I Could Have Been

I could have been—
I could have been your girl.
And not just any girl—
your girl.

The one you come home to,
the one you hold tight.
You wouldn’t have to fight
battles that weren’t yours to beat,
or carry secrets
you were never meant to keep.

I could have been happy—
happy with you.

If only
you could have
loved me
too.

Untie me from your thoughts —
acting loose from your love;
  not what I should’ve known.
Knot-tongued,
  unable to say what I’m really feeling
    inside the chambers of my heart.
Dumpling cheekbones
  feeding off your smile —
    it's a soft scene.
But all of our best actions
  still aren’t worth a movie screen.
And aren’t we looking
  a little too scripted
    in front of our peers?
You —
  my original promissory note.
Please take note
  of every step you take in my mind,
    scribbling down your movements
      like wandering footnotes.
____________

There’s also the shaking trial of courtship —
  in the jaws of both judges.
You say what you want —
  and it turns out to be
    exactly what I don’t.
You try to live in my thoughts,
  but I’m still renting that house.
No roots, no keys —
  just memories on a month-to-month lease.
____________

To say every man is just, "a dog" —
  their barking mingles on,
chasing their own tails,
  returning to the ones who wronged them
    as if they were wrong.
But the dog’s got a bone to pick,
  and it contests every bone.
____________

Truth is —
this, like our love,
  was never meant
    to be a love poem.

Tick Tick; goes my heart in the line of a drumbeat
whereas I stray away from long hugs – it’s an awkward heat
A stray dog shows love to any hand that helps them eat,
so sure — call me a treat when you say so I’m sweet...
Just don’t toss me out on the street; or throw my heart over
the waters of selling me a dream – just to make it skip a beat.

Hiss, hiss; is how even the sweetest of kisses can go –
giving a lover a part of my soul – stepping out with my love;
Being so much like their sole. Meets and greets; those events
and your people – but if I see they’re not good for your soul,
Don’t expect me to tolerate them at all. Those are the snakes
waiting to bite you, and their venom will poison us both.

Click, click; are usually those friendships that won’t last –
blind mice, never calling you out; for the good times to last
Friendships made for the hype, the interest of camera smiles,
but never a picture of genuine trust. Your attention to their
problems is a must, but paying attention to your problems
is too expensive – and that just cheapens love, and I doubt
they would have a problem not showing any value for us -
And in their many smiles, is a smile of joy that we didn't last.

But then again, I’m not in love – but if I was,
I guess these sorts of guidelines should be a must for us.
To make a love that holds onto loyalty, truth, and mutual trust.

He need not bring us luxuries,
As he never failed to fulfill our needs even without asking;
He need not be taking us on holiday,
As the quality time he spends with us is more than enough;
He may not take us to restaurants often,
As his handmade dosas never fail to taste delicious;
He may not be fashionable and trendy,
As he never judged our fashion sense;
He need not give us valuables,
As he gave us enough value education;
He may not be by our side always,
As he taught us well to stand on our own feet and to face the society;
He may not hold power in the community,
As he earned immense respect with his kindness and ethics;
He may not teach us how to make money;
As he never forgot to teach us how to save it;
He may not work in a reputed organization,
As all he care about is his family and not money or his career growth;
He may not be expressive,
As we can witness it in his actions;

He may not be anything as he is everything for us!!
And admiring his contribution may take my whole life.

I may never express to him how much I admire him, care for him and love him;
But one fine day, I will convey him how much his happiness means to me through my success.

What of a love unspoken?
A mutual feeling, both parties are too scared to name?
Can it live without a title?
Or will it cause pain if claimed?

What is a love unspoken?
Deep conversations in the dead of night,
The moonlight revealing the man under the bravado.

Something with slight glances,
And smiles,
His words are truth,
A reflection of him,

The best of him,
And his love,
Unspoken,

Where in this moment,
Love is enough for him to give,
And nothing even matters outside the world that we’ve created.

What of our love unspoken?
Are all your actions intentional to keep this sacred thing going?

Can it continue to bloom in secrecy when the world attempts to spoil it?

What of our love unspoken?

Will a title to this unknown love halt the growth of something beautiful?

Will it die as heartbreak, and named?

Left to the wind to rot in silence,
As we pretend that nothing happened with halfhearted, unimpressed glances?

What of this love unspoken?
Untitled but noticed
Simple yet wonderful
And to my knowledge
Final

I know that love is complicated,
But my heart speaks with honesty on this bond formed in secrecy,
It's truth when I say our hearts were destined one day to be,

What of a love unspoken?

Each time that I look in your eyes,
A part of me quietly dies.

But I'd give even more,
For the love I adore—
You're my heart in a perfect disguise.

When you were my Yes;
In a world full of Nos
You were the only calm I knew
Before I knew how it felt to lose,
You were the open sunny skies
Before I knew the cold winter
The way we stitched stars to our dreams…
And the way you didn’t have to ask my heart
I just recognized it on my own!
Our love was so loud..
Wild and fierce and untamed..
but It could not get louder than the voices…
the voices I was raised to obey..
and voices built cages to tame its flame
which is why the fire dimmed….
And even when I walked away
It broke me in pieces where noone could see!
And ever since I have worn silence;
I have worn silence like second skin
But you have lived in every quiet that I entered
Memories of you crawl to me
They find me in my every breath
They find me in my shadow
and just like that
I carry you like my breath
which I dont know to exhale-
I am just an endless tide pulled trembling to your hidden shore.

I wrote thousands of arcs in my mind about how we would meet and fall for each other. Yet none of them came true. Maybe I should have wished for one of those arcs from the treasure trove in my mind to come true—when that comet passed by earlier.

Sometimes I want to hate you—
for breaking our family.
No, we didn’t have children,
but we had Skye.
And in my heart,
we were our own little world.

Sometimes I want to hate you—
for the heartbreak that lingers,
for tossing me aside
like I was nothing,
like we were nothing.
But I can’t.

No matter how hard I try—
to hate you,
to dull the ache—
I can’t.
Because I love you.

And I know your reasons
weren’t about us.
You thought you had to push me away
to do what you believed was right.

But I hate that you couldn’t lean on me,
that you carried it all alone.
You took on burdens
that weren’t yours to bear,
and still—
I admire you for it.

I hate that you put us on hold.
I hate how you’re slowly erasing me.
The days are bearable,
but the nights?
The nights are endless.

I wake up expecting to find you,
to see a message saying you miss me.
But I don’t.
And I hate that
it’s always me reaching out first.

I hate that you chose for us,
without trying to find another way.
I hate that I still feel you
in the empty spaces.
I hate that I pray—
every single day—
for you to come back,
to say you were wrong.

I hate this fragile hope that won’t die,
the belief that somehow
we’ll be better—
that love will make us stronger.

But most of all,
I hate that I’m alone in this hope.
I hate the masks I wear,
the smiles that lie to the world.
I hate how much I miss you.

I hate that I don’t know
how to be near you
without wanting to hug you,
kiss you,
hold your hand.

I hate that I fear so much—
the thought of you
being gone for good.

And I hate
that no matter how much I wish I didn’t—
I still love you.