If I meant the slightest bit to you, you wouldn't let me let you go.

it is a slow awakening
that i crave
i thought i wanted you to fill me
with understanding
but lord, treat me with care
touch me in small ways
i know i have built a dam
to keep you out
but i have been drowning for so long
that i cannot tell help
from harm

Esther Krenzin

I’m always afraid of the worst
The fear just churns in my head
Fuelling more of my anxious thoughts
It’s an unfortunate cycle
That I’m desperately trying to break

if nothing happened and everything’s still normal.

there’s midnights where i hope you’d pick up and your voice would sound like steel and ice and you’d tell me to stop calling, that it’s been eight months since for ****’s sake and that you never want to hear from me ever again.

to think about it, you never even bothered to block my number. or my social media accounts. you couldn’t even be bothered to give a decent explanation when i found out about her. when i confronted you how it happened. how you met her in the midst of us. how you ended up with her even when i was still in the picture. as if you were just waiting for me to get out of it, both of your lives. like we never even happened to begin with.

there’s still midnights when my hands shake, my phone screen blurry from tears, my head pounding from the countless shots i’ve taken. midnights where i want to ask you “how?”, how you both are alright and happy and over the moon, while here i am, still stuck and miserable, still hopelessly pining for you-it's all unfair. how you got the guts to fall for her when you claimed you loved me with your unending professions. how you were able to walk away from what we had because you decided it’s her you wanted to be with. how you didn’t even have to move on from me. how all of these, those eight months seem so easy for the both of you. the hangover the morning after’s what makes me realize i did send you the recordings.

i tried to reach you again the midnight after, but the recording said that the number i have dialed has either been disconnected or no longer in service.

i guess you have finally changed your number.

-at least i know my messages reached you.

In my darkest dreams,
You lie there.
Awaiting me in dark hues of purples transforming into mist.

You smile, half-lipped in such a devilish way.
It leaves me in thrill.

You growl,
A low animalistic cry that you’ve kept prisoner for so long.

You howl.
As if I am your lunar eclipse,
And you have to have me before dawn.

In my deepest dreams,
You wait there.
Lying in dark hues of reds transforming into mist.

You reach for me;
Arms outstretched in a silent desperate plea.
I always comply.

We push and pull,
We Grapple into a tangled mess of filth and shame.

The air hangs heavy in a dark dream like this.

I awake,
Sweat on my brow,
And my mouth in a shape that can only say your name.

Like a hungry shark has loneliness again come to feed upon my heart and mind.
Ravenous and savage it feeds upon a soul that warmth and love has left behind.
Once again a mind and heart that love avoids is to the darkness lead.
Bloodied, mauled and torn to shreds, remnant carcass left floating dead.
Never sated and without remorse it tears, as it feeds there in the empty dark.
Savagely, ever feeding, ever gnawing, ripping into my souls last hopeful spark.
Hungry, starving, ravenous and in frenzy and seemingly never fully fed.
No worth, no value, adrift, no purpose to any futures' plan but still I am not dead.
Razor teeth intent upon taking every ounce of my last mortal dream and hope.
Until mind is convinced that it's only peace is best found in a loop of sturdy rope.
This is the game that shark and loneliness play so often within my heart and mind.
The shark, the loneliness, love or a length of rope who wins I am still yet to find.

"i'll see you soon
by the next full moon
it won't be long, just wait."

the next moon came
nothing had changed
it wasn't written in our fate.

"wish you were here
so i could hold you near
and talk and laugh all day."

it wasn't to be
so i'd wait patiently
there were rules we had to obey

four months have gone by
every day i have cried
just sad and feeling alone.

"i miss you too much
i so crave your touch
i'd rather be there than at home."

just come and meet me
we'll do it discreetly
we don't have to tell anyone.

"now i just miss you more
and it's left my heart sore
and wondering, what have we done?"

Here I am,
Dancing with the devils
All of them,
So desperate, so desperate

Here I am,
Dancing with the devils
Letting them deceive me,
Because I want to see their true faces

Here I am,
Dancing with the devils
Looking into their eyes, into their homeless souls

Here I am,
Dancing with the devils
Looking into their eyes, into their homeless souls
They think they can make a home in Hell,
None of them know
Hell wasn’t built for them
Hell was built for refugees of Heaven
For freedom, to be away from the devils carrying out Heaven’s deeds.

Here I am,
Dancing with the devils
To take a good look at everything Heaven doesn’t want to show