They ask what wrong
If only they could hear my screams
And the voice in my head
Maybe then
Maybe they could understand the way I am
And why I do what I do
And draw on my shoes

Remember!  the conversation we had? I clearly remember,
It was raining that night.
I asked if it was her that you chose, You stuttered
On your face i saw fright
I did not want to fight, i pushed you away
you grabbed me, then held me tight.

I felt like being swallowed by the earth under my feet,
You lifted my chin, looked into my eyes
God! you smelt so sweet
Slowly you whispered, you all i will ever need
i got lost in that eyes,  for a second all the rage did subside

I then remembered that this happened before, I remember the lies
i felt this saddened emotion,  from my soul it arise
The truth you telling me, a masquerade,
It's always in disguise.

Tears and anger cloaks me, like the dark in absence of light
i pull myself lose from your lifeless grip,
This just doesn't feel right, you not even holding me tight

I'm looking at this stranger standing in front of me
Unrecognizable, he starts to slowly speak
shut up! shut up!
all you do is lie, i gave you my heart,
Please! I don't want to cry

Is she worth it? I will die for you! look how i cry for you?
All the promises you made, This was all lies too
You ripped out my heart, stomped on it with your shoe
Do hear what i'm saying? You broke me in two

I'm sorry, is this all you can muster?
I gave you my life, my soul, What about her!?
What did she ever do!? to ever deserve you
did she stick to you when you were down, i thought our love was like glue

I guess this was a lie also, this also wasn't true

                          As you turn to leave,
                emotions a sunder, you din't look back
                   tears my companion,  I fall to my knees.

“So good to be checked in on :)”


<>

so informed, I’m thinking,
yes, I know,
it is a spécialité de ma maison,
checking in on far and dear, not so near, ones,
periodically.

ask myself why,
and the answer comes easy,
intrusion and extrusion.

the pleasant shock of stumbling into an old friend,
both stuck in the revolving door at Macys Herald Square,
which is odd because it’s DECADES since I was there.

there are many outposts on the poetry cables
who have received this SOS, and the inevitable outcome is
a new poem commissioned and perhaps, no admission,
that’s the why and the wherefore surely so purely selfish.

need a guide to help me pick apples and pumpkins,
which is not in my wheelhouse of expertise,
thinking you could give me a boost,
so selfish, you see, picking up the pieces of fall(ing)
and poem titles from, then for, friends.

for you never know
when and how well,
cinnamon apple and pumpkin cream pie
soothes the souls from home grown tumult,
with hot tea.

SOs, how ya doing?

just checking in...

<>
9/12/19

Completely spaced out again
When will this endless voyage end
The cemented past does not want to bend
Tired of trying to will the impossible i'm spent

I'm just a feather on a breeze, going with the flow
Life is the navigator, it's steering the boat
Erupting emotions about to blow
Missing again, i lost hope

Thoughts spinning, caught within the eye of the storm
Separate from the world, my pen refuse to conform
To the sadness and chaos it is magnetically drawn
I feel the worlds pain, in my soul it's still warm

Words of wisdom i spew
From a broken winged mind it flew
What i preach, please don't misconstrued
These words come from the heart, a place of truth

Let's take a second and realize what to the world we have done
It's beauty a hostage, locked in cages and paintings for our fun
This worried message is a global concern, its for everyone
The world is decaying, Armageddon has silently begun.

what is real
that's what i want to know
what exists
is anything of this real
and if not
what is
what if this is just a fantasy land
inside my own head
what if i'm in a coma
what if i'm somebody else
what if i am the only one that exists
what if i don't exist at all
what if there is some massive movie screen
that everybody can watch
from which everyone can see
the world through my eyes
what if i am dead
what if i have existed and lived a thousand times before this
what if this is some strange attempt to truly find peace
what if none of this is real
what if none of this is real
if i close my eyes
does the world cease to exist
and does anything truly exist
if it is possible for vision to fade and never return
perhaps the world is born when i am
perhaps it will die when i do
perhaps the world is just snippets thrown together
different perspectives
different timelines
there are explanations
the gods of science
but who is to say that that is real
who can determine what is real
is it me
is this all up to me
to all those reading
if there is anyone reading at all
i will never know you
i will never have a way to know
if anything
or anyone
truly exists
this life has the permanence
of dreams
flashes of images
thrown together
who is to say what is real
who is to say what is real
who is to say anything at all
my memories might as well be fake
so what do i do
do i do my best
to fit into this make believe world
do i let go of the universe
and play to my quiet niche
or do i let go of the present
let go of the past
let go of the future
and just be
who is to say what is real
who is to say what is real
does the world disappear when i close my eyes
does it all cease
to be
when i die
will the world die with me
is my body real
does it exist
and does the world around me exist
or is this all just hallucinations
is this anything at all
i have no way of knowing
i can see my fingers
i can feel my bangs
brushing against my face
i can smell the must
i can hear the gentle murmur
but what makes this real
what if this isn't real
what happens when it all goes away
what happens when everything goes away
what happens when i can no longer feel
what happens when my eyes don't see
what happens when everything fades
and even my thoughts go away
what is behind the veil
what is just out of sight
is there anything there at all
is it the void
is it just the void
the blackness behind my eyes
stretching out forever
is this the flashback
before i die
is my life running before my eyes
is everything draining from me
and is there truly mortality
do we truly exist at all
is there a we
or is it just me
alone
with my vivid hallucinations

it could go away so easily
it could be gone

i imagine those chambers
those water chambers
where everything is silent
and the water is the same temperature
as your body
and there is nothing
and you lay in the dark
is that dying
is that what truly exists
or is even that an illusion

is anything real
is anything real

Unattached narratives

Charlie makes the same face every time they tell a joke they know they probably shouldn’t. They shift their jaw a tiny bit to the left, their eyes to the right. They start to crack a smile, intermittently, but it doesn’t poke through easily. They don’t let anyone know they think they’re funny. But they know. They’ve made this face a lot lately, they seem lighter; they seem fuller. I could watch the same face and hear the same corny joke every day for the rest of my life, and laugh like it was new. I could watch them smile until my eyes burned out. I wanted this to be unattached but I feel their joy in my chest, and I’m so thankful for that. I’m so thankful for this.