its a lifelong feeling of
thinking i woke up in the wrong bed
i don’t know how i got here
it’s soft and i’m so tired
and maybe i’ll just rest for a while
even though i know i don’t belong
i wrote a story about my life
popping like a balloon
and she didn’t want it;
i guess we all get stuck with things.
i’m over it now but at the time, it was a dagger.
i said i am really sorry
and what i meant was
i love you more than my heart can handle
it had been all about me
and then you took the stand
and losing my breath never felt so romantic
do you know? do you know?
i can’t apologize for the way my attention
is always and only on you
you know you know
every day i thank the lord that you exist
i’m sure you hear the prayers
i can’t describe it
you are so much
you are everything
thank you for crying
and thank you for being mine
but in some secret kind of way
you’ll never know how much you mean to me
just know that you are the least replaceable person that i have ever met
and every time i say goodnight
i’m really begging you
jcl. i will never stop loving you, mostly because i will never be able to.
some nights you feel as if you have to be gentle with the air
if you **** at it too hard it will burst
like when you touch something
you aren’t actually touching it
and when you’re alone you’ve got someone right over your shoulder
ever notice how there are too many cars in the parking lot to be probable?
what are all of these empty machines doing just sitting here?
sometimes i switch faces
i always recognize the one i see but i don’t think it’s the one i’ve always had
i better turn the car on before something quiet gets me
i wrote this after i saw the movie midsommar. it is truly a masterpiece.
i don’t miss you.
ju. in case you were wondering.
the good ones never stay
well i must be terrible,
cause i’m not going anywhere
“i think he knows.” lover.
sometimes i am granted the ability to see my parents as people
not just the person i know them as
but the person they are
for a brief spare moment
i am able to slip into their narrative
slide behind their eyes
finally understand their drama and their intrigue
their uniqueness and their plainness
their angels and their demons
and their late night separations
i see who they are without me
sometimes i am granted the ability to see a different version of reality
i think i am omniscient but really
what i am seeing
i had a strange moment of clarity and a stranger moment of fear.
“nobody else feels bad when they feel bad
so why should i?”
well honey that’s the difference
you’re not like them
you’re too sticky sweet and soft
no one wants to touch
and no one ever will again
i was so sad and so surrounded. i think i’m alright now.