I look past my reflection in the mirror;
whale-sized thighs, and
arms too big for the oceans
rain pours down like sharp daggers
into my flesh, and I’m tired
teeth hurt, and I’m tired
heart pounding, and I’m tired
my mermaid waves leave my head like
an old porcelain doll, dying
and I’m tired
I teach my body how to stop needing,
in with the calories, and I’m tired
out with the calories, and I’m really tired
silent screams echo at the fake reflection
that stares blindly through the broken
mirrors
**** me up, I’m seeing stars tonight
bones aching, and I’m smiling
bullets to the head, and I’m smiling
painstakingly dancing through the night
till I’m void of nothing,
they say empty is beautiful, and I want
so dearly to feel beautiful
calories scattered on the floor, like the
those scattered thoughts of everything
I used to be
and everything I am now
scatterbrain, tell me how you feel
when your insides are void of
self-love
you eat hatred for breakfast
and spit self-pity into your toilet
tell me again, silly girl,
do you feel beautiful now?

I wholeheartedly wish you good luck in endeavors I'd rather you wouldn't attempt. I'm absolutely oozing with selfless insensitivity.

bone against skin
jutting out, thin --
i want a gaunt glow
where my cheekbones show
without contour

if running from my issues
keeps me trim,
and tiny meals
make me slim
i’ll keep grinding until
my hip bones pop --
and when i’m dead is when i’ll stop

My heart is paper thin;
As you tell me
                      you
                         love
                             me..

Do you mean it?

Or are you just telling me pretty
                                                      lie­s?
As you look me in the eyes...

Do you really care?

      Man;
           Im
             So
               *******
                  *Scared....

my friends scoffed at me when i complained about how my weight never gained
it seemed ever-changing
I wasn't trying to brag that i was the skinniest in the room
i was just saying
that I didn't know what it meant because the day before my weight was at a 104 and now it's at a 94 and is that even possible
i stopped eating 1-2 meals a day
and we claimed it on my small stomach but i couldn't figure out how my friends knew that my stomach was small
because i sure didn't
when i said that i hadn't breakfast or lunch yet what i meant was i haven't gotten help yet
people thought they knew how to fix me and so they glued me to my seat and forced me to eat three spoons of potato salad and i shamed myself for a week
I told myself i was weak
i later found out my eating was no longer a choice
or rather, my lack of eating,
because some days i just gave up and took a brownie because I wanted to so badly or maybe I took seven and later that night, things weren't alright because I couldn't go one hour without hiding in the bathroom
because i physically could not, no matter how hard i tried, the dragon named food, was untamable, it would not stay down in the deep cavern of my stomach and my throat began to burn from its fire, every hour when i was woken up from sleep
the dragon suddenly wasn't my only fear
because I really wanted to make those cookies with you or go to the grocery store without having a panic attack
the vending machine became my venting machine
people surround me with the food i can't eat and although I can't eat ribs
i can certainly see my ribs
and my wrist bones
and my hip bones, they feel like glass shards at war with my skin
and my vertebrae and i get it that people are skinnier than me but that doesn't make it okay because i feel like i'm a living x ray
maybe the next day I can eat all three meals because i haven't for four days
and yes sometimes I do feel fat and no i'm not going to finish that
and i cried when my parents said I couldn't have a donut and when my new doctor said i should do a healthier diet she said i should try it and I wanted to so badly but if you look closely in the word diet there's also the word die and it's hard to go on a diet when your whole life is already a plan of when I can
can i eat
but my only constant friend understands and sometimes i'm so scared and I have to hold his hands or rather his handles his name is bucket and he lives at the foot of my bed
and this is a poem is telling you it's not my choice
my food isn't the only thing i can't keep down its also my voice
please stop assuming that the skinny girl wants to be skinny or that she just "forgot" to have her dinner because she must have a terrible memory if she does it every night
it's a really hard fight
but lately things have been going alright
the dragon seems a little less fiery
and i guess it can inspire me
to tell you that just being thin isn't an automatic win

Tiny, small, sad, and meek
I haven’t eaten in a week
Afraid I’ll gain another pound
Why can’t I just ******* drown?
Fat, fat, fat is all I see
This is the 5th time today that I can’t ******* breathe
Can’t stand to gain more weight
For I’m already too heavy at one hundred and eight.

I have grown thin,
      I have grown old,
         and
                   I have grown out of love.

I'm not good enough
    But you made me start to believe I was.
I'm not thin enough
    But you gave me the strength to eat again.

I love you
    But you didn't love me enough to stay away from her.
I wish I was at your house
    But you hardly said that to me.

I want to marry you*
    But you told her you wanted to **** her.

You left me here to rot
From my insides to the outside.
My lungs are growing thin,
Decaying with every cigarette
I now smoke
Alone.
Two AM,
You came to me with tired eyes
To pick up the broken pieces he left you with
After he made love to another girl.
It is now 3 AM
And the blood is on my hands
And you turn your back against me.

If love can later turn into hate
Then the truth can later turn into lies.
*"There's a thin line between love and hate,
And a thin line between the truth and the lies."