"subconcious" poems
All along my trigger was you and I can't stand it
To this subconcious fear I light up and take a hit
Tumbling forever I never thought this would quit
Because I thought I could distinguish love from
********
Apr 22, 2016
Apr 22, 2016 at 8:56 AM UTC
Where I was, was bad,
But where I am is worse.
I feel like they’re taking away who I am,
Filling my bloodstream with anti-depressants,
Forcing me to become someone I’m not
Someone I don’t want to be.
The fact remains that my sadness defined me
Struggling against the medication
Desperately attempting to hold onto the part of me that’s me
Wanting so badly for my days to mean something
Instead of the same bland depressing schedule I face everyday
The pills do nothing but supress my suicidal thoughts to my subconcious
So I'm forced to fake a smile, one unlike any other.
This one is to keep them from increasing my dosage,
And I'm scared.
I've never felt so alone
This is what I get
For asking for help
May 5, 2015
May 5, 2015 at 12:38 AM UTC
One minute fine,
The next minute not,
It may be freezing cold,
But my brain is boiling hot.
The tingling sensation,
And then the trembling starts,
I cannot feel my legs,
Yet how I feel my heart!
The environment is spinning,
The air is getting thin,
No matter how fast I breathe,
I cant get enough oxygen in.
Things enter my mind,
I try to force them out,
But the harder I try,
The more they come back and shout.
I feel im going to faint,
Im feeling so sick,
I cannot run away,
All my legs let me do is sit.
My legs get weak and heavy,
My brain doesnt know whats going on,
Everything becomes something to fear,
The floor, my clothes, hair... and so on.
My mouth is dry like paper,
My body is sweating yet cold,
Where did all of this come from?
Is this what its like to get old?
My body feels frozen,
But my brain is running around,
Playing tricks on me,
Where there is no danger to be found.
Breathing exercises dont work
Though they make sense normally,
In the moment of panic -
You lose all sense of reality.
The images enter your mind,
You try to force them out,
But the harder you try,
The more they refuse to get out.
Everything becomes a danger,
I will say one more time,
Every object becomes a weapon,
And slices through your mind.
The nausea causes more panic,
The panic responds with more nausea,
What a horrific cycle,
How to stop it I have no idea.
****** functions fail,
The digestive system especially,
But now your afraid of the toilet (!)
Though you need it in a hurry.
The trembling is so intense,
The fear so intense,
You struggle to make a call,
Your mind and body losing control.
Diazepam becomes your best friend,
You'd worship it if you could,
Its often there to save the day,
..Although at other times you just wish it would...
The adrenal glands are to blame,
Im not the Adrenalin rush kind,
My adrenal glands are evil,
How can they be so cruel and unkind?!
I dont like my adrenal glands,
Im an ***** donar - but if I die please be warned,
DO NOT TAKE THE ADRENAL GLANDS,
...then again, with the right brain, they could be your friends?
Its the "brain- adrenal gland" combination,
Which is of the ********* kind,
Perhaps if brain sent out the right signals,
My adrenal glands might understand.
There is a time and place for adrenalin,
I have sampled many myself,
But this is just not one of them...
Yet - subconcious brain fears itself...
That is it.....the brain "fears itself"...
Feb 12, 2019
Feb 12, 2019 at 8:16 PM UTC
Drifting
somewhere between sleeping
and waking life
Dipping
in and out of the fuzzy lake
of my subconcious mind
Straining
to keep myself on the surface -
losing grip, (here i go again)
Waves a blue and white
painted like the sky in that Van Gogh
Starry Night.
Paintied in thick blue tears
and yellow splocthes of infinity.
Snoring
snaps me back
to barely awake.
Tripping
up the stairs
I make my way to my bed,
Wrap my arms about my Love
and let myself fall into
Van Gogh's heavy tears
Apr 9, 2014
Apr 9, 2014 at 3:09 AM UTC
Dreaming out my subconcious
because I miss the idea of us.
You were up high in my apartment tree,
swinging side to side in a wooden seat.
I called out your name
but you didn't hear me--
Kept smiling at what you couldn't see.
At another slumber sleep,
I drove my car to your Murrieta home.
Had a hundred friends in the back seat
which meant I wasn't alone.
I knew I had the means of a GPS
which meant I didn't have to guess.
Had my memory when I knew you best.
*******
I swear I knew my way there.
So why was I lost in some deja vu despair?
Could no longer find my way
to your home in the middle of the day.
At another slumber feat,
we walked hand in hand on the fashion island.
You pushed me away in a tone
replying to some big question with a No.
And as you walked away from me
in front of the crowd to see,
I ran around the island
weeping like a street drunkard.
Sirens appeared to me--
offering sympathy at my dismay
but I kept sulking in a haze.
I dream out my subconcious
because I miss the idea of us.
Bang Bang
Apr 3, 2015
Apr 3, 2015 at 6:42 AM UTC
timeless motion in the direction of
optimism grabs me by surprise as I
dream of long gone futures
raging forward into the past
always venturing into the rather
wild parts of my subconcious
after eternity we will be
leaving for the stars in
interesting fashion with really
no time to waste on our seemingly
endless journey
May 9, 2013
May 9, 2013 at 11:09 AM UTC
on a crowded street, my surroundings begin to fade
as everythings blur together, its reality which i evade
gazing past people, off into space
i imagine for a moment that i'm out of this place
only to be brought back with the blink of an eye
to the streets where the blurred silhouettes of people pass me by
with a crowd that big, theres no room for indivduality
i feel like a minuscule pebble lost at sea
going with the flow i grasp at the air
even though i know there is nothing there
i'm lost but i dont want to be found
shouting out but i dont make a sound
diagnosing emotions without definitions
longing for change yet clinging to repetition
in search for solitude, being alone is not my goal
giving up my freedom as a subconcious toll
the darkness of reality mixes with the light of lies
creating a mist that acts as my disguise
Jan 14, 2011
Jan 14, 2011 at 9:14 PM UTC
In a world of pesimism
I am the messenger of optimism
I'll break his clouded vision
This is my only mission
To show him that there still is good in existence
I'll fight his in-mind resistance
I must bring love back to his heart
Before his subconcious falls completely apart
There once was only one
To see that this mission is done
Now I am added to this mix
Of voices, actions, and tricks
To help part six with his goal
To see that Steven doesn't turn cold
I leave you all with this solemn promise
I will pick up the peices, my name is Thomas
May 23, 2016
May 23, 2016 at 6:27 PM UTC
My eyes
are burning right now
but the tears are empty inside
fragile as glass
they hit my cheek and they shatter
into a million diamonds,
WHY?
must you always be the thorn that's
painfully, stuck in, my side?
and WHY?
must you always betray me
and promise me that you are shy
or I should say innocent
is there ever an end to the
argument of the hemorrhage
the hemorrhage of
"I'm sorry I lied"
I NEVER WANNA HEAR YOU AGAIN!
HEAR YOU SAY "SORRY I LIED!"
and now that I know who
you've changed me to
inside
these shards of glass forever lost,
haunt my wounds in my skin,
and the deeper they sink
the more they confirm
its your pride.
to add insult to injury
they make me able to feel
however its only temporary
some would even call it
some-times
while my "face" is left bleeding at the thought of how
carefully designed
the thought itself is
to remind me how
this is metacommunication,
but i know you dont believe me,
it really wasn't up to me,
and you'll never leave me
I swear it wasn't me!
I swear it wasn't me!
I swear it wasn't me!
I swear it was
all
up
to
my
MIND!
MIND!
MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!
but i tried
and my heart will break and subside,
pouring and/or spilling like acid
I swear
it's just like
the red sea
except a crimson river
filled with sin
parted way way back,
since biblical times.
and you my dear
will forever be
men-a-cing
menacing
a thorn in my side
forever a scar in the memory of
forever a scar in the memory of my mind
repeated over again so as to make sure that
I will never find
that the real reason why
I can never decide
is because you never wanted me to
you only wanted happiness however,
and as you walked away you said, "I'm sorry to you"
you said, "I'm sorry i lied...
we could spend forever pointing fingers
ending up with nothing every single time
you said two wrongs will never make a right"
but there's no such thing as right and wrong
there's only how you feel inside
you said, "I'm sorry i lied... I'm sorry you cried
its just that
I forgot to mention this one little aspect
where i only care about me..
myself...
and I.
I!!!!!!
I!!!!!!
ME!, MYSELF!, AND I!!!!!!!!!
Apr 23, 2011
Apr 23, 2011 at 10:35 AM UTC
It's raining
And I Want You
The rain makes me overly sentimental, adding its ten drops worth to my ocean...
Nostalgia swells up; a monolithic wave of sadness and fractured memories
The borders imposed on my heart rebounds the lapping tongues of melancholy and send them back towards the centre towards
Me
Me; the centre of my own world
The Centre of my ocean
Frail ratty rafts of values drift brokenly across my ocean
The cracks in my character screech like strained metal; shouting at me that I'm sinking them
I'm sinking the morals and values that merge to form
Me
Me; the centre of my own world
The Centre of my ocean
The aquatic depths house the monsters of my mind
The Subconscious apparitions so large that a stirring of their serrated spines change the flow of my polluted basement of an ocean
The flow of my subconcious stinks stagnantly
It results in the drifting away of me from
Me
Me; the centre of my world
The Centre of my ocean
It's drizzling
And I want you
Nov 2, 2016
Nov 2, 2016 at 2:02 PM UTC
I hate dreams.
I hate them for what they make me see,
Worse still is that even as you know their not real,
You believe and it seems,
If only for a second, that what could be or should be,
Or what simply isn't,
Is.
I hate seeing her face,
So sad under those shades;
Take me home,
She seems to say,
But nobody really talks in dreams.
But nobody really talks.
I died in a dream once.
And I kept on sleeping.
What does it mean, what does it mean?
To me death is one long dreamless sleep,
But I fear the opposite, that it is one sleepless dream.
I see his face now and then.
The face in real life I barely remember.
Under the water.
Calling up.
Save me.
But dreams can't change your world.
Tragically they can only make you believe.
My moms there waiting for me.
Though her alone I am too scared to see.
Even my subconcious knows not to tease me,
Knows the scars and the pain,
And how it would bleed me and end me
And I curse them from keeping me,
I hate dreams.
Jul 5, 2013
Jul 5, 2013 at 4:29 AM UTC
It feels like dreaming,
When he sheds the lies,
And bleeds the colours,
Of truth,
A dream imprinted,
Permanently etched,
In my subconcious,
That settles on the surface,
Above any and every other moment,
The perfection,
Of honest imperfection,
So sincere and delicate,
Is all I ever needed
Mar 6, 2011
Mar 6, 2011 at 8:41 PM UTC
amber lips are
getting too red.
the cat's eyes are
getting too cloudy.
the scratches
in the wood paneling
are getting too deep
& the church bell
that you can hear
from the mountains
is getting too loud.
the stack of pillows on
my desk chair is
about to fall over,
& the neighbors
are getting too high.
the molding
is getting too cracked.
the paint is
getting too faded
& my screams
are getting too quiet.
Aug 14, 2010
Aug 14, 2010 at 9:11 AM UTC
as i was indoors with nobody
around locked myself inside my
room everything was still not even a
sound of the wind blowing
There comes this noise out of dead silence
a flash back a glimce of my past and
future my present i was shorked
and started talking to my subconcious
the noice came again out of
dead silence i heard your voice saying "I LOVE U" and "WHERE ARE YOU SANDILE"
i took my purple note book which i we
wrote about all our things and came across
our special song the lyrics wrote by me and you the song came out of thin air and
started playing in my head by then i knew that i was making a huge mistake looking at your pictures after then paralised me i was
frighten in a coner then there comes this noise out of dead silence saying "I LOVE YOU"
Jun 9, 2015
Jun 9, 2015 at 2:12 PM UTC
the middle of the night
shallow restless sleep
a
singularly
wild
idea
occurs
but sleep spawned revelations
from the subconcious
wither
and die
of ridicule at dawn
Nov 2, 2014
Nov 2, 2014 at 4:33 PM UTC
I sleep to dream
the strange obscure odd
the close calm clash of skin
the beauty built memories
the expression of my fears
the faces distant in reality
the hopes projections life
I dream to live
in ignorant bliss on tragic days
in senarios built far beyond truth
in all i need power control
in glorious homes white regal
in dank rooms gyms banquets
in your his thier arms minds
I live to escape
where explanations unjudged
where brief unfolds to clarity
where confidence subconcious lies
I escape to lucidity
I am in control
Apr 15, 2013
Apr 15, 2013 at 10:41 PM UTC
Slipping,
I am slipping,
Beyond the safety,
Of the surface,
Sinking,
Into the weightlessness,
Of transparent blue-green,
That consumes me,
And I drown,
With you,
In my subconcious
Feb 26, 2011
Feb 26, 2011 at 2:05 PM UTC
I woke up today,
Wanting to cry,
If only I could get her back,
My subconcious mind cant help but try,
and dream of ways to make my dream come true,
But every time it happens, I wake up wanting to die,
I'll never get her back, I know,
It wouldn't work even if I did,
I guess that is the ultimate sign of failure,
Abandoning the love of your life,
Every time you wake up.
Aug 29, 2013
Aug 29, 2013 at 3:35 PM UTC
you always said everything was
black and white so why do your
words bleed orange sunsets in
to my black lungs
my dad used to crash his cars
for fun, he used to have competitions
to see how many times he could
roll his car, and it's been years
since he's been in an accident
but sometimes i can still see him
speed up and i wonder if he misses
the thrill or if he just can't break
the habit.
when we do things long enough
we can never really get rid of them
even when we're not thinking
about it, our subconcious does all
the work
that's what it's like to love you
i dont even have to remember to
i just do
you are the last three seconds of
a sunset frozen in forever,
you are in my veins.
Mar 10, 2014
Mar 10, 2014 at 12:47 AM UTC
I don't believe I want you,
But my subconcious begs to differ.
My body seems to yearn for you,
When i've ingested too much liquor.
I deny it when I'm sober, and say it was the drink,
But this mindset is recurring,
And it's starting to make me think.
Apr 10, 2013
Apr 10, 2013 at 5:06 PM UTC
And the clock ticks.
The ever steady click, Of the red hand as it twitches.
Unless that clock is digital.
Either way my strain is physical.
Once again the train is missed to go, Off to the land of subconcious flow.
Where a dream is a dream and whats known is known.
Not here where logic is blown away.
And yet its here im doomed to stay, As the clock continues to tick.
That ever steady click.
That click that makes me sick! Oh how i wish that tick would go away!
It wont untill i fall asleep.
But i cannot my thoughts are deep.
And so i lay without a peep and listen as it ticks.
Jul 18, 2011
Jul 18, 2011 at 9:36 PM UTC
Events take turn beyond our knowledge and control
We are enslavered to perceptions within our soul
Whom choose to perceive us in different ways
From minutes to seconds, from hours to days
We must learn to live with open hearts and arms
With a childs freedom and graceful charms
Choose who you really want to be
With guidance from the world you see
Angels shall be with you in everything
So in a lone concert, they hear you sing
Let your subconcious play its own way
till the end of time and night of day.
Oct 24, 2009
Oct 24, 2009 at 11:37 AM UTC
//I swear I just have the same subconcious pattern every time with just waiting when I'm bordering extinction --
like maybe on someone throwing a lifesaver ?
*I'm literally someone's-accidental-bumping away from
falling off this escarpment,
A selcouth flower-drenched meadow just last week,
now all-of-the-sudden barren and pretty grim plateau*
***On the edge of extinction,
Do you retreat, or put up your last fight?***
*I feel an urge to dismiss all and jump off the edge.
Besides, Extinction is probably the name of our parellel realm.
and they probabaly say* "be careful! you're on the edge of Reality."__//__
But that’s just a lone-sweet picturesque visualization from my esteemed friend, Imagination.
Sadly, yes, everything just mentioned was just daydreams occuring while sparking others’ sangfroid.
***So when this little Miss Cure-Chaser
finally gets a breath-***
n it’s honestly usually more like half;
I realize that I just gave out the last drop
of my spirit’s nature to a stranger
when I realize this,
I also see that
no one paid heed to
the healer in need of healing
bastardized by the Real-Life
Nightmare of Californication
I forget the grace
residing in my survival;
When I’m all dished out,
When healing’s lost my fervor,
Scorching my lovely Fylgja.
Meanwhile my soul’s alongside
taking it’s toll, it’s Californication.
I throw on my once-was, back of the closet
Hot Mess resolution
a Way-Too-Tight black dress
And a shoe-like lace up back.
I turn to the mirror, and as I wink I say **** it.
It’s Californication,
and I’m its ******* Counterrevolution.
Feb 19, 2018
Feb 19, 2018 at 1:09 AM UTC
Oh how the mighty have fallen,
Fallen from their self proclaimed heights
Built upon cracked and half crumbling foundations.
And I stand before myself to gawk at the pitiful sight.
A shameful disposition amid the rubble, self admission.
How wise I was before!
How wise was I before?
Beg I ask myself, knowing of course the answer.
Not wise, not wise at all.
But did I see it coming?
Could I predict my own end?
Had I knowledge but chose to pretend?
Perhaps...
Somehow I feel another me.
Beside the Crumbled and the Gawker.
The old, outspoken, grey-bearded me
Stands there and shakes his head.
He knew all along it would come to this, said all along.
And all along I did ignore.
Pretended not to hear, but somehow heard.
Knew he was there, probably right, but I didn't care.
Deep in my subconcious mind did these inner me's converse
In a place outside of time, outside of space.
Somehow I recognise these words I told myself.
The unhealed man should not choose to build upon himself.
Time can not heal the wounds hidden from the light
Hidden out of sight. Left, to be an empty space
Covered over, but not erased. Never erased
But soon forgotten, until the Time of Rumbling
We all have such holes I know.
All have built upon ourselves and forgotten (or ignored)
That lies and misdeads lie beneath us,
Holding us up as we reach always higher.
Because of time, we have no time.
Because of fear, we have such fear!
We choose to build upon ourselves,
Not to heal, not to see whats clear.
But our future has long been spoken of,
By that older, white bearded self
Who, all knowing but outspoken,
Warns us of our doom.
So I urge you, as a crumbled man,
As a man gawking upon his crumbled self,
To tend to your soul, to resolve your wrongs,
Before building once more yourself.
To be healthy in pureness of pure exsistence.
To breath fresh air of honesty and truth honestly,
And to reach for selfless love, self-lovingly.
Then and only then, is it right to build again.
Dec 16, 2014
Dec 16, 2014 at 6:10 AM UTC
its no coincidence
that he only
holds me
when
he's
asleep.
Nov 8, 2016
Nov 8, 2016 at 12:01 AM UTC