Liar. Falling in love didn't make her whole. It became her last unraveling.
How do you stay whole
In a world full of fractures
I woke up. And today my ghosts woke up with me.
The wind told me he loves
- but we all know how fickle He is
One moment he's brushing my cheeks with gentle caress
**( And the next he's lifting up some other girl's skirt )
He told me my scars weren't beautiful
And I told him that no one could ever really admire a masterpiece
Without taking a few steps back
Your scars make you who you are and no matter what you are beautiful
I wish someone taught me how healing hugs can be. I would have hugged you so tight until you felt whole and more again. (even though hugs make me feel so awkward)
I wish someone taught me how comforting holding someone can be. I would have clung to you, held your hand, and even cuddled you so close until you realize that I really really do love you in every way I can. (even though I will fear that you’ll think me too clingy and stifling to keep)
I wish someone taught me how reassuring spoken affection can be. I would have told you I love you over and over again until they get through your walls and erase the doubt and insecurities that you keep hidden and buried.
(even though those words feels foreign to my tongue and and they end up stumbling one after the other)
I wish someone taught me how to be thankful for simple things. I would have treasured each awkward gesture of affection you threw my way if I knew I’ll be deprived of it in the future.
I would have laughed at your jokes harder if I knew I wouldn’t get to hear them again.
I would have smiled at you more if I knew I wouldn’t get the chance to see you smile back again.
I just wish you told me before making the decision your own. I would have begged you otherwise. (I would have groveled and pleaded with my own life. )
I wish you held on just a little bit longer. I would have pulled you up with all my might until these weak bones of mine break.
And I wish someone taught me how to love. I would have loved you better. Would have loved you harder if by doing so would make you love yourself.
I wish I loved you enough that it made you want to live.
Thing is, I'm more afraid of being happy
Than of being alone and lonely.
Happiness doesn't feel real.
It feels like a mirage in a dessert.
It's not real.
It only lasts for so long.
And once it's gone, you will feel worse than before.
I often think that sadness is better.
Though sadness sometimes shakes me
It doesn't break me.
It can't because I'm used to it.
I can't feel worse if I don't know what happy is.
And that is addicting. Not being exposed to roller coaster emotions is addicting. It feels safe.