Movies into the late night
Two people
**** carpet underneath
Scary movies playing on the screen
Satus creates platonicy
Is that what belongs between?
Bodies move closer
Platonic still in nature
One curious of more
Is the other wondering as well?
Twenty-two days left in this month
Will change occur under this moon?
Twos of twos will live to see

I always thought pink hair was stupid
The color never looked good on people
But then you dyed your hair
Maybe I’m bias
I am
Who am I kidding?
You pull pink off well
To bad I don’t get to see it much
I wish I could see it more
Seeing the face under that pink hair
Makes me smile
Feeling the body attached to it
Has me feeling warm and comfortable
The things that that pink head comes up with
Gets me laughing at all times
Too bad you seem disinterested
In anything that involves me
Friendship even
I thought we were going to be great friends
Then we got here
And your real colors were revealed
They don’t seem to be
As attractive as your pink hair

One year ago today
I gave something
To my best friend
But society says
He took it from me

That isn't true
It didn't matter
If he took it
Or I gave it

In that moment
I was happy
All those summer nights
Rolled together
While we became one

People say that
Alcohol taints things
Oh how they are wrong
That night was perfect

We started as friends
Came together
As so much more
Shared a bed
Yet left best friends

Orange letters
On a black screen
Speaking of danger
Hot and intense by nature
No small sparks
To light the way
Of children's to be
Favorite memories
The middle of summer
Begins to mean
Uncomfortable nights
And light shows
No more
Fireflies
Beautiful dancing
Or bond fires
Just the bittersweet memories
Of a different year
The joy of years past
Leaves you sitting on the hard floor
Crying
For no other reason
Than not seeing
Those stunning bits of fire
That lit up your childhood
Having them withheld
Has brought you to this
Tears running down your face
As the bombs crack around you
Recorded many years past
With the sound of others
Enjoying the sight
Your favorite part of the year
Yet you never knew how much
Such a small thing could mean
Until you're left
On the wrong side of the fence
Hand in hand
With a new one
Different than years past
Who wraps their arms around you
As the tears slide down your face
Reflecting fireworks not seen

When one writes of love
They tend to use these general analogies
To explain the sensations
You could sit there and describe
Exactly how love makes you feel
But without those analogies
The words wouldn't hold the same appeal
There would be something off

The reason I speak of love
Is that I am in love
Thoroughly a part of an intense connection
That make it so no words can find the right meaning
No matter how hard I try
I will never capture all of our love on paper
The love radiating off of him like heat waves
The genuine sense of safety
That comes from his steady embrace
Nor could I capture the danger
The side of my love for him
That holds too close
Feeling the wrath of his anger
Though it isn't for me
Purposely putting myself between
His anger and himself
My love for him propels me to risk myself
To make sure he's okay
The slightest drop in his voice
And I'm left circling for ways to help
The words to make the feelings true
Still lay out of reach
But I pray that he can stay with me
Until I find those words
Ending with an "I do."

None of these words I speak
Will ever stay silent
Though better are hiding somewhere
Deep in the distance
'Til then I'll write of love
Without the right tools
Except those old and used analogies
Running theirselves raged
To barely graze my love

So I'll write a poem.

The sense of no solid ground beneath you
No compass to tell you where to go
All questions lead
To no answers
Blank stares
Into dead eyes
Lack-luster hair
Framing a giant face
Unable to catch your breath
Every once of modivation
Passion
Energy
Laying like lead in your veins
Sinking lower and lower
Clinging to you bones
Clawing as it sinks
Into your feet
Cementing you to the spot
But there is no ground to attach to
Only the black abyss
Swallowing you whole
As the chill sets in
You feel a far off heat
Radiating comfort
As if you were
Sitting beside a roaring fire
After staying in the cold too long
The sensation of another
Through all of the pain
Caused by chaos

I always put everyone else first
Sacrificing my own wants and desires
But for one night
I was selfish
I got what I have wanted for months
Though it’s something many believe I hate
I have desired it for months now
Only with one
Not with anyone else
No matter what others want me to do
To them
With them
None of them
Have stirred this thing within me
Just that one
Now that I have had a taste of what I wanted
I don’t know if I can stay
Here where my desires and whims
Are contained to just one
But not that one
Another of a different feather
Who wishes to cage me
Within their sweet words and pretty promises
Yet I still wish I could be as free
As I was that night
When I was as selfish as I dared
Doing as I pleased
As he pleased
We both were pleased
Whether it was due to the alcohol
Or poor choices
I don’t regret it
Like I do all of those other encounters
These bruises don’t make me shy away
I don’t try to hide them
The whole world can see them for all I care
I put myself first for once
And it didn’t leave me covered in scars

I don’t know what to tell you
My mind is spinning so fast
I pull at my hair to make it stop
But that no longer works
The pain isn’t enough anymore
Reluctantly I reach for my wrist
Digging my nails in
Hoping that the pain will be enough
The pleasure it brings me doesn’t help
As all of this occurs
You ask me what's wrong
Reaching out desperately to help me
But I coil back
Trying to reach another
Who no matter how mean is always there
To forbid what I’m too scared
To promise away
My grip changes to not leave marks
Now pinning my veins and bones together
Under a steel vice
Practice has made my hand
I want to talk to you
Tell you what is occurring
But my heart beats against my ribs
Like a caged rabbit
My veins push at the thin skin above them
Begging to be released from their prisons
I wish I could grant their wish...

Artists capture moments for eternity
In dried paint mimicking life
But the stiff edges of them
Are unable to show the emotions
That flow off of everyone
Softening their edges
Bleeding more than my open vein

Their colors are unable to resemble
The stark red of my blood
On the recently bleached porcelain
Or pinpoint each star
Of the galaxies within his eyes

Nor are they able to blend their paints
To show how the simple white pills
Absorb the colors of my palm
Or how they make each of his movements
So drastic and sharp

The way her body turns and twists
When the music pulses within her
Is something artists have yet to paint

They may grasp how her hair twirls around her
Getting stuck on her lipgloss
But it will never look right
Without the motion behind it

The lack of music is deafening in their portraits
They tried to capture the beauty of a songbird
In a soundproof glass box

There is so much that I want to write
Express how all of these occurrences affected me
Put on paper the way this music has me feeling
But each time I begin
It all feels wrong
I delete all the lines I had down
Contemplating if lines of another sort would be good
Wishing I had toxins to consume me
Just as their lack of presence does
Those who are here are not the ones I crave
Just like I crave those pills again
That terrifying sensation
To fill my time just like years past
But I know that I want to be here when they return
Whether that be two days or two months
So I leave that sensation in my past
Dreaming of new ones that I want to experience
With someone who is supposed to be back here with me soon
I impatiently await for them to return
On the edge of all my seats
Waiting for the night I do not have to go back
To this prison they call home
But can be in his arms all night as my worries dissipate
While poisons fill me
As his presence soothes me

I have been broken for days now
But my will to survive blinded me
I didn’t see the signs
Now it’s too late
Woke up from little sleep
To see I’ve been
Crying in my sleep again
It took too many days
For me to realize what
This weariness in my eyes was from
To notice that I wasn’t
Cold like I was telling myself
But scared
So I curled into myself each night
I didn’t just miss him
I had been reaching out
But he didn’t really respond
If he won’t talk to me
Who will?
She’s gone
Which is why I reached out to him
But now I’ve woken up to see
The wet marks left by my tears
To feel the damp trails
Still on my cheeks
Now I’m left wanting something
I am unable to have
Someone to hold me close
No one has been able to since she did
Except for him
But his silence kills me slowly

One simple word
Along with a digital smile
Has the power over me
To make me jump up and down
As if I’m still a preteen
Speaking excitedly to my first crush
But I’m older and have more experience
Still the idea of spending time with them
Brings my heart to full speed
And my inner innocence fills with joy
I feel so uncensored with them
There never really seems to be a need
Well I won’t say that I don’t need them
It doesn’t matter if my innocence or experience is speaking
I need them in some way
Weather to have clean fun
Or something more exciting

When others asked me
Who I thought to be my best friend
It was not the name of a sister I uttered
It was yours I would speak clearly
I was proud to call you my best friend
I felt such a connection
And I knew you felt it too
But somehow in the mix of life
We separated
Though not by my will
I did take that last step though
But all I had asked from you
Was a simple request
But you refused
And I snapped
Leaving us standing on opposite sides
Of the line in the sand

This doesn’t change
That my heart screams to be near you
What I would give anything to have you here
To speak with in excited tones
Of all that has occurred

I can hear your laugh as if you are here
Surrounding me as I tell you
Of what I have done
You would chuckle
Tell me that I have done good
Wrap me in your strong arms
Before you hand me
Whatever pison we chose for the night

I can see the looks of amusement
You would give me
As I told you of my adventures
While we sat cross legged on your bed
Your cat between us
Food you made before me
As you make sure that I eat something
Me failing to get you to eat more than a bite with me

But above all else
I miss you

White was never my color of choice
But it never felt wrong
Though I don’t believe like others
This color now feels out of place on me
Soiled some would call me
Unholy others would
But I don’t see it like that
Why would I let someone touch me
If not for the bettering of myself
I shed that old title others gave me
The one others forcefully took from me
But I had held on to it
Like it would somehow bring me peace
Knowing I was still a ****** in my mind
But I left that titled behind
I let someone else take my title by choice
Though not who I expected
I barely know him
And each time I think of that night
My skin grows hot
But not with the sensations of his touch
Only of the embarrassment coursing through me
No, it wasn’t bad
Yes, I enjoyed it
But why is it so hard for me to think of it?
Twice now I have made memories
That haunt me
One in unspeakable ways
The other in unmentionable ways
But all I know is that I am no longer that title
By choice this time

Truth be told
A year ago
I met this kinda quiet guy in Marching Band
Who seemed quite curious
But then one day
My friend and guardie
Said something quite unexpected
She was dating that kinda quiet kid
Now no one expected this to last at first
But the season ended
Then the end of the year came
When the new year started there they still stood
Eventually we saw how well he treats her
And accepted him as a permanent structure
No one can say a bad word about them
When they see the looks in their eyes
The love that radiates from them
Is something that we all strive for
But know there is a slim chance of finding
In high school as well as life
So all I have to say to these two love birds
Good luck & love always

You are like a sister to me
We have grown up with each other
From as close to day one
As you can get
Without being real sisters
I love you with all my heart
And I know none of this is intentional
But we seem to be drifting Dear
It’s been twelve years
And the laughter is now forced
Though only in front of others
We are still sisters at heart
And behind closed doors
But why can’t that be
In front of your friends?
Why does the laughter
Have to be forced for them?
Why do I have to feel like
Second class around them?

Oh how I hate this small town
Where I can’t find any girls to have fun with
The only ones with that mindset are my friends
And I can’t do that with them
So I turn to guys
No one bats an eye
There is one I want to actually have something with
But he’s not here
And I’m bored and lonely
So I’ve turned to having fun with other guys
It’s the closest I can get to what I want
Flirting is fun
Kisses and bites on the neck are ******* ****
But when it comes down to it
Guys aren’t always fun

Last night
I dreamt you came back
You waved cheerfully through a window
Came out to greet me
And we embraced
I can still feel the fabric of your sweater
You were wearing black and white as usual
But something was different
I think it was the lack of sadness
In my dream you were happy
In my dream you came back to me

How strange to think
That those who use to hang on your every word
Now sit silently waiting for your words to cease

Once upon a time
There was someone who cared
They sat on the edge of their seat
Riveted by the pictures your words painted
But in this moment
They sit in awe of someone else’s tall tales
While you type away behind a screen
Sending your creations out into the world
Praying for someone to notice
That silent plea within

Once upon a time
There lived a girl who’s every breath
Bled with words and emotions
Her heart was present in everything she said
Those around her held their own breath
Not to harm hers
Now she sits alone in a dimly lit room
Her breath going unnoticed
No longer will anyone hold their breath
To see hers

Once upon a time
In a dusty old room
Many years left untouched
Someone found a old collection of writings
Curious they began to read
What was dated before they were born
Soon they held their breath in anticipation
For the words plainly written before them
Held their attention so dearly
It caressed their imagination
And soon they could hear
A sweet voice speaking
The words with such passion
That their mind couldn’t be brought back to reality
They submerged themselves
In the writings of someone long silent now

Once upon a time
A long forgotten voice
Drifted through time
To breath life into
Someone new

I thought I had moved on
Left my fear in the past
But sometimes
I can still feel his hands on me
His hair against my thighs
His breath on my neck
Him keeping me pinned to his chest
The leather of his backseat
Against my bare legs
His clumsy fingers
Are all I can feel sometimes

How do I say this?
I mean I have worked hard
To be able to
I told myself I would tell
The next person to test me

But when it happened last night
My attempts were futile
I still couldn’t say it
Weakly I pushed him away
He wouldn’t stop though
His tongue was down my throat
He gripped my ***
I didn’t enjoy it
But I couldn’t bring myself
To tell him that

Others want us together
Maybe I should give it time
Let him do as he pleases
That’s what they want
They tell me he’s great in bed
Do I dare?

No.

I can’t let anything happen.

Again.

I need to fully consent
But I don’t think I could with him

He’s so strong though
If I don’t tell him
He will take my silence as consent.

Again.

How can I say it?

Do I want to?

Yes.

I do.

He isn’t who I want
But is who I’m supposed to
No one would bat an eye
If I said I was with him
Unlike with the other
For I know they would ask

He likes you?
I thought he wasn’t your type?
You gave it up, didn’t you?

Maybe I should give it up

But with who?

Do I consent to something
I’m supposed to like?

Or to what I want to try?

Do I allow something that is to come?

Or do I wait for what I want
That might not come?

Maybe I should become
That **** that they keep calling me.

I guess I’ll wait to see
If I consent.

These words are long overdue
But each time I sit before the screen
It seems too impersonal
A keyboard is incapable
Of showing how my hands shake
This paper holds the tears I shed though

All of the late nights I spend praying for sleep
I am unable to because I know
Miles away you lay on your floor
Music pulsing
At the same tempo
As the blood that flows freely

How am I to sleep
When I know you stare at the same night sky
I feel you lie awake
Making me unable to close my eyes

But when I think of this
Tears threaten to overflow
I no longer can pick up my phone
To see if you are truly awake

Sometimes I hope you think of me often
But I don’t want you to feel this pain
I have lost my tether to reality that was you
And no matter how you feel now
I know you lost the one
Who knew you the best

How have you been Dear?

I wish I could have called you last night
My mind was slipping
And the walls were closing in
But I couldn’t call you
I had to fall asleep on a tear soaked pillow
Trembling in fear

Thinking of what you would have said
Has stopped helping
Now I think of your tired voice
Telling me it will all be okay
Makes my throat close
And my head spin

It’s scary to think of
How things change
Who do you talk to now?
Who has taken my place?
Do you love them
Like you loved me?
Do your fingers hover over my number late at night?
Can you feel that I need your strength?

Has it crossed your mind
That I’m scared to let someone else in?
Once I recover
From the constant shock
That I can no longer call you
My fingers rest calmly above someone else’s number
But my heart races
If I let them in
That means you will never come back
I already know you won’t
But letting them see
All that you have seen
Will finalize it
I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet

But I know I need
A new tether to reality
‘Cause freefalling
Isn’t healthy

How has this occurred?
I have become such an oddity
Those who call themselves near to me
Are unable to comprehend

When things first started with us
They told me that I should leave
After we started to fight
They stopped listening to me

Now almost two years later
I finally have ended everything
That is all that they care to hear
That they won’t hear of you again

What they don’t understand
Is that you are still on my mind
We had a lot
Your were many things to me
Girlfriend
Best Friend

You were the one that I called
Everytime the world came crashing down
No one else seemed to care
Had no idea what to say

Now everything has ended
And I don’t know who to turn to
When memories of you
Make my vision blur
My head spin
My heart ache so painfully
That all I want to do
Is dial your number
With shaking fingers
Ones that have dialed you
Too many times

When you come to mind
I have no one to turn to
They all have hated you
For so long
No mothering arms
Or friends to embrace

All I have
Are more memories of you
Of how I ran to you
With tears in my eyes
As my heart got broken
To many times to count
By all of those who
Claim to love me
Families that tormented me
Death that threatened me
Be it mine
Or that of others
When nothing seemed right in the world
I ran to you

Now that you are gone
Where do I belong?
My safe haven
Is long lost

I refuse to cry now
You have told me so many times
That it’s good to cry
But you aren’t here to catch my tears
To make sure I don’t fall
Again

I’m lost without my center of gravity
No matter how much we fought
You were there when I needed you

When I was lost in the rain
Afraid of new beginnings
You were who I called
We hadn’t really talked in months
But you picked me up
Made sure I was okay

When no one cared
That he left me
You handed me shots
And said it was his loss

When my family became unbearable
You talked me down
It took hours
But you never spoke a word of hate

I think that’s what hurts me the most
You never did say anything wrong at the end
All you did
Was pull away
No communication you said
I had lost your trust
The one thing I never lost
Through all those fights

Now I’m left here
Full of pain
Depressed but oddly at peace
Until my mind drags up
The picture of your face
I want to yell and cry at nights sky
But I know you are looking
At that same moon as me
While still getting lost in the stars

You never sleep
And now whenever I do
I don’t want to wake again
But I don’t have you here to calm me
I feel so alone now
Even when we fought
I knew you would come
When I decided to take my final breath

I know with certainty now
That no matter how many times I may call
You won’t pick up
And I will be alone at the end

You left before you
Could find someone
To take your place
Now I’m left here
Alone again
Just like you found me
But there's a difference now
Then I had never had anyone
To hold me at my worst
Now I have
And I don’t know
If I can go on alone

Now when things threaten
You aren’t here to make it better
Your memories hurt more than help
I am more lost now
Than I was then

Honey I’m not sure I can make it this time
I feel so broken
Without you here with me
You will just have to see me
On the other side
Please tell everyone
I’m better now
That you knew me better than them all
And that this is what I wanted
What you don’t have to tell them is

That I died because of you

He speaks with an edge
Calls himself evil things
Tries to hold himself to them
But then he touches you
These simple gestures hold
An unspoken gentleness
One he keeps hidden from view
But with his arms around you
You can feel that there is a sweeter side
Those dark eyes that pierce you
Have such untouched depth
That you want to sit and talk for hours
If it means that you can see
His emotions play across those eyes
A simple gesture
Of not removing your head from his shoulder
Brings you great joy
His persona would have been mean about it
But he just smiles and carries on
Early in the morning
When you both think the other is asleep
His arms stay around you
Never wavering
Those calloused fingers
Trace careful circles along your side
Something so hard shouldn’t be so sincere
The moment his arms pull you closer to him
As his breath stays steady
Your heart sores at his warm embrace
But the sweetest of moments
Is that of his strong hand
Gently tipping your chin up
To let his subtle lips meet yours
Shrouded in hazy morning light
His lips lighting every inch of you on fire
Those sensations so foreign to you
But make you want to travel
To every place they speak of

Dark eyes glint in the night
But nothing is as it seems
This isn’t a predator of evil
Though it can be one of flesh
It hates to be one of the mind
Yet somehow I feel at home
I know I am walking into the lion’s den
Laying down by it’s side
And trusting it not to hurt me
I am aware this is foolish
But I don’t really care
I left my worries and concerns at the door
Those aren’t needed here
I have faith in my captor
Though I’m not held against my will
I enjoy every second of it
The old me would have hated it
All of it
From being so close to someone
To letting someone speak to me the way they do
Though it isn’t completely wrong
I know those words aren’t meant to hurt me
Somehow I am unscathed
I feel I could flourish here
Poison flowing freely
Words not leaving marks
Only actions matter
Strong arms holding me prisoner
But I am oh to willing
Now I just fantasize of a predator’s eyes

Late nights
Turn to early mornings
Crowded beds
Become more appealing
When you’re wrapped up in someone’s arms
Only sleep for maybe an hour
But it doesn’t matter
Your mood couldn’t have soured
Being pressed up against that warm body
A hand resting on your side
Your mind slowing down for once
Different thoughts start to form
Unsure of what to do
You burry your face
That hand moves though
And soon
You are face to face
With entrancing eyes
Chin tipped up just a bit
Next thing you know
That high you felt hours ago
Is replaced with something better
Their lips against yours
You break apart
Your don’t stop smiling for what seems like hours
And all you do
Is wish you had said what you thought
Don’t stop

Fast beat
Heavy base
That’s how it starts
Next thing you know
You’ve slapped a *****
Burned some bridges
Await some much needed fun
Give up on your fears
Take your life by the horns
Decide your going to do it
That thing you’ve been skirting around for the past month
You know the one
Well you’re going to do it
Whether it’s a good idea or not
Just waiting for the soonest possible moment
You don’t care of the outcomes anymore
The person who cared
They left
That version of yourself is dead and gone
Now its time to become
A reckless hurricane
A swarm of emotions
Impulses
Desires
Actions
No over thinking
Just what you want
When you want it
Let the music take over
No more control over yourself
Just reckless fun

I slapped her
Hard

She deserved it

**** if I care what bridges I burn

All I see in my future now
Achole
Drugs
***
Loud music

It took two years
But I did it
I ended that **** for once
Not her

I just burned another bridge in the process
**** it
I don’t ******* care

I feel it now
I will actually go after him
**** my fears
If they rear their ugly heads
I’ll slap them like I slapped that *****

My life is mine now
**** everything that has been holding me back
The old me is now dead and buried

No more bullshiit
I will take what I want
When I want it
I dont ******* care anymore

Look over your shoulders
Lock your doors
Here I ******* come

My matches are lit
And my mind is made

**** this

Do you see a beautiful mess
Or a reckless hurricane?

Do you romanticize my cigarettes
Or do you hold your breath when you walk by?

Do you really find me that interesting
Or do you lace your words with pity?

Do you still think I’m cute when I slur my words
Or do you silently slide farther away?

Do you think nothing of all I smoke
Or do you wish I would stop?

Do you think my nervous habits are cute
Or do you look away?

Do you sigh with relief when you know you’ve saved me
Or do you wish you hadn’t picked up that phone?

Do you think of me in your spare time
Or do you see me as a time requirement?

Do you truly want me at that party
Or do you only bring me because I said something?

Do you miss the old me
Or do you like who I have become?

Always there to make you smile
Unable to contain the nerdiness
Sober or otherwise
Terrific *******
Insecure for no reason
Never going to break promises

Leading role
Unkind but truly sweet
Kick *** person
******* of the best kind
Someone I want to keep

How sweet it is
Melon
Cactus breeze

The sticky sweet flavors coating my lungs
Drowning out her laugh
Focusing on his smile

They all know my name
Say it with enthusiasm
Protest loudly when I say I have to leave

I stay an extra hour
But none of them really notice
They are too busy

Her laugh is all his smile sees
All my lips do is paint a smile
And take another hit

I am not alone in my chain smoking
This is a two person caterpillar
One with history

We stay put that extra hour of mine
Close together on that couch
Smoke hiding us from everyone

The lights are dimmed
We are alone
Nothing happens

We talk and talk
For what seems like hours
Though it’s only one

My head rests on their chest
As I take another hit
Their arm lays comfortably over me

All of this is familiar
None of it feels wrong
Yet it isn’t as everything belongs

We speak like the old friends we are
No hidden lust
Just real words in a world of smoke

I no longer care what his smile sees
I am happy where I am
Talking of past adventures

Another comes in
Says they’re leaving
We both protest loudly

Plans are said to be made then
We all want to invite his smile
But not her laugh

I don’t feel guilty for my thoughts
I am allowed to have them
To act on them

Her pale skin in the harsh light
I can barely understand
What power she holds over him

But some how I hold similar
I happen to not try to wreck friendships
As she already attempted

The maturity that our host shows
Is astounding
He didn’t win but still stands

We all are proud of him though
Even if some are unaware
Of the battle that occurred

He made it! He made it!
All of us gathered here to celebrate
Our hosts accomplishment

The roasts that occurred
Bring smiles to everyone's face
Even my painted on smiles turn true

This group
Even if I am new
Feels like home

I’m comfortable staying on the couch with old friends
Or venturing out with new ones
Staying put by one’s self is accepted as well

I can’t believe this group is leaving
I am one of the few who will stay
They all will be moving away

For now we all relish each other
Those of us who have known one another for forever
Or those who have just met

These summer nights will be some of the best of our lives
Laughter mixing with
Hookah smoke

Black and Blue
Overcast, blotting out the sun
Smoke trailing behind us
As the popping of cans surrounds us
Clad in black and gray we go
Falling in sync
While the simple things in life
Keep us together
Broken beyond belief
We hold each other together
Though masks exist
For the public
Together we leave them behind
No shame
We know each other’s worse
Words spill out
Mixed with smoke
Swirling around us
Deep thoughts
Combined with blue mountain tops
Sitting side by side
Our old world comes into focus
And you say;
“This is us.”

What is this sensation?
New but familiar
Never experienced in a safe environment
Maybe this time will be different
I might not leave in pieces
But I probably will
I never leave anywhere fully intact
Am I possibly ready for it this time around?
Hopefully
This time seems different
There isn’t that overwhelming compulsion
Just a steady stream of wanted conversation
No strings seem to be attached this time around
Just honesty and fun
Is it the summer heat getting to me?
I hope not

It ended with me saying
“That was nice”
Into the night
As I laid there
The feeling of your lips
Still resting on mine
I hadn’t expected to do it
But now I’m excited
I wasn’t as gone as I acted
That was me
Yes I wasn’t all there
But more there than I said
I walked over in the dark
Hoping it was the alcohol
Praying it was the drugs
In reality
It was your face
Through the light of my lighter
Smiling at me
Laughing with me
All of it lead to it
To me leaning over
My fingers on your chin
Bringing you to me
Kissing you
You grabbing my hand in the dark
The feelings of it all lingering
‘Til you fell asleep
And it all ended where this began

I can’t sleep
It eludes me
Taunts me from afar
Every time I close my eyes
I see him
Standing there
Looking at me
Touching me
Tormenting me
Playing it off
Acting like nothing happened
But it did
It did

Cold metal cuts translucent skin
Skin so fragile

Too much has been done to it

Cuts run deep
Bruises grow darker
  
Eyes so deep set
Shadows cloak them
They stare into nothing and everything
Seen too much
But never another’s love

Smoker’s fingers twitch
Every minute
Of every day
The need so great
To fill those lunges with poison
The burning sensation
That reminds her she is alive
Salt rimmed lips her only hope

Words always meant a lot
Now are only white noise

Freak
*****
****
Loner

They are only names

Disgusting
Unworthy
Unholy
Wrong

Only letters strung together


They are how she got here though
Names and letters thrown at her
Led to her bringing that blade to her skin
Led to her bumming her first one
Led to her buying her own pack

First she avoided the lunch room:
No lunch

Then she left before they awoke:
No breakfast

She came home so late:
No dinner

Thinner and thinner
She was wasting away

Few even noticed
Even less cared
One told her to eat
Would bring her food
She would force it down
Leave
And throw it back up
Almost every time

Her clothes hung on her frame
She was a broken frame
No one saw the haunted picture it held

Names and letters continued
Her life withered
She held on barely
Poison her only friend
Her guardian angel a blade
The new dream was six feet under

No one noticed

No one cared



So she stole some pills
Tried them
They made her feel a bit better
She kept taking them
Then they didn’t work so well
Upped the dose
That stopped as well

Eyes finally turned to her

The questions started

What’s wrong with you?
Why don’t you just **** yourself?

Answers followed

Everything
I will

The planning started
At first it was just something to take up time

Then it came alive
It started to entrance her
It spoke to her in her sleep
During the day
When she was kneeling on the bathroom tiles
When blood dripped from her
When smoke escaped her

She finally decided

Taking pen to paper
Words finally came to her
She spoke of those who hurt her
Of her own pain
Of everything
Everything she hadn’t said in years

She signed it with goodbye

She held her last cigarette
Took the most pills she’s ever had
Stood up on the chair
Put on her favorite new piece of jewelry
And she…

Kissed her life away with a smile
“Goodbye”

How has this become my life?
I mean when did an actor start meaning something to me
All my life they’ve been there
But never in an important way
Just there
Now all my thoughts go to him
I talk to him constantly
Never wanting the conversation to stop
Miraculously it doesn’t
Somehow we keep it going
It still astounds me that he wants to talk to me
But he keeps it up
I smile to myself constantly
This shouldn’t be happening
But I can’t remember why
Now all I do is wait for my phone to buzz
And for night to come
For his arms to surround me
And his smile to fill my vision
I don’t know how to act
With a actor

All my demons play tag in my mind
Chasing each other and fighting for dominance
They pick up each of my thoughts
Tossing them aside every which way
My lungs constrict
Pushing every inch of air away
Locking my throat
Keeping my words stuck
The only spark of hope for the calm
Thirty seconds of one’s time
Burying my tear filled eyes in her hair
Wrapping myself in her strong embrace
Letting myself sacrum to my demons
Feel their hot breath down my neck
Alongside the heat from her body
Their nails claw at me
Leaving trails of sticky hot blood
All the while her hands keep me together
Through this I hope
To gain strength that has left me
In thirty seconds

Is that what you want?
Do you want me with nothing between us?
Why is that okay but me be being honest isn’t?
How do you deserve me like that?
Worthless
*****
Trash
You’re right I am all of those things
I cry when I leave
I cry before I come
Are my tears precious to you?

I leave your side once
That’s when I meet her

Flowing hair
Brilliant smile
Concerned eyes
All of the things I never see in you

You tell me that
You don't want this
But you act like
It's nothing to you
You say it pains you
Though look how
You leave my side
Fall into new habits
While I still fall for you
Now you aren't there
To catch me
I begin to free fall
But what scares me more
Are two simple words
Just friends
To be honest
I'm terrible at it
All of it
Cutting ties
But not all
Seeing you every day
Without calling you mine
It leaves me here
Sitting where we sat
Falling back into old habits
Feeling my heart still trapped
In your arms
It hurts to say but
For your own good
I should depart,
Fully.
But I'm afraid to say
That I can't
In a few days time
You will see
That I am unable to leave
And after that
I'll wreck everything
But long after
You have gone
My heart will still
Be yours.

So now friend
I say goodbye
Though I will not leave.

On that dreaded day
You gave me chocolates
Handed me a box so plain
Thinking it wasn’t much
What you didn’t realize
Was that in
Eleven days time
It would change
A metamorphosis
Now the half eaten box
Sitting calmly on my desk
Is all of my hope
Slowly leaving
One piece at a time
Each morning
I take one piece
The wrappers now
Clutter my car
Perfectly preserved
In your old seat
Where you handed them to me
Where you told me you loved me
Where so many memories live
Now their only company
Is the shiny red wrappers
That once held my hope
The hope that was sweet
So sweet as it stuck in my throat
Just like all of those words I wrote
Addressed to you
Sitting next to that plain box
Now every sunrise
Tears bite at my eyes
While the words
Beautiful and perfect
Echo in your voice
As chocolate gets stuck in my throat

They say blue is beautiful
That green is intoxicating
But what is never said is
Brown
The addicting combination
Gold strikes from the center
Chasing the forest greens
Rustic chocolate staying calm
Black as spilled ink in the night
With flickering  lights
These lights show so much
Love radiates from them
Leading me through the dark
Dancing with laughter in firelight
Now I want to set them on fire
Like they have done to my soul
All of my being burns
Their lingering touches
Now ghosts
That chase me to midnight
Once I've pasted
My tears run after them
Streaming like all those movies we watched
Brown watching me
More than the screen
Out of the corner
Wrapping their extremities around me
Looking into my dull brown
To tell me I'm beautiful
Perfect
Now I burn alive at these words
All I see through the flames
Are the hollow shells
Of what use to be
My brown eyes

My secret desire is to leave
To walk away from it all
Find a new life
A new family
But when I go to leave
I find new people to love
Not those I live with
But the ones I chose
How am I to walk away from them?
When I find someone to lean on
Why would I leave them?
To leave those
Who make me weak
But with them there
It becomes bearable
But for how long will this last?
Wouldn't it be easier
To just pack up and leave now
They all leave anyways
Why should I care?
Because each time
I hope to have found
One that doesn't leave
That doesn't hurt me

Wake up before dawn
**** it all
Throw on clothes
Stumble to your car
Drive through the down pour
Arrive to a cement prison
Joined by another
Shed jackets and shoes
Grab frozen poles
Work too early in the rain
Put it together
You're done for the moment
In time you turn to her car
She drives
Coffee is essential
You two can't life
But you do anyways
Sitting in the warmth
On cushions you won't have later
You talk and laugh
Just like old times
New place
Different coffee
Same duet
Time to go
Back into her car
You arrive on time
Once out of the weather
You two must venture back out
Running through the puddles
Rain splattering your faces
You stop
Open the door
Walk in
She tells you to  take your pants off
You don't bat an eye
No pants now
You try on clothes
Find what you need
Put pants back on
Back into the rain
You find the buss out of place
Direct in sync
Laugh and continue on
Losing steam now
You two stop running
Walking in time
Everything is together again
Your smiles the same
Back into the warmth
Two peas in a pod
You fill in each others blanks
Knowing looks have returned
Finally you can relax
Only for a bit though
What comes next is even worse
But you both love it

My sanity flies out the open window
My courage spills out of me
To dissipate under the seats
Music my true hope
Bus' full of people who care
No one cares where you're from
No one cares of your past
All that matters is that you're there
Wake up before the dawn
Crowd on to the yellow sardine can
Find that one you want to sleep on
More hours than you care to count
Crushed spaces
With old crushes
Realizations of truths
You love them all and they love you
Hard work in the sun's heat
First time of many
You mess up completely
Even though
Applause surrounds you
And all of you feel invincible
Drama can't **** the happiness
You walk away
Find others to accept you
Three is better than one
More work but it's fun
Now watching you see things
Things that amaze
You learn so much
The heat goes out
Now you are freezing
There is a smile frozen on your face though
Smushed between great people
Watching through new eyes
You're nervous now
Going up with the other two
You stand tall and prepare
How unprepared you were
So much acceleration runs through you
Shoulder to shoulder
You place
You knew this
He accepts and you salute
Later you are ambushed
You feel such a sense of belonging
You all swarm out
Back to the buses you go
Changing in front of them all
You don't care
Neither do they
You once again find the one to sleep on

Love is like a tear
Warm and comforting at first
But leaves a shadow of itself
Resting on your cheek
It is pulled away
By an unknown force
Be it life or gravity
As it falls
You want to chase after
To bring it back to you
Back to where you believe it belongs
It is seen as a weakness
Though no other can see
How strong it makes you
After it breaks you
It leads to hard taught skills
Rough skin covering fragile veins
Dark glints in gleaming eyes
A few less words
But much more meaning
Love is an everlasting tear

What happened shouldn't have
Those things should have never left your mind
My mask fell so hard
I can’t find it now
Pain filled me
I will never trust again

What is this?
A jacket
But something so simple can mean so much
It can hold me together when i get mad
Make someone look like a lumberjack
Though how could I rely on a lumberjack?
A jacket?
I can’t
I know this
None the less
They mean so much to me
The tough exteriors
Soft insides
All in all
I believe a lumberjack saved me today