I'm sorry I wasn't a good friend from the start. I should have put down the phone and put in the effort to talk to you. I'm sorry you took me to another state for two weeks and it didn't seem like I was paying any attention to you. I did pay attention to you but when I did you were upset with me. I'm sorry that I was so scared of losing her that I nearly lost you. I'm sorry that while I was there it didn't seem like I was having fun because I was on the phone all the time. I really did enjoy being there with you and I'm very happy I got to spend your 18th birthday with. I guess  I just wanna say sorry because I let a relationship get in the way of our friendship and I know it was wrong. Most of all I'm sorry that I'm too scared to apologize to you and that I wrote it here instead.
And now
Thank you, thank you for giving me experiences and adventure that I can't have on the island I grew up on. Thank you for being one if my best friends throughout the years we've known each other and putting up with my crap. Thank you for understanding that this other person made me happier than I have been since you've known me. Thank you for being there to comfort me when all I did was cry because I couldn't figure out which boy I had a crush on and thank you for doing it again when the boy I had a crush on couldn't go to prom with me. Thank you for giving me more than one second chance to prove to you that I wanted to stay in your life.

I am sorry for who I am.
I am sorry for getting jealous.
I am sorry for making you feel bad.
I am sorry for my tears.
I am sorry for my mood swings.
I am sorry for my insecurities.
I am sorry that you worry so much.
I am sorry that I  get scared.
I am sorry that I push you away.
I am sorry that I am weak.
I am sorry that I need you so much.
I am sorry that I let you fall in love with me.
But baby,you were so different.
You made me feel so so special.
For some reason I actually believed this could work. You and I.
It honestly was my biggest wish but I guess a sick person can't be with a healthy person.
I could never explain all of this and you probably won't understand and that is totally ok. I don't want you to see the world in my eyes. You see this world so differently, it makes you happy just to live. Maybe that's another reason why I fell in love with you. Maybe I hoped that I could also fall in love with living again,and I did for a while and I am so thankful for that. But this kind of sadness doesn't just go away and I should have known,I really wish I could have been the one to make you happy.
The one you could go on adventures with. The one you could marry some day. After all,I love you more than anything and I always will.
That sounds childish but it's true.
You showed me light in a time filled with darkness. I love you.

I'm sorry
For feeling like this
I'm sorry for having a loving heart
I'm sorry
I'm sorry you're so easy to love
I'm sorry you're so easy to fall for
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry for falling for you
I'm so sorry for wanting you how you don't want me
I'm sorry

I will write these words with all that I have, and I will beg for your sake and not mine to be let down time and time again, to fall forty feet and hit the concrete until it's dyed red. I am not a delicate human, I am not someone who can sit still, I will fill my lungs and body with fire and desire, I will **** the good to spite the bad and beg the good to come back,
baby come back.

I don't want to be like the one I hate, I don't want to hurt everything in the way of me, I don't want to be a selfish broken thing, I don't want to be this, but I am scared, and very few care to hear that because I've said it for years, and I know how exhausting it must be to try to heal me.
But I never ******* asked for your attempts.
It's exhausting to see the sun and acknowledge it's presence, how you wish it could make you feel. It's exhausting to feel your chest close off and your lungs collapse for minutes at a time because something isn't going right, it's exhausting to refuse love and induce yourself into a numb coma of emptiness and lies and black voids for words. Everything I say means nothing, for I am empty, I am empty until I get stung. I get stung and I am scared.
I am scared to feel, I am scared to love.
I am so ******* scared to love anyone.
I am scared to be left.
I am just scared.
I am so scared and it is nauseating.

I **** up,
I make mistakes,
I am unreeling and I am learning
and I am young
and I am exploding
and trying and wanting
and I am also so haunted.
I don't know how to fight off my demons unless it evolves unspeakable things, but I sure as hell know how to summon them too constantly, I sure as hell know how to play with them and make them love me, I know how to manipulate them to where they don't want to leave.
I'm scared they never will.

I don't want to be saved,
I want to drown, I want to fall, I want to escape.
I want to be resurrected by your hate.
I want to be love in a really ugly place.
I don't need this. I never did.
I am sorry for being this way but love,

I'm not sorry for being me.

I would trade my future for one last minute with you,
Cut into my memories and give the best slice to you,
Dance in the street wearing only my flaws for you,
Buy the finest brushes to paint my thoughts for you.

imissyouandiloveyouandineedyou

But life isn't fair, and my ****** job can only buy so many plane rides a year to see you.
And all of the love in the world from me can't generate love from you.
If I wrapped up the galaxy in a fancy box with a bow, it wouldn't mean a thing to you.
I could hide myself in my broken pieces, but I would have to send a map to you.

imissyouandiloveyouandineedyou

And in that moment
As it hits my side,
I realize
It's always been there