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Mary Shanti Feb 21
Maybe it is the slow beats
Humming from my headset
Maybe it is the nap
I took today
Maybe it is the painting I look at
Reminding me every day of you
Reminding me to take breaks
Never end it
Take breaks
Never end it
You left
I never got to say good bye
Now I do it everyday
I was angry
It is ok
I was angry
And It is ok
I am allowed to be *******
Even though your six feet under
Well, there are ashes from what I know
I didn't get any
Odd, yes I wanted some
Something to have , to look at
Something to register
With the grey that is within
Something to look at
And know this is real
It still doesn’t feel real
How can it not ?
After 3 years
I look at pictures
I hear music
Your words are still in my head
I know you will be ok
You are strong
Everyone tells me I am strong
Yes
I am
Yes
Do I always want to be
No
No
No
Can someone reach into the depth of me
Set me free
Allow me to longer be
In grief
In grief
Still can’t believe
Still can’t believe
You left me
You left me
Spare me the story
Of the pain
We all have some
I am not going anywhere
Even though some days
I feel you calling me
To join you
No
I won’t
I won’t
I am strong
I still want to cry
Is that okay ?
Yes that is okay
I want to rewind
Rewind to that one day
You told me how you were feeling
I didn't really listen
Now my ears are wide open
With silence
You bring me silence
I know you would have anyway
I know you would have anyway
Have to tell myself all the time
It doesn’t stop me from wishing
I had said something
Something
Even though I know you would have anyways
A poem, a conversation in my head about the death by suicide of my best friend
Mary Shanti May 2019
Open up to me
Slowly
Like apps awakening
Feed me bits of you in colorful rhymes and pictures
Fill me with the files of your life
Even the ones titled miscellaneous
Even the ones titled don’t open unless an emergency
Even the ones that are hidden far back in the files of other files
Be my meme
My posting in the morning to remind me I am the only one
Send me kisses
Real ones
That look like the kinds you see in movie gifs
Let us be each others laptop of loves learning
Mary Shanti May 2019
Grey
Sliding in my door
Like ceramic clouds
Covering over me
Eyes still filled with musty bits of sleep
Staring at the clock
Wondering
When their interruptions will begin
Imaginary curtains I pull back
Hoping the sunlight will want to crawl into my brain again today
Some days I don’t want to have to be coerced into living my life
I loath those who leap like stars in moonlight
But really I am just wishing I was them
Mary Shanti Feb 2019
Everything I say
You whisper condolences
On my soul
On my spirit
On the very essence of who I am
Where I have been
You wait
Like pigeons
For that moment
I feed you the scraps
Tiny morsels
Of my being
Sit on the window sill of your life
Waiting
For patience
Promises unkept
That swept
Up and up
From cranberry filled faucets of life
Where we sat in
Now you
Pull the drain
And Swish swish
Where one you were my voiceless
Power strip
Now you are editing the very frequency of my being
I must now turn up the volume
Shout it loud
Leave this room of our lives
Leave the stereo at 10
Listen to my voice
On the headset
And walk the **** out
Mary Shanti Nov 2018
In one moment my eyes turned wide
Two times already that you webbed me with your lies
I told you three strikes, yet you cast me with a spell
Into some sort of fourth realm
Where five angels once delivered messages of freedom and hell
Only to be sworn out six times by the devil himself
Seven times you begged for my forgiveness
In eight different rooms I fled to find myself
Like a cat on its ninth life clinging to temporary walls
The tenth hour hits and I am relieved to be somewhere else
Mary Shanti Nov 2018
Stale air
Stills the night blossoms
Leaving us in a wandering midnight blue
Trust
Lost
Squelched
Like stars burned by an over zealous moon
I sought to seek the truth
Only to have it ripped out
Like the page that was inside of me
That drifted out
Into the wind
If I tried to reach
To get it
From my window pane
Bits and pieces
of the very soul of me
Could fall and break
But if I let it go
I may never hear your voice again
Mary Shanti Oct 2018
Bubble in the sky
Whispers billowy
Hello’s
And then vanishes
Leaving me wondering

Like a question unanswered
You are out there
My creme filled doughnut of love
You taunt me
I meet you
In bars
You are witty
You speak of Hemingway and heroism
And wine filled coffee houses that would be great to muse
In
Then you leave with your girlfriend
Who confessed to me she doesn’t love you
As I twist the cap on her beer open
And wish it was laced with some sort of truth poison

You
You are out there
I don’t expect you to ride up on a white horse
Perhaps just have a good conversation
Because Hello dear isn’t exactly enticing
Or drawing me in
In this algorithm, online dating world

You, you are out there
I have to believe it,
Somewhere In this jaded heart filled boxed of mine
I release the edges of hate
That have filled the corners of what was my yesteryear's
Long I ago I would have been what was considered Old Maid fate
I know there is just a glimpse of golden
Amongst all this shaded grey

You, you are out there
Each year that goes by
You become more hazy
I have to wipe the windows
Inside me
To trust you are there

You, you are out there
You have changed from muscle man hero
To creative, inspiring, accepting, adventurous lover

You, you are out there
Able to handle this non laid back lady
Able to see beyond just ripping off clothes
And slapping my ***

You, you are out there
Sometimes your to long winded
But Still not jaded
Able to take my hand
And hold it
In the wind blown turmoil of what I have been

You , you are out there
Weathered words, that hold pages
Of information
You spill out onto my soul
And make me want to dive in

You, you are going to be a part of this story
We will tell it
Like the alchemist
Who sought to chase the wind
You
You are the ending
So Let the beginning
Begin
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