believe these words
of devotion

when you kissed me last night
I came alive

that was some amazing
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation

03.24.19

I.
   i could not stay awake not for another breath,
    what with you pulling air so close to mine,
thoughts persistent, visions relentless
       (to look around, to remember where you are)
do you know who you are (? )
  scoffing somewhere, removed from me
were their eyes to fall upon me
    she is omnipresent, all around me when i breathe-
              gone from here
  

none of this feels familiar,
      not the sheets not the shadows of the room,
     the lights flicked off and i feel-
      heat from your body over the moisture of mine
               (i recognize none of it )
vividly i vision the seams of buildings
edges of avenues, bordered in cars and trees
              bridges i crossed everyday; away
            ( anxious i self inflict, i gasp)


   days stretch on like where are the lines ?
   where are the spaces, from calendars to clockwork
saying when and how and who done it
          to number time, confine the time, throttle-
with the windows always dark,
      a blue sky in a frame on the kitchen wall,
      could belong absolutely anywhere
      and i recognize nothing, not the floor
      not the ceiling where i lay, you besides me
      all day and all night, i see distortion
       (strange to accept and hard to believe )

9:57 pm


II.

strength of something torn from here,
    paradoxical; gone and omnipresent
wrapped in this flesh of yours
    however absent/// longways away from here

    no word of yours or mine could be said
without grain from some other
        fruitful tree;  i see orchards !
they litter the sky
    so much of this life is inescapable

10:09 pm


III.

were i to close my eyes i still perceive movement
    limning of you behind my eyelids, aura
i catch the ghosts of wrinkles, were i to open my eyes
       would be your arms;             ( i need not open them)
     i know by some imbued reflex that
we are kissing, i see it in my head between the ears
      they melt together, i feel it in the stomach
     not on the tongue where you are making a home
nothing exists but the place where we
           reunite like a bird catching a fish in midair

       movement once more, and know somehow
   no semblance of time, no notion of time
then it is your tongue and your tongue only
   which connects me to this earth for i am smoke;
                  liquid, i am nothing else

i am music then, somehow and by some miracle
  you sing somewhere as well,
    might i be the wind, only hyper aware of the way
i greet your body,
    skin vaporized, my fingers pulverized
i settle like dust all around you
i could be anywhere

       nothing but the fragment
of space/// time where you are here with me
         a body that is separate and somehow
        infinitely harmonized to mine

10:25 pm

IV.

                         i see who i was a month ago,
                                                            ­      unrecognizable!
      the path from here to there
                                     has been erased like wind over sand

      a tie has been severed,
                                          to the other life,
                                    she might as well have been killed
                           on a commute somewhere
11:48 pm


V.

at last, words slither out like animals
   a burrow, a hole in the ground
   they were buried, at last you dig graves, collect skeletons
   (it is something you do at night)

one does wonder, what good is reached by
     accumulating laughter; i have never laughed
              as i do now

11:51 pm

--------------------------------------------------------  

03.­25.19

VI.
  
           static whistles in the background
       of an intermediate place
                a place with no name

         i think perhaps i am a furred leaf
                      for i grow roots around water ///

a rocket ship sends a message back where it came from
a planet formerly known as HOME:
[i am safe somewhere]

12:09 pm


03.28.219

VII.  

i clean my mouth of it,
i purify that which has so clouded,
   depths of the murky mind
i wash my hands of it
i dissipate fear
i eradicate guilt
i bathe my toes in a river
     un-tethered from all
which has so consumed me
i breath into lungs
now drowned into action
a pull from my chest, over and onto
heaving gasps of fresh air-

somewhere between our hands,
dust settled:
     ( i let it gather)
truth speaks discomfort,
i **** paralysis!
    fight or flight,
the third instinct, to freeze
may we be rid of it
may the mind be free from all
idle thought and hollow circuits

(a yellow bird flies onward,
a prayer... )

1:12 pm

Not all at once.
Barely perceivable really.
But slowly,
things are getting better.
Balance restoring.
The tides ebb and flow.
Maybe it's you,
or it could be me,
or possibly we.
Resculpting each other.
Chiseling away at hearts of stone,
and sparking flames
to warm our bones.
Miles to go, mountains to climb,
rivers to cross.
Full lungs, blurry eyes.
Its a long road,
but It's gonna be fine.

By the ramp of the dearly departed
Still lay his faded fingerprints
While yet another
Was thrown in the morbid bed
Still reeking
like death

The hall deserted
His breathing slow
Hope fading
The morale low
Thoughts crept
Like death

And another after another
Was thrown into the list
Ever growing
Breaths slowing
Ever reeking
Like death

Lying in a corner
Groaning beneath the mask
A soul once alive
Moaning over the past
Waiting for a cure
Like death

And one last breath
Felt in the night
He wished to be his last
He couldn't hold on
To this madness, so
Like death

There was this glimmer
A ray of light
The suffering might end
Things could go right
Maybe slowly
Like death

The world was healing
Not all hope was dead
The once confined bodies
Will rise out of bed
Defeating tragedies
Like death

With a combined might
And hope alight
Strength in prayer
And hearts twinned
The world rose up
From death.

Suffer not fools  kindly
be straight in command of presence
stray not to soften a vent
let breath be guided to its own air

Sitting outside, i close my eyes to the sound of Tycho-Dive,
Middle of the night, stars wrapped around the night stormy sky,
Moon is finally asleep, and all is dark and quiet.
Deep breath, cool wind surpasses my warm skin on this cold summer stormy night.
Thinking deep thoughts about my life, these are the moments i feel free.
When no one is around, i can finally think calm to myself, and feel finally at ease.
Wish these calm moments can last forever.
They say night time is when our demons come out to play, but i feel so much comfort in this earthly darkness that my emotions escape me, they escape me because i can be me.
No one can stare at me
No one can talk to me
No one, just no one around to bother me
I want to feel free,
Just now as i do,
Have my heart set at bay,
to feel, think and breath this life we live.
Calm rain pellets dash above the porch roof.
Aroma of the heated pavement from the hot sun during the day.
Let me breath.
Let me be me.

A coop
Unannounced and spilt again
It's warmth a discontent
Clasping of the chest
Face now grimaced to
groan alone
Sensation dead
Hushed in quiet breath
Salty broth on cloth
musked in scent
This soup is not my friend
Isolation in the end

I was light and air, formless, boundless, free.
I was the sparkle in a drop of rain,
The first blades of new grass in spring,
The whisper of a warm breeze,
The promise in a lover's kiss.

I was also the darkness and silence,
The stillness of stone,
The emptiness of space,
The cold oblivion of snow,
The heaviness of grief.

I was the breath of Osiris,
Living and dying,
Dying and reborn,
In an endless eternal flux.

I was something else as well,
Something small and fragile,
Impermanent,
Something that could love and be loved,
A beating heart,
A mortal soul.

I was both and all and none
And I breathed.