People will tell you,
its works this way
But always remember,
they will tell you what they want you to believe
They're scared,
because inside you there is a power
so amazing, so lovable, so mad, so brilliant
that it can lead you to
Infinite .

How silly of me
to think you were concerned
for my wellbeing.
I am trying to keep
myself safe
so that I can keep
those I love safe,
and all you can say is
"you worry a bit too much".

I’m in a limbo. A state of equivocality. Everything hangs in the air, but I try to chart my daily course as I normally do. Times are tough. Uncertain, too. Notwithstanding, I’ve taken more than I can chew.

I’m in too deep. I’m in a dark place.

You see, I was the golden child. A beacon of light. Envy was nothing new to me. I rarely espoused it, but was the oft object of it. Little Miss Perfect – always so put together. Always has her things together. I have Midas Touch, they say. I’m on a plane higher than my peers – on a dais atop the average twenty-two year-old. I can do no wrong. Only upwards from here.

So they say.

So I thought.

Today, my days bleed into one another. Sunday? Monday? What difference does a name make? I run on two hours of sleep and three thirty-minute naps a day. I don’t wake up to my 5 AM alarm. Nor sleep through it. It throttles to life as I hurriedly read tomorrow’s later’s assigned readings. I might get some sleep in. I rarely do. Finish your readings. Finish your work. Finish your classes. Eat in between.

Objectively, I’m in a good place. Roof over my head. Food on my plate. More importantly, safe. No 40-degree thermometers and sputum litter around. This makes me feel worse. Ungrateful *****. Little Miss Drama Queen. A million would **** to be in your shoes.

I’m in a limbo – my brain encased in a cloud of humdrum trepidation. Filled to the brim with silent thumps of dread. Thump. Thump. Thump. It’s not as if I did not try to do better to feel better. I do – I always do. My lists abound. #SelfCare’s always on top. Thump. Thump. Thump. They do little to quell my panic room of a mind.

Sometimes I wonder if this is how watercolor pigments feel. They are always so vivacious off of the manufacturing press. The reds are constantly vibrant and the blues are consistently resonant. But they fade when water comes into contact – even meshing into an ugly grey on the canvas when they touch the other diluted hues.

I’m in a limbo – no sense of past, present, and future. Everyday is a low frequency static hissing at my ears. Wonder child soddened by the somber. I’d build a rocket, they say. I’d own the world, they say.

All I am is tired nowadays.

the best teacher is your experience
we cannot nurture others from a dry spell
selfcare is not selfish
she wept because she was an empath
a sponge that always felt the need to heal
than she started to walk the road lonely
always left dry
so she built walls and mountains
and in order to be in
you needed to be it
she always knew
from the smile of your smirk
fake trends
she followed her own scent
I never needed to be liked
but I was always loved
and if I felt comfortable
id be loving too