Dad,

Did you really mean the things you said to me? That one night.
Did you really mean to disown me at birth? That one afternoon.
Did you really mean to hurt me and the woman I love? That one day.

Before birth, dad, I learned love through closed fists.
I learned love through the smell of bourbon and the taste of whatever drugs were on your tongue that night.
I learned love through abandonment.

At the age of three months, I was naive.
I thought love was shown in the shapes of bruises.
I thought love was left in the burn marks.
I thought love was embedded into broken ribs.

I thought sleeping pills made you fly.
That’s why I cried for mama to take me with her.

At the age of seven, I was naive.
I believed you loved me.
I believed that I was the subject of every waking ballad you’d sing to me.
I believed that your rough hands rubbing lotion on me was out of love not pure obligation.

At the age of nine, I was naive.
I trusted your words.
I trusted your vows.
I trusted everything you’d say.
Yet, you never showed up.

But even love can’t make room in busy.

At the age of eleven, I was naive.
I waited for you.
I longed for you.
And some nights,
I cried for you.

But distance makes screams seem quieter than they seem.

At the age of thirteen, I was naive.
I needed you.
That year I tried to fly like mama.

No one cried for me.

At the age of sixteen, I was naive.
I was cutting the thought of you out of me.
I was cutting the half of me that belonged to you.
I bled out the portion that reminded me of you.

Dad, I’m scared.
I’m terrified that I forgot a piece of you.
That inside me, somewhere, is a part of you growing.

I don’t want to hurt the ones I love.
I don’t want to ruin everything I love.
I don’t want to make anyone feel the way you made me feel.

I fear that I'll grow up to be you.
Ruthless, mysterious, alone, aggressive,
And a coward.

But
At the age of 18, I wasn’t naive.
I pushed you away.
I cut all ties.
I disowned you this time.

At the age of 18.
You created sons,
You created a family.
The one you always wanted一
You finally found the true meaning of love.

Your youngest daughter,
Marrianna.

FATHER oh father where were you;
my crib is destroyed by time and clothing
many sizes smaller and scars upon my heart
and soul that lists many writ of loss
too lengthy for me to scribe!

Some memory still exists -– imagery through
thick glass.  once believed I be born
but now reside in resolve : you were never
birthed nor lived and me by mother
immaculate conception.

:: 03-14-2014 ::

don't get on my nerves
kiddo it
ain't your mother's
fault that you're
a sucker

daddys come like
torpedos
daddys are
torpedos

who are you though?

no sweet toddler
no child
no youngster

i don't give a **** about
you

i am your daddy kiddo
i am a torpedo kiddo

don't gimme that family
*******
you ain't nothing but a
kiddo

fortyfive year old
hangaround
deadbeat
***
leech

you're the harmless
version
toothless dracula

couldn't care less
about you

I’m sure it’ll be a great party
even though I’m dressed like a Barbie
it’s all in good fun
I won’t drink more than one
and they probably won’t even card me.

I’m sure the flyers aren’t serious
the cover girls all look delirious
the guys all wear suits
while the women “let loose”
but I can’t justify the criteria.

I’m sure it was one great big joke
the way your fraternal friends spoke
it wasn’t the way
you called me your bae
it’s just that I’ve never been groped.

I’m sure it wasn’t your fault
and it wasn’t really assault
so let’s just forget
the ***** and the sweat
and take it with a grain of salt.

I’m sure there’s nothing to fear
and in nine months to a year
we’ll give in to fate
and when you graduate
we can shack up and share a career.

Now I’m sure I was being naive
turns out your name wasn’t Steve
and all the support
you swore not to retort
leaves me nothing to do but to grieve.

Try, try, try my best to be positive.

Try try, try some more to please him.

Taking classes that I don't enjoy.

Just to please him.

Go home not knowing what to expect.

Did I do everything that he wanted?

Did I do it to his expectations?

Striving to be the daughter he wants me to be.

(He is trying to live out his childhood dreams through me).

Expectations that I always fail to meet.

Try, try, try not to be in his presence when I cry.

Can't show him, give him the satisfaction.

Try try, try to do everything.

(I just want to avoid his dreadful sting).

Straight A's, a few B's. 3.50 G.P.A.

Not good enough for him.

All A's, 4.00 G.P.A. , is nothing to him.

Try, try, try, I am numb, no more feelings,

my "happiness" is all a lie.

He placed me in NJROTC at my high school,

expecting great things.

Be the top marksman.

But how can I be, if he won't allow me to compete?

Become colorguard commander,

without participating in an y of the events.

Become the CO of the program next year.

Without interacting the way I need to.

He expects all these things from me , and so much more.

Expectations and standards.

But makes it so that they are all impossible to meet.

Try, try, try  to be everything he wants me to be.

Try, try, try, and only meet failure.

Fail, fail, fail, makes no difference to him.

Cracking under the pressure,

can't be in the same room as him or my stepmother.

Fail, fail, fail, giving them both reasons to yell at me more.

Fail, fail, fail, why even try, when he really doesn't care?

Fail, fail, fail..........

What else is there to do?

I thought I'd be numb by now
I am no stranger to your pain
Repeatedly I reach into my heart
Failing to sever the vein
One that connects my love for you
There is no longer anything to gain
Be gone from me
Cause me no more shame
Falling into your tricks
Playing your sick mental game
Father is what you never were
It's only a name
Every year you call to promise change
Why am I always surprised when it all stays the same
I can no longer stand beside you
A daughter you will never claim
Pictures is all we ever were
In a cheap little frame

You are beautiful, and yet terrifying, you push your limits to try to get to Cloud9 -
until you are flying, flying away from your imperfect life, away from your mom and your dad.
you swear you'll never become anything like them-
you never open up, but when you do, oh when you do, your blue beautiful eyes stream water- pouring down your face , you probably have realized that even on cloud nine
you feel misplaced