Every exhale, a little bit of you leaves me.
Like poison leaving my body.
Every day, it gets a little easier to breathe again.
I don’t know how long I’ve spent holding my breath.
But I feel it.
I feel the air fill my lungs.
I feel myself learn how to breathe again.
To be me again.
At one point I thought you were the air.
It turns out you were the smoke that filled my lungs.

Flowers grow between my ribs,
and in the cracks of my mind.
While those around me call it beautiful,
it is getting hard to breathe.

"what do you want?"
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. listen to your heart."
"how do I do that?"
"close your eyes and breathe. you'll hear voices. that's your heart talking. what does it say?"
"I don't understand. It says get better. feel better. but i'm not sick."
"what makes you so sure it's talking about you? listen closer. concentrate."
"it says it wants YOU to feel better. it wants you to stop blaming yourself. to feel happy. to be proud."

I breathe in and out trying to clear my head
of all the things i thought about but never actually said.
Even though I never got a chance to tell you
you meant the world to me, i know you knew it; it was plain to see. You took so much of me when you left, i still don't know what to do. But in your honor i will keep on pushing through.
I know someday you'll show me the way
but for now, you're in my heart and that's where you'll stay

More, once more,
Can you identify these two trees standing nobly in the breeze

where these grasses grow uphill
Is this the place where they met?

Again,and again,
why these puzzles blocked our vision
and disappeared into the shadows ,
Those virtual meetings abandoned by the persecuted

Breathe, a long breath,
The mirror tells us we will all get through this.

We will get through the sleepless nights,
and all the internal fights,
when the world hits us with all its might.
Believe it or not, the day seems right.

Breathe breathe, a long breath,
The wall bounces, but we will get through this.

Nobody could define what anxieties are,
look, when the window opens,
pale faces and red eyes clarify it
Shall we meet in the unmarked strip of light?

Five, Three, One!
Four, Two, Nought…
and breathe breathe, a long breath

I run for you
to catch your heart
but will you stray further
If I rest my knees
and catch a breath?

Talking to a friend
Then suddenly the conversation came to an end
Hiding behind a backpack
So proposed is a back-track
We rise, leave the area
Leave behind unexpressed hysteria

Prompted as to why
So, admittedly trembling, I try
To tell the tale
That I try to leave stale
Alas, all is well
When I tell
About that day a year ago
Gesturing to places here and there, almost show
What happened in that time long,
Yet not so long, ago

Start
In part
From what I knew
Like a picture I drew
Painting my memories
Now almost...dare I say ease
A heaviness left
Was heft
From my weary shoulders
Like the moving of boulders
I could finally breathe

Letting a little ray of light
Shine bright
On one of my darkest days
For so long it says
Until it is gone over so much
That such
Is lesser than what it used to be
Tell me what I'm supposed to see

Flashes, flashes,
Forces into my head, dashes
Into the moments between
Like replaying a movie scene
Only it's just momentarily visible
Making one wish they were invisible
A cry;
"Take me from this - for when I try,"
"All I can do is run and cry."

But another being able to say
It's okay
Telling me I'm not so alone
Don't have to drone
Is pleasant

Though I've told my tale
Pierced the veil
This was...comforting
Then, in parting
Was left with a tranquility

One small moment of peace
When pain would not cease
Was nice
When not even the music would suffice

- Jay M
March 7th, 2020