I had some good words back then
full of angst
testosterone powered passion
directionless lyricism

I was in a wilderness
where only brambles and weeds grew
flowers afraid to show their colour
for fear of being trampled

but now I approach my Eden
through the open gate
sunshine beckons me
illuminating light and shade
words begin to fail me
beauty has muted my pen
anger needs to sit and rest

It's been a year now, I have not changed. A sweet sailor told me once that poems were the only art form that allowed, demanded this much melancholy and I am none the less tragic. You would have laughed in my face had you seen him and I. Soft, silly boy opening up into bloodied lips. Pressing flowers into his hair, contritely convincing myself I was not the monster you wrote me out to be.

I won't tell you that he couldn't love me, that I could never keep him.

I'm sure you already know. That's how the story goes.

In a place where there are no souls,
I wander and wander like a stranger.
i know not where my grave is,
but i do know where my heart is.

i follow my heart and search for the light,
the light that used to guide me when i was alive,
but all i see is darkness,
and i wonder whether i will ever be more alive?

is this reality or is it a dream?
i am stuck in this loop for a long time.
please, someone help me get away,
because i am scared,
i am scared,
i am scared.

NO MORE am I confident in what this world has to offer
Its people are selfish and crazed
Chewing up and spitting out the meek and mild souls
Imprisoning an empath to suffering and pain

NO LONGER can I look upon life fondly
With that pure yet innocent gaze
I've been stripped of the wonderous excitement that curiosity can bring
And replaced it with an anxious but violent haze

NO MATTER the extent to which I try to recover
My mind keeps taking me back to those horrific days
Where a person or persons exorcised their demons
Placing those vivid memories on a continuous loop of play

NO DOUBT I'm broken and tainted
Which is quite short of filing it all away
I cannot condone or explain exactly why
Those that slaughtered my reality did NOT somehow pay

The rain came down,
and it keeps coming down,
so nourishing to the parched earth
yet so gloomy and low. It fits the mood.
An event that must happen, for the world to survive
But that, in the moment, only feels like a dreary moodsetter on a blustery day.
It isn’t too dark out. Despite the rain coming down in torrents, it’s still bright.
As I drive along the highway I see that rays of
sunshine are poking out from behind the clouds, and I think that,
somewhere along the distance, from the right vantage, where the brilliant sun rays
hit the storm droplets at just the right angle, there might be a rainbow
somewhere.
Just too far gone down the road for me to see it.

When I was a girl
Around eight years old
My parents used to take me to ice cream
Every weekend
That bell above the store door would chime
Happy to see another paying customer
Even when the snow outside howled like ghosts
That bell above the store door would chime.
And every weekend I would limp into the store
With all the excitement I could muster
And I always felt like I was being  
carried away
Into a mythical world made of frozen sugar
The perfume of waffle cones, chocolate, coffee, and vanilla
Mixed and melted into a tornado of deliciousness
That swirled around my tiny body.
But my joy would shatter like a mirror
When my mom would demand that I choose
Between chocolate and vanilla
And I couldn't for the life of me
Understand why
How could I choose?
Why did I have to choose?
Could I not have both?
Could I not have the rich deep taste of chocolate and brownie chunks
Alongside the calming smell and gentle flavor of vanilla?
Ultimately I couldn't
I was eight
Had no authority
And my mom was paying
So I always chose chocolate
Different but still safe
Still normal.
This dilemma of choice always seemed to follow me as I aged growing into a bigger beast
With each year
With each decision
It clung to my shadow
Always reared it's ugly head when I just needed it to go away for a second and let me think
Let me breathe.
Throughout elementary school
I struggled to choose between
Transformers
Or princesses
I again couldn't fathom why I couldn't choose both
Why I couldn't be both.
Why couldn't I enjoy explosive white noise
And women with pretty dresses who sang songs and had animal sidekicks?
I didn't want to choose
I again wanted both
But of course, I couldn't
Because of the fact I was destined to grow ******* in the future
I chose princesses
Pink
Pretty
Normal
Safe.
In my freshman year of high school, I yet again had to choose
Boys?
Or girls?
I felt the weight of each choice weigh on me like bricks
The pressure of the gossip and venomous whispers I could encounter
Crushing me like I was at the bottom of the sea
Could I not have the
Strength
of a man
And the soft comfort of a fellow female
I couldn't choose
I just couldn't
So I forced myself to be straight as a pole
Steady and unwavering
I wouldn't accept that I was a pole that swayed in the wind
Going back and forth like a pendulum
I wanted both
Her soft touch
His strong chest
Her honey-sweet voice
His rough kiss
Her perfume
His cologne
Her
Him
Her
Him
My mind kept swinging back and forth endlessly
I couldn't handle it
I couldn't stand the fact that I swayed back and forth so easily
I always decided
I always was as normal as I could manage
Why now?
Why this?
Why was this the thing that shattered me like glass?
I ran
I'm ashamed of myself for it
But I ran from this problem
This choice
The beast had grown too large for me to handle.
I quarantined my emotions like they were each a deadly disease
And I became numb
Empty
Cold
A blank canvas that I refused to label
So the beasts prowling in my head did it for me.
Emo
Trash
Useless
Disgusting
Spaz
*******
Freak
Lazy
Fat
Unlovable
Stupid
And many more.
But today
I fight my beasts head on
And sure I may not have a blade
But I am fighting with all I can
I fight with my tongue and teeth
Because they're all I have left.
Today  
I sculpt a new ice cream shop
I walk up to the door slowly
My heart pounding loudly in my ears like a drum
After a moment I enter
Leaving my beasts outside at the door
The bell above the door chimes
Happy to see me after all these years of emptiness
This is my ice cream shop
My safe space
And this time
I can
And will
Have it all
Chocolate swirled alongside vanilla
A princess driving a transformer.
And I shall love men and woman
Because my heart yearns for both
Life is too short for me to let beasts run my mind anyway.