What happens when.
You wake up.
And forget everything.
You have no sense of who you are.
People tell you who are.
Tell you people you should know.
But you dont...
What happens when you relive every thing.
Is it all happening then?
Or is it a memory.
Is this pain from now?
Or is it from the past?
Is this hurt and pain and want and urge of death.
From now?
Is this unbareable craving of pain, the want to cut youself.
How do you know.
Whats recent and from the past..
What happens when you lose all control.
What happens when you want to die.
What happens when your in so much pain.
No one can see they need to let you go..
No one but one knows your pain.
One person, has the same pain.
What happens when you lose all want to live..
Why is everyone blind.
I am in to much pain to go on?
You wake up clueless of who you are.
Just knowing, every little memory re living it.
No one knows how bad you want to end.
No one knows the pain.
Of reliving ever little time ive been *****.
Of reliving the death of the person you loved.
Of reliving your molestation.
reliving watching your daughter die.
Reliving your hell.
No one knows...
No ones knows the pain..
What happens when you love the pain of the blood falling down your wrist again.
What happens when you want to give up?
Are you gonna be forced to live a life.
To fake your hell is not killing you already.
To fake you have a soul.
I lost my lit up heart it died with the ashes.

You are cursed with a never ending life.
Some would love this.
But why love a life.
When your accused of killing.
Your accused of a ****** you simply didnt do.
When your taken from every great thing.
When your sole purpose is to watch the people you love die.
When you watch people like casey
Blame themself.
for deaths.
death the didnt have anything to do with.
When you know they didnt.
They dont know they **** you more.
The pain from others.
**** every hope you have of a soul.
J lee died.
And the one thing i loved more than life.
Blames him own self.
A death destroyed him.
1
Not 47.
Ive seen 47.
How destroyed must i be?
Does anyone know my pain?
Do they?
No.
No one has lived my life.
Everyone would die in my shoes.
I cry.
But think how the hell strong i am.
To even consider loving you all enough to stay.
So next time you doubt me.
Think of that.
Think of why the hell i'd stay for something i hated.
If i am alive.
In a life i cant wait to ******* end..
-love

Stars-there only light in the sky.
But what if there a resemblance of those who have
died showing their souls in the sky.
Painting a picture in the sky.
Make art with their light.
No matter how far down you get pushed down
to the forest of darkness.
You die with the light in your heart and are realesed.
And made once again.
Your light stays in the sky to paint your picture.
Then your welcomed back in the world for a second chance.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
Or so they say
If I dream of a nightmare, am I wishing for one?

I dreamt of you last night
After years of having no thoughts about you
In your white polo under your blue cotton sweater and
Your glasses that sit perfectly across your nose bridge
You are exactly how I remembered you
You were taking photos, that was your hobby
And I had a camera in my hand
We didn't immediately talk but
Stolen glances were evidently exchanged
Until you went behind me and grabbed my camera and said
"Can I take a few pictures?"
God, you were so cute
How could I say no?
"Sure," I said, following you to the tree you were about to shoot
You took a few photos and I watched you
I watched your familiar grip on the camera
And how you squint one eye as you look into the lens
How you smile as you look at every shot you take, satisfied with your work
I could not believe how familiar you seemed
As if we just stopped talking yesterday
The next thing I knew
You were leaning in to me with the lens pointing at us
"Selfie!", you said
Ugh that smile!
And so we took a selfie
And another one and another one and another one
You ran across the field with my camera
Which I obviously needed,
So I ran after you
And there we were like two lost sheep who found each other again,
Chasing after each other with these huge smiles on our faces
And when I finally caught up to you,
I hugged you in an attempt to grab my camera back
And I felt the familiar shape of your shoulders
And how they harden as you tighten your grip around my camera
You were laughing
And, ugh, that laugh was like...
Hearing your favorite song which you've gotten over and being reminded of why you loved it in the first place
I laughed along with you
And we were lying on the field laughing with cameras in our hands

Then I woke up

To write is to:
       let go?
       relive?
       understand from a new perspective?
       finally accept it?
       be in denial of reality?
       hope?
       move on?
       furrow your eyebrows and think?
       rethink?
       be broken?

I break my words, lost my world
Twisted over the days and took baths too long
My selfishness overcame who I ever was,
and I could keep spiraling down into self pity
I thought "It doesn't matter, I shouldn't worry about me."
When I realized I should be the first to worry about me,
and I should worry about me first.
Everything has been so eye opening, but now I can't stop to
close my eyes and escape from the confusion and rage
I wish it all could just stop,
So I can relive the days
when I cared about the sunrise,
and my eyes were so much brighter

I'm going crazy
Sleepless since the night you betrayed me
Like a movie in my mind it keeps playing

It's too late the damage is done
Leave me up half the night like a re run
I think in going insane
And my heart is breaking

I've got you stuck on replay..
You're stuck on replay..

If only we'd never met,
so I could experience you again.