I hate you and your new car.
                                             I hope every time you go to the gas station, it's three dollars per gallon. I hope you make so many enemies that there's a line to sugar your gas tank, I hope your engine knocks and your head gasket blows and your timing belt snaps and your rims warp and your tires pop every time you pass my street. I could still beat you in a race, even with your ugly sport package and plasti-dipped grill, I could still beat you in a race because I am angrier than you. I am angrier than you, and I always will be.
                                                             ­                                   I hate you,
                                                            ­                       And I hate your new car.

I’m rolling
My life is like film
It keeps flashing
My eyes before me
See what’s headed after me
I’ve gotten here through love
I’ve been held back here by jealousy
I’m rolling on the ground
My life is like film
My raw image is hated
I’ve been double exposed
The light just isn’t getting it right
Dash cam is sending out live
I’m a flip show for everyone alive
My steering column is looking fuzzy
10 feet ahead of me I can live through memories
Swerve the wheel
I’m rolling
My life is like film
Shut in a dark room
Then seeing the light of day
Through a screen-shot
•
Breathe, Stop steering
Cruise, control your feelings
You don’t need to cry for me

Cigarette ash stings my finger tips
  As I wait in my car
                 for a boy
The cold winter air caresses my cheek
                 Just as he once did
Blue and red lights flash across my vision
Reflecting off of dark puddles
Like a movie
   In slow motion
                  they wheel his body away
  And I sit in my car
            and wait for a boy

I had a dream, that you crashed and
burned
I ran to you,
my body shaking,
𝑓𝑒𝑎𝑟.
It was not a dream.
How can I fit the whole of you in my arms again
Your body so alive and breathing, real in a way I
don't know what to do with
I am not strong enough to stop your fire
I wish I could, for a while
step back,
no fear.
Breathe you in and
hold you close
and say "You are loved because these hands touch you,
these arms hold you,
this skin knows you
and this heart longs for you."
They are all mine, and yours too,
the crash, the burns, all fire.
I'll make it stop if you allow me to.

The most beautiful,
Olive to be driven.
Fast and reliable.
Unique, like me, unobtainable.

Treated with respect,
Manuel transmission on a bet.
Small, getting from a to b.
Your radio never let me feel alone.

The first I got for myself.
Misfortune was given once more.
Bestowed on my life was a choice,
To be kind, or wary.

Kindness is always my choice,
You paid for it.
More than I.
Only two weeks were you gone.

When I saw you, I was in tears.
Shocked, horrified,
At the mirror of what my soul,
Had been through.

To come back once more,
Through you I saw my broken self.
Breaking more,
Miss you and the freedom.

Deafening noise in waves
Glinting light blinding off mirrors
A circle turns red, steel at a standstill
The quiet lingers for just a brief second

Happiness is an empty street
And a fast car.
Happiness is a clean, cold pool
You plunge into on a hot day.
Happiness is someone in your bed
Who’s gone in the morning
If you don’t want company
Or who stays if you do.
It’s someone who is happy to read the paper
Or take a hike with you.
It’s not worrying what others think
About you and your beliefs
And the wisdom to know who counts.
Happiness is strength,
Enough to fight the world
Or luxuriate in things gone well.
Happiness is attracting and repelling
Without having to try.
Happiness is a an aching fist
And an attacker’s black eye.
Happiness can be a warm gun,
Depending who gets hit.*
Happiness is not waiting for love,
Then falling in love in seconds.
It is knowing that you are fine
With or without a vow,
Yet being able to say “yes”,
When lightning strikes
And “no” when it’s just a cloud.
Yet happiness is not being sure
And bathing in uncertainty,
Of the pleasure in mystery.
Happiness is loving, faults and all,
An intensity so focused
That you’d gladly die for the one
Who was sent by some mixture
Of sunlight and shade,
On an ordinary afternoon,
Happiness is his body in yours,
His sweat on your skin in summer,
And body heat on cold nights.
Happiness is loving a little boy
Who looks like both of you
And knowing that love can transfigure
Time, exceed itself and encompass
More than one.
Happiness is contentment
In realizing how much you’ve had
And say you’ll feel rewarded
When your random life is done.
Happiness is the legend they tell
About you when you are gone;
The feeling is theirs and maybe yours.
Happiness is knowing that, if you go too far,
That there is no heaven or hell,
Or if there is,
Then anyone can play guitar.

September 9, 2020