I want to die, oh God, not again.
"What can I do to help, babe?"
I don't know, I don't know.
Laying on the floor trying so hard
Not to grab the knives you collect in your drawer
To find the sharpest one
Test each blade on my skin.
Not to die because I know people need me
But just to release some of this ******* pressure in
my chest, so no I don't know how you can help.
Have a maple tap?
Just put it in my artery and let me drain
Because I'm so full of anger and longing
and I don't know how to process this ****
and no you can't help me
my therapist is helpless
and I don't know how to fix this.
So please just *******, okay?
Wait no, I didn't mean it.
You know what, whatever.
******* too, **** everything.

Every time
you kiss my nose
good-night.
Read me stories at night.
Hug me in your arms.
Keep me safe from harm.
You are so special to me,
you mean more than anything.
I love you,
yes,
I love you so much.

I used to hurt myself every single day
Used to maybe to go a week at best without fresh wounds
Used to need it to get through the day

And it's difficult to explain
And it's different for everyone that chooses to feel pain
Cause that is exactly what it is choosing to feel pain
It's wanting to not be numb
Wanting to feel alive
Wanting to feel anything other than that emptiness
Because the emptiness is the heaviest thing you will never have
It's like filing your heart up with rocks
Feeling it sink in your chest

And that heaviness at first is just a symptom
It ***** but you push forward
But it gets heavier and you slowly loose control
Instead of growing stronger the weight just wears you out
And son you feel the weight piling on more than ever
Every time they...
...call you a name...
...push you down...
...use you...
...ignore you...
...abuse you...

And it builds and builds and you can't keep going
And you start to wonder what if I just didn't exist
And the thought scares you to death but you feel so helpless
And you can't keep carrying the weight in you heart without help
So every single day the though come up
What if you just died

And every day it seems more and more like a better idea
Because you're tired of crying yourself to sleep
And you're tired of always feeling alone and unwanted
And everything is so numb that it hurts
So you give it a shot and it's messy
It always is the first time
And there's blood
But for once you don't feel like you have a heart full of rocks
Instead your heart is racing from the rush
And you feel something
Its painful and awful but it's something
And its nice but not necessary

So a few weeks later on you're at your breaking point again
And you put steel to skin
And the blood arises from the **** like a mountain spring
And your body feels the rush all over again
Before you know it every day is a pain and all you want is to feel
So you're like me
Slit your wrists before bed
Cuts in the mouth in the morning
And the torment all day between the two

And you're not destroying your body because you're suicidal
You aren't doing it oping you'll die
You're not ripping flesh from flesh because you want attention
The horror inst worth a few glances

You're spilling blood like a warlord committing crimes only against your own body because you're trying desperately to stay alive and only in this bleeding, in this pain can you find any peace from the pain of existence and the voice inside you that tell a you just to give up and die already

It's counter-intuitive but it's what keeps you alive for another day

I'm sitting, on my bed, I just woke up
Have to turn off my alarm, already stressed enough
I take it, feel the horrid taste in my mouth
As I make it drown, with the water that last night I left out

Flushed down, it should hold any second
I take a breath and
Ask myself the burning question...
Why the **** am I depressed then?

Flashbacks to times I couldn't sleep
Crying to myself, why the **** is it I feel weak?
Why the **** is it me? Why do I feel empty?
Hollow hearted, where has it departed, I feel so lonely!

Gaps in my memory and gaps in its effectiveness
I still wear a smile just to feel like I'm rejecting it
Placebo effect and pretend that I'm still proud of me
But see this shrouding me? You're **** right you should've doubted me!

Fifteen minutes of reminding myself I'm nobody special
It feels like ten years on Death Row
Berating myself, why aren't I better, why can't you hold hope?
A vicious cycle on a motorcycle, kick the chair and let go!

I still have thoughts of suicide
In the short time it takes for me to find my lifeline
Here it comes, thanks for the pickup
The only time I can say I'm thankful that I took drugs

everyone has scars
they don’t want others to see
including me
mine just so happen to be
written on my body

this body
holds more darkness
than the galaxies have ever seen
these hands can’t hold a thing
but scars underneath
from swimming in oceans
alone, trying to breathe

now i find myself
in deep waters again
the ever tightening gyre
pulling me back
into its cold embrace
but i find comfort in the same
gray hues of mental illness
i’ve lived in for years
its broken here
but it’s home
with cracks in the foundation
and holes punched in the walls
why have i let this become my home?

it’s become lonely here
but don’t get me wrong
i wouldn’t wish this upon anyone else
to have so much pain within
or to hate themselves enough
they want to starve and scar
their own beautiful bodies or
their own beautiful skin
why am i feeling
so numb again
?
3/31/2019

Toxic Healer

Reflecting wildly in reminiscent, eternal seconds,
I am not a bird or cat,
Cutting savagely in fractured minds,
Foolish I couldn’t see that,

I am an agitated growling beast,
Trying to help but tearing to shreds,
Treatment is a butchers surgery,
Selfish nature leaving me a feast,

Devilish smile in mask under slashing claw,
Yodeling certain sorrows that dawn wise learned woes,
Reciting what I see or once saw,
Growing flaws as nature flows,

Poison injected through playful bites,
Seconds too late, to mean no harm,
Temper short, I angrily try to help,
Chest tight in guilty grievance,

Envy for those who don’t feel,
Cold logic, calculated risks, emotions sealed,
I can’t help but try to heal,
Counting more hurt then helped,

Not my intention,
A point that is moot,
Facts lay in observed convection,
I truth I can’t refute,

Ever willing to learn,
To help heal and assist,
Breathe life that develops into a burn,
Over-focused there was always something I missed,

A just hell I feel their pain,
Caused by me or not,
I feel them scream, distressed,
So I take the shot,

Chastise and stare all you want,
One never knows when they are ready,
I try to grow steady,
At the end it’s me, my failures haunt,

Should I altogether stop?
I refuse to hate or abandon folk,
People trying to make it through their day,
Hearts guarded like seems of moccasins,

Maybe people shouldn’t come to me,
Sorry for the toxins,