the brevity of a singular breath,
one that is full of peace,
such a rare glimpse but
if you look at his face, at the right time,
you might just see him smile.

then, much like an old spruce cello,
descending in suspense,
that smile  -evaporates-, and the
quick "bliss" is no more.

oh how old and wise is this cello i play,
if only it was genuinely surprised by the
intensity of such
-hair raising horror-
it faces in its composure, daily.

"but it simply ain't",
as Bukowski would drunkenly say,
and his quivering cigarette would rightfully echo
through the halls of this unholy Cathedral.  

"put me the **** down already, Charles", it echoes.

"no,
i refuse
to let go of my
identity...

...why would i let go of all

-i feel-

is left?"

he (i) is either a man,
or on the road to understanding
what this even means really...

...maybe he's halfway there...

regardless, he now understands,
he must accept
"reasons" to smile won't come often,
and one is subject to the tug of war of life,
of society,
of women,
of his children,
of his forgetful mother,
of his vices,
his hair raising horrors,
the torment,
of his absent father.

to continue is to face those suspenseful

-crescendos-

of life, with
"a ******* smile on your face",
as Bukowski would say,

no matter
-what-
he's been through, or
-how-
-deeply-
he
-feels-

...

-melancholicreator

Minute by minute
Hour by hour
Day by day
That’s how it starts

You’re eyes smile scent fade
As the months come and go so does you’re memory
Places that once held pieces of you and me
History has rewritten for a brighter more promising future

Forgive and forget becomes the next step

Forgetting you was easy- you were never really all there… you couldn’t decide right?

Bread crumb after bread crumb filled with false hopes you fed me for 3 long weeks.
I kept trying to get off the rollercoaster - you wouldn’t let me.
Selfishly you kept me tossing and turning in your storm
Leaving me open to the anxiety doubt and insecurities

The culprit in the end-  “****** chemistry”
Seeing me wasn’t your priority yet wouldn’t we need to see each to gage the chemistry???
What do I know I am the naive ****** after all.

You chose to gaslight my innocence rather than acknowledge your lack of  thoughtfulness , actions,  and confidence.  

What if I was just not attractive enough for you …? Maybe I did something wrong ?

You were still a boy in a man’s body
A coward scared of your own shadow
Wanting to keep me in your orbit but never close enough to be yours.

What if I had done more ? Would that have made you claim me as yours?

Darling you thought dulling my shine
Keeping me small would make me need you.
Would make me want you more ….
You didn’t expect me too refuse to bend or break for you.

Mending, healing, rebuilding ME
I found my way to forgiveness- it hasn’t been easy
Yet forgiving you I have

With every passing season
The version of me after you
Is rooted back on solid ground
I am enough !
Breathing more steady
Everything is okay …
Smiling again wider than before
I am worthy of unfailing love
Laughing deep belly laughs
That echo louder than ever within my soul
I am not anyone’s second choice
Love for life, the simple things , and peace flows through my veins like sunshine.
Life is beautiful and you were never the source of that beauty or joy.

You did not break me
You awakened me
Reminding me that I deserve better
Because I am better
You were never good enough
Thanks for the rude awakening

Here I stand.
And though I land
With a thump and thud,
Little whispers
Fill me with love.

And these little voices,
Replicate mine.
As love of others
Was difficult to find.

Yet I do not mind,
No not at all.
For love of oneself,

Is better
Then none at all.

It takes so much self-awareness, inner strength, and confidence
to recognize, accept, and embrace your insecurities.

And when you finally do,
fear and self-hate have nothing on you;
it paves the path toward self-love
and personal growth without the fear of others judging.

I gather up all the tiny shards,
pieces of my broken heart.
And hold them oh so carefully,
so they don't further fall apart.
I wrap them so very tightly,
in what I think is love.
And I whisper to them so no one hears,

"I promise that you're enough."

In the silence of my being,
I find my peace.
Like butterflies, free and light,
my soul flies far and wide.

The peace within me, so tender and beautiful,
like the wings of a butterfly in the sunshine.
My heart beats gently, in harmony with the world,
my own peace that rests and illuminates within me.

Dearest me,
You love sunrises like you love sighs
and old boots and books,
how the snow reminds you of old friends,
like comforters,
like sad days that at least weren’t alone.

You love to breathe, to cradle your own memories.
Dearest me,

I know you loved hard,
so tried and true,
hard shells for each bruise.

I did not pat your head when you cried,
dearest, I’m sorry.
I’m here for you now.

In shadows deep, where sorrows bloom,
A heartache lingers, a soul's dark tomb.
He asked me why I don't love myself,
Said, "I am tired of life, everyday."

A melancholy melody in the night,
Echoing woes, wrapped in pale moonlight.
His eyes, windows to a desolate sea,
Lost in the abyss of his own decree.

The world, a weight upon his soul,
Every step, an agonizing toll.
He questioned why self-love would stay,
In life's relentless, bleak ballet.

I spoke of dreams, like shattered glass,
Of moments gone, too fleet to grasp.
In the tapestry of time, threads fray,
A tired soul, in shadows, does sway.

Yet, in the weariness of his plea,
A symphony of sorrow, hauntingly free.
For love, a mirage in the distant mist,
A fragile hope, by pain kissed.

I painted verses in never ending rhymes,
Of beauty lost in the passage of time.
In nature's embrace, a mournful song,
Where the echoes of joy had grown strong.

"Embrace the self," I whispered, so frail,
In the silence, where heartbeats pale.
Life's weariness, an unending maze,
A tragic ballet, through sorrow's haze.

The soul whispers, the night descends,
A requiem for love, as darkness transcends.
He asked why I don't love myself,
I answered, "Dear friend, in sadness, delve."