I have a fear of being left
that one day someone
family, friend, or lover
will disappear from my life
as if they were never there
and I would never know why
this irrational fear haunts me
but there is another fear that hurts me even more
if I left my someone
would they feel the same as I would
when I disappear, would no one even blink
would anyone wonder where I went
how everything went wrong
I am terrified that it wouldn't bother them at all
it is not the fear of being left
it is the fear of never being missed
that is so irrational yet so burdensome

I wish I could fly away elsewhere
To a world removed from here
Heaven is not found in the clouds or air
That is what I truly fear
Because although this life is painfully unfair
I'm not ready to die and forever disappear

The man who never was
Among a myriad of people
A shadow cast over water
Continually changing shape
Seen yet absent in presence
Opaque ... Yet a void
The man who never was
Translucent illusion
I could swear I heard him speak
Or was it simply the return of an echo from long ago
Again he didn't stand on the pier last night
Where he had never stood before
Therefore I ceased from looking for him
In places I knew he never was
The man who never was

It had gained power over me.
No panic attacks.
No angst to hurt myself.

I was told I was not worthy
of all of that anymore.
It told me, "we are not eighteen anymore",
we got no time to waste.

I slid into darkness and it
welcomed me as an old friend.

"This is a safe place",
one in which no one can
hurt you,
you do not have to be
afraid of who to trust.

In here time passes by,
your dreams fade away,
while a feeling of hopeless
fills the room in.

You do not have to be afraid.
This is the perfect time to disappear.

Darkness hold my hand,
it gave me a hug,
"it is ok to let go",
it was time to let go.

Sometimes I wish I could disappear
They never guessed this would rip me in half,
This is ripping me in half.
But it’s fine,
It’s just fine.
I can’t get high anymore,
I can’t get high because I need more and more and more and it’s never enough. It’s never enough to forget.
It’s never enough to forgive.
I can taste metal in my dreams—
this is all the life I’ll ever need.

on my calender, I have marked
the perfect day to drown.
for the day I will drown will be the most tranquil of them all
the ocean will be perfectly still, not a wave in sight.
the moon high above will not pull the tide.
the creatures in the sea will travel away.
for the day I will drown will be the quietest of them all
the world around me will watch in silence
as I walk towards the center of the ocean
and lie down to drown
the only ripples will be from my steps
for I have chosen to drown
a choice of my own, not the ocean's
my body will sink as if I'm drifting asleep
my bed of water will slowly lower down
to the bottom of the ocean
for it is the perfect day to drown

I lay my foot here
On the traces of the side
And follow the floor
As if it is a guide.
It's sort of a game
I like to play with the stone
Whenever I am walking alone.
Maybe they see me
Skipping always twice
And following the sidewalk
In a strange zigzag
But maybe they don't mind.

Just when I think I've finished fading,
Something makes me leave even more.