i'm so sorry i'm so sorry, dear flower in my garden
you were the blooming life in this

jungle of growing souls
but i picked you up, disconnecting you

from your lovely source
you started to rot and slowly crippled


it was all my fault it was all my fault
when i picked up my beloved flower.

I can’t see the things you say.
You say that you care and that you love me,
but when I’m around you I feel useless ... worthless.
I have few things in this world that make my life worth living
and those are the things that you threaten to take away
that you threaten to get rid of.
I have cuts on my hips that you have never seen.
That you have never known about.
And when i look at them I see your name.
Oh, but don’t worry I see my father’s name as well.
They appear because it’s the only way I can feel
something other than worthless after speaking with you.
You don’t understand that when you yell
when you tell me I’m not even trying
that you ‘ll take away the only things that keep me alive
I feel horrible.
I feel worthless.
I feel like I don’t matter and that I never have.
You want me to be my sister…
you want me to be you,
but I can’t change who I am.
I am my own person and I guess that isn’t a good thing
at least not in this family.
You carried me for nine months
you gave birth to me.
you raised me.
But you shove me down and take my life away
because it doesn’t suit the way you want things.
The way you want me to be.
I’m sorry I have an opinion that’s not yours
and that I fight for what I believe and think
rather than submitting to your will.
I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you.
I’m sorry that you ever had a second daughter.
I’m sorry I’m here.
I’m sorry...

We all have addictions, you were mine. As much as I'll never admit it to you, you run through my veins and poison my blood.

They say to not smoke past the number on the bottom of the cigarette but I do anyway in hopes of burning your breath out of my lungs, giving myself a new reason to struggle to breathe rather than the thoughts of you.

Tainted like an iron brand your name is imprinted. I scratch at the deepest corners of my mind trying to get rid of it but somehow you're still there.

My lips, memories of yours on them, biting off skin hoping it will take off your old touch.

I have changed the bed sheets more times than I can count but still your presence lingers, sitting on the edge, smirking.

All these thoughts of you and still I know I do not even cross your mind.

I thought you were gone permanently but forever was mistaken for just a moment in time, and here you are again, clouding my mind.

I don't know if there's something inside of me,
besides these bitterly sober words.
I'm falling faint, or am i just falling?
S H I T.
I have a lot of aspirations.
So much I need to do.
I need to be alive.
I need to breathe.
I need to feel normal.
I need...
A beginning to this ending feeling.

The Saddest Part
Is That I Messed Up
Okay?!

But You Just
Didn't Have To Leave!
Why Couldn't You Just Stay!
Why?!!

To the sweet boy who can't get a read on me:

I'm sorry.

I will use you up and leave you dry...
and I think you would like to use me up too.

The problem with that is,
there's so very little left of me to use up.

So kiss me,
and try not to see the tears,
try not to taste the bitterness,
and I promise I won’t tell you his name.

I thought I could put you in a box
I was wrong
I thought I could work you out like math
I was wrong

I thought this was what you'd say
You said something else
I thought you were one way
You were another

But it was the same about me

I tried to put myself in a box
I tried to work myself out like math
But I'm more than that,
And I can't figure it out

I thought I was supposed to say this
But I should have said something else
I thought I was one way
But I was another

I tell myself that I don't know you
But I don't know me

And that is much worse.

Is It Me?
Am I The Reason
People Always
LEAVE?