under a gold sun you dream about the future
there's a road before you that continues after the horizon blurs it's path
you wonder if you made the right choice, if you were supposed to come this way
but you couldn't turn around if you wanted to
the paths you left behind wouldn't be there any more

there's a map that's meant only for you to fill
and you fill it with all it's dead ends and sharp turns and broken bridges
you wonder if there was an easier way as the unforgiving sun beats down upon you
you wonder if there was a path that was filled with trees and flowers

under an endless sky you find  your footing
there's a cracked earth beneath your feet but you see the weeds coming through
you begin to see their likeness in your self, your roots are deep and your will to live deeper
and so you grit your teeth and though your shoes are worn, you feel lighter in step

there's an ocean at the end of the road that's more beautiful than you'd ever seen
maybe it's blue and maybe it's not, but you bury your hands in the sand as the waves reach out to greet you, beckon you to follow
there's salt in the air and you know if you drink the water you'll drown
so you sit back and let your aching feet heal in the coolness of it's embrace

when you open your eyes it's to a gentle rain
in the distance there's a storm just off the horizon but the wind is carrying it far away
there's a desert behind you and a different kind of desert before you, but here you're safe
here you've found the end of the road that you'd begun years before
map gently folded beside you filled with anecdotes of the stories that led you here

there's a boat tie to the shore by a single pier with only a small sail and a life preserver to offer
but it whispers to you in your sleep that it's ready for adventure
you look to the stars and see the next map in it's constellations, the next course you need to take
but your feet have healed under the cool embrace of the maybe blue sea and there's hesitation in your heart as you feel the presence of that long distant storm past the waters before you

the next time you open your eyes it's maybe blue surrounding you
there's wind in your hair and a blank canvas before you
you look at the stars and remember that golden sun you looked at when dreaming of the future
with pen in  your hand, you dip your hand into that maybe blue and drink from the sea that saved you once
the rumble of the storm is distant but you know you'll be able to face it when it comes
you drink from the sea, but you do not drown

Whew. Here it goes… Dear God,
I seek to understand you
but the ideas seem so broad
and I fear of biting off more than I can chew.

Followers say you’re all about love
and to simply “just have faith,”
but I feel disappointment from Heaven above
and I feel for me, it’s just too late.

I’ve been through so much
And meanwhile, I felt all alone.
My unanswered prayers led to a grudge
And I chose to just keep myself afloat.

My questions hold me down
from believing without seeing.
How could you let an innocent child drown?
Why does it seem like you neglect certain human beings?

Why do horrible things happen to good people?
Do you really believe that all people deserve forgiveness?
Is Hell full of people that took pleasure from ink in a needle?
Why does the negative connotation exist for the word “religious?”

I’ve struggled with the idea of you
And I’ve given up numerous times.
But still, I patiently wait for my breakthrough.
And I still try to read between the lines.

Although I have doubts, I promise to never stop praying
and to keep trying my best to understand faith.
And If I ever get to see your face, I promise I’ll begin by saying,
thank you for my blessings and showing me a lifetime of grace.

We're running as if
there's an end to this
a point where we say goodbye

When all it is is a cycle
we'll continue to rewrite

Learn, move on, don't redo
mistakes of dear old self
or you'll be left with nothing

but your own dreadful regrets

When I was 7, I bit my arm.
When I was 11, I pulled my hair and punched myself in the head.
When I was 13, I choked myself and dug my nails into my arms and legs.
When I was 15, I cut myself.
When I was 16, I burnt myself with a cigarette.
When I was 18, I destroyed myself with drugs.
Now I'm 21 trying so **** hard to love myself.
To leave behind the self destructive past.
To let go of all the regret and self loathing.
Its been getting easier, too.
Please don't give up.

Open up to me
Slowly
Like apps awakening
Feed me bits of you in colorful rhymes and pictures
Fill me with the files of your life
Even the ones titled miscellaneous
Even the ones titled don’t open unless an emergency
Even the ones that are hidden far back in the files of other files
Be my meme
My posting in the morning to remind me I am the only one
Send me kisses
Real ones
That look like the kinds you see in movie gifs
Let us be each others laptop of loves learning

When I was a child,
I acknowledged what happy means,
It was all when I was younger,
Hugging a bear in pink pajamas,
Mom and dad would kiss me goodnight
Mornings used to be brighter and sunny
Afternoons would remind me of playgrounds,
And at night, stars would pierce through the dark.

I grew and grew and grew,
The months and years passed.
And I'd knock at the door in noon,
Kiss my mom's cheeks, "I'm home, mom."
We read books together and I learn a lot.
And learning as I walk through my path,
It seemed strange, really different
As they let go of the grip I used to hold on.

Maybe it meant freedom, I thought...
Was to be "on my own" real freedom?
Is this the solitude that confuses everyone?
Joy is far cry from despair, this is being content,
Now I comprehend, wish I really understand.
And I was a young bird taking off from her nest.
Here I am trying to fly as time flies, too.
And I'd get a little lonlier everyday...
Thinking where would I fly if this ain't home
And all I know is I'm lucky.

Little did I know now,
I have grown a bit from yesterday...
A little bit new from a new day.
I used to know what happiness is,
Did I really know what it meant?
I asked myself and heard no answer.
I thought it was much simpler than I thought.
I thought of dresses on me, cold weathers,
Thought of sweets, 12-hour heavy sleeps,
Thought of love stories and happy endings in books that never existed in real life.
Never did they exist as long as you live.

But those things will never be enough
to satisfy me forever.
I know, I have grown and I was younger back then.
I was the little princess who instantly gets
what she wants back then.
I was the little princess who never knew hard work until she strived hard for something.
Little did I realize how hard it is to take it,
The more I age, the more it slips out of my hands...
And there, I come to its reach.

Happiness isn't something you buy,
But darling, it is something you earn.
It is something you learn from and gain.
A little time with your favorite company is
The first thing that would pop in my head.

Freedom isn't being happy but being right.
It is something worth fighting for,
Until your voice is heard through the people's chaotic and rebellious screams.

And love, a word I have never known when I was young... Until it taught me to smile truly.
Love is something you can't define.
As they define, they just got closer to it its meaning.
Never did they get to touch the word itself.
But, they felt it with it alone.

Ten years ago, I cried over stolen toys I'm tired of playing at my age now.
And now, I cry over things that I knew really matter and I'd never get tired of forever....
I'd cry over bad decisions, trying to get up from my fall as I tried to clean all scars...
Knowing there are more that matters and are worth saving...
Knowing there are things I'd better let go.

And little did I know I grew when I learn,
Little did I know the years as they passed by.
And, happiness is a choice, they'll tell.
And if it was yours, pass it on.


May 21, 2019
7:34-7:40pm
Edited version