I’m sure it’ll be a great party
even though I’m dressed like a Barbie
it’s all in good fun
I won’t drink more than one
and they probably won’t even card me.

I’m sure the flyers aren’t serious
the cover girls all look delirious
the guys all wear suits
while the women “let loose”
but I can’t justify the criteria.

I’m sure it was one great big joke
the way your fraternal friends spoke
it wasn’t the way
you called me your bae
it’s just that I’ve never been groped.

I’m sure it wasn’t your fault
and it wasn’t really assault
so let’s just forget
the ***** and the sweat
and take it with a grain of salt.

I’m sure there’s nothing to fear
and in nine months to a year
we’ll give in to fate
and when you graduate
we can shack up and share a career.

Now I’m sure I was being naive
turns out your name wasn’t Steve
and all the support
you swore not to retort
leaves me nothing to do but to grieve.

What does one do when the lines of the meaning of love are blurred for a girl at the age of fourteen?
When a girl is pinned down to a bed even though she said
No
No
No
But let it happen because she thought that was how relationships were supposed to be.

Maybe he didn’t listen because I’m wrong
This is meant to happen
I’m his girlfriend.
I should be okay with him groping me.
Stop being so uncomfortable.
Stop squirming underneath his grasp.
Stop trying to pry his fingers off of your breast as he laughs at your struggle.
He’s your boyfriend.
He loves you.
This is okay.

It must be okay
Because the pattern continued.
It must just be love when your boyfriend tries to touch you in untouched places while you’re trying to sleep
At the age of fifteen.
I’d never been touched there before
I’d never even touched myself there before.
And I had never felt any more uncomfortable in my whole life
But who was I to say
No.
It was love,
Right?

And it wasn’t assault, right?
Surely I- a young, normal girl- didn’t become a victim of ****** assault
Right?
I didn’t say no.
I was too scared to say no.
I was too scared that the words
No
No
No
Became lost in my mouth
And my eyes were stuck shut because they were too scared
Too see the kind of  love he was giving me.

And I wanted to leave but I couldn’t
Because love is supposed to be this way.
I never had a physical experience showing otherwise.
This must be love
The lines are not blurred.
This is how it is.

For a moment I thought that maybe
I wasn’t wrong.
That this repetition of touching
That this lack of approval
Was wrong.
My body is my body
I’m not found strung on the shelves of *** shops
Or delivered in a package with a bow on top
Spread across the table for a man’s full course meal.
No.
I am a person
And just because I have ******* and curves and a vulnerable physique does not mean I am up for grabs--

He told me he loved me
But if that was love that was no love of mine
And I told him
No
No
No.
I exposed him
I may have been in tears but I told him I knew everything that he had been doing to me and I called out his love

And he
He
Did not apologize.
He did not explain himself to me.
He just told me that
It was okay.
I was okay.

Because that’s right.
I am nothing
I am nothing
How silly of me to think otherwise
How silly of me that I almost forgot that I am nothing more
Than an object for you to touch how you please.
Who needs sleep
When the man can’t wait
For you to wake up
For consent
For you to yell
No
No
No.

Because who am I to say no?

My favourite time of the day
is when it is no longer day;
when night has fallen.

I step out of my house,
into the dark,
waiting to be embraced by the
ineffable love
and consolation
it gives me.

But oh! as the sky begins to
breathe darkness,
so does the world
existing beneath it.

As I walk down the
streets,
the night scares me.
I see
shadows lurking round
the corner;
I see
their greedy gaze
piercing through the dark,
running towards me;
I see
their selfish hands
cutting the atmosphere,
extending towards me;
I see
their brutal thoughts
waiting for me
to fall into their trap;
I see
them ***** me,
kidnap me, **** me, **** me;
I see-
I see them leave me
dead
altogether.

As the night falls,
I run away
from my favourite
time of the day.

beds of nails
Let us sleep
indiscriminately deep
and dream lucidly
like we did
when we saw acid trees

young woman
You old girl
sleeping strong
in a curl
like your hair
you swirl

and I bathe in the sea
of a night of lucid dreams
and make haste to the shore
To see you some more
and breathe in and believe
we can be kids that climb acid trees

I hear you paddle
I hear you cry
is it your shadow?
You can never leave behind

we make our way
through the tired waves
And pray its not the same
Finally free from being slaves

And I ***** in the darkness
On a night of lucid dreams
And make haste to the sunrise
to live with you free
and dance inside ourselves
and be kids that climb acid trees

The doctor sat before me
Said "Take your trousers off"
She reached inside my boxers
"now , turn your head and cough"

I thought this little grabfest
With her hand upon my kit
Was a little south of normal
But, I stood and did my bit

She asked me a few questions
And now me....getting rather terse
Said" I went through this already"
"out front talking to the nurse"

"I'm not sure what you're doing"
"And I do not think it's right"
"Get your hand out of my trousers"
"I'm just here to fix the light!"