I didn’t trip
I leaned
into the absence of resistance
into the soft collapse
into the moment before the bruise
when gravity feels more like permission
than punishment
I used to brace for everything
the call, the silence
the way someone’s eyes would flicker
when I said too much
I thought strength was in the holding,
the clenching
the refusal to bend
but falling
falling is a kind of knowing
a kind of surrender that doesn’t ask for applause
it’s the body saying
I’m done pretending to be a wall
I remember the first time I let go
not of a person
but of the idea that I had to be okay
it was quiet
no dramatic unraveling
just a slow exhale
that didn’t ask to be caught
there’s power in that.
in the way the floor doesn’t flinch
when you meet it
in the way the air rearranges itself
to make room for your descent
I’ve fallen in love
fallen out of belief
fallen into patterns I swore I’d outgrow.
each time
I learned something about the shape of my own edges
how they soften when I stop resisting
how they cut when I do
falling isn’t failure
it’s movement
it’s the body remembering it doesn’t have to hold everything
it’s the soul whispering
you’re allowed to be held
even by the ground

Come lay beside me
Hold me for awhile
Wrap me gently in your arms
Touch me with your smile

Come and close your pretty eyes
Let’s just drift away
Hold me tightly in your sleep
I am here to stay

When you finally wake
I’ll be holding you
Wipe the dreams from your eyes
Just hold on to what is true

9/16/21

May contain triggers

Her eyes are blue, but sometimes they look green
or grey in the light, or brimmed with tears
in my lap, in my arms
she cried and cried and cried
questioning why
His eyes were blue, but they had yellow in them
Sometimes they would also look green, or grey, or sometimes black with his emotions that he kept to himself, questioning why
nobody knew, and why nobody cared
when his breathing became tight, and his arms
became sandpaper
and his body didn't seem like his own
Scared
full of fear
Eyes that saw and didn't see, eyes that would no longer
open and his chest would not breathe
and I would beg him to take a breath
that wasn't there
Her eyes were green, so green with glints of color
Loneliness became glitter that made her eyes shine
with gold, and silver that twinkled in the light
Her clothes stayed unfolded in the corner of her room,
and her necklaces stayed locked away
Her songs became silent melodies that no one would listen to
and the place that she treasured, she hated school
Her eyes were brown, from once blue they grew to black
like obsidian, with anger that she'd never tell
we'd all question why, and who hurt her
in this family of barbed wire
and glass eggshells
Her eyes that became amber in the light,
and the eyes that people ignored and avoided
the eyes that love too easily, but pushed away too fast
the eyes that cry, and cry
while punches get thrown
His eyes are green, but people say they're blue
from the grandmother to the child, they'd not shared much words
But he stays alone, eyes locked on a screen
because it's all he has, his father is miles away
his mother does not listen, and he looks in the mirror
with hate in his eyes, looking for the God he questions is real
begging him to listen, but he cries out with rage
Her eyes are blue, with dark on the outside
Her eyes are full of pain, and with anger
and with a coldness that isn't comforting
Her eyes are the ones I avoid, and fear fills me
if I stare too long,
Her eyes are fascinating, because they're not green
nor grey nor brown
they're the morning sky before noon has taken the day
they're the ones that went through all and went through none
always questioning, not feeling, always wondering
thinking past her worries, and thinking of a fantasy
Her eyes seem brown sometimes, her eyes seem blue
I can never place the color, perhaps they are emerald
maybe they are golden, or perhaps the color of coffee
they are the eyes of terror, of a child grown too fast
of a smile held by the child within her,
questioning her life, questioning her scars
drinking away her worries, drinking away her fears
Draining her sleep, so she'd get what she deserved
But it was never what she deserved
her are the eyes that needs to be held but cannot trust
hers is the eyes that cannot feel
her eyes is one of whom is lost, of whom can't find
something to grab on to so she is forever drowning
My eyes are brown, and always wishes to change
the color, the way it shines,
Wishing it would change into another person
who deserved the life she has
Eyes that spent childhood crying
In front of people, and stared into nothingness
the locations changed, slowly going behind locked doors
until it wasn't her eyes that cried, but her skin
the droplets slowly forming on her wrists,
down her elbow then down the drain
The eyes that are black, a void that cannot be filled
always thinking, never stopping,
even when sleep takes them, placing it's warm hand
on the lids
Until she wakes with no recollection
and thinks again of stained carpets and waters
50 feet below her
and windows into the ice that could drain
her energy into the earth
that she's beaten and burned and loved
into the life that she'll take into the one she'll hold

As I sift through my bathroom shelves,
I ponder over items I made space for, but never used,
Why did I accept what didn't work for me in the first place?
As if with passing time, our chemistry will change.
As if I will come to appreciate that strawberry lotion,
Or the beige foundation sample will grow to blend with my darker skin tone.
Three bags of discarded items later, I gain clarity.
I will be discerning about what I welcome into my space
To only hold space for - what brings me joy.
To only entertain what truly resonates with my spirit.

my soul cries,

and i know, i know souls cannot cry, but if they could, mine would, forever,

and always,

the wind brushes the soul that cries, and my face wets with the invisible tears,

for my pain is deeper than water, deeper than sand, it is the pain we all hold above us,

i hold all their pain.

When you feel down
Don’t know what to do
When you need somebody
Hold on, I’m coming to you

When you’re lonely
And you need a friend
When you’re feeling so blue
Hold on, I’m coming to you

Hold on, hold on, hold on
I’m coming to you
Hold on, hold on, hold on
I’m coming to you


When you’re far away
And you want me so near
Whatever you do
Hold on, I’m coming to you

When we’re alone
And its only me and you
You can hold on
Hold on, I’m coming to you

Hold on, hold on, hold on
I’m coming to you
Hold on, hold on, hold on
I’m coming to you