i had my words stolen from me time and time before strips of duct tape placed over my mouth to keep me silent because it was wrong of me to feel anything but happy
and really i’m okay these words bled out from the ink in my pen were the raw emotions felt that i couldn’t seem to verbalize pieced together into these innocent little stanzas that everyone seems to write from time to time so what’s the harm that comes from a few lines?
and if i wanted them out there i would have told you either shouted from the mountain tops or whispered in the dark if i wanted you to know trust me you would have known
but instead of dripping onto paper the ideas, the emotions, the pain whatever you want to call it buried itself inside me became ammunition in a then loaded gun pointed at my head until it became too much where any little thing could just pull the trigger but it was always better to keep me silent right?
so think think twice before you steal these words from me again because this time around the ammo locks into my fiery tongue not afraid to fight back anymore because I’ve found my words again no thanks to you 1/27/2019
toxic relationship silence words stolen steal mute
i will kneel on this floor over and over again for as long as it takes to scrub the words of self hate away from even the deepest crevice of my mind and the darkest parts of my soul so i can finally begin love myself again
i was at work this evening sweeping back and forth back and forth and back and forth ...12 times mind plagued with compulsions, ocd, anxieties i hear the whispers muttered by those who think that u were the one who did this to me wow, u really drove me mad, drove me crazy!
but back to the scene at hand i hear the opening notes of that band i know and that song that became so comfortable and oh so familiar ...zz top, sharp dressed man
i’m taken into a trance this image of you smiling on this couch oh so deceiving, yet so inviting i give in and sneak a glance of you playing your own one man air band drums and guitar with you’re long hair flying everywhere like a crown around your head ...before those toxins turned your hair as thin and frail as you
there’s a tug at my heart and it hurts a little what’s this feeling? i haven’t felt this towards you in a while but it comes by sometimes hand in hand with that deceiving smile for a fleeting moment ...i miss u? before i remember what lay behind that venomous grin
then i’m angry for once not at you but at myself i hate you! i hate you i’m supposed to hate you right?
i didn’t know what to feel before i felt that familiar sensation a heavy weight in my chest as my heart rate speeds up and i have to pull myself back into reality quick! before i lose control thoughts spiraling around me focus on something else anything else! anxieties, ocd, compulsions maybe it’ll ease the weight on my chest i grip the broom in my small, sweating, trembling hands and begin to sweep back and forth back and forth and back and forth ...24 times this time 1/22/2019