Today I saw a man
Deleting photos of himself and a woman
From his phone
He was a very large man
Strong, it was clear
But his fingers shook.

My body shakes;
I can't breathe.
I'm drowning once again...

shaking hands
clutch them tight
don't let your eyes
show the fright

stand still
don't be seen
clench your jaw
contain the screams

flickering eyes
shallow breaths
try to blend in
look like the rest

i give up
i'm letting it out
don't run away
listen to my shouts

i'm telling the truth
the world is my jail
there's no time to live
only to fail

so i'm done trying
to walk this rope
until the world figures out
there's no hope

The weight,
The strength.

It pushes down, crushing my inside.
I struggle to breath,
every breath 100 pounds are added to my chest.

Pressure builds up,
Dizziness begins,
Anxiety sky rockets.

The room is spinning,
Why is the room spinning?

My legs are shaking, I'm destroying my lip
Why can't I sit still?

Whoa, my head feels funny.
Why did that start?

I'm uncomfortable, I'm shaking.
Does anyone notice? God, I hope not.

The pressure, more intense.
Nausea increases,
My insides twist and turn.

I clench my fists,
Am I angry?
What's going on?

I'm tired...
I feel my heavy eyelids start to pull down.
I close my eyes,

but the room,
it spins faster than before.
My thoughts, my actions, myself...

It repeats
**I am never at peace

Tears running down my face,
my worst fear
has come to life.

Terrified...
Shaking...
Too many thoughts...
Please...
Help me...

I don't want to face him;
my Violator,
my Terrorizer,
my own personal Nightmare.

Please...
Don't make me go...
I don't want to..
Wake me up...

I can't go up.
I can't.
Don't want to.
Don't make me.
I'm like a little girl;
I am a little girl.
Please don't make me.

Please...
I can't breathe...
Wake me up...
*Please

I'm terrified of you. I'm terrified of the way you creep into my mind when I'm sad, thinking of you holding me while I cry my eyes out for no apparent reason. I tremble in fear at the memory of your body tangled in mine, doing what I just realized can be often called "making love". I cower at the concept of potentially falling into something that can only be that ridiculous four letter word I refuse to say or acknowledge the existence of. I don't know if this feeling will last. If it's real or just a fling. I don't know if you think about me as much as I think about you, but a good guess is probably not. I don't know why it has to be you when I know you're sought after by every woman who lays eyes on you, because you have this effect on me and everyone else. All I know is I feel like I'm finally myself when I'm with you. Like I don't have to hold back or dumb myself down to keep from sounding farfetched and ridiculous. I know I really like lying in your bed after we do the *** thing and listening to music, fighting over control of the music because both of us just wants to share as much as possible with the other. I know you make me feel vulnerable, like you can see right ******* through me, right past the facade and tricks that have worked on every man and woman before you, and that will work on every man and woman after you. I am so unbelievably scared to death of you and these feelings. But all I can do is hope to every god and divine being that these feelings stop. Why won't they ******* stop? I already know I could write a thousand poems about you. But I hope this is the first and the last. There is no happy ending or moral to this one. Just a jumbled up mess of emotions, mainly fear. That always seem to leave me shaking.

He held a shaking gun towards me
And I laughed maniacally
Silly lover, don't you see?
You have already burned holes within me, Done much more damage internally
Than that silly gun could ever do

I don't know how long these feelings will last.
But for some reason I seem to treasure it.
So so much.
I write for it and about it.


Hoping that when the time comes
I'll remember you as a person
Who made me feel storms
While my shirt is dripping with sweat.


I don't want to just forget you.
Make me scarred and shaking and vulnerable
From grief or love or whatever it is you can give
But, please, make me remember.