Sometimes
I just sit
And feel
The adrenaline
That courses
In my veins
Constantly
I caress it
Let it flow
Through my flesh
Feel it run
Down my spine
Through my arms
To the tips
Of my fingers
Sometimes it makes
Me sick
My stomach turns
Aches
My head beats
Loudly
Droning
To my pulse
Which is consistent
And fast
I smile
I love it
I want more
I feel like a
Maniac

As long as I can remember
I had this friend
Only, I didn't see her
I only felt her touch

At first, no one else saw her
She blended in with me
We appeared as one
And maybe we were

Over time, she grew impatient
She got louder, stronger
She'd rage and throw fits
But they still didn't see her

She learned to scream from my lips
Shutting me down
She took control over me
And I hid beneath her

She told me she'd protect me
And I believed every word
She had always been there
So there she ought to stay

Until she grew so loud
Others began to see
She shoved me so far down inside
And told me she knew best

Every thought, feeling, action
Was under her control
She held a toy gun to my head
And convinced me it was real

When she grew too loud,
Everyone could see
I didn't know
What was wrong with me

When I finally had the power
To put her in her place
She begged, clawed, and fought
Using every bit of strength

But I won

Now she sits quietly
Able to offer advice
Only when I ask her
Does she ever take control

Slowly but surely
I've found my way out
Of the cage she created
Deep within my self

sitting across from you
at the white kitchen table
or cross-legged on my side of the bed
is someone hollow.
not as sweet as a fig. not as dead
as the inside of a black rotting trunk
but close. i do not hold beautiful things
like a terracotta vase. inside my head
is a seam ripper that splits everything
down the middle. sometimes
you are standing in front of the bright window,
glowing like a saint. sometimes
i let you fall into an algae-lined pool
that i will not pay to have cleaned.
everything is floating within me.
i haven’t figured out
how to anchor this stuff down.

no one ever taught me how

I remember the feeling.
Like I was getting rid
Of every foul thing inside me.
I would feel so-
Empty.
But at the time
It was better than feeling everything.
And sometimes I would just lay there
And I would cry.
I was so ashamed
Of my bathroom coping mechanisms.
Brush my teeth
So the acid wouldn't make them yellow.
Appearances seemed to be important.
Had to be thin,
Had to be empty.

I didn't realize then
That I was wasting away
That there was another way
To purge my feelings.
But I know now.
I know now.

You saved me.

As I walk into a dark cave
I am not able to see
Until I turned on the torch.
I am confronted
By the sight and presence
Of fierce deities
The energy
Demonic
I realize
Am
Looking at my own demons.

Unfortunately
Some scars
Are
Not
always
Seen
By
The
Naked eye
Or glasses.

I know two siblings; I'm closer to one
The younger is more forgiving
You can't have your cake and eat it too
So I chose the older; seems more loving
She comes by at least three times a day
Sometimes stays for hours or more
I love and admire her, she gives me control
Myself I despise down to the core
People tell me she's not one to call friend
But I thrive on every time she checks in
She urges me to surrender at every turn
I'm fighting a battle I don't want to win

Stickers and wires riddle your chest
Complicatedly tethering you to your room,
Where you watch the morning news in socks,
Pairs of socks and blankets
That can’t stop the coldness of the tile
From slipping through your skin,
Goosebumps, the cold grabs hold of your leg
And pulls it out from under you.
Cold, when the needle enters your skin,
Even colder, waiting for someone,
Clean sheets but not like home
Fresh pressed and sanitized,
Tube up your nose, down your throat,
A get well soon card watches.

If I sketched an angel without wings
would you be able to tell
she’s an angel?
The sky behind her would be pale yellow
The world below, gray
Like the color of the outline of her frame
I’d describe her face as angelic
Which is supposed to give it away
But maybe you’d only say she looks nice