Are you're doing it in a healthy way?
Are you watching what you eat?

Yeah.. That's why I didn't have a bun with dinner.

What I didn't tell her is that watching what I eat means
watching what i would normally eat sit on the shelf
watching what i would normally eat go to others
watching what i would normally eat shrink off my body

She says I've gotten smaller
My coworkers say I've gotten smaller

I don't see it

When someone asks if I've eaten I just avoid the topic or say I've had enough

If someone is concerned I laugh and say "I'm back on my anorexic *******"

Dear Amy

The sun is smiling at you
The beach calls you
Why are you hiding ?!
You're so beautiful, put on your bikini now and go show off your body.
Are not you shaved?
Your hair on the body is not sin, it was God who put it there.
Show the skin, show the veins show your face.

Dear Amy

Your face is so beautiful your skin and so lush, but remember what I told you?
You're more than that.
Your beauty will pass by one day your lush skin will have wrinkles.
But your mind and your brain will  have knowledge forever.

Dear Amy

I like your legs I like your body, I like to see you in every way.
You do not need them to find you ****.
Put that lingerie on you and show me those stretch marks.

Look in the mirror and say:

Damm! My stretch marks make me a mermaid.
My weight makes me happy and  I was not made to follow standards.

Beauty standards  weaken me
And I'm a woman
I'm not weak.

I was born strong and no one is going to take that away from me.

I was not born to please those who do not care about me.
I am confident and I make of my scars experiences.
You need to hear this truth.
You do not owe anyone your body.
You do not owe anyone your sanity.
And even if you change, you will never please everyone.
The only  person who has to be  pleased is me.
Today wash your face and leave the makeup, show the freckles, let the skin breathe.
But tomorrow if you want to put your lipstick red and slay.
Do not let them steal your freedom.
You are a butterfly.
 Free yourself
And fly.

Dear Amy

Stop selling your brain girl.
Stop selling your sanity.
They do not deserve the prominence you give them.
Remember that you have fire inside.

Seek  for yourself   in the midst of your imperfections, date with your insecurities.

You need them  to feel alive.
Do not give them the pleasure of controlling your brain.
You are selling your feelings to leeches.
Nobody is perfect.
Accept this .
They do not want to know what you feel.
They want to rob you of the right to speak.
Take the shine you have inside you
And let it flow.

Oy.

Swinging from a fraying rope
Clasping on to lies you think I'm desperate enough to believe
Pathetically gripping words though I can clearly see fibers stretch and break from tension of reality
The weight of awareness too heavy for your false promises to bear

away from the touch of salted caramel
my bones cut deep into the flesh of today
like all other tissue beneath the skin
is undressed from the whole
melting,
finding the only way
home
to you
vapor-cumulus-rain-skin
keeping my promise
to reach you again

Reach out like the branches of a tree reaching towards the sky
Towards the heavens … Towards the light
Feel the stroke of the sun on your face
Stretch as far as you can … Reach for the farthest star
For when you retrieve you will descend to where you’re meant to be

things that grow
also shrink
everything rewinds
bigger then smaller
things that stretch and lengthen into a thin wire
also coil back into a ball
things that twist upward
deplete and sag and turn grey
things that are taught and dense
end up loosening
when most things fall
they also bounce up
at least a little bit
its not good or bad
its just true

In the stretch of time,      I sow my seeds so
I may leave my life     like light leaves the sun.