eating fast food as I watch you wear your old Hawaiian t shirt you adopted from the bottom of a bin at the local thrift shop because everything has always been comfort over style and you can't change now
a fry falls onto the lap of my thighs and you ask me when the last time was I used my kitchen floor for dancing instead of pacing around but my mind falls short into the drops of condensation sweating into a couch that I hate sometimes and admire for the sturdy way it always manages to **** up my back
I'm already what I want to be but I pretend that I throw around my identity like a knick-knack hacky sack and I'll always blame you for the aftershock effect of feeling like I've been spun in a tumbler and left to be drunk by the gnats you breed by never throwing old fruit away

I’m lazy, not depressed
That’s why I lay in bed all day
My room is a mess
And my limbs don’t work anymore
I’m lazy, not depressed
I’m sad because I’m irresponsible
I cry because I’m guilty,
I don’t cry because I’m depressed
I cry because I’m lazy.
That’s all I’ll ever be
No one said that to me
But actions are more than speak

I knew I picked
this day to rest
For a part of it is true

Someday we'd all be
Something grand, someone
they'd rally to

It'll be a part of memory
a clip to look back to

I'd say, "Oh, how
we used to be so bland,
but hopelessly hopeful"

Then, smirking, I added,
With no doubt and remorse

"T'was because we knew
this day would come as NOW
when we hoped this as tomorrow."

I'm lazy,
Argumentative,
I drain,
From their incentive,
I'm a pain,
And overly sensitive,
But not enough,
When it comes to pets,
Not an "animal person",
Just not into vets,
I'm so terrible,
yes oh yes,
The worst,
yes oh yes,
Adhd,
Anxiety,
Intrusive thoughts,
Please help me,
No medication,
For the thoughts,
"It's electronics",
Your brain rots,
They hate me,
When I make,
Any sort,
Of mistake,
He blames me,
When somethings missing,
Why can't I be left,
Left alone,
Given privacy,
In our home,
Can't close my door,
Can't have food,
Suspicious to have water,
I wish I could,
Just be left,
To my own devices,
But it's on me,
It's my fault,
That I'm called names,
By an adult,
"Wack",
He sometimes says,
"Lord Help Me".
I need prayers,
Though he never prays,
Outside of me being weird,
I'm a demon for these days.
"Can't wait till you leave",
I can't wait too,
I'm spoiled?
You don't like me though,
It's true.
I'm always the bad one,
Never defended,
Only attacked,
Then I can't be offended?
Okay.

Some days
You just aren’t ready for the sun to blaze
Lazy days
Close the curtain go back to sleep
Falling into abyss
Counting sheep

I have spent my weekend
being less than human
in horizontal positions.
I have spent my weekend
empty and alone,
weeping hard
but only the house could hear it.
I have spent my weekend
mourning the person I was,
how full she was
how vibrant and strong she was.
I have spent my weekend
as nothing more than
a useless blank mass of flesh.
All I ask is that you
please, keep your flowers
from my face.

4/28/2019

That smile you showed,
When he was left out.
Half a second, eased the load,
Brought him from his hideout.

You care for him, to the last,
Even when he's distant.
When he thought he was outcast,
You included him in an instant.

But he selfishly wants your attention,
He craves more, he can't be alone.
He'd do anything in this situation,
But his stupidity swirls like a cyclone.

He becomes like a turbulent child,
Throws a fit to get his way.
Others are easily beguiled,
But is happiness really underway?

Can the void in his heart,
Which was drained long ago,
Be filled when he becomes a bogart?
These actions damage his precarious ego.

He needs your presence;
People who truly care,
Enough to make a difference.
But he can't even tell you're there.

"Father, show him who,
You've sent them into his life,
Even though they're few,
They cut him deep like a knife.

"Let them show him his faults,
He must see for himself,
Let them open the vaults,
Show him what's on the shelf."

You see how he is corrupted.
Despite his rotten core,
Could he be accepted?
You must help him to explore.

It's not what he does,
That determines his fame.
Love sees past broken pieces,
It passes on no shame.

Overcome by greed,
Not a healthy place.
Back-stabbed and buried,
Not a way to run the race.

Overcome by pride,
Not a purposeful existence.
So much left untried,
Not gaining any distance.

He was not satisfied,
So he took a mile.
I know he was terrified,
Cuz I was he - the whole while.