LATELY I'VE FOUND THAT TYPING IN ALL CAPS MAKES ME FEEL AS THOUGH I'M RELEASING SOME OF THE HORRIBLY REPRESSED EMOTIONS OF MY CHILDHOOD
LATELY I FEEL LIKE NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I WILL NOT SUCCEED
LATELY
LATELY I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HOW THE FUTURE IS UNCERTAIN YET I'M CERTAIN THAT IT DOESN'T REALLY HOLD MUCH FOR ME
LATELY
I've been withering.
It's getting
harder and harder to just keep smiling,
it's getting harder and harder to force myself to start trying,
it's getting
difficult
to get out of bed every morning.
Lately, things haven't been looking so great, it seems. The clouds in my head are creating
thunder around my vision
and lightning in my veins, begging
to strike.
Lately, I can't find motivation for anything.
Lately, I've spent more time quiet and alone than anything and that scares me.
Lately, I've been looking into dark things only to find certain things that should be terrifying are only exhilarating.
Lately I've been dreaming of nothing
because I've never been a dreamer
and I've never had any drive
and I've never had desire
and lately
I've been thinking about how I'm not actually passionate about anything.
Nothing is exciting.
Everything has been hazy lately.
I've been sleeping ten plus hours,
and lately that hasn't been enough for me.
Lately I've been...
struggling
to finish anything.
Lately
everything is exhausting.

Its 9.45
I could'nt feel less alive
I seem to be falling, sinking
In my own bed
And I hope that maybe
Just maybe
The mattress might swallow me whole

Do not leave me
not even for a day.

For a day is long,
difficult to understand

and one without you
exhausts me.

i haven't washed myself
in days

there's no point
because

it can't be washed away
anyway.

i do not want to sleep
in my clothes again
but i don't have the energy
to put my pyjamas
into the dryer.

Why am I tired?
Hmmm let me think.

You say maybe low blood sugar,
I'd say that's off the list.

Could it possibly be
From not sleeping for days
Due to worrying
Over silly things?

Or maybe,
It's the sadness that overwhelms me
Every day and every night

Perhaps,
It is from working too hard.
To keep everyone happy,
My grades up,
My smiles big.

So why am I tired?
Hmmm let me think.
I'd say it's probably
Not
From low blood sugar.

It's this lump in my throat that seizes to be swallowed.
The missing thoughts in my mind that keep me from reality.
There are burns on my wrist from the ropes that bind them.
My mouth is shut tight from the tape that conceals it.

It's the screaming in my head and the ringing in my ears.
The shake in my hands and the ache in my feet.
There is a burning in my muscles from the tension in my body.
My deserted frame is collapsing.

It's the filth in my bones that wont wash away.
The haunt of 2:00 am that relentlessly feeds this exhaustion.

I can feel your whip
when I pull you like a mule
I beg you to strike harder
because I can hardly feel

I am a dead horse
I'll show you my naked bones
admire their beauty
and watch my body rot

I stood in the water
tried to wash away my sins
tried to brush it off with steel
but my sentence is incomplete

You made me pull harder
and I fall deeper in the soil
mud beneath your fingers
is not like mud in my blood

You put out the fire
just to keep me in the dark
but I've been already blinded
and your whip strikes with brutal force

I try to speak up
but my lungs are full of stones
and lies you have seeded
make me pull once more

This is my last confession
I loved you and I don't
last whisper to the wind
may it carry ashes of joy