I still remember the days when you had promised and said we would last forever. Forever and always remember? Do you remember telling me that if our forever and always didn't really turn out to be, that you'd still be here by my side and how you would always be my friend. Even if we weren't what we used to be. Forever and always just like you had promised. But I guess over time forever and always never meant anything and promises are just meant to be broken. Some days I start to wonder, what if I had never let those three little but very important words slip my mouth 'l love you'. What if I never said yes or if I hadn't said all those cute little things we both wished would happen but never did.  Sometimes I would over think my past decisions and ask myself why had I gotten myself into this mess and why I have let it get this far. I myself knowing I would never be able to break out of this cage. Even if it meant hurting myself and even the others around me that I love. Some day's I wonder how my life would be without you, how I would be if you hadn't entered my life like you did. I must say my life isn't perfect and I sure in hell know i'm not either. I'm not the skinniest girl nor am I the prettiest. I have problems and I deal with them on a daily basis. And you even knew this yet you never stayed. But in the end I am happy ?to say I got over you and the way you had treated me. I know I may never get over you as for you were my first love. But I will never ever forgive you for what you have done to me.

Every muscle in my body
Begs me to run
To chase your car
But then your taillights crest the hill
And disappear beyond

My mind lingers on you

Are you wearing your seatbelt?
Are you alert and emotionally sound?
After all
A distracted driver is just as dangerous
As a drunk driver

And no
I am not ok right now
Fear and feelings and Hydrocodone
Cloud my mind
Every time I watch you leave
Hurts more than the last

But this weekend was amazing
I had so much fun
Felt so loved
So safe

This weekend was not wasted
On painkillers and platitudes
This weekend was real
Tactile and truthful

My love is relentless
And I will pursue you
To the end of the earth.

Darling, you love the word "ok."
you're floating in a sea of "ok"
you're drowning in a sea of "ok"
you're dying in a sea of "ok."
You sleep in your coffin of "ok's" but it's ok
because you've ok'd everything to numbness and you've ok'd everything
to stop the bleeding and you've ok'd a noose around all that hurts.

But darling, you hurt.

You made me laugh in 5 minutes
You made me think about the future in 2 hours
You kept me awake until 1AM
You showed me how to smile again in 10 hours
Now I have you on my mind 24 hours

I let you become my home and after awhile it felt like I was on house arrest.
You knocked all my walls down just to build walls around the both of us
Blocking out the world so they couldn't see the chaos
The broken home that we both tried to live in.
There was only so much shattered glass you could clean up
I tried to decorate for a last ditch attempt to find the place I once called home
But you set it all on fire because you said you hated the color and the next day you started looking for a new home.

Once I show you the scars on my wrists,
Can I trust you with the wounds on my heart?
Once you see who I was,
Can you handle the person I will become?
Once you hold me in your arms,
Can you ever bare lay a hand on me?
Once you hear me cry,
Could you bare to be the reason for my tears?
Once you see me broken,
Could you piece me back together?

I thought I got better
I actually became worse
It seemed like this black cloud in my head was slowly starting to disappear
I finally felt ok
But the black cloud got even darker
Making me more exhausted, if that's possible
Crying
Not wanting to get up
Barely writing this
I thought I got better

I don't want to feel ok,
Ok is a lie when I see wars on tv and I just watched children die.
Please don't be ok,
Please don't let this be ok.  
Don't let a false sense of security become an excuse for apathy.

I sit awake, thinking of you