dizzying drips in the espresso's wake
pool of foam on the counter's face

facade of daily blather
hiss of saucer's edge
rusty change scattered loose.

in this,
I find the mystery of human use.

what we're for
why we're there

the arm that pours
the lips that curve

the standing, tired legs that shout

"I serve."
"I did it." and

"I'm  f**ing out."

Head exploding
life seems too fast
to find out what I'm thinking
I wonder if my strength
is going to last.

I crawled into bed
with you last night
first time in years
we've been segregated
by my exhaustion
and my fears.

To feel your flesh again
made my headache worth it
but nothing will take away
the ache that I feel
for the love of myself.

Self acceptance is what I need
I'm better than I thought
but the lingering mistrust
of how I'm going to be
scuppers me at every turn.

If I could just relax
on the inside
and let my self be happy
I think I would be happier.

Sometimes I sleep so **** long
    
  The fabric of my dreams rots around me*

                                             **And im left lying on a cold unforgiving slab of reality.

Worn
They -- fall
Slowing down sight
I draw closer and closer
Then --
Flutter to stay awake and realize I'm not ready for this
I'm not yet able to enter that dark place of meditation
-- But
I feel it coming more swiftly
My heavy eyes falling
With every
Last shutter
Closer
Closer
No -- yes
Sleep.

The heat crowds me.
My exhaustion drowns me.
I want to breath underwater.

Let me just rest my eyes.
Uno. Dos. Tres. Bang! Bang!

Shotguns jolt me up as I scramble to puzzle
the pieces back together.

Water spills over itself and to the floor.

An empty room in silence.

Waiting.

Uno. Due. Tre.

You will forget this. I promise.

I adore you.

But I’m just too tired.

He; inexhaustible yet exhausting,
Ruthlessly efficient yet demanding,
Hard working yet withholding,
Barbed
Yet deemed necessary.
Protecting that which
Long ago was made sacred;
The heart, the hearth, the home,
None may touch that hallowed ground.
Defence was needed
Safety paramount
And then...

The years passed...

This ninja warrior endured
Defended
Sliced, hacked, diverted, whirled in endless pirouettes
Of engaged battles
Of mesmerising movement
Of unrelenting actions
Of no consequence
For the mighty goal of protecting
That
Which
Was now all but forgotten.

So effective was his defence
Of the thing called 'home'
That it was hidden from all view
Forgotten
Beneath his whirling dexterity of projects and activities.

The years passed...

And there was no home.

Never did the warrior stop to question his task
That old old command.
He simply obeyed
As a warrior should
And continue
Until his death
To protect the property of his master

The result
a hollow, busy, lonely life,
Punctuated by exhaustion
And the question....
"What's missing? "

But so complete was his defense
So skillful his guard
That none saw what lay beneath.
Too mesmerised by his motions to see that
He was but a distraction
A diversion
From the question which would strike such fear into his masters heart
"What will happen if I stop?"

If I could unravel the knots that bind these bones, my fingers would grow numb.
My wrists would crack.
My flesh would age.
& strand by strand I'm tied to be undone.

All in hopes the roots that thrived would begin to thirst again.
Gripped around each twig of mine, I race against constriction.
Pulling every which way.
Stalking every traveled end.
Unbinding every corner of this mindless, commanding restriction.

three years ago, I hesitantly explored the blue oceans of your eyes and discovered what it felt like to feel loved. you healed a broken girl- picked up the pieces and put me back together, leaving bits of you as you worked.

two years ago, you took my healed and happy heart on top of the ferris wheel and promised to never give up on us. we spent that year running around the fields, kissing in the snow and under the rain, and imagining our future.

one year ago, we were laughing under the stars in that field, loving each other madly, and enjoying what I didn't know would become our lasts.

today, you are somewhere happy ( I assume), and I am here.
tonight, I will drown in the memory of those blue eyes I fell for three years ago.
tomorrow, it will **** me, and my exhaustion of this pain will let it-


because loving you was the best thing I ever knew, but apparently I was not for you.

I am tired, physically
Feeling my mental exhaustion.
The rhythm of my life takes me
Where I would rather not go:
Places embraced by a fog of fatigue,
While I experience moments of weirdness.

It taught so much, about myself, about us.
It took so much, of my time, energy, and personnality.
Is it enough, and does it worth it ?
Because giving myself to others is scary....
Am I able to retrieve what I gave
When I am free of responsibilities ?

I am not certain, because I feel loneliness.
I feel that there isn't that many people like us.
I feel we are left to ourselves, and being not able
To ask for help, when it comes to recomposing.
Recomposing ourself. Resourcing our batteries, so,
When our weekends end, we could go back to helping others.