I would rather be
unpopular
for all the right reasons
than popular
for all the wrong ones.

I
had something on my mind
I
guess it really doesn't matter anyway
I
was unable to get my point across

You
stand there slack jawed with all the answers
You
bathe yourself in fairies tears to recover from my words
You
are popular and "open minded" so you win I guess

OF COURSE

They
will never take my side
They
are on every block praising you
They
are also in charge and can burn me so bad

**How quaint...

I've never been "That girl"
That girl who comes out of a realationship.
And instantly finds herself in another.. Effortlessly. Like it was destiny.

I guess it was just mever destined for me to be "that girl"
That girl, who never stops having people confess their love for her
That girl who people can't stop talking about, how pretty they are.
That girl who can get guys to buy her a drink at the bar.
By the pattern of her soft lips and a hair flip.
Effortlessly. Like it was destiny.

I guess, it was just never destined for me, to be "that girl"
That girl who knows how to flirt properly.
That girl who can put her makeup on flawlessly
That girl who can post a photo to facebook and not find a million insecurities, lurking at the tips of her fingers, as she presses the share button.

And i know that i shouldn't let these things define my femininity.
I know, that i shouldn't let these things bother me, but.. They do.
It's like having a lack of popularity in this world, is seen as an abnormality.
It is seen as less than womanly.
And i'm always forced to ask myself 'what's wrong, with me?'

But maybe it's because i was never destined to be "that girl"
Maybe it's because i was destined to be something more!
To be that girl who just lives her life.
That girl who loves herself for who she is, and doesn't rely on popularity to make herself feel alright.

That girl who knows what she wants, and fights until it's her's.
That girl, who still has insecurities, but.. At the end of the day just says 'whatever?
Because we all know who runs the world'
I wanna be that girl.

Sometimes I would walk through the halls,
feeling nothing but anxiety.
My mind would become flooded:
What should I be doing…
what should I be saying...
what is everyone thinking?

See-
I used to float to the back of the room
to the back of my mind where
I escaped the world by reading.
Nerdy.
A loser. A freak.
I was too intelligent for my age.
It wasn’t COOL to get straight A’s.

Then I advanced to the seventh grade,
with no idea my life was about to change.
I made a friend.
Then Two. Then Three.
A former unknown concept: “popularity”.

Skater shoes, with laces you didn’t tie,
pink backpacks, hair straight as a pin-
Abercrombie-
led me to a moment I still hate today:
“Try some of this”.
It wasn’t COOL if you said no.

It was my first taste of intoxication,
my first taste of escape-
escape of my mind, the thoughts,
The anxiety.
The more I sipped, the more I let go.

The drinks would become stronger,
we raged every other night.
Tolerances were creeping up high,
control started waving goodbye to my mind.
It wasn’t COOL to be sober.

We laughed, we kid-
called ourselves “alcoholics”.
If only then I knew more, and the future I would soon endure
because of the potion we poured and poured.
It wasn’t COOL to be a lightweight.

Some years later I bragged and I boasted,
over the amount of liquor I could intake.
“The only girl who could outdrink the boys”-
the girl, I’d someday unrelated.
She’d fallen for everything society had wanted to create.
“Popularity”.

Then came the day I knew would eventually arrive-
the day of realization and what it meant to be alive.
I no longer wanted to be COOL.

Because with each drink, the value of life was swallowed-
I never have felt
quite that hollow. As if
all the knowledge that once filled my mind
vanished.

I yearned for nothing but to go back to the days,
when I was uncool
and got
straight A’s.

I've never had a girlfriend,
never had a job,
Never had a home to call my own,
Never been to the pub.

I have friends,
I have an education,
I have shelter,
I am healthy.

I've never been famous,
never been popular,
never been wealthy,
never drove a car.

I have time to myself,
I know who I can trust,
money means more to me,
I am fitter.

Yes, there are negatives in life.
But positives are there as well.
They may not be as clear.
But if you search, you will find.

Don't tell me
what you learned in school
was useless

because
every day
you:

count
the number of likes
you got on your selfie
to figure out the value
of your beauty,

write
perfectly formed tweets
to exude creativity and wit
you wish you
actually possessed,

read
status updates
from former friends
who always seem
to be doing something
exciting,

become curious
about the lives
of people
you've never met,
and

question
why you waste
your time
comparing yourself
to carefully crafted personalities
that exist only
for Internet audiences
they would otherwise
be too afraid
to address.

Don't tell me
what you learned in school
was useless.

I was the girl with the sharp tongue
and the overly seductive smile
the one everyone wanted to get to know but couldn't
I was the girl that made boys weak
and made girls talk

The girl that had a sense of humour
ready to hang with the boys and get ugly
the girl who could be friends with everyone
she knew when to be kind and when to be cruel

I was the girl that bets were made about
that never played by the rules
the one that made you shine when she was around
the one girls wanted to be
the one that stood out
Because she wasn't just any girl
She was The girl

I was everything to everyone
except who I actually was