it is always the lovers
the mothers and fathers
the friends and teachers
those closest to you
who plant seeds of doubt
in your mind
who push you away
from your dreams
only the strong (and stubborn)
may follow their heart
while those dearest to them
cast stones at their passion

I remember the moment
I knew they were watching—
the moment they became of thin air.

but who were they?
our mothers?
our sisters?
our friends?
could they be everything
wrapped up in one?

so from that moment forward
I lived in a fear
of them staring & spying—
judging every last move.

will they always be watching?
god, please say they won’t.

sometimes I wish I could wipe the identity off of my face
throw away the picture and buy a new frame
but instead I wash my face only to reveal a more concentrated version of me
I used to know who I was

Attempting to breathe in
-drowning in insecurity.
I see your flaws.

Dead in water
I’ve swam for days in;
you’ve dwindled down,
but take my hand.

I’ll help you up.

Love..

he called her fat
coz he was thin

he called her pale
coz he was dark

he called her emotional
coz he was heartless

he called her nagging
coz he was secretive

yet she loved
and he cheated

his insecurities
killed the love
killed the girl
killed her entity

she hanged
and he died

you feel distant
but at the same time so close
a thousand miles away
and also nose to nose
my heart feels like it’s breaking
but also as if it smiles
the daytime feels like darkness
yet the darkness feels like light

I love her more than anything, I think
Although right now I can’t really tell
I’ve been with her for what feels like forever
Down here in this never ending hell
I face a coin toss every day with her
Call heads or tails, happy or sad
Wait with bated breath as the coin soars
Curse as it lands “tails”, now she’s mad
I can’t live with fifty-fifty chances
Every second of every day of my life
But if I push her any further
I’m terrified she’ll seek comfort with a knife
It’s so frustrating to love someone
Who thinks the world is always against her
Who can’t seem to love herself
And no matter what I say, she’s insecure

Is this love? What am I doing here?
I can’t keep fighting her endless fear

They say focus on yourself
but whenever you will,
They will grab your head
And turn it around.
They may turn you back
And then stab you there.
And if you resist,
They'll grab your neck
And make it snap.

I cut off my ears
at a beautiful note

And fall in love when
it's a screeching sound

I gauge my eyes out
with the violin's bow

The audience claps
so I take a bow

Lately, I have been détaché-d
Colorful melody, no strings attached

Take the strings of the violin
Tie them around my neck

I grab the neck
of the violin, choke myself
and say

Violence is yet
another instrument
I can't play.