The sun hid behind the clouds
So it could be ready to shine
Just for you when you have a bad day.

if tomorrow never comes
it must be the end of the world
and i know i won't be ready for afterlife

i won't say a final goodbye
but i know you're the kind of person
who likes defined edges and endings

so i'll settle for a compromise
when you say goodbye, i'll say goodbye
goodbye, that is, until next time

I've said hello. I've had to say goodbye.
I've said a lot of things in my time.
And I'll say a lot more.
Because you taught me
that what I have to say matters.
And now it's time to share
what I've learned with you.
What you have to say matters.
What you WANT to say matters.
You listened to me.
So, I'm ready to listen to you.
What do you want to say?

I.

First it’s a look shared through the glass
A window between us

The feeling that passes through me
When I watch him explain the impossible
And make it look easy

Then it’s the wondering that overtakes me
Behind the counter where I’ve lost myself in thought
Surrounded by books that won’t tell me
If he’s thinking of me too

It’s the ache that comes from longing
To hear the sound of his voice
But I’m too scared to call
Unless I’m already drunk

It’s that feeling in the pit of my stomach
Everyone calls butterflies, but really
It feels like too much, just so much

It happens when you start to fall.

And it’s a slap in my own the face
As I hide deeper inside of myself
Because he is beautiful
And I am all sharp edges

He is enough
But I am just not ready

II.

I always find myself going back to you
When I imagine how I wanted it to be
And what I wish I had said

It’s so strange to be here
So many years later
Still wondering if it was you all along

We shared this kiss once
You and I
Once of those steamy
Spur of the moment
You only live once type of deals

I know you remember it too

My heart hurts just thinking about it because
It was always such a blur of wrongtimewrongplacewrongsomething
Between me and you

I guess I never stopped being too scared to call
Unless I was already drunk
It’s been years since I heard your voice
But I am haunted

I wonder if you're cold.
You're beautiful.
I bet you're beautiful in the spring.
And even prettier in the summer.
In the winter your cold.
And now, you're beautiful.
I wonder if anything is crawling on you.
If you're taking a breath in or out right this moment.
I wonder if the sun makes you smile.
If the cold kills you-
I hope you're not dead.
Because you're so beautiful.
Sitting from so far away.
I see you.
You curve oddly.
The clouds were just swept for you.
Are you waving at me?
I saw something.
Are you thirsty?
Is it too cold for you?
I'm sorry, i didn't bring anything.
I'm sorry…
“I'm sorry.”
“But it was all me, don't be sorry”...
-

“It's okay now.”
“It's never okay.”
“To me, it's okay now.”
“It's not okay…”
“It is to me.”
-
What would it do in this situation?
What temperature would it feel?
The Summer?
The Winter?
The Spring?
The Fall?
-

(“The Fall.”)
-

I can't warm up to him.
But I'm going to, I'm going to fail.
I'm going to “Fall”.
-

What would you do?
Sway?
What would you grab onto.
The dirt?
-

If you fell right now i wouldn't hear you.
Couldn't.
I can’t.
She's in the way.
This window is in the way.
The air.
The fence.
-

I can’t-
-help it.
-

I'm going to hug you.
Be there.
I'm going to hug you.
You're stuck in the ground.
-

You're beautiful.

-

You're going to make me die.
That was a mistake.
Written in pen.
You're going to make me cry.
I'm ready for it.
I'm waiting for it.
I'm waiting for you to feel like it's right.
Not set in stone.
I'm letting you make the decision.
The first move.
Because I made the first move last time.
Not this time.
Not again.
Not ever.
Be ready.
Please be ready.
For yourself.
For me.
The one outside.
The one in the car.
-

“Negative Attention.”
-


She’s a horrible woman.
She's beautiful.
Not like the other tho.
She is wrong.
One of God brought by Satin.
-

I'm sorry ***.
Show me you're ready.
I love you.
-

You're beautiful.

Time doesn't heal. You do.
Love doesn't conquer all.
But you can when you're ready.
And it's okay if you're not ready.
It takes time to be strong.
Don't be afraid to live young.
Because you won't be for long.

18
What a strange age

Expected to grow up
Expected to change

But there is a problem
With what they request,
I’m not quite done growing
And I’m still quite a mess

They tell me I’m ready
That I have to move on

Won’t somebody tell me
Where my childhood’s gone?

What are these taxes?
Why must I move out?
If I haven’t the money,
Shall I sleep on the ground?

Nobody told me
How to accept
The loss of my childhood
As a normal event

It may not have been nice
And it may not have been good
And I might have been through stuff
That no child should

But I am not ready
To give it all up
To trade for my hours,
Everyday at a job

I don’t know how to fight it
I’m not sure I can

But at least I am finding
The person I am

At 18 I’m growing
And I’ll keep in my hand
That of another me,
The one of my Past