"replays" poems
my first crush committed suicide.
i remember the hurt at a young age
from chasing him around his living room
begging him for a kiss.
from my young age i knew i wanted him
in my life forever.
through his weaves and gagging
running around the furniture and up the stairs,
losing him sounded foreign then
and having lost him now, still feels the same.
our fathers drank and our mothers giggled
born three months apart
our future planned together
both saying "i do"
uniting us all together.
life flew on by
us both fighting with ourselves
and downing the bottles underneath the bed
loaded and silenced
family portraits painted in red
long life memories all put to rest.
only one made it out alive
but it's hard to breathe
out of us how was it me
and you in a little box
where a diamond ring should be.
my mind keeps wondering
when will i stop chasing you
then my heart replays
every time you turned a corner
you looked over your shoulder
and how you smiled at me.
Jul 10, 2018
Jul 10, 2018 at 1:15 PM UTC
Cinnamon aroma
Warmed fingertips.
Approach eager lips
A gentle sip.
Eyes close
A blissful smile.
Deep breath... In
Exhale... Out.
Mind replays
The joy of last night.
As My Love
Enters the room.
Good
Morning
Darling
More Coffee?
May 21, 2017
May 21, 2017 at 10:36 PM UTC
They say the mind replays what the heart can't erase
It's such a shame that this story had to end before it even started
We might have drifted apart, but your path and mine crossed for a reason
For sure if our hearts were old friends then will probably meet again
Somewhere far away but not here not now
It's time to let this go, time to write this off and cut you off.
See the good in goodbye
© Sonia Ettyang
Oct 12, 2018
Oct 12, 2018 at 4:50 AM UTC
My mind replays that teenage weekend.
The one that was intense, carefree and beautiful.
We spent that weekend like young lovers
Racing thoughts and pulsing hearts
Not once did we stop and think about what is right
or what is wrong.
Though in this teenage weekend,
nothing is wrong
it is all right.
That's the beauty of this teenage weekend.
Exploring the new depths of something so profound,
we are innocent.
This is new.
It is beautiful.
Carefree.
Intense.
That teenage weekend
is forever there.
Oct 7, 2013
Oct 7, 2013 at 12:24 PM UTC
Sometimes, when I walk alone
My mind drudges up past mistakes
Past embarrassment, past awkwardness.
It replays them all in a reel
So as I try to escape one
Another rushes in to take its place.
And I start blushing uncomfortably
Even though I’m alone.
I remember them all,
My feet move faster
Like they’re trying to escape
All these barbed memories.
I want to erase them all,
Like that Spongebob episode
Where the drawing comes to life,
And Spongebob has to erase it
With a giant, high quality,
plastic-looking eraser.
If I took all these past awkward moments,
And embarrassments, and mistakes,
And wrote them down
On crisp, 11-by-8.5 college rule,
And watched them come back to life,
Could I erase them?
Forever?
Could I erase them,
With my giant
high quality,
plastic-looking eraser?
May 22, 2012
May 22, 2012 at 10:58 AM UTC
I think I understand hookups and one-night stands now.
The key to moving on is to replace all that stood before
until there stands nothing that may cause you to unravel.
Moment by moment,
conversation by conversation,
I replace the replays,
I can't bear the thought
of another touching me, like I'm not yours.
I got another ring today, all big and loose.
It's funny how I picked this one,
it keeps slipping off my fingers like you did.
It's been two months since I last wore your ring.
I don't see a difference between them,
it feels the same on my thumb.
and that should be the end of it,
but oh well, I guess it isn't.
I walked to the grocery store, paused at an aisle,
took my time frowning over chocolate bars.
You used to get me Munch, and so I picked the Mars bar.
I don't skip meals now, (well, most days I don't)
and in place of our routine conversations,
I play a random show.
I drown noise with noise.
My days are decent.
I'm surrounded by mindless jibber jabber.
I participate.
I paste a bright smile.
“You look well now,” they say,
“Well, I am” I reply.
And I am fine. (I think I am?)
9/10 times I am.
Then in a random mundane moment,
memories of you resurface like a ring light and
in that single moment,
I let myself crumble.
“I don't want him back.
He's changed now.
So have you and so what?
If it's meant to be, it'll be.
He's the love of my life.
Well don't let him in,
when (not if) he comes back.
Do it from love, not for it.
You deserve happiness.
Both of you do.
You want love.
You are love.
The ocean doesn't look for its water,
Why will you look for what you have?
It is what it is.
and this too shall pass.”
So on and so forth my inner monologue goes on,
and I stare at my phone wondering if I can conjure you from my thoughts.
I am kinder now.
With myself, and everyone around.
I wish I were kinder to you, but I was just a child.
I know you're proud,
and I am of you too.
Do you think I can sculpt my favourite version of you?
Wait, no.
I already did that,
I loved all of you
and then everything fell apart.
My thoughts swirl and I let them play.
Incantations in my head
Obligatory 3 am, weary sighs, contempt and rage.
Oh, so much rage.
Where is the calming lull of sleep, when you need it to sedate your despair?
Resignation sets in, I play a familiar game.
I ask the universe and unbiasedly it delivers the same day.
"Universe, give me a sign, I'm really done this time.
Yellow flowers if he's coming back,
Dandelions if he's not.
Universe let me move on. This is the last time, "
In my version of He loves me, he loves me not
I break flowers, not petals.
I look for answers in colours and not action,
And then I saw a dozen Dandelions.
Jan 17, 2024
Jan 17, 2024 at 4:40 PM UTC
I remember the day you left,
It replays so clearly in my mind,
I don't think you knew exactly what you were leaving behind.
Suitcase in hand,
You walked out the door,
You looked back at me and I cried once more.
Tears streamed down my face,
But you just looked away,
Feeling out of place.
You strode out the door,
My pleading made it worse,
'DON'T LEAVE DADDY' I screamed and I heard you curse.
I knew you would regret it,
You were so wrapped up in yourself,
All you wanted was more and more wealth.
You ripped me off,
My mum the most,
You took all our money, from pillar to post.
You weren't there when we needed you most,
When times got hard you just left us to rot,
You didn't give a **** about us, just about what you got.
I used to 'Daddy' little girl' but not anymore,
I refuse to talk to you, communicate even,
I don't even want to see your face, which you don't belive in.
I used to love you,
I used to care,
But those days are over, my heart has been stripped bare.
It is hard for me to trust,
To talk at all,
For I am worried it will all happen again and again I will fall.
I became depressed when you left,
I didn't want to move schools, but you made sure I would,
Paid no money to my mum but we tried as best as we could.
I was 8 when you left me,
Depression took over,
It looked after me, giving me a strong shelter and cover.
Mum got sick but my little brother and I had no idea why,
My mum turned bulimic from the cancer that formed,
Anorexia, Bulimia, Cancer all started to take form.
You don't know how hard it is, how much it hurt,
Being the mother to your brother, and your mum, while trying to be a kid,
I did all the housework, in the end I snapped,
Couldn't take it anymore, I just cracked.
I watched my mum slowly dieing, crumbling, out of my reach,
Although that's just what you wanted isn't it,
To tear us apart bit by bit.
Causing us pain somehow amused you,
Making you happy,
Making me snappy.
Life was hard,
But now I see,
You meant everything but now mean nothing to me...
Sep 17, 2013
Sep 17, 2013 at 9:01 PM UTC
since before I was born I can remember time picking me up and carrying me along in its embrace it held me close never letting me down never stopping along the way sometimes speeding up sometimes slowing down freezing in slow motion moments it has never let me down running on through these presents here Passing here past time's arrow only moving in one direction no instant replays no do overs leaving traces of memories some false some recovered some discovered left with the traces of remorse and guilt in pain to tend along our way
time my sweetest friend and enemy
of endings I have always thought a lot these days these ways these happy unhappy joyful passing passing moments with you I held on tight to your impartial embrace knowing full well one day on the ground you will lay me down
Mar 1, 2015
Mar 1, 2015 at 3:02 PM UTC
you think you understand me
because of the size of my home
that comes from my fathers money
you think i grew up privileged
harbouring a “normal” childhood
without any shortcomings.
what you don’t understand is the
abuse, emotional neglect and fear
experienced
at the hands of my angry father
that caused me to become this way.
you think i’m happy, normal even,
because i don’t talk about what goes on in my brain
the racing thoughts that consume me,
the trauma memory that replays in my head,
the suicidal thoughts, voices that repeat just do it over and over
and how i cry every time im alone in the bathroom.
i'm afraid to open up like i had in the past
because every single time ended in abandonment,
followed by slit wrists and regret.
but,
maybe one day i'll tell you all about it
and hope you stay.
Feb 1, 2022
Feb 1, 2022 at 1:26 PM UTC
He's a heartbreak
A death that lives on
And replays, still stabbing me
Right in that same spot
He's reality yet a dream
A dream that slips and fades
Even before my fingers tickle it's tangled up secrets
And my heart gets ****** in by his imaginary love
The way everything he is,
Makes me go "What if?"
What if he... What if that...
But What If's are impossible
They're just wishes
That can never be granted
And us
We will never be
Because he's a heartbreaker
And he has broken me
Jan 14, 2011
Jan 14, 2011 at 3:44 PM UTC
As I lie awake staring at the clock
flashing 2:04 am in florescent blue
and a calender gone untouched since
June 10, 2012 yet months have passed.
I remember...
Rain pounding down on the awful roof,
wind slamming into the already cracked window,
even all the blankets around did no good.
Your words- that one phone call replays
in my mind, so do my actions with each
of my sobs, our whispers, your laughs.
The weather now the same
the soft Valentine rabbit clutched tight.
One single answer
haunts me more than anything else
**** I miss you...
God, I hate myself...
I'm probably not going to sleep
cause I'm mesmerized by the
florescent blue flashes of 2:04 am
and all the whispers of June 10, 2012...
I wanted to say yes...
Nov 10, 2014
Nov 10, 2014 at 6:37 PM UTC
Her lips scream
" KISS ME "
Then whisper
" kiss me now "
At once
a thousand nerve-ends wake
electricity
rampant beneath
tender
sweet
candyfloss skin
Anticipating contact
her inner rhythms quicken
from ‘ bump-n-grind ’
to ‘ swing-beat ’
Hearts play along
to the new tune now
She smiles with those eyes
the message of her mouth
Delight
I understand at once
Replying
without reaching for a word
No second thoughts invade
the privacy of spontaneity
I just move to accept
this luscious invite
In a flash
ecstatic urges awaken
erotica in our minds
as we close
our telltale eyes
a split second before
the precious
perfect impact
Seems magnetically
heads tilt
Moving closer
till our silently screaming
half-opened mouths
knowingly meet
in once vacant space
Intentions projected
instantly accepted
Mouths
express new feeling
Tongues
take on new meaning
Suggestions
of intensity requesting
passions
yet to be fulfilled
The warm silk
snake of temptation
reacts to vibration
Twisting
Rolling
Curling
*******
Chewing
Playfully biting
Unspoken promises
Exciting
She plays a sensual game
Active / Passive
Strong / Soft
Control / Yield
Secrets revealed
Releasing for a moment
our mesmeric communion
Poised in breathlessness
we stare
as we subtly swallow
the essence
of our watery endeavour
Eyes smile
that insatiable smile
Still thirsting
chemical reactions
conceived by our emotions
Speed of light sensations
send shivers down our spine
Time
sleeps for a moment
Lost
in a fragment of dreamscape
we too escape
“ Mmmmmmm ”
The gentle sigh
waves through the air
We lose contact
with our unwelcome surrounds
as once again we entwine
to re-enact
the passage of our bliss
A repeat
of erogenous stimulation
replays the symphony of desire
in a higher vibration
Mouths in motion
mirror dancing
Automatic reactions
assume control
Whilst my mind
Is with her mind
my Soul
is with her Soul
Her grip tightens
Wanting more
wanton more
Red-hot
lava in the veins
seeking to surface
in a fiery eruption
Our watery essence
Seems to feed the flames
Yearning
I hear her
Burning
I feel her
Softening
Stiffening
Pulsing
I'm in her.
Jul 7, 2010
Jul 7, 2010 at 3:49 PM UTC
He said
he would call.
He didn't.
She waited by the phone.
As she thought,
he seemed to like her.
She replays in her head,
all that she did and had said.
Couldn't have been me, she contends.
Oct 23, 2014
Oct 23, 2014 at 3:36 PM UTC
Its alot to take in.
The thoughts that overwhelm you.
The pain in your chest.
The tight knots in your heart.
You want to cry
But you're too numb.
Too tired.
You want to die.
But you're too scared.
Too hopeful.
It replays in your mind.
The what-ifs. They are infinite
They send you into oblivion.
Shes smiling.
Shes crying.
Shes angry.
Shes twirling her hair.
Holding her arm.
Biting her lip.
Watching Tv.
Playing a video game.
Crying herself to sleep.
Talking to the one she adores.
And you will never be hers.
Then like a truck, it hits you.
You will always be alone.
Missing a ghost never to be.
Dec 10, 2014
Dec 10, 2014 at 4:58 PM UTC
i remember that day in the afternoon sun
the garter snake passed lazily through the tall yellow-headed sourgrass
or maybe time was edging toward stillness
as it so often does in mental replays
there was cold, clear water in a tall, clean glass
that sat still at the end of your fingers
the sunlight hit the sides and it came through the water tilted
at the same angle as your head as you smiled
i saw the condensation on your hand
and wondered if it would feel cool against my skin
or if all I'd feel was the warmth of you
i could feel the glaciers melting
drop by drop by drop
and a warm, soft wind
covered up everything
on the day your love came screaming through me
you had oranges and lemons in a canvas bag beside you
different hues of summer in that pouch you brought along
there were seven different kinds of light welling up inside of you
you smeared citrus pulp all over me, in laughter like song
gone too quickly to tell you I longed for you to stay
gone to good old east rutherford three thousand miles away
i felt the warm surge blast my mind
coming in from behind
on the day your love came screaming through me
in the fresh light of day
i felt something falling away
on the day your love came screaming through me
*i remember that day
time was edging toward stillness
as it so often does in replays*
Dec 15, 2014
Dec 15, 2014 at 10:14 PM UTC
I live
in a world
where a man's tears
must be valiant warriors
dressed in full regalia
polished to such a finish as to be almost invisible
just to exist
where they must wage war
against taboos and stereotypes
cliched replays and replayed cliches
"real men don't cry"
"tears make you weak"
But they don't see the strength it takes
for me to let this go
and let the tears flow
d d
o o
w w
n n
my cheeks
Feb 7, 2012
Feb 7, 2012 at 2:46 PM UTC
depends on me for sustenance,
companionship, and reassurance.
she's like every other partner I've ever had
She comes everywhere with me
she walks around the lake with me
and loves to visit the strange mountains.
she leaves when i ignore the truth.
Today I spent hours
watching thick peels of clouds
raking shadows on one another
without crying,
then I told my doctor exactly how I feel.
My body scars so easily
but has never been broken
it's pointless to despair
no matter how old you are.
My nerves are alive, behind my teeth, in my tear ducts
i'm a shivering rabbit ready to bolt
seeing everywhere with my wide ears
for a sign of Danger, dressed in disguise.
her angry love emerges from the humus
whispering like a father:
"Lie down before you hurt yourself."
"Why did you try to lift so much?"
it replays all the stupid, lazy, selfish
**** I've done in the past 6 months
"Why are you still ******* around with that?"
Hold the door open for your friends
then give them some misdirection as they pass.
you must be the first genius in the world to think of it:
avoiding vulnerability by any means necessary.
all attempts to justify my behavior fall short of conviction.
i align my ethics with my actions when it's most convenient.
(and, as I'm reminded, only amidst the most detailed instruction.)
Danger knows I almost believe it.
But we both know I'm a hypocrite
i may never have stopped stealing from animals
without all the recipes other people have written.
the militant voice would've insisted, "It's Impossible!
humans didn't evolve to limit their nutritional pool!
and you're already shuffling half-assed through work and school!
Just think of something else to make you frown,
cut your losses and leave this large-small town.
They are nature's slaves caught unawares."
So who notices? And even then, who cares?
Oct 30, 2018
Oct 30, 2018 at 5:54 PM UTC
watching replays
over and over and over again
for what?
gah, i don't need this stress.
the team is going down.
i'm a hockey girl.
but **** it
* NO *
* THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN A TOUCH DOWN *
Jesus, I don't need this
Nov 3, 2013
Nov 3, 2013 at 7:04 PM UTC
His mother goes there every day.
His dried blood stains still mark the spot.
She gets down on her knees and prays.
Such grief will never be forgot.
Her son was murdered for his phone.
A single bullet to the head.
A single gold shell case was found
not far from when he was found dead.
He was his mother's only son
coming home from work at night.
Police came and took his Dad-
for victims must be identified.
Such suffering must one's heart bear
remembering that final day
to see him silent on a slab.
over and over it replays.
So numerous are Urban youth
like drops of water in a stream.
Still each drop is a human life.
Every droplet bears a dream.
His mother goes there every day.
A gentle rain begins to fall.
His girl left some carnations there.
She struggles to accept it all.
May 30, 2012
May 30, 2012 at 1:21 AM UTC
Your torso, stretched and squeezed by God's finger
and thumb, ever so gently
just between your hips and ribs.
Those long bow-shaped bones stretch against your near melanin-free skin.
Is that pink-tinge the blood vessels, just beneath,
or the marks of my touch?
I am heady;
you are ice on my tongue,
which slowly melts into warm
liquid as I mouth-
breathe.
You make me feel so dirty-clean,
a pale patriarch that ***** his Sister.
I am so drunk
on your potency,
my memories flood in as absinthe, my inebriated
body replays that first night I tore you open.
Stretch your arms above your pretty poutish head,
I pull myself out from your bald lips -
coat you in white feathers.
Jun 1, 2011
Jun 1, 2011 at 6:14 PM UTC
Enclosed
In the cottage
If this
Writer’s Blockage
Lasts
For too long
How lost
Would I be
The reason
For being
Alone this season
Was to grow
My talents
Like an Eagle’s talons
And claw through
The surface
For the purpose
Of providing
A service
That
Serves vice
The plate of truth
Unknowing to those
Who don’t know
Right
From wrong
Produced as a song
Bereft of a beat
Unleft alone
The agitation
Becomes aggravated assault
As I rip the pages
Out the book
To my own fault
I locked the lessons
I was to learn
In a vault
Which doesn’t collapsed
Under the pressure
But becomes stronger
Time lapses
As my mind run laps
And replays the days
When control
Was in tact
Now I let loose
And dug myself
Further in the hole
Any further
Sleep’s cousin
Will become us
Me
And my goals
Lie dead in the same bed
All because
I was too proud
To beg
Myself for forgiveness
Of putting me in this prison
Away from society
With plans
To raise propriety
But how
Can one learn
To better himself
When he’s alone
With no teacher
But himself
So selfish of me
To leave
The fate of the world
In my hands
Too stubborn
To share
My final air
With theirs
Jan 12, 2011
Jan 12, 2011 at 3:28 AM UTC
Entering the void with rainy eyes induced by the manipulating agent who was undercover under her covers. And as the rush came this lush dame was soon abandon in the emptiness which were her hopes and dreams/ she could not cope but scream in the darkness that now became her home. She graps at truth but it eludes her, only the false promises that were pumped into her heart remain. They whisper to her constantly, spewing poison in a fading mind, eviserated spirit; body laying in twisted sheets staring at a pitch black celling that reminds her of the heart that was cruely tricked and abandoned longing for the simpler times, but is now choked by the thorns of lost love. Faith fades, confusion takes hold of once unshakable consciencness of oneself, paradise is lost; a dystopia now surrounds a once blissful secure island of Elysian splendor. Left alone, scorned; this furious angel is being driven maddingly insane by the cold silence that has taken the place of a loving embrace. A million thoughts and questions flood her mind but only one replays itself, "why"? And each time a tiny piece of her heart falls into her hand and slips out of the cracks like grains of sand. But this once radiant muse that would make even the mighty aphrodite envious must pull herself together for the burning light of reality is shining through the darkness cutting through revealing the vacancy which she did not think was possible and face the truth that her thoughts were not her own, but a well contructed fairy tale told from the parasitic snake that fed off her passionate trusting heart. She cries for release to come soon, but alas a new day is steady approaching and now she must hide that pain with a untruthful smile to take attention from the empty void left in her chest; as for the rest? That is unknown......
Sep 30, 2013
Sep 30, 2013 at 5:09 AM UTC
the worst kind of Sad is not when Sad tries not to be Sad.
it is when Sad hides in your closet,
threading it's claws through the slightly healed,
fresh scars
that litter your entire being
the way that Freddy claws
at his victims of sleep.
it is when Sad creeps up upon you
as you listen to your favorite song
and it suffocates you -
suffocates you with your own scarf,
letting you fade in and out of life
as you lose yourself in memories you'd like
to forget.
you know which scarf Sad uses, don't you?
it's the red one, with the black stripes,
the one you threw in the furthest corner of your closet
because it reminds you of that day,
and summer sweat,
and the aching empty feeling that consumed you
until you were swallowed up
completely eaten alive.
Sad is only Sad when it keeps you from precious slumber
and drives you to the brink of drowsiness, all the while
weighing you down with
bone crushing, eye drooping heaviness;
Sad hibernates there, sound asleep behind the cavity in your chest
and it makes you think you're okay again.
the worst kind of Sad
is when it resurfaces -
though only when you're alone -
and replays your entire day,
a constant loop through each dragging second,
until you doubt it ever happened.
the worst kind of Sad
is not Sadness itself;
it is not even the chest clenching feeling
that it brings, forcing you to think
about each breath as you make it
but rather, the worst kind of Sad
is the one that breaks your ribs with the strength
of a wrecking ball
and prematurely reminds you
that someday
they will be gone - for good, forever,
a ghost haunting your life.
the worst kind of Sad is the
inevitable and unalterable reality
that there is nothing you can do
to stop it.
(I bit my tongue a thousand times, but had we reached the thousand and first, I would have told you the truth. Why are we allowed to become close now when you are sure to be gone before I can blink my eyes and gather the courage to say goodbye?)
-a.c.
Nov 18, 2013
Nov 18, 2013 at 4:53 PM UTC