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Martin Narrod Apr 2014
She had stopped crying.
All evening in her black-mesh coup de voodoo.
On the plane she had been crying
For her Summer pal. Yesterday she had been to market
Big brown bags and white bags, little pink bags filled with crimsony scents,
Capricornia, looseleaf newsprint, postcards, and colored pencils,
She had hands full of handles, bags bundled, stitched in strict Saturday fashion.
He could barely break a step, he could fake dance with her feet on his tip toes.
She was only three quarters the perfect size to fit inside his frame.
The grand disappearing act. And she was only ifs and suicides.
A stranded ray of sun-draped hair on a cooly porcelain forehead, the segments were all just wrong,
Something so wrong, trembling heart cries over a mute coo through a flattened tongue.
The sickle tongue, dodgy on Tuesday's, She had a simple mug, oh! But so cute and soothing, the nape
That wrapped around, my arm lapped its hands in a clapping ginormous duck's bill!
Lapping rhythmically. Thwack! Thwack!
Like no crying I had ever heard. Nor Earthen beauty I had never seen.
Her little lamb legs lumbered over, her awkward thinness and long limbs spilt on top of her,
Her tiny shoulders searching for support from her hips. White aurulent doll head on a stick,
She had sad defeated eyes, whimpering, pathetic,
Too small, and she shuttered and she shook,
And she shivered out every teardrop her body ever made. And she fell back on her bottom, and looked
Up as if to see a white steed standing with her guy striking a poised hand down to her,
He split down the middle, stammering, broken pieces of words crumbling out of his mouth
With eager intentions. He was too weak
To give her his feet, or pull her up in, he hadn't the gumption. He was fully occupied standing,
He wept too; then shuffled a little
Towards where she had fallen. He knew she wasn't right
She couldn't get the devil out of her piercing blue pupils, she couldn't
She lied.
Then she just piled on top of her knees and fumbled as if to rise like a demure lamb trying to rise off its Newborn legs, she just curled her legs,
So stiffly built, and narrow footed, built with such inequality to her siblings,
She got in the way of herself, a little lamb that could not manage.
Too whittled for him, he tried, he really tried, but three years had drained his strength, no real help.
When he sat her upright on her bottom, she opened her eyes, and for a moment smiled, grabbed for His hand but then after awhile she was lost, she lost interest, her pupils wandered.
He was orchestrating everything.
A real project, much more urgent and important. By nightfall she could not stand. It was not
That she couldn't smile or laugh or love, she was born
With everything but the will to live -
That cannot be destroyed, just like a love.
Melancholy was more important to her.
Life could not get her attention.
So she died, with her handles still in her hands, green grass stains her legs.
She did not survive another warm summer night.
And then he wept uncontrollably again.
"The wind is oceanic in the elms
And the blossom is all set."

2

The boy has come back
From the seashore, and atop the plateau.
The woes of women are like a genocide
In the morning, when the killing is over,
And the heat begins, and the bodies lie,
And stark life moves for its sobbing bones,
The curved women move with fire.
Father Father Father the girls
Are weeping, and crying and I cannot resist that gentle frailty
They are shucked in their skin suits rising from their soporific slumbers
In decadent leathers and frou frou dresses. They cling to bold faces,
Nothing can escape that cold crying of women weeping for their princes.
Blood-letting rage cannot overthrow the meadow from the pebble brook,
As a laden head bleats its tarnished tongue across a milky breast, it cannot
Escape the sounds of blue-stained teardrops cascading across the plains,
The sounds of woolbirds braying while their skins are sheared against the
Sluicing sound of water rushing through the flume.
All summer they have lamented, gorging on melancholy, tottering their cotton pyramid heads,
Shaking their cries in deliberation, bald skinny victim women screaming out!
Cotton-mouthed clams yaffing, hearts in panic, wholes of bodies clambering in a *** of woe.
They roost useless, pollard and wethered, jealous
Squinting out the last droplets of desperation from their eyes, screaming their mouths in awful
Togetherness, this cacophony of tortured tongue-song
They curdle the last notes of despair out under knotted breaths
With every inch of strength left inside them, they bray this way and that.
Their mothers scream out in wretched despair, ahhh!
On distant cliffs, on scrawny legs
Their stiff pain goes on and on in the September heat.
"Only slowly their hurt dies, cry by cry,"
Whipped bodies toting wergeld on a shore.

The Day She Died

Was the gloomiest day of the new century,
The first of calamitous, unfortunate autumns to come,
The first dying breath from piceous lungs.

That was yesterday. Early morning, soft rime droplets
Frosted to every blade of grass, not like any other
Earlier June day we've ever had. In the deep twilight
The syzygy announced the moon and demoted the sun.

The Earth-crisp frost nuzzled snow droplets.
Black bands of ravens whipping. Martens littering
Fresh kills of red-eyed rabbits on stark white stale
Summer lawns. A fox grayed, its cold bones
Mapped by ravaged feasts. A possum prowling
In a spot of tawny light.

The concrete spread into a maze
Of black veins ripening in the acute niello
Destitution of its widening cracks,

And when the summer left
It left without her. It will have to accept,
In the paley dim light of this vengeful wilderness -
She is gone.
But for now the warmth has not returned but a naked, half-pomegranate
Rotten moon for us two.
And a great vacancy in our memory.
Written for Britni West
bucky Sep 2014
someone is sitting on the train laughing
and i think it’s probably me
and someone is sitting across from you on a crowded bus laughing
and i think it’s probably also me
and when you ask your lover why it took him so long to get here he won’t meet your eyes
there’s a voice in my head telling me to leave it alone
and it sounds an awful lot like you
i’m not a slaughterhouse. i’m not all-powerful, i’m not a god
there are dead bodies at my feet and i don’t know
how they got there
this isn’t like last time
you’re the one who wanted romance
it’s not my fault that i can’t feel anything
and there is someone in the back of your mind laughing at you
and this time it isn’t me
my name feels ***** at 2am when you’re tired
my name tastes like the end of the world, bottled up
a lit match at 2am when you’re tired
the bags under your eyes look like bruises,i wonder how you got them
and someone is sitting in your bedroom laughing
and this time it’s you
Christina Lau Dec 2015
Someone’s world jumped
onto a cold set of tracks
at Jamaica station
early last week.

Someone’s world jumped
into the universe next door,
leaving us all for
being too human.

At the time,
I was trapped at Penn Station.
A pain spread
about my stomach
like a pen pressed against
a sheet of looseleaf.

MTA officials made announcements,
calling it a mechanical malfunction.

9 to 5 businessmen in
deep black suits with bluetooth headsets
groaned and bargained
for passage home,
ready to ride
through a stranger's graveyard.

Little kids ran through shops,
fingers sticky with frozen yogurt
and popcorn- surprise treats
used as pacifiers.

I sat in a well known coffee shop
pondering life and death.

The word suicide didn’t hurt
like it used to, but I felt
connected to this stranger.

I thought about
that person’s lover,
that person’s sister,
that person’s mother,
that person’s friend.

I thought about how
all of their galaxies stirred and switched gears.
A planet of theirs- tremendous or trifling in their own imagination-
collapsed and changed the course of everything.
I wondered if their galaxy halted and
each star and planet mourned or
if their galaxy smoothed over the craters
and dodged all the meteors and
didn’t even blink.

My galaxy shifted and
clouds laid thick.
Stars dimmed their lights in harmony.

A few years ago
or even a few months ago,
I would’ve cried
and thought
about following this
stranger to train station heaven.

But now,
I thought about
my sister’s galaxy,
my mother’s galaxy,
my best friend’s galaxy.

Now,
I felt sadness
but I also felt love.
an old poem re-written
smallhands Jul 2014
Mingling secrets purified our intentions
If only plans stayed in the margins
My stupors play with yours
In our printed world

-cj
JR Potts Dec 2014
A shoebox of letters
hand written on yellow looseleaf
pages upon pages of promises
written in red ink,
a coffin in need of a burial
a reminder of a life
and a love denied.

February 14th, 1989
penned within my first year
the name at the top is not mine
but she writes to him
the way you will write to me
only two decades later.

I shiver as I read each draft;
to realize our failed romance
was but an echo of the past.
I found letters addressed to the former tenant of my apartment, His name was Ricky and the only insights I have about him are the contents of a singular shoebox I found in the attic.
Johnnie Rae Mar 2016
the truth is i want to live long enough
to find sustenance in the roots of trees
and the green of grass.
live long enough to see a flower sprouting
in the middle of an untended lawn
and find a metaphor for my own life
within it's growing petals.

i don't know exactly what it is i want to live for
but i know that whatever it is will be beautiful
and i will drown in it's relevance.
it may take me years to find
and i may be old and gray by the time that day comes
but as soon as my eyes lay upon that certain thing
everything that has ever tried to knock me down
will be left dead in dust for a grave

humans are like stones in the ocean
tides turn us over until smooth, if we're lucky
if we're unlucky, the tide rejects us,
rough around the edges
and we face being buried under hot sand
that represents our mistakes.
choices made in moments where thought
was not a process, but instead a rejected idea.
like the many balled up pieces of looseleaf
that live in the garbage pail
next to a dissatisfied writers desk.
it overflows like our own regret.

i can only pray that i do not end up settling
for anything less than the smooth perfection
that i've worked so hard for years to accomplish
i did not pick the hand i was dealt
only made do with the cards in my hand
i am tired of settling
too compulsive to deal with anything less than
what i am capable of changing
i am not saying that i am mansion bound
or set on owning a private jet
but a white picket fence would be nice
maybe a black lab guarding a red front door.
there will be daisies in the flower beds
and red wine in the fridge
i'll make dinners made for kings and our pillowcases
will always match, no matter what.
Dylan D Jan 2012
I took out a pen and some paper, looseleaf,
Not worth the words I sponged onto it but it’ll do
I wrote down my feelings about everything
The silence of people on a subway ride to work
The closest star to us that isn’t the Sun
How the Bermuda Triangle got its shape and why the other ones
Weren’t cut out for it
Were it not for the clocks in my room, serving as reminders
That time still existed and would far outlive me
I swear I would have written forever
I swear I would have

Sometimes I would write letters to friends and never send them
Instead cram them into envelopes and into larger envelopes
And stack them in the fireplace, under the wood
And sometimes light it, other times just hold out my hands
And feel invisible warmth

The ones I did send, though, felt hollow
Words typed or written but not the words I needed
Or wanted
To say then. I’d rather ask you how your day was than to receive
A strange ****** expression because a question concerning
Cosmic dust and how it rushes together to create man
Doesn’t really serve as a good icebreaker.
Most of the unsent letters were to you
You and the clouds that guide you around, shifting rain
Back toward the sky

I wrote how are you today?
And meant I want you to keep auditioning for dance because you’re wonderful
I wrote doesn’t this weather feel strange?
And meant get a bigger umbrella so I can be under it too
We should try to go for dinner
We need to have an excuse to be together
Are tattoos a bad thing?
Look, topics to occupy us
My house is empty tonight
Where are you so late and what do you think about?
I miss the vase we sold
I miss you
I feel like today is longer than yesterday and will be shorter than tomorrow
I miss you

And they stacked, one upon the other
The spaces between each squeezed under the weight of the next
The weight of the words compounded more than the previous
Filling the spaces of my apartment to the point where
I could not see out the windows

“Today is Monday the 16th.  To whom it may concern, I’ve contemplated the ideas laid before me and can finally take confidence that I’ve chosen the right one. Many people say that virtuosity is next to solace and I believe that. Many people also claim that it takes a life to learn how to live, and I believe that too. I’ve so many things to say to everyone, even the people I’ve only met once or twice. But those people are just as important.

I can hear echoing between the televisions between the open rooms. The same words delayed by seconds but still audible and clear.  The reactions aren’t echoed, they’re different, variant on the person and how they feel about it. To make sense of my claim, I guess it’s just a matter of perspective, and now my perspective is clear, and now I want it to echo between the people to whom I send these letters. Whether the variation between reactions will be the same or not I am all-around unclear, but I know the reactions may have enough weight to keep me held to the ground, or even a bit lower than that. Either way, I’ve spent my life reacting to things as if acting on an echo.  I want to change the channel now. I want to close my door so the sound can fill the room and make the stacks of unsent letters shudder. I want to keep it there and turn the air the color of the closest star to us other than the Sun. I want to-“

I wanted a lot of things, to do and to say
But that letter and those that followed joined the others in the quiet spaces
Spaces which kept the frays of this life muffled and still
Like an ocean scooped into a bucket
Or the world’s smallest word
Backspaced by one letter
everly Sep 2018
im melancholic
best friend of two years moved away
without a word.
got cut off by those who'd **** for me

right?
cuz why not.
we're just in the mood to break hearts
and make them cry to their mothers and
make them binge netflix and
read a whole lotta novels not settling for one
because why be sensical when
you have
heartbreakers who can relieve you of
that job.
h.s frickin *****.
rusty shacks Feb 2013
You are a thing
of the world. You are
smooth as looseleaf. I would like
to fold you eight ways
and file you in my wallet.
You would find warmth amongst
my visa and forgotten
Subway sandwich punchcards
I could stow you behind my driver's license.
I could show you to my co-workers.
natalie Jan 2014
“The Road to Hell”

I am surrounded by blank pages.
With scorn, they mock my inability
to fill their gluttonous gullets.
Notebooks, journals, and diaries jeer
with disgust and desire; even the
looseleaf paper stares longingly
at the collection of pens and pencils
I have amassed, a stinging tribute
to my stayed hand. Each time the
moleskin is opened, he gasps,
hopeful, only to be crushed as I
jot a quick note, perhaps a phone
number, or a few names. The foreign
beauty with the hand-pressed paper
has not once been opened, and lusts
to be used — as a post-it, a sketchbook,
or kindling, she does not discriminate.
Each celebration of a birthday — be it
mine or Jesus Christ’s — is merely an
excuse for more lonely pages to join
the ranks, collecting dust and growing
feeble. A mysterious hand pain is
merely a convenient excuse, for the
truth is that I have never been a
consistent writer — not on paper, at
least. My fingers are suited to typing,
and the keyboard assuredly gloats
daily to the lonely paper of her
usefulness; Microsoft Word of the
multitude of poems, short stories,
essays, papers, musings, and
assorted writings he has fabricated.
Indeed, if the road to Hell is paved
with good intentions, then I shall
descend in a carriage of blank paper.
I dont dance and remember when... Like a country ballad I sat and wrote our future.....
Ash trays and bottle caps are surrounded by crumpled looseleaf  melted bees wax remindds me of the light i put out...
Like the only warmth in my desperate dungeon simplicity now i understand like a Einstein of obvious....
I frame my failures and hang the posts of social media near my melencholy motivations....
Desperate attempts now rely on the decline of my terror strapped sometime to become your worst nightmare...
2 am shifts and puch cards of never there left me tired of successful failure...
Cellular connection and text wars now fill my only connection when im not out of the service area......
Isnt wealth suppose to be your accept of my last mistake? Cold sandwiches Vlts double ryes supplement my misery....
A juggling act of balance now wears out the clown beneath my circus....
As the reality of a sublime future lights the mornings I leave... Sunset just means the day cannot sell my darkness its light...
As I forget how to smile and you remember how to dance....
know that staring at myself in motel mirrors and reflective gazes....
I know that deep inside im the one who needs changes...
My life isnt where i once thought they wanted me to be.......
I hope i was the only one
going into love
Thinking it'd be fun ;
excuse me
For those many moments i was loopy
scribbling my hatred into notebooks and looseleaf..
Eyes covered well
excited by your voice
Following your smell
i threw away my shell
To keep up with the pace
but then you said farewell
As far as i could tell..
mike dm Jan 2019
depression is like finding
a phillip morris pack
of cigs left behind the drywall
in an old burb splitlevel tract house
now being renovated.

you bust down a wall
to make room for
a new space only
to find old ways,
cute and smarmily nostalgic.

billboards of then,
marlboro men.

it's no michelangelo.

the not-too-far-back past
is a looseleaf ghost
binding you in three rings,
one of which won't snap
shut all the way, letting you
be here and there, drinking
your dumb boring blood
like a can of tab soda
from the cafeteria vending machine

replacing your numbered collarbone
with a googol of transfinite plateaus.
snarkysparkles Sep 2015
This is a letter on account of that poem
You left in the hallway.
I was walking by, and I saw it on the floor
All torn into pieces, and well
I'm a sucker for puzzles.
Two nights ago, I spent almost two hours
Painstakingly placing the pieces in particular places on
The looseleaf
Well, I recreated your poem like the deepest lyrical anthropologist.
It's all glued and taped together now, and what an irony that it was only
Love poetry from ninth to twelfth grade.
The lines are not that bad, but a little trite,
Someday, the girlfriend and boyfriend you used to call yourselves
Will grow up and away and apart.
And I will never ask either of you why
You left your poem on the hallway floor in little shreds.
I could look you up, find you, I have your name after all...
But I would rather leave the story up to my imagination.
This is merely me expressing my appreciation for the puzzle
You left on the linoleum for me to solve.
inspired by a true story
Sky May 2016
I spend this sun-day
hiding from the sun
under a comforter
the color of today’s sky
and zebra stripes.
I do not participate.
This morning,
I participated,
as my parents scurried about the grocery store
without me.
I called my father’s mother
and I called my mother’s mother.
I called my soul mate
and remembered
last night, prom night, perfect night.
Then I wasn’t at home alone anymore
and I didn’t want to participate anymore
and I let myself sink into the emptiness.
I deny any and all emotions and accusitions of life.
I am not of this world, in this world,
known to the world or by the world,
I am dust hiding under the bed.
I read a book that is nothing but truth and pain
and listen to music that is pure dark emotion.
I twist my mind into wicked shapes,
and embrace the emptiness that is slowly taking over my soul.
I don’t want to feel,
I don’t want to heal,
I don’t want to be me or anything.
All I think is no longer real.
I can embrace this sickness,
this dark disease of the mind.
I am sick, what is my cure?
I don’t know or care or want it.
Let me bleed, and let me sleep,
but don’t let me die,
even in this state of mind
I would rather just cry.
This is a place where love does not exist,
so I’m sorry, soul mate,
but right now you are gone.
This is a place where voices do not penetrate,
so I’m sorry, Mom and Dad,
but right now I cannot hear you.
This is a place where I keep my phone on silent,
So I’m sorry, cousin dear,
I cannot read your admiration.
This is a place made of nothing.
This is a place where my tears are my water
and my blood is my wine,
I never believed in religion
and I swear I never will.
I am my own savior
and I am failing at my job.
This is a place where I cannot be saved
except by my self, by myself, by mys elf.
This is a place to drown in a hot water bathtub,
blood dripping down my wrists,
but don’t let me die,
I don’t want to die,
I just want to sleep.
I just want to bleed a little bit,
I don’t want to watch my life run down my fingers
and slide down the drain,
irretrievable.
This is a place where
everyone who loves me should stay away
because they will get hurt
and I don’t want to hurt them
because I love them too,
but in this place
I love no one
and no one loves me,
so leave me all alone.
This is a place that I don’t tell my love about,
I don’t tell my sister about,
I don’t tell Mom and don’t tell Dad,
don’t tell the grandma with the cats
or the grandma at the lake,
don’t even tell the great grandma who is an older version of me.
This is a place
that makes doctors frown
and boyfriends cry,
that makes my sister slap me upside the head
and tell me to stop listening to depressing music.
This is a place where
I cut so I can feel something,
a place where I just want to see
the sparkling crimson against the paper-pale of my skin.
This is the place where I trace my veins
with my eyes
and have unwelcome visions of opening them.
This is the place where
I see my fears lined up
like a suicide’s pill bottles on the bathroom counter,
ready to jump down my throat
and stop my heart.
This is the place where I feel nothing,
I am a blank sheet of looseleaf
about to be torn into shreds
and scattered along the wet grass
for the birds to use in their nests
and the spiders to hide under.
This is the place where I think I might finally cry,
but somehow my face still stays dry,
and I wonder why I never cry,
I only bleed,
never cry,
never die.
This is a place where
I start to wonder if anyone would notice
if I just stayed here forever,
if they would see the emptiness in my eyes
(oh, my love, would you see the emptiness in my eyes?)
This is a place
I almost wish I could stay in,
because here I cannot feel the pain of emotions,
here nothing matters,
here words cannot penetrate,
here I am a tough scar and not an open wound,
here I am nonexistent
no one cares.

This is a place that I know I should leave
but I dont want to leave
I cannot leave now
I’m just too tired to leave now.

So let me sleep,
and in the morning I’ll be okay,
I’ll leave this place,
and no one will know that I ever left them
so I could sit in the empty darkness
with just my demons for company.

Let me dance with the darkness,
and let me sleep my way back to life.
fluorescent May 2017
my hair is an array is an array of fluorescent and inorganic colors,
i listen to indie rock like its my religion,
my best friend is my mother,
i go to bed early and still drag my feet in the morning,
my most prized possession is a sea shell i found,
i resort to self-deprecation in awkward situations,
my favorite t-shirts have sarcastic jokes or history references on them,
i cry when i am angry, sad, or happy,
my diet consists of only coffee ice cream and saltine crackers,
i cannot help but to care what people think of me,
my worst fear is wasting my time,
i am only seen wearing the same pair of old skate shoes even though
i don't know how to skateboard
my babysitting paychecks are spent on looseleaf tea,
i don't read as much as i should,
my worst habit is procrastinating,
sometimes i think i'm addicted to ibuprofen,
and i overanalyze everything i do to the point of hysteria

but you
you you you you you you you

you pretend to look past all this

i can still feel your judgement,
anticipate your rejection,
and foresee myself waking up tomorrow more miserable than today

yet somehow

your words say something else
they speak of my "overwhelming beauty"
they praise my "individuality and intellect"
your lips whisper tales about my "sensuality and passion"
they conjure up compliments that flood my cheeks with color

i melt, for a second

then i convince myself that you must be lying
for truths cannot contradict
Creep Apr 2015
H*ko, if you're reading this,
I just want to tell you,
I hate you.

Ill help you out,
And smile,
And laugh,
But I ******* hate you.
Because while I was telling you about
How my best friend tries to **** himself,
You started laughing.
And making ****** innuendos.

Because nothing is serious for you, is it?
Not my pain,
Not my sorrow,
Certainly not death apparently.
So do me favor?
Go **** yourself.
You think you're so cool for running from the police,
Getting girls numbers by the tens
Just for the fun of it?
Hah.
You've never been hurt.
You've been beaten by your father for not getting good grades, your fault mind you, but you've never been genuinely hurt, have you?
You have no clue what it feels like to watch your friend die, or to be so frustrated that you've resulted in giving up and letting everything push you around... you have no idea.
I can tell from your idiotic behavior and ingorance.

Hm. Now watch this. You're gonna read this.
And you'll make fun of it too.
Behind my back,
Of course.
You'll maybe apoligize with a smile,
Then ask me for a pencil, and a sheet of looseleaf.
Hah.
Like hell I'm giving you ****.
You know what you ******* need?
A life.

Cause maybe,
Instead of laughing and pointing at my ***,
Or laughing and teasing me and talking bout *****, ****, and all the girls aroind you like their objects,
Or not doing your work and mooching off of people,
You could have gotten your **** together
And became successful.
I pity your insolence.
B E Cults Feb 2021
I'm always drawing my best
on the worst paper
beauty is ugly
looseleaf in gold-trimmed
porcelain
read
mutiny as muse
spoon feeds
raspberries
airplanes
carry me back to that
bare faced Jerusalem youth
please
milk
honey
but no clue about Fukui
on Scenery though
yea no actually I think I'm good
fine with a horizon walk
illusory
lucid to Euclidean
viral fault
apathetic is sedative
dead end Oedipus
idiot
falling
laugh track
cash grabs
bill money
hit the plug up
medicine
unstuck and abstracted
built something still
ugly is beautiful
my .05 fine liner is empty
its all trash
thanks though

— The End —