I'm trying to get better at sitting with my self
(we’re in this 'til the end, after all).

I'm trying to listen and not judge,
to ask her (kindly) where those thoughts came from.
Whose judgments are being repeated.

It's not that it's a comfortable journey.
She hurls words in poisoned darts,
with wild eyes of blistering flame,
so sure of my faults that
I believe her more than I've believed anything
in our whole life.  

But I know what it's like to be in her body.
So lately I've asked her to sit next to me, quietly,
just for a moment,
just for a pause.

I think it's working.

She's taken to sitting beside me more often these days,
arms wrapped around hunched knees.
She speaks gentler here,
tells me I am scared we are not enough.
But she lets me place a hand on her shoulder,
and remind her: We always have been.

We breathe slowly as we soundlessly observe
the cosmic traffic of shooting neurons.
Of clusters of clusters of memories
and half-said things.

And I'm finding that, after all this time,
I am sitting well with myself.

Eat at home
Drink at home
Work from home
Love at home
Read at home
Nourish our home
Alone at home
Together at home
Make peace at home
Grow beans at home
Educate from home
Sit and cry
Grow patience
from home at home

And so, she chose to reveal her heart.
Tore her ribcage door open,
and flinched as she waited for
the rays to spill and burn her up.

Instead, she was stunned to find
that the sun warmed even the darkest corners.
That the dappled glow kissed every sinew,
and she was filled instead with the light.

Free to Love
Where do I to start, in March 2019 I started a journey.
I wanted to be open to what life had to offer.
I wanted to be healthy.
But the biggest change I wanted to make was to be authentic.
I wanted to speak my truth I wanted to be known for myself.
Not as a wife, mother, teacher, counselor all around fix it women.
Although I am those things I’m so much more.

I’ve spent so much time trying to be what everyone needed,
I’d lost myself.
So, I set out to find me……I never expected to find love.
I’ve found true love the kind that won’t break your heart.
The kind that is not dependent others,
I’ve   learned   to   love   myself.
I have spent my life tapping that feeling down, fearing it was unattainable, unsustainable, unrealistic, unreasonable and disappointing.

I learned at a young age love is painful.
So, to avoid pain I closed and locked that door.
The only love I embraced was the love for my children.
Falling in love with me has opened a whole new world.
I feel as if I’ve been set free.
Free to write, to be brave, to be emotional, to be spiritual, to explore. Free to experience the world.  Free to embrace my wild.

But the freedom I hold closest to my heart is the freedom to love.
Not just myself, but others.
For the first time I’m truly open to love.
That wild, amazing, magical, wonderous, awe inspiring, feeling of love.
I can honestly look at myself and say well done.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

see what you must





then take the steps to go where you should

I hate who I am

And I never want to get to the point
where I leave you


because I leave me.

I've only lived so many years

Only lived in so many places

Have only met so many people
And have only experienced so many things

But I've lived more than one life through every connection


Lived in all of the places they have been

Felt every feeling one feels with their loved ones








And have seen time as they have seen
it

unwind

And though it may seem impossible



through their eyes I see me

the world



in their reflection