Nightmare
ghost, monsters,horror movies
don't scare me
i was fast asleep
while other kids were awake holding their teddy bears
nothing was as scary as inside my mind
where dark things live
no special effects
or off buttons to find
I cant run away
no point in burning sage
they're stuck in my head
as long as i live, they are here to stay
i've gotten so used to them, i don't wake up
they come every night
i've tried to get rid of them
but i haven't had any luck
Nightmare
  i am standing outside
  i feel the crisp air
  i hear barking,
  dogs foaming at the mouth ... running toward me
  the front door is locked
  they eat me alive, while i scream

  he has held me hostage
  he sees everything
  i try to run away but hes following me
  shout threats, starts cursing
  if i stop running i'm dead
why cant i have a good dream its not fair
Nightmare
they're not only at night
darkness follows me...covers me
without it i'm bare
its a part of me
what i'm known for
what makes people laugh
what i'm told is the real me
i try not to care
they don't know that every night
they are a part of my nightmares

You said you would be there
where are you now
its like you don't even care
you said you know whats best
your tongue is a gun
i've taken so many shots
i wish i would've had a bulletproof vest
you say u know the real me
but i've lost myself
can't remember  who i should be
you said you love me
you hold  too tight
i wanna run away from you and be free

Hi Everyone, I'm dead
Don't cry now
Where were you
When I lived in bed
No visits, texts, or calls
You were too busy
While I was alone in my room
Trying to remember to breathe while I bawl
Don't worry I'm not blaming you
Depression hit hard
I'm a coward
It was my fault too
I should  have done what was best
Stop pushing people away
Stop conforming to others wishes
Told my maybe boyfriend... yes
But its not about why or how
Stop crying,we had our chance
we blew it
I'm dead now

"Do what I say no matter the cost"
I am what they want me to be
My feelings are numb
My soul is lost
It's fine if I'm not whole
All they need is my body
My bones cry out
My skins is a sheet covering the holes
I have little energy to even breathe
I cry till my lungs have no air
I stuff my face in a pillow
My jaw aches while I clench my teeth
All the oxygen in the room leaves
Dark thoughts swarm my head
Depression holds me while I heave
I could just die
I feel worthless, I am nothing
I watch as everyone leaves
I don't know how long I can do this
Got to get away
Its not like I'll be missed
No one around me cares
I'm a breathing corpse
I guess its true
Life's not fair

sometimes i dont eat
the longest i've gone
is three weeks
i lay in bed ,my stomach in knots
cant stand up too quickly
dont wanna see spots
my body failed me again
bile came, hunger left
i cant quite remember when
water is my only friend
it soothes the hurt
acid reflux temporarily ends
water runs down my throat
when i move, it sloshes in my belly
sound like waves against a boat  
heartburn comes at night
my body and brain are at war
im kept awake while they fight
headaches come back
it hurts to open my eyes
i know its from the calories i lack
when i can handle a taste other then bile
i eat and eat , i'm called a pork chop
i know its a joke so i hide the pain with a smile
if only they knew
how i hate my body
and the pants sizes i blew
but its something i keep to myself
no need to bother someone else
its not like am a fragile doll on a shelf
....or am I ?

I want to move on , but you
Always text something sweet
Just when I'm about to
Remember, you became distant
You made me feel
Like you didn't even care about my existence
I get it, I hurt you
But don't you see?
I was hurt too
Your ghost still haunts me
It follows me in my dreams
Why cant you let me be
I wake up thinking things changed
Then everything hits hard
Like I'm a target in a gun range
I'm bleeding , but no one can see
I'm crying , but no one is there
I'm screaming, but no one hears me

Cant you see I need to move on ?
No more mixed messages or imaginary future
I can look upon
Stop following me in my dreams
Giving me false hope
Leave me alone, let me be
I have to keep you on red
Because if I don't  
I wont be able to get out of bed
I needed you , but you weren't there
Now I'm just skin and bones
Gutted , left bare
One day when I'll look back
I'll just see when I gained
Not what I lacked
But for  now I need to move on
I changed your name
My midnight snacc is gone

My happiness  is an illusion
Even if I stand in a crowd
I feel like I'm alone... in seclusion
The demons in my head
keep yelling and chanting
I want to crawl into bed
My life is an illusion
I am what everyone want me to be
I live in their delusion
I learned not to fight it
I put on my happy mask
Remind myself its just for a little bit
I have reached a conclusion
I am not the author of my story
I am just the main character
Having control is an illusion

We ask people that everyday
How have you been ?
I never know what to say
Should I say how I'm actually feeling
I don't think you're prepared
For what I'm concealing
When I say I'm fine I'm not
When I say I had a good week
I'm not mentioning all the demons I fought
Sometimes I admit I'm struggling
People tell me choose joy! Live with less stress
You have to much your juggling
I almost start to cry
They don't get it
Its not that easy, I try
But its as if my joy is on the other side
of the window i can't quite open
I scratch, hit, and pull but it wont slide
All I feel is the ice cold from the glass
I just needed you to listen
Don't try to blow smoke up my ***
If I'm less busy i have more time
For my mind to wonder
For me to fall in a dark hole, I cant climb
I guess the only way for this to be fixed
Is to say I'm good
and lie through my lips
How are you?
I'm fine.

Will there be a day
I don't let you down
Will there be a day
I'll want to be just friends
Will there be a day
I wont cry when I think of you
Will there be a day
I feel wanted when I'm with you
Will there be a day
I can look at you and not want to kiss you
Will there be a day
You love me as much as I love you

I give up
Your not even trying
My heart can't take it anymore
I cant keep this up
I have had enough
I can only be your friend
Nothing more
That will have to be enough
It'll be hard to let you go
But I need to stop crying
I have to restore my heart
My feelings for you have to go
I'm sorry we did this
It was good while it lasted
Our summer fling
I never wanted it to end like this
But that's what happened
I cant change that
You cant either
Maybe this had to happen
For us to get out of our daze
Find something else to talk about
Not just flirting and dreaming of our future, be realistic
We were just imagining  " better days"
I'm waving a white flag in the air
I need to recover, find myself
I need to love myself
But to do that I need some air
I don't want this to be goodbye
We are still friends
I'll miss my midnight snacc
The one who wont have said goodbye

Who am I? I'm confused
I feel like a tool
They use and abuse
I never do anything good enough
I'm a disappointment
I didn't know living with me is so rough
Maybe I should leave
Be a burden to someone else
While you pretend to grieve
It looks good...right?
Make you look holy
Like you never started a fight
You were my best and worst friend
I'm done with you and ranting
This is the end

I wanna kiss you
but when I do this time I wanna kiss you deep
I wanna kiss you till we are lost in each other
I wanna kiss you
so I can taste your lips again
I wanna kiss you till we forget our demons
I wanna kiss you
while I run my finger through your hair
I wanna kiss till the hurt is gone
I wanna kiss you  
and feel the warmth of your skin
I wanna kiss you till we believe its just us in this ****** up world
I wanna kiss you  
all over your body
I wanna kiss you till you forgive me
I wanna kiss you
while we bare our stretch marks and battle scars   
I wanna kiss you till you feel valued
I wanna kiss you
So you know your worth it
I wanna kiss you till you feel loved
because everyone deserves love

But if I cant have any of these things
I just wanna kiss you one last time
I wanna kiss you till I can stop crying
I wanna kiss you
so u know my love was true
I wanna kiss you till there are no grudges left behind
I wanna kiss you
until our tears dry
I wanna kiss you goodbye

If you came here for happy poems
Then u came to the wrong place
I cant pretend I'm happy
Smile and lie to your face
If you wanted to be lifted up
Move along i cant help you
I'm corrupted
If you came here for some self help
I don't have enough help to even help myself
If you came for a love story
You missed the mark
I cant find love
I guess I'm too dark
If you were seeking hope
That word is a unwelcome as a cuss word
I have to wash my mouth with soap
If you come with loneliness or pain in your heart
Dear friend read my poems and I'll read yours ,thats a start
If you come broken and bruised
Message me so i can share the burden
We can swap stories, feel less abused
If you message me
I'll cry with you , I'll comfort you
But don't think I will be inspirational or filled with hope
I will bring my true self
Together we will figure out how to cope

And another one leaves me
I cant keep anyone
Only those forced to be
Around me
One and two,three then four
One by one they leave me
I run after them but they slam the door

I get more damaged everyday
Now I know why others don't come
Leave everyone, stay away
I'm not worth it
If I could leave myself I would
I would stop being broken if I could
But I can't ....okay
I destroy things
I'm like a tornado...stay out of my way
Leave me before I hurt you
Leave me before I ruin you

I am broken
I cant be who you deserve
Its a fact I cant leave unspoken
I never wanted to be away from you
You were my escape, you reminded me the sky is still blue
I loved you
Or did I ? .... I feel like I used you
You were the temporary cure to my mental illness
I wouldn't spiral when I was with you
I wanted to make sure you would stay
So I gave you what I  thought you wanted ...... a kiss
To make sure we would be okay
That kiss ruined everything
I didn't realize you got attached
I'm not allowed to date, that's the thing
I tried to fix it
Make it not a big deal
But it was too late, I already hurt you
You wanted to be more
I'm such a fool, I had no clue
You'll never understand how much I wanted that too
I needed you
The rule is : I cant date cause I might get hurt , which in-turn hurt you and that hurt me
Its funny the thing that was supposed to prevent heartache, caused it
My pillow case was soaked more then the sea
Maybe if I ...?
I should have...?
I could have...?
My mind starts to spiral ,but your not here this time
I'm sinking deep in a hole
I know I cant climb
I stay up late thinking of you
My life will never be the same
You were my first love, kiss and heartache
I'm sorry we played this game
I'm sorry
My Midnight Snacc

Depression is my soulmate
He fell in love with me
He couldn't wait
Depression lays in bed with me at night
Follows me in my dreams
Holds me back from the light
He wants me all to himself
He whispers sweet nothings in my ear
Convincing me I can't survive by myself
I try to get away
but he holds so tight
He says I  have to stay
He pulls me close, slow dances with me
When I'm with him , he recites every bad memory of the day
I start to believe this is all my life will be
I want to think it isn't true
but is it?
it might be?
I have no clue
Depression doesn't like when I have a friend
He gets jealous of happiness
He makes a big fuss and that's usually the end
When they leave,  he reminds me that hes here to stay
I lay in bed crying
He comes in, holds me till I'm okay
I know I should get away, find help
But not even my mother believes me ... whelp
Depression meet my parents without my knowing
He made them think when I'm free from him ,the real me isn't showing
I guess hes my better half
The side of me that makes them laugh
But I can't get away, its too late
I lost the key to freedom's gate
Apparently this is my fate
Depression is my soulmate

Fear is a terrible friend
It stays by your side
There's never an end
You want to scream ,but your mouth is dry
Fear is a terrible friend
You want to believe you can live without it
But you lost the ability to defend
Fear is a terrible friend
You lose yourself to it
You don't have the strength to live without it
Fear is a terrible friend
It's a battle some of us face alone
When you say it out loud, most people cant comprehend
Fear is like a dog with a bone
It wants you buried and alone
Fear is a terrible friend