If life is a highway
    then I'm afraid
the only people I've met are hitchhikers
   waiting on the side of the road
       for a ride
           to anywhere really
I stop
    because I could use the company
and also
        I'll get to use the carpool lane
Some passengers come and go
    without much effort on either part
the only thing they leave behind is a slight stench
But then
            there are the few
    who insist on driving
and take roads
    to places
            I never thought to imagine
they set up permanent residence
   and I am
helpless
in the passenger seat
        but as it happens
            with hitchhikers
they merely want a ride
to that better place they're going
    and I
        am just
the transportation.

First, let me begin by assuring you that the feelings indeed are mutual.
I just can’t be with you.
Here are the reasons why.

1. Your hands feel like they were molded perfectly for me. Our bodies fit so well together. Your lips taste like honey. Your skin reminds me of the scent of the sea. Your eyes, they hypnotize. When I am with you, I lose myself. I can’t have that again. I just got myself back.

2. I can listen to you speak for hours on end. Your voice, smooth like silk. You could read the dictionary for me and I’d be turned on. That scares me. I may forget the sound of my own voice and only hear yours.

3. You’re well read. You can quote Derrida at a drop of a hat. You read Foucault for fun. Yet it is the classics that make your heartbeat. I feel stupid around you for not being as smart. You never used that against me.

4. You laugh at my jokes. You’re even cornier than I am. That is never a good sign.

5. You are idealistic. You want the family with big house that smells like chocolate chip cookies as soon as you open the door, filled with noisy kids, surrounded by a white picket fence. You want the carpool to soccer practice and the after school arts and crafts and the weekend piano and cello lessons. I want it too. I just can’t. I have a tendency to run away from it.

6. You understand my tendency to run away. You love me still even if. Love is such a broad term. Love scares me. I. Love. You. Love. We. Love.

7. You remind me so much of him. The one that I lost. The one I got cold feet with. The one I regret not taking the leap for. I don’t want to regret you.

8. I am broken. I carry so much baggage with me. It doesn’t help that doctors agree that I am crazy. I need to fix myself first. I don’t want to give you less than what you deserve.

9. You are way too good for me. Your heart is so generous and loving. I can’t match that. It’s unfair for you. You already know I’m not good for you. I am dangerous for your soul.

10. I don’t want to be just another warm body in your bed for those nights when you are cold and lonely. I don’t want to be just another experience for you. A way to fill your time. I knew from the moment that you held me close that I wanted us to be permanent. I want us to work.

There’s no need for us to hurry, lover. Hold me close and let the cadence of our hearts beat as one.

Actually… please. don’t. I need room to grow. I need space to breathe. I know I contradict myself all the time and you are so patient with me but… no.

Warning:
The seagull flying over the Appalachians
could not possibly be amused by the
puzzles of an illegitimate composer
and the skyscrapers climbed.

1.
The skyscrapers were played by tall
rocks a girl climbed when she couldn't
remember if the cape she wore was
made from steel or newspaper.

11.
The newspaper they all read together
that morning (girl, boy, king, etc)
promised nothing but a fifty percent
chance of dandelions terrorizing the bus stop.

2.
The bus stop had since become a
dealer corner and the sunset behind
the mountains was blocked by the
flipping hair of a lost boy.

7.
The boy bought a toy for cheap -- it had
a built-in laser, so she stole it to blast a
whole hole in that guilt-ridden quilt hung
over the four dollar love seat.

6.
The love seat, she bought the day he went
to maple -- the soap dispenser was broken,
but she couldn't find anything new (that she
knew) to wash her hands with.

5.
The hands that handed her a hammer were covered
in promotions, so she stole the motorcycle when
they were watching the scarecrow going
through electric-shock, disco therapy.

8.
The therapy that she received from the
parrot-king and his troupe of square roots
was enough to make her not forget not regret
the boy with feathers in his ears.

10.
The ears she woke up with one morning
were different in shape than before
and the black fur she knew
was growing before her eyes.

3.
The eyes of the boy were wider than
the nightly news station promised, and
there wasn't really a difference
between caves and boxes in a town that small.

4.  
The town she arrived in didn't have
a carpool lane or derby, so
she had to take her pet goldfish
to the river for his depressive state.

9.
The river wasn't as flooded after a couple
weeks of changing the tune on the jukebox
she found way before the departure
of her white gold pearls.

12.
The pearls she wore for her
coming-of-age were buried beneath
a dirt mound when she promised herself
to always insist on herself.

I wait for you to come closer,
To draw closer and tell me
That you can't deal with me
Any more. Not with my
Insane, bordering on
Psychotic, behavior, and
My bipolar mood swings.
But, you draw closer
And you smile right at me,
And draw me into a hug
For a second, that little voice,
Which I am always aware of,
Which tells me I'm never
Going to be good enough
For anyone to accept or like,
Let alone love,
Fades to the back of my mind.
I let myself relax
Into your warm embrace and
I let myself be and believe.
I turn to smile at you...
Before I can see your face,
Your features, I am woken up
From my daydream
By the bell signalling the
End of school. I pack my bag
And head towards my carpool,
My movements sluggish-
Even cheerily wave goodbye to
A few stragglers.
I reach home and eat lunch alone.  
I go for tuition, let myself
Become numb to everything
But learning and understanding.
It becomes darker and it's almost 8,
I come back home again.
I had been out from 7 in the morning.
This time, my family's there and
We eat dinner together, though,
I am barely there with them.
They're discussing important
Things like business and will
Talk to me later.  I finish eating
And go sleep. Tomorrow's going to
Be the exact robotic same.

The day of the site visit
I hurried out at six fifteen to wait
For a train with a waning moon,
Bright Venus and Jupiter hovering
Above the skyline. The amber horizon
Turned to orange and pink
As scattered stars went dim.

Misread the schedule and arrived
Downtown three quarters of an hour
Before my Electric District connection.
An accidental gift to self.
I ascended, ate two breakfast sandwiches
I got for one dollar with a coupon,
Warm in my hands on a blue picnic table.

The sky grew light
Above the Lake and I wandered
Through Millennium Park. It was empty
Or nearly, which felt the same.
The sun broke the bent horizon
In chrome and ice. I took some pictures,
Then descended to find Track Five.

The day's light revealed
Hollow houses with cartoon stone applied
Like paint, unable to compete
For preeminence with two-car garages.
The newest were bigger and offered
In different colors, but all the same.
Driving conditions were excellent.

At sunset I stood on another platform
Above a busy highway. The last rays came
Through tree branches and melted
Into the pale sky as they left my face.
I had witnessed that sun's birth,
It had warmed me while I waited for my carpool,
Rested with me on a concrete planter after lunch.

I entered the city in darkness
A second time. Changed muddy boots
For clean shoes and hurried to the museum.
It was a free night, overcrowded
With families and children, so difficult
To find a quiet corner for contemplation,
Any sanctuary for my own small soul.

I descended, discovered the typewriters, then
Realized you and I were already there, just
In different colors, using different words,
Spending school vacation to view old paintings
And the Holiday Miniature Rooms.
It dawned and the future was brighter even
As I left the city in darkness.

I found it while unpacking boxes of old books in the basement.
It slipped out of a Spanish to English
dictionary that I probably smuggled out
of a middle school library ten years ago
and haven't opened since.

I knew what it was, of course-
whole years were spent with bad posture
listening to substitute teachers and CCD carpool-drivers
lecture about the bold beauty and senseless frailty
that was youth.
Their bodies were at once tense and earnest.
Their voices were at once condescending and pleading as
they sang deeply of the space we blindly occupied and
they fiercely missed.

My understanding of youth was a
sepia-streak stumble through tall reeds below an open
sky; taking clumsy steps on sea-cut feet
and one day regretting not passing enough
notes kept folded in pockets or taking
enough pictures of the faces whom I ran beside.

Youth, obviously, is subjective-
It can be teased up or sculpted-in tight
in relation to circumstance.
In my own mind youth is a cool breeze,  glory days thing- like prom night or my first kiss.
Really each took place years ago but, since they didn’t
carry the weight or sheen I was told they should,
I still sit tight and wait for them.

They will find me eventually.
They’ll arrive a loud booming from a furious sky that births open-prairie rainfall that quiets my
teenage sadness as I sit shotgun
in some boy’s pickup and we race
a  cornfield to the Wyoming border.

The fact that I’m in my twenties is irrelevant.
The fact that I live in New England, where corn is imported and gas is expensive, is not worth noting.

So when, in the basement among the books I've hoarded and arranged around me like armor,
I saw my golden-ticket youth slip
out between pages and waft slowly down, I let it  hit the ground.
I could have crushed it with a sneakered sole
like a cigarette or crumbled it into nothing with shaking fingers.
I could have let it careen down between damp paperbacks to
the box’s bottom and know for certain it
would never reemerge.

But, surprisingly, I didn’t want to.
It was light and lovely in a way I would have never guessed.
It wasn’t as sticky as I thought it’d be.
In fact, as I flipped my hair forward and
double-no-triple knotted the bouncy, silky strings
(Strings that felt more like existing than regretting)
at the nape of my neck- a smile so severe I thought I'd crack found it's way to me.

My youth will never be something I flip through
like a catalogue and miss and cry out for. I will never
be haunted by it nor will I conjure it
around a fire while trying to make a point.
I won’t tell ghost stories about my youth
to bored kids because I am not going to let it die.

I saw it today. For the first time I could touch
it and smell it and I realized it didn’t have to be
the sarcophagus of who I was,
but instead could serve as the shifting
and stretching prologue to who I will be.

I’ll let it hang loose and light from my neck.
Its colors will fade in the sun and its beads will
probably warp as it trapezes altitudes and climates.
It will dull and tarnish.
It won’t stay pretty but neither will I.

I’ll gladly sacrifice any lace and filtered polaroid memories
and oft-repeared stories of my youth; kept behind glass and propped up among rags at a museum exhibit,
for the low belly excitement of closing my eyes today and not knowing what I'll see when I open them tomorrow.

So here is a tale,
Epic, but true
Of my trip to So-Cal
Written down for you

It starts out in Salem
Such a fine town indeed
And 28 hours later,
From the train I was freed

Of this long ride
Not much can be said,
But for want of a better seat partner
I wished to smack him on the head.

For never such a pompous
Man have I met-
He fancied himself
Better than the rest

And when it came time
To un-board the train
My request for help with bags
Was met with disdain

To add grief to my mood
Once I got to the station
I found that my checked bags
Had not found their destination

But don't fret dear reader,
No, do not fear,
For my story gets better
of my two day stay here.

We came back the next day
My cousin and I
To find two boxes had arrived
The third still being sly

So to the beach we did roam
And many pictures we took
If you'd like to see them,
They're on my Facebook.

While in the water that noon
The ocean clear as day,
With my eyes I did spot
A baby sting ray!

While a marvelous sight,
One I'd never seen before,
I hopped out of the water
Lest my foot receive a sore.

After our play time,
We discovered hunger
And for my first time
Went to In-N-Out Burger

My dear cousin Stefanie
From the mother of a friend
Received many apples
So I pie I did blend!

All by myself
Was the recipe made
Crusts included,
with my memory's aid.

Once out of the oven
And cooled just quite right,
The deliciousness was evident
From the very first bite.

The next morning was my last
Of my trip to California
We thought to see Hollywood
Was a marvelous idea.

But oh the traffic-
We were not prepared
So from walking around
We were completely spared.

Visit we did,
But in drive-by form
So to leave for LAX
I did not long mourn.

Early we did arrive
To where from I would leave
Thanks to the carpool lane
Into which we did weave.

Inside the airport
I traveled alone
This was the first time
I had by myself flown.

Three hours of waiting
Before I got on the plane
Thank goodness I had my Kindle
To entertain my brain.

Once the plane had been boarded
My trip seemed quite short
It wasn't long until
We got into port.

From there it was Tanner
In his Honda Accord
Who picked me up from the airport
And to Newberg I was restored.

And so of my trip
I have but one thing to say:
I like Oregon weird!
California can keep its L.A.

I am prepared to caravan our
Cargo across the country into
New times zones.

Carpool with our college friends
Through rush hour traffic and back roads
Without street lights or deer crossing signs.

Pledge my allegiance to the
Fraternity of road trippers who
Believe all homes are mobile.

Measure myself by interstate
Mile markers—every township line
We cross is an invisible stamp
On the passport of my soul.

Spend bathroom breaks between pilgrimages
Gluing Polaroid pictures of our expedition
Next to city names in our road atlas.

Learn how to **** into coke
Bottles in bumper to bumper
Traffic between rest stops.

Discover new reasons to live
As the glow of brake lights guides
Me toward the next exit.

They decided to carpool for work
Business Women working nine to five
They buckled up and ignited the van
She was in the passenger seat
Being a mile away from home
Never seemed so far away

Some people end at five
While others begin
By the time six came around
He was already stumbling for his car keys
To get to a destination
That he really didn’t know how to get to
It’s like his brain simply just shut down
He buckled up and ignited the car

They were resting at a stop sign
Not far off from a community
When they decided to move forward
While fast forward was coming from the right
Going past 35mph signs at 85
And I’m not scared of most things but…
He was flying
She was in the passenger seat

The powerful pressure lifted her off the seat like hands
Tore through the seat belt like claws
Crashed through shattered glass like the beautiful miracle of a spider web
Picture a body suspended in air floating like a cloud
Except with a lot more velocity
Teeth and skin grinded on pavement
I can’t walk on my hands for five yards
But somehow she managed to slide three blocks on her face
She finally rested when God himself
Personally came down from the sky and held her
Looked into her brown eyes that weren’t even there anymore
And he said, “This is enough.”
Now a tulip grows under concrete

She came from a family of twenty-two
So the hospital was full and weak
The lobby was filled with too many strangers to host a meeting so
The doctor took the warm-hearted family into a room
And they poured in so brightly that the door couldn’t even shut
He told them not to remove the blanket because they wouldn’t see
Something that should be on shoulders resting on a pillow
They have to shut the casket
Like folding hands over one another
Hiding a dying butterfly from it’s most beautiful worn out moment

Then there were loud shouts of profanity coming from outside the door
As a family was inside learning what it meant to come together
They could hear everything
“How much longer do I have to ******* wait you mother *******? Ahh **** come on! Someone ******* help me, for **** sake! Doesn’t anyone give a **** about me!”
This room was a TV set not turned on
The doctor needed to excuse himself
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” he said
“That’s your drunk driver outside, he broke his arm.”

I sit outside of a closed library
Due to certain citywide cuts
This library has been closed
Since June which comes
Nowhere near explaining
To me why the *******
Pulled in behind me
So much for taking a ****
Off my back bumper

The day that my daughter
Starts elementary school
She’ll meet a little boy
And he’ll join our carpool.

With this little boy
Tea parties she’ll have
He’ll teach her to play soccer
He’ll make her laugh.

Together they’ll get older
Through the oddest of phases
But it’s my little girl
The little boy always praises.

They’ll go to prom
Walk in hand-in-hand
Each other’s secrets
They’ll always understand.

When the time comes
He’ll ask for permission
And my husband will say,
“On one condition.”

“Treat her well,” he’ll say.
“And if you don’t I will know.
She was my little girl
Not so long ago.”

He looked at my husband,
The boy—man, I mean,
And for the first time
A man he seemed.

He reached into his pocket
And took out the ring
He’d place on my girl’s hand
In the middle of spring.

In- transit housekeeper with a-
beautiful name
Suspicious College Park subway-
people , waking replays
Telltale inhabitants , blustery November-
commuter stations , screaming trains
Lawyers carpool south , caretakers charge-
north in ***** rain
Kinetic Georgia peonage channeled-
through a "City too busy to Hate" ..

I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry that I'm at a loss for words. I do know this. Bodies come and go. Physical living heart beats come and go. Voices and hands to type come and go. The beauty of life is that the soul transcends the physical. Bodies are vehicles for the soul. Sometimes people lose their driving license. Maybe that just means they need to carpool. Love is proven true when you feel the burn of its absence. Please remember that just because there is no voice to hear, or body to hold, or ears to listen; does not mean a person has left. Souls are silent, but they will not leave those who love them.

Last vehicle in the carpool
and I'm in the back seat
thousands of people deep
for front seats to the next season of life
all waiting to move out and on
not even sure where we are going
just gotta keep moving...
and I may not be not religious
but I'm always praying
perhaps not to anything godly
but I'd like to think
there's something listening

We pray for children
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.

And we pray, for those
who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who never "counted potatoes,"
who are born in places where we wouldn't be caught dead,
who never go to the circus,
who live in an ******* world.

We pray for children
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
Who sleep with the cat and bury goldfish,
Who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money,
Who squeeze toothpaste all over the sink,
Who slurp their soup.

And we pray for those
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who watch their parents watch them die,
who can't find any bread to steal,
who don't have any rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.

We pray for children
who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove ***** clothes under the bed,
and never rinse out the tub,
who get visits from the tooth fairy,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church or temple and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at
and whose smiles can make us cry.

And we pray for those
whose nightmares come in the daytime,
who will eat anything,
who have never seen a dentist,
who aren't spoiled by anybody,
who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
who live and move, but have no being.

We pray for children
who want to be carried
and for those who must,
for those we never give up on
and for those who don't get a second chance.
For those we smother…
and for those who will grab the hand of anybody
kind enough to offer it.

We pray for children. Amen


-Ina Hughs

we don't dance, not tonight

tonight, we are all looking a little bit more fabric than body
and I've got that sort of forced smile, awkward pose, first month of high school kind of look


the one with the wrong shoes, and the sweaty palms
the one with his older brother's suit, and no corsage


the one where we carpool


so we don't dance, no, not tonight


tonight is about feeling small next to the speakers


about the heel breaking, the uncomfortable laughter, and the sunday school slow dance
tonight is before the attitude



tonight is more dress than hips,
more dirt road than runway


no swagger, not the middle of dance floor




just a long line coming from the bathroom, and a mean homecoming queen

Zibbyzabby
Pontchartrain
Westminster Abby
Carpool lane
Sixty four g
No-fly zone
Zingaboppy
Rent-to-own.

Lay down a beat
Make some noise
Out of my seat
Girls and boys
Empty calories
Some free radicals
Kiss your babies
Separate but equal

Bippilyboppidout
Sannabannazoomie
Half a bannable
Yastagoochie.
Fastagammarama
Wammadammaboosa.
Crestarest­alini
Totally organic loofa.

Locomotion ocean
Witchyglitchystuff
Beedee essem
Treatemkindarough.
Hepanepa plop
Simulated leather
Random drug tests
Keep it all together.

Cyrious.
                        My own Spelling.
Polly Wogs and Knick Knacks.
Goldfish and Brac-A-Brac
            I remember you. I’d love for you.
If it makes any sense
            My Thoughts Where Have They Gone?
Tell you know I’D.
It’s just a bridge, there is nothing here.
            The perfect is the biggest imperfection.


I MISS THE OLD DAYS,
            Times of pure nostalgia

It was Laughing and play all day
            Till we left and went our own ways.

You remember it
            I tell you, I miss it too
The fun times,
            When everything seemed okay everything was right.
Always tell, we put each other up in a fight.

            I can remember when there were many
                        AND.
We had our loved ones close by.
            Carpool and late night swims
Neighbors knocking at our door
            Making too much noise stomping on the floor

            But now, It’s gone, It’s all too quiet.
Neighbors, they wonder, if I’m even here.
            I question, what ever happened.
Life. No matter.
            If we’re standing still.
It will go on,

            Without us here
Little impact makes it clear.
            If there’s a point
Please take me to it.
                        I disappear as the last match is lit. .

Silver Bands on your finger
            Are we the same in one?
Perhaps it is no one à perhaps everything is undone.
                        The thoughts the Thoughts.
They swarm in our minds.
            Are they confusing?

Listen to them all at once.
            They say Practice Makes perfect,
But no one is perfect, so there is no need to Practice.
            Pretty Girls and Silent Boys, they all cry.
The good, the bad, the inanimate, they all die.

            We like to think we all have our part.
That when we die there is a torn up heart.
                        But that’s not true.
There is nothing to lose.
                      
            For no matter how hard we try.
Un-Important and Fleeting is our story,
And there is nothing we can do.

Hey baby, wanna keep me warm?

I can't seem to sleep if someone isn't beside me.

It's the witching hours, and their bewitching powers
I'm enraptured by bad decisions

I only like bumming smokes from friends
So I can be properly shamed

I am waiting for the butterflies

I'm waiting for when the time feels right

Only instinct knows how to guide my soul

Be friends with everyone you meet
You never know who you'll carpool home with

electrotango makes me sleepy
when I've been out all night

staring at screens
after so many faces

you must earn your keep here, girl
or you shall suffer the consequences

earn it, learn it, or you'll burn it all
yeah, you're more likely to burn it all

Dear William,
          It has been 3 days since you left me alone here. Your death has been one of the toughest parts of my life. That day that your mother called to tell me what happened was one of the worst days of my life. She told me, through tears of grief, that you were driving home from school when a truck hit your little car. They say that you died instantly, which gives some hope that you didn't feel any pain. What I never told her was that I asked for a ride home that day. You brought me to my house, and as usual, dropped me off with some crazy hopeful phrase. The words you said that day are ingrained in my head forever. "Don't hold anything too close to yourself, because if it gets ripped away from you, you will never recover." I guess you were right Will, I never did recover, that is why I write this to you. I could've have taken my carpool home like I should've, but I didn't. Instead I wanted to spend time with my best friend, the guy I considered family.
         At your funeral I will put this letter against your headstone and leave it there. The only person who needs to hear this is you, and if you hear this I will be brought to peace with myself.
         I only wish I could've told you one more time how important you were to me. That day you came to save me from hanging myself was one that proved that someone cared, you cared. And now I miss you more than ever.
      
        You were more than a friend, you were my savior, and that is why I will miss you more than most people will ever know.

    Your Brother Forever,
    Riley

Hole in Hollow


The end was brought by men of sand
born creeping blood and streaming water.
Apocalypse fought in the heart of nature
by the hands of her heartless keepers.

In these glorious hours, mourn the grieving
this last morning, this gory evening.
Victory swept when they were dead in treason,
the ****** drenched in sweat and the wet bodies lie bleeding.

This is the end of everything,
the final fall season.


Foreword: My Plague

   This is that dream.
   I found myself on a long barren road, winding, far from the city, civilization for that matter.  My road meanders, slowly reaching my destination in what could have been a straight and focused line.  The curb reads my mind and takes me further as I try to escape it, following me.  I stutter in cursing and the clockwise becomes counter, but I age.  I age more rapidly than ever as the tape rewinds, or the record spins backwards.  My record sings supposed messages from the Devil as my existence lessens yet my sins become more.  How can I repent when there is nothing left?  There will be no wrong when I am done, but I will suffer for what wrong I had.  I will be a lie when I am not here to give the truth.  If this pain cannot be corrected, it will be shared.  This is my plague.  I will drown in this sea only knowing that I've spilled insanity's seed to blemish the water, blot the page.  This is my plague and you will feel it with me.
   I am telling the story and you are listening, with every page you read, you are the sinner's dream.  I have you.  This is my plague.  Action.

Chapter One: Love and Marriage

   "Oh, God, Bill, you must be ******* me."
   "No, Drake, I am never ******* you," I nearly shoot myself in the face and respond.
   "Same lady?"
   "Same lady," I think about how ugly she must be to keep calling and how much makeup it must take to bring her face to a tolerable state of viewing.
   "Drake, it's an outstanding fine of five thousand dollars, it's not even that big of a loss for you."
   "Then it sure as hell isn't that big of a gain for Master Rentals, BILL.  Are we even talking about the same money-******* corporation for Christ sakes, Bill?"
   "Drake, this will end in a lawsuit.  You don't have much of a choice."
   "Bill, God ******, BILL!  Stop repeating my name.  This is the reason I shouldn't have hired a male secretary in the first place, I'm entirely stressed the Hell out and have no one to comfort me because I'm not even the least bit attracted to you."
   "Drake, you're getting married," casually.
   "Bill, you're getting fired," seriously.
   I throw the phone and its base out of the open window, screaming in a wave of relief as it leaves me, and again, in pain, when I find the line still connected to the wall, and the unit hanging outside of my 12th story office which pans a great view of the Los Angeles sky and the pathetic bums beneath it.  At this point I would much prefer the phone's position in hanging from a ledge to mine, sweating in hatred, with a possibly homosexual secretary.  "Homosexual ex-secretary," I shed a tear of happiness upon this remembrance and see him in a daydream bleeding from several moderate wounds, with the only real puncture between his legs.
   I leave my office and would proceed to stab to death every male co-worker wearing a tie with a graphical pattern, but I have to get back to my apartment as soon as possible because I miss Sharon, my soon to be better half.  I am confronted by a beggar upon my exit of the building.
   "Amazing!  Two and a half seconds into hearing the door open you're already asking me for cash.  I bet you would be happy with yourself if you weren't such a worthless *******.  You'd make your father proud, but he's probably dead by now."  I remember the phone and shove the homeless Mexican to the ground, where he probably thanked me for acknowledging him.  I turn to my office window and wave a ******* at the device, dangling, swaying back and forth still.  I realize now that I had left my lights on when I came to work, but it doesn't really matter because I've only been here for a half hour and I'm already leaving.  I use a handkerchief to open the door because the handle is ***** and I fear the *** may have touched it.
   I remember on the drive home that people are **** when I see the passenger of the car in front of me throw assorted trash out of his window.  I consider beating him and the driver to death with their own exhaust pipe in the next ******* toll booth we pass through, but notice a police car following directly behind me.  The rest of my drive is calm and quiet and I try not to push too ******* the gas, as an inconsistency in acceleration is considered illegal in Los Angeles because these inconsiderate ****** don't have anything better to do than harass people who make more money than they do, maybe even by doing less work, of which I am incredibly proud to be in that sort of a position.
   I take a deep breath and enter my apartment.  I smile firmly as I notice my fiancé's puppy leaving a surprise on the welcome mat and carpet before me.  Startled, he stops abruptly and skips gleefully into the kitchen where I'm sure he will soon finish.  I apologize for interrupting.  I see the blood of my lover puddling on an expensive leather sofa that, to my memory, wasn't even present on my last visit, and follow a trail of the substance leading to the bathroom.  I realize I am fantasizing when the bathroom door swings open and Sharon smiles to my own disappointment.
   "Hunny, you're home!"
   "Hunny, I'm home.  Why did you buy that dreadful couch?"  I light up a cigar and pass her open arms for a fall onto the sofa's cushion on which she should be lifeless.
   "They say smoking causes cancer, you know?  It will **** you," sarcastic, but at the same time realistic.
   I shake my head back and forth, looking up as if I were falling, then looking down as if something fell in front of me.  Rolling my eyes in dismay, I'm thinking of something else to tell her.
   "They also say professionally trained dogs don't **** and **** on expensive carpet," quick, but at the same time commanding.
   "Why are you always so **** negative?" She screams softly, tearing up more quickly than usual.
   "Why are you always so **** positive?" I wonder if she's ever thought of dying her hair a ***** sort of blond, or dying at all.
   "Drake, you are killing me!" She screams, at the top of her lungs now, confirming my subconscious inquiry to be as positive as she is.
   "I'd have to see it to believe it."
   I am now calmly and cleverly reading the sports section of an outdated newspaper, wondering if the dog's already claimed territory on today's, showing neither affection nor displeasure in my response.
   She leaves the room crying in a manner too painful and obnoxious for me to ignore.
   "I LOVE IT HUNNY, I LOVE IT!  Keep it coming, baby.  The cameras are going wild!"  I mention this in reference to her joke of a career she took with modeling.
   How I love that woman so.  I confuse myself as I dream about making her swallow that engagement ring I got her at some point for a reason I don't understand or have lost the compassion for.
   "Did you know it was supposed to rain last month?  Have you seen today's paper?"  She had already left.  I know this because I heard the door shut two minutes ago and she left the way I came in.

Chapter Two: Milk and Eggs

   I try to act surprised as I answer the phone, but I'm entirely too fake.
   "Hey darling, I'll be home in about an hour, I decided I should get some milk and eggs before the supermarket closes."
   Milk and eggs?  Does she realize she was having a nervous breakdown only ten minutes ago?
   "Shannon, milk and eggs?"
   "..."
   "Sharon, milk and eggs?" A smooth recovery.
   "Yes, milk and eggs.  We're all out." Alright.
   I hang up the phone slowly, stalling when the receiver almost touches, waiting... nothing.  Disappointed, I walk into the kitchen and forget what I was going to do.  I remember my high school sweety as my first real loss, Shannon.  Thirsty, I reach for the milk carton and upon lifting its weightlessness, I scream and hope Shannon knows what to expect when she gets back.  Sharon.  I look at my watch, quickly realizing I had spaced out for a time period of at least forty-five minutes.  I have fear that she will get back sooner than she expects, so I leave and choose to head for my office, but panic at my choices in transportation.  I never have this problem in the morning, I'm always wholeheartedly Bentley or Mercedes, but the afternoon is an entirely different story.  Sporty or speedy?  An eye at my watch tells me I don't have time for this, so I sob and hail a taxi.
   I can't become comfortable upon settling into the cheap interior with the non-leather backseat and realize I should have taken the Mercedes.  It's too late now because Sharon might be back.
   "Whey' you wan' go?"  The hardly English-speaking driver wails like a Puerto Rican, but upon further study, seems to be quite a Mexican.
   "Wan' go office."  The driver gives me shifty glances after this, squinting with a suspicious paranoia, first into the rearview mirror and secondly after turning around to face me.  I laugh and tell him to just go straight and stop stealing all of the American jobs.
   We pass by my office building where I wish my phone had fallen to some young child's death, or a welfare-dwelling tax-money-******* minority, but it hangs, relentless to my hunger.  I aspire to one day not think of ******, but I could stab the driver and roll him into a pond and be on my way just as well.
   On the walk home, I notice the relationship between the night sky I sleep under and the monster of which it makes me.  I'd try to elaborate, but I'm not quite sure I could.  My sleep is done when I wake up with Sharon nudging me, taking the best of one world and murdering it with the worst of another.  It is so unnecessary but happens nonetheless, hopelessly.
   Here I am, on my bed soaked in a cold sweat, Sharon crawling naked over me, salt on my tongue from my cheeks' streaming.
   "Good morning, sunshine.  Why the tears?"
   "What happened to the evening?"
   Upset, I'm sure now that I should remember something of the night before, probably better than I just made it out to be.  I've just had problems caring since she began speaking to me two years ago.  She flattens herself, chest to my lap, smiling to my reaction.
   "That always happens when I wake up." I try my best to **** her satisfaction.
   "I'm so sure."
   She has a great body, I'm just not sure I want to remind her.  The television suddenly turns itself on as the button on the remote must have pushed itself under the sheets, her eyes roll and she stammers, then passes out on top of me.  I slip out from beneath her, making that light slurping sound that means you're being careful with my lips tightened to the muscles in my neck.  I realize that was entirely unnecessary when I see the empty pill bottle on the counter, Xanax, prescribed yesterday.  I slam it against her face and pull her off the bed by her hair.

Chapter Three: New Girl

   "So, what's been in your system lately?" Roger asks lightheartedly.
   "It's been a heavy rotation between Bright Eyes and Chevelle."
   "Bright Eyes can cry me a freaking river with Justin Timberlake for all I care.  Goodman, the indie scene *****, get over it.  Have you listened to the new Hawthorne Heights I loaned you?"
   "Maybe."
   "Well, did you like it?"
   "Yes and no..."
   "Eh?"
   "Yes, I liked it... and no, I lied."
   "What's wrong with it?"
   "You know how you said cry me a river with Justin Timberlake?"
   "Whatever man, they scream and stuff though."
   "I'm leaving."
   "What did you do with my CD?"
   "I don't remember.  I would check the surrounding dumpsters of the place at which you forced it onto me."  I almost interrupt myself.  With frustration, "Again, I'm leaving."
   I get out of the car and walk around the traffic jam around us.  I arrive at the office thirty minutes before Roger's emo ***.
   "I thought you were carpooling with Roger this week, Drake?"
   "I don't carpool, I'm rich."  This nameless ****** is wearing a tie with a Christmas tree on it, out of season, and he will regret it one day, if I have to do it myself.
   I'm sitting at my desk and my view of the new secretary's skirt is brought to a sad closure when Roger bursts through my door, interrupting her sorting of my files and sending her backward about two feet in fright.
   "Where is my CD, Goodman?"  He has this real joke of a ******* look about him and it really makes me want to see his small intestine hang from a ceiling fan.
   "I'll get you a new one once you apologize for what you said about Conor."
   "Conor?"
   "Yes, Conor."
   "... Oberst?"
   "Yes, Conor Oberst."
   "Oh my GOD, you are still not over that whole Bright Eyes thing?"
   "Get out of my office, you little ******!"  I seriously pelt him with tens of pencils from the intricately placed holder on my desk and he leaves, feeling my superiority reign.
The phone rings three times and I let my machine pick it up, I thought it was set for two rings.  I remember now.
   "WHO the HELL put the PHONE BACK IN MY OFFICE?  WAS IT YOU?  YOU LITTLE *****!"  I'm sure she hears me and is petrified, wherever she has run off to in the time of my distraction.
   "I'm sorry I can't make it to the phone right now, I am at an important meeting with representatives from an almost higher power.  If you are calling for business discussion, leave a message at the beep.  If you're Sharon, take the phone and-"  Click.  They forgot to leave a message.  I paper airplane a death threat into the back of a fellow employee's head, he's been standing outside of my office looking at something on the floor for at least thirty seconds, ***** looking skater hair.  I quickly get back to reading papers of a nature similar to the one I just used.  He turns ninety degrees and reads, almost aloud, I surprise myself as I read his lips to remember what I put.
   Another ninety degrees and I see him glance at me in the corner of my eye.  I lower my forehead to see past my reading glasses, raise my eyebrows, and then tighten my chin, waving ninety with my left hand leisurely.  He turns as my waving registers, entirely stiff, ninety to the left, robotically, and continues on his way, probably to a cubicle.  I shake my head.  Left, right, tilt down seamlessly, left, right.  I hope my secretary saw that, as it was a rather smooth execution.  She already left.  ****** at this, I throw my papers outside of my window and the phone rings.  "Who put my phone back in my office, anyway?"  I'm ******.  Sharon leaves a message this time, still at the third ring.  "... I was just wondering if you wanted to go with me to church tomorrow.  That's all."  This just reminds me that I'm at work on a Saturday, I don't remember why.
   "Idiot."  I swear I hear her digestive system breaking down a variety of entire pills, maybe whole bottles, as she hangs up.  "Sunday ****** Sunday" by U2 surprises me on the radio.  Nothing that good ever gets played around here.  I'm not going to church and I'm leaving work early today to wring some dove's neck in the park.

Chapter Fear: Satisfaction

   Fear is a funny thing.  Some people claim they've known it all of their life and then they go on to say that they can smell it.  You can NOT smell fear, if you could I would be among the first of its acquaintances.  You can see fear, you can hear it, feel it, sometimes I think I taste it, but you only smell sweat and body waste.  Sweat can be brought about by many different methods, but it smells the same within all of them.  Fear is only one of these occurrences.  Jogging too fast makes you sweat, even I sweat.  Seeing someone's eyes grow wide with awe is fear.  Watching their body twitch before you've even touched them is fear.  A grown man crying is fear.  Hearing it... the certain deep breathing not attainable by jogging too fast is fear.  It sounds as though his or her life is about to end and he or she wants to take as much air as he or she can with him or her in one breath just in case it is his or her last.  I feel as though I've rambled or that you've lost yourself somewhere, but far beyond that, it is disappoint

How do we as one vehicle
get to something we all want?
We carpool our specialisms
to drive ourselves forward.

god i just feel so distant from all of you
after a carload carpool back from my paradise
i suddenly stopped feeling
anything about you
except guilty and sorry that i was there
i know i did nothing (wrong)
but ruin everything
i used to know i would be sad
if you didn’t choose me in the end
but i’m not so sure anymore
because it feels like i’ve stopped
choosing you

Table top deity, piggy backing best friend
carpool in the morning, mourning in the evening
mispronounce words from every second reading
take us back to kindergarten
girly  hair
cut my crusts
imagination runs amok
yet reminiscing isn't always forgiving to you

like a dragon your breath lingers on my face
i inhale sweet scents of cinnamon and turmeric
the sweat of the days labor
the ecstasy of savoring our good natures
beauty resides in chambers of the mind
i decline accepting favors from neighbors with grudges
and axes to grind
and sharpen my own knives against the silver blades of time
in snowfall the descent of vision is secondary to the suspension of gravity
and love has risen like reverse lightning
hungering for its return to the starry eyed sorcerers
selected from the mantle of antler wearing shamans
the nativity is blind as a blonde from Wisconsin
sonorous dulcimers depart for the auto-tune convention
sing your limits like you spring for chicken dinners
impossible symphonies, silent epiphanies
facsimiles of days spent wading through carpool lanes
with tiny elephants dressed in swimming trunks

I’ve been angry so
so long
despite the cost,
it’s familiar warm
consistency
keeps biting back
each time letting go
crosses my mind.

Maybe it’s a worse version of myself
grotesquely missed
in those mornings I wake
free from fear.
Secure knowing
somebody can still
my rattling body
when I'm too bleary eyed
to spend another moment in the carpool lane.

Miracles,
no matter how well laid
slough back
toward a haze more binding
than comfortable.

Just close the door
when there's nothing left to be.