TRIGGER WARNING- ABUSE

cold, colder yet colder.
i watch as his eyes fill with rage.
from being a strong shoulder
to cry on, to being impossible to engage.

as red as blood can be,
as blue as bruises can get.
i pray and hope no one sees,
or again i'll face another threat.

if love were enough,
scars and bruises i'd ignore.
but reality is just that tough,
one day i might just turn to gore.

dead in the night
all alone
dead inside

eyes wide open
glued to the ceiling
gone all mental healing

all the overthinking
praying for redemption
followed by slow blinking
for shame, i'm left with feelings of abnegation.

beautiful, isn't a good enough description
euphoria, even if just for a moment

dark locks, piercing eyes and smug smile
oh.
unparalleled and you know that
beating faster in my chest
till i realise
fantasy is all it'll ever be
unbearable pain ensues
looking away once more,

shameless of me
ought to be guilty
responsibilities and
restraints hold me back
yearning once again, as i watch you pass.

a dead flower
does not bloom

and now

neither does my love

for you.

Distress sneaks in
and disrupts my stillness all
too well

I become nervous,
no
I become frightened,
no… I… become
scared?

I become everything
except fine

as my hands grip my head
the thought
arises
to slash through my scalp
and snap through the skull
snatching out every thought
that would dare detour into
the solace of my mind

but I won’t do it
I am … a liar,
I am afraid
and I am certain that
this angst and
this anxiety will
win today
again

because above all,
I am
helpless

I watch an hour hold its breath
And wait to let it out
Hands slowed by an unseen force
As they travel across the clocks face
These dark days feed me
With a hunger for warmth and light
A feeling that can only leave me
Chasing rainbows in between clouds.

Another day, a little more hope
See what happens given enough rope
Waiting for the longest drop
When darkness stops my ticking clock
Nobody has called my name
Not even a candle to light the way
For my fate I stand in line
My daily bread still leaves me starving

Just when it couldn't get any worse
Suddenly the heavens opened
Making rivers of all my sorrows.
Soon all at sea without a float
I will sink with the sun in the west
Setting fire to the sky
As though God has taken my anger
And made it beautiful.

i dont want to do it anymore i cant to it anymore
i keep waking up with the same empty feeling every **** morning
and it doesnt matter what the weather forecast says because its always cloudy in my head
and laughing doesnt feel the same as it used to
and when i told you i was sad you said it was because i wasnt even trying to be happy
but no matter how wide i smile and how many friends i meet up with i still cant feel the happiness anymore
and im beginning to think that maybe happiness isnt for everyone
maybe some people were just made to always be in pain