dreaming has always been
part of the fragments of who I am
used to trace storybooks on thin paper
trying to find a way
to recreate the beauty of it
I would tape posters on my walls
princesses and all those ideas I found
trying to will myself to be like them
chanting that I will find me within them
as I drifted off

and when I fell for the first time
all my dreams would come back
running its fingers through my hair
and whispering sweetness I forbade

and that was when I found words
letting them immortalize the dreams
that would haunt and taunt and sing
showing me a world that I wanted to touch
and yet was pulled away from

I met you and they started making sense
as the touch of the faceless  are echoed in yours
as your smile feels like coming home
as all the whispers soared into a song

yet I couldn’t understand
how writing you wasn’t easy
how putting all my dreams into words turned daunting
the more I let myself fall from the graces of heaven

so here I am now
with what I cannot let myself forget
the dreams I can never admit I had
with your face tattooed in my mind
and your name like stardust in my veins

I dreamt about how the mornings would be
the sunlight forgiving as it lit up your mouth
the coffee I never liked less bitter that day
as we giggle into each other’s shoulders
and I try to find a rhythm in tapping your skin

I dreamt about taking deep breaths
right before plunging into a sea
the saltwater stings and our laughter rings
our hair and our eyes spilled ink in the blue

I dreamt of lazy days in a cramped space
blasting the music we loved years ago
slipping on newly-scrubbed floors
cookies in an oven and a book in hand
our bodies finding odd ways to dance

I dreamt of rain on windows
as we drive around the town
going down streets we never knew
watching as the city lights sparkled
and snuggling up in our too-thin hoodies

I dreamt of long days that would end in hugs
holding all my tired bones
listening to my drowsy words
not admitting that I am tired as I nod off
goodnight kisses with my penguin pajamas on

random dinner dates at new food places
trying to survive spicy challenges
chugging down milkshakes and water
and laughing at our faces

holding hands on train rides
whispering jokes we stole from somewhere
sharing earphones and an overplayed playlist
making up stories about strangers

and as I look at your name in my contacts
I realize that it has been weeks, months maybe
since our words really meant anything to each other
since I could still remember your smile
because I remember dreams
but not the person in them
and you are but a faceless one yet again
in all those that still try to pull me in
and I understand now

you will only be a dream.

In sea of moments I swim,
each stroke being a step.
Air tickles my senses,
as it explodes in lungs.
Eyes open like shutters camera,
seeing world in its beauty.

In sea of breaths I move,
each inhale merging with moment.
Sun sings with vibrations of light,
opening heart to echo.
Stars shine with flickering magistry
making wishes fly.

In a sea of moments and breath,
I am my own avatar,
AWAKE and GRATEFUL.

I knit all of my breaths together,
collect them and name them 'life'.
It helps me to wake up everyday
and not slit my wrists with a knife.
I survive and breathe and feel,
and it's hard but I keep on trying,
to fake a smile every now and then,
while on the inside I am dying.
But I learned that art is a good friend,
It stays along no matter the weather.
And maybe I have my art too;
I can be alive and dead - together.