It’s been a while, but I’ve figured out
Why my life seems so different now.
Working on being your new fixation
In a costume of my own creation.

I know I’m not who I used to be,
I’m used to being shut down,
Silenced,
Ooh, their words were violent,
And I ended up someone I’m not sure I want to be.

But that doesn’t matter anymore…

‘Cause I’d do anything you want,
Be the girl of your dreams, too.
I’d say the things you’d like to hear,
And change my looks, my heart for you.

I know it’s sad and reeks of desperation,
Yeah it’s tragic, but it’s true…
Honey, if you would just love me,
Maybe I could love me too.

Baby could you kiss me in the moonlight,
And see the stars in my eyes,
And let me take the pain away.
All those thoughts you’ve had today -
They don’t mean anything
As long as I’m around.

Please, just use me like I’m using you.
My heart tells me it’s choosing you,
And all these stupid things I do
Only promise me that I’ll be losing you.

And I know I’m simply sad and eighteen,
And life has much more planned for me.
What’s that look supposed to mean?
We used to speak so candidly.

And now I know you want to leave me…

But I’d do anything you want,
Be the girl of your dreams, too.
I’d say the things you’d like to hear,
And change my whole ******* self for you.

I know it’s so very sad and desperate,
Yeah it’s tragic, but it’s true…
Darling, if you would just love me,
Then maybe I could love me too.

Can you please just ******* love me,
So that I can love me too?

Your face reminds me of
Lucifer just before he fell
from heaven and changed
the course of humanity

        - if you believe such a thing.

Too smug to understand: the beauty
of eternity has you only
on its fringes.

Through the haze of an endless sleep.
There exists a girl who I'd like to meet.
She sings with the animals about love and I.
A body that I feel in my drug induced high.

Across the endless space she exists.
A girl who is sleeping and desires my kiss.
I feel her allure and am drawn to her smell.
A forgotten face she wears to compel.

I see her in the eyes of my plastic plaything
Frozen in place, she lives to complete me.
My desire undying and heart now content.
That she could ever love someone in so much torment.

Enduring and withstanding together in this vision.
We dance at a ball, she hums to the rythm.
A love that is born from desperation and pain.
I am trapped and entranced by her again and again.

All those in my life who rejected me now.
They don't matter as I make a vow
I will take my love trapped in a tower.
Other people are just grass compared to her, a flower.

The only way I can sleep forever.
To finish and win in life, I could whenever.
I stand on a bridge and remember my life, a blur.
"Do you trust me?" She asks as I stand ready to join her.

Maybe if I lived in a different way.
I wouldn't be here, not here today.
I wouldn't have fought this war in disguise.
My love wouldn't be telling me to die.

Now soon she will be mine.
No matter the restrictions of reality and time.
On the sands of a planet or amidst the coral of the sea.
She will come to be with me.

Every night I chase them.
Feelings so close to me.
Will I ever escape from this miasma of broken dreams?

My life is now a picture.
My tears are now a lie.
Reminded through my faultless mind of why I want to die.

No longer can i flee.
Walls are closing in on me.
A thousand fists, a million tears that meld into my skin.
I am no one but you who made the hate I garner within.

Hold me to feel a thousand memories of pain that are now one.
Nuance me with your shun.
The course of mine that runs.
Hide with your conspirators deep inside the temple.
You are my personal devil.
In my head I feel you revel.

Like all before you look away in fear of what I have become.
To you I could be your love.
To me I see no one.
Emptiness and life are my drug.
My eternal bane.
My pleasure an my pain.

Touch me to see everything you love all fall as one.
I am a curse.
A poison.
The failed volume of an author.
Progenitor to a slaughter.
The blood mixed in your water.

Reason and logic keep me from losing control of this.
This body I feel not mine.
The circus of my life.
I am the prized freakshow, the star of my own hell.
All the lesser sideshows look unto me and want.
The king of everything I hate.
Disappear.

Doxycycline
Tetracycline
Fix my flaw
I want to be free

It doesn't matter
Or so they tell me
Self worth killer
My own worst enemy

Discomfort in a crowd
Pretending it's class
I want to be loud
Hey, look, a mask

Substance crutch
Just one glitch
There's never enough
Got lost in a trip

There they go again.

Chirping, ranting, shrieking annoying noise.

Too loud she was doomed with silence,

With a bitter tang she insists to ignore.

The one was named fear

The other was unknown

The one was named sadness

While others hid in dim.

But courage persisted

Together with hope.

They fought with the whisperer

Who utters too strong.

She hides behind the curtain

Which she called beam.

Aside from her bruises

Piercing roughly through bones

She now carries a deep burden

In a bewildered, baffled form.

As a little kid, I was afraid of the monsters that were under my bed
Now they've come from under my bed, and into my head
Burying themselves, deep inside My thoughts
Buried so deep that they'll never be caught
My mind has changed, in a way that no one understands
I'm trying to pull my heart out with my hand
Because it aches and it burns me, they want it out
All they want I'd for me to rip it out.

O' sweet love, I am waiting for thee,
Build me up a castle,
But perish not, into the sea.
Thy love is a burning flame
Amid the night of wonderous emotion.

I cannot live my wholesome life,
Without the presence of your heart!
And shall I awake,
To find you have loved another?
Then may my death bring thee great sorrow!

For you have grown me to love emptiness,
To loathe those who spent eternities,
Beating our love against mountains.
O' sweet love, I am waiting for thee.

Punching myself
'till I get
bruised up &
scarring myself
'till I get
a brand new
skin.