The man who never was
Among a myriad of people
A shadow cast over water
Continually changing shape
Seen yet absent in presence
Opaque ... Yet a void
The man who never was
Translucent illusion
I could swear I heard him speak
Or was it simply the return of an echo from long ago
Again he didn't stand on the pier last night
Where he had never stood before
Therefore I ceased from looking for him
In places I knew he never was
The man who never was

It had gained power over me.
No panic attacks.
No angst to hurt myself.

I was told I was not worthy
of all of that anymore.
It told me, "we are not eighteen anymore",
we got no time to waste.

I slid into darkness and it
welcomed me as an old friend.

"This is a safe place",
one in which no one can
hurt you,
you do not have to be
afraid of who to trust.

In here time passes by,
your dreams fade away,
while a feeling of hopeless
fills the room in.

You do not have to be afraid.
This is the perfect time to disappear.

Darkness hold my hand,
it gave me a hug,
"it is ok to let go",
it was time to let go.

Sometimes I wish I could disappear
They never guessed this would rip me in half,
This is ripping me in half.
But it’s fine,
It’s just fine.
I can’t get high anymore,
I can’t get high because I need more and more and more and it’s never enough. It’s never enough to forget.
It’s never enough to forgive.
I can taste metal in my dreams—
this is all the life I’ll ever need.

on my calender, I have marked
the perfect day to drown.
for the day I will drown will be the most tranquil of them all
the ocean will be perfectly still, not a wave in sight.
the moon high above will not pull the tide.
the creatures in the sea will travel away.
for the day I will drown will be the quietest of them all
the world around me will watch in silence
as I walk towards the center of the ocean
and lie down to drown
the only ripples will be from my steps
for I have chosen to drown
a choice of my own, not the ocean's
my body will sink as if I'm drifting asleep
my bed of water will slowly lower down
to the bottom of the ocean
for it is the perfect day to drown

I lay my foot here
On the traces of the side
And follow the floor
As if it is a guide.
It's sort of a game
I like to play with the stone
Whenever I am walking alone.
Maybe they see me
Skipping always twice
And following the sidewalk
In a strange zigzag
But maybe they don't mind.

Just when I think I've finished fading,
Something makes me leave even more.

I am not here, I am not there
You will not find me… Not anywhere

I have not run away, I have not disappeared
I am close. I am closer then I appear

Not sure how to type what I feel
When all of these feelings just make me feel so lost and ill

This is not a rebellion. This isn’t out of frustration
You are not the enemy; I have nothing against your radiation.

In the night I have gone like the wind
But I am alive and well, this is not out of sin.

I am not gone, just hidden away for a while
You know all my locations, all my places, you know my style.

I could be anywhere, but you know where I go
I am not gone; I’m just no longer home… I’m solo

My number code now a mystery, but you know my accounts
You know and have more then what you realize. You have the amount.
You know my people, you know my spots
Although I am physically cold, my heart is burning hot

Forgive me for the pretty little lies, and for my acts and stories
My wrong, my bad, I am sorry. I greatest my apologies.

I am not fooling around with strangers, or with the fools of this earth
I am safe, and I am close by. I am not shutting you out, I’m building my own turf

Watch the black now fade away, the spikes dim and become dull
For I am independently going on this journey on my own, it’s quite the hull

I’m sick of disappointing, I’m sick of the back and forth, I want to truly know
Jesus in the desert for days, Moses on the Mountain, and Elijah with the birds sought Him alone.

Days, and weeks of isolation, alone with Him.
I want to know!!! I Need to seek and find!!! I am so sick of guess’n!!!

As far as I can tell, this is God’s leading, and if it isn’t, He can work it all out
I won’t know until I take the first step into this unfamiliar world. I promise I am safe and sound

Trying to be discerning, and wise with every step I take, as far as I can tell
I can’t hear him when many are shouting. When too many feel the need to yell.

Not abandoning the problem. I’m not abandoning His Call
I am looking for peace and answers. I want to be his Princess. He won’t let me fall.

I don’t hate you, there is no anger or disappointment in this heart
I swear I leave in peace and love, for I am hurting with this part

Dad, I know everything you said and did was only out of love
I know you didn’t mean to hurt and scar me, so I hid my scars with gloves
I know I disappoint, but I contain no anger. I need a moment and time
To ask and then receive, and to seek what I am trying to find
Answers

Mom, you are wonderful and beloved, I’m sorry if I made you feel so worried
I promise you; I am fine and safe and treasured and in good care. Please have no fury
I loved working alongside you and doing what I could to help
You did so much for me, and prayed like a warrior, breaking every spell
Blessing, that is what you are ♥

Rachel, it’s time for me to be trained on how to be a woman of service
I am on my knees like I’ve seen you done so many times. I’m encouraged
I’m sorry… But He has shown me his leading… So, I am just walking forward
I may not know where it takes me… But I swear it is HIM I am walking towards
Boldly

Dennae, I am praying for you and the things you struggle and ache with. I know the look
I’m going to miss your *******-up phrases and your unintentional jokes
But I need to go on a journey with my Savior for a while to know Thy way
He will change your heart, and your desires, you keep seeking His face.
Everything will change when you pray

Amy, I am sorry, but I tried to do what I could to be there for you
I tried to be the big sister I needed to be. I did what I could so you could see Him through
I love you little one. He has an amazing job planned for you ahead.
He has not forgotten nor abandoned you. Because for you, he bled.
Remember His Love

You can come, and see, and visit! You know where you can stop by
I am not dead; I can assure you, that I am very much alive.

Take care of my baby fluff, and the fish down below
Trying to follow His leading, and not drench myself so low…

Time to grow up, time to discover and learn.
He is the greatest teacher; He will protect me from the fires that burn

Gone indeed… But to really seek and discover what is in store
Alone and Solo, I depend on Him to really speak and show. My body on the floor

Don’t be worried, scared, or frightened, for I am in good hands
I love you; I miss you. You are not locked away from my stands

From the darkness, I escape, but only to seek the light
Forgive me, my beloved family… but I need to take this step… I’ll be alright

I may have crossed the line
But I know as long as I seek Him… and Surrender to Him, He’ll make everything fine…

Till I can see you again, Beloved Family

I wash my hands,
And wring them dry,
Watching my worries,
Disappear with the grey water,
Down the plughole of life.

these rustling leaves
         — as if the wind is saying hello to me
i can smell the creek from afar
      — and it jolts a memory in my mind
cold
        sad
              almost drowning
i was barely ten
but i was glad i was alive
but i won't be anymore if it happen again now

i can easily run away into the woods
     and
            make
                        all
                              my
                                      fears

                   d i s a p p e a r

i just wanna start again
with nothing to worry in my head
and make it as clear as this cold, running water

oh, what a time to be alive.