I know it’s been too long since I’ve wrote,
But I know the words are finally free of my throat, it feels like it’s been years since I’ve put pen to paper and it shows! My arms are cut up again new burns on my nose, I swear it feels like I’m comatose. I lost feeling again and i do things I don’t mean. But I finally feel like it’s time to come clean. Yes I pop pills no it’s not for thrills, no one ever thought it was to take away my mind because the voices get louder, that way maybe I can stop using the white powder. I say I’m sorry to everyone because I feel like a failure. I swear I apologize for my moods for my behavior.
This is all **** I need to get off my chest before I go crazy and unleash the bottle. I had a gun in my mouth last night and nobody knows. its finally time im the last wilted rose. I sleep with a bottle I take my pills every day nothing helps. All I have to do is put on my mask and pretend to be ok but inside I’m withered away.
I’m just waiting for the day I overdose and take too much. I have a spouse but I can’t even feel their touch. I’m going insane help me please. Maybe my life will just freeze. No one will care.
I’m going off the wall
I can’t feel anymore. Normally I’m in pain or usually I’m sore. But not recent. No recently I am not happy or joyful. But I’m also not sad or depressed. This is new. I can’t explain. It’s like a never ending never breaking emptiness. Something good happens and I’m lucky to crack a slight grin. Maybe this is a good thing. No more sadness no more depression.
Maybe I’m just an empty shell. I’ve watched my friends go one by one and I stay here.
Sometimes it feels like I’m on another planet. Or maybe I’m living in a dream.
I’m more in a notebook than I am outside. I’m more inside my head but honestly nothing is there.
This is more than dead inside this is something else. I feel like a zombie off medication I feel like I am in a different world unexistant to everyone else.
Like I’m trapped inside a box unable to find the lid like I’m behind a mirror staring at the real me.
This is what I live with on a daily basis unable to talk or feel. I’m no one.
I can't seem to do anything right.
I can't be good I can't win this fight.
I am always the one at fault.
I always mess up.
It's my fault I'm me. It's my fault I keep getting cheated on. It's my fault im sad.
Everything in this world is my fault. I've been told this my whole life.
It's my fault
Have you ever felt angry enough to ****, sad enough that you can literally feel your own heart break, helpless to the point you feel you can't even control a bit of your own life let alone anything else. I do on a daily basis. And I make myself go through it constantly. Because I can't bring myself to end it. I'm scared I'll loose you. I am not gonna send this text. But I will have wrote it. I think about you every day. Yet you probably don't even care. I say I love you with meaning. I know you say it so I'll leave you alone for a bit. You don't love me. You don't know. I'd give you the world and you wouldn't even give me a text back. I'm afraid of being alone I know. You call me obsessed and clingy. Do you even know I've been cheated on 15 times out of 15 relationships. You wonder why I'm always asking what you are doing. I'm scared. I can't live with another heartbreak but I think it's to late. I'm sorry.
This silence is deafening while alone,
No one to talk to No one to pick up the phone.Music isn't reaching my ears, the only this here is my deepest fears. Does anyone even read what I write? Is this even worth the fight?
Silence is unbearable I can't take It, I don't feel like it's even worth it. No one cares anymore, living feels just like a chore. I dont belong on this earth, carey me away on this hearse. Im done with life, If I don't post That's because this was my final strife.
I did it again.
That gun went to my head again.
My arms are bleeding again.
I'm crying again
Is there a point where tears dry up?
I haven't found it.
I did it again
I wrote my suicide note again
I took medicine again
I wish for death again
Why can't I do anything right?
I can't even die properly
I did it again
I pulled the trigger again
Nothing happened again
I say I'm sorry again
Maybe I'll die this time.
Or maybe I won't again.
What is pain to me.
Is it the ability to be trapped in my head unfree?
Is it the way I stutter and sound?
Is it the way my world turns around?
I feel I deserve my pain.
I deserve to feel such a strain
I deserve all of these scars
I deserve to feel behind bars
I deserve to feel trapped
Like my head is in an infinate wrap
I am this pain.
It will never go away or get better
It will be here forever.
I need this pain.