She was hurt and confused. She didn’t know what she wanted and hated putting him through her cycle of immaturity. She hated writers that describe her by “She” instead of writing her name.
He doesn’t know what I want. ****, I don’t even know if I know what I want. I think I want him but how can I be sure. He doesn’t like it when I don’t talk and ignore him but this texting thread is the only safety I have from him. If he is frustrated with me, he won’t be able to care. Wow. This should just be a business opportunity: “Don’t buy trojans, try ******* that special someone off.”
“So, are we going to talk or?”
Here he goes again, it’s my fault. I shuffle my feet and remind him that I don’t have a topic to talk about.
“I think I am going to be single soon.”
“Why?”
“Well, when you answer my question, I can answer.”
Another ploy to try and get me to open up, I won’t fall for it.
“That is unfair.”
It really isn’t though. I think I totally should be talking, I just don’t want to be his. Not like this, not right now. This isn’t reasonable.
Love isn’t reasonable. Stay out of my mind you filthy serpent. You know nothing of who I am or what I have to go through to sit across from him. This flask is near empty and I can barely entertain a conversation. Holding his hand feels like a roller coaster that you know could ride right off the tracks. Beautiful. Terrifying.
“Here we are again, in silence.”
“Sorry...”
I don’t know why I apologize to him every time he says I don’t entertain him enough. I’m not his puppet, I would like his hands to be all over and inside me. Wow, nice thought there, really helpful for this whole avoidance thing.
“Do you want to fight?”
“No, but it feels like we are going to. We always do.”
Why did I say that? I need to stop. I need to keep going, I’m not even light headed anymore.
shuffling, rejection, awkward apology
“Sorry, I just can’t, I can’t do that.”
“It’s fine.”
“Are you just going to keep being mad and not talking?”
Fight with me, fight with me, please.
“I said I’m fine”
“But you are not fine. If you are going to be like this... let me out of the car”
“I’m not like that, even if you hate me, I can take you home.”
I ******* hate that about him but I love it.
“Let me out.”
(Please don’t)
