There's a color in my head, it wont leave me alone
As the peacock feathers, she's got no where to go
So I just smoked her down, left a funny taste in my mouth
No longer can I breathe in, I'll have to do without

This lung
And this heart
Is filled
With tar

He said he was your lover, with real debonair
Filled you up with warm words, that weren't really there
His hand was on yours, felt like a shackle
Frozen straight to the heart, he felt so cold

His heart
and his mouth
Were filled
With his own doubt

I swear to god I'm trying
But my lungs can barely move
Trying to breathe you in
But there isn't much space

I am Frosty the Snowman
And I keep losing my hat
And all the kids who danced around me
Have all grown into what they're supposed to be

I don't mind if you want to go
I'm not half the snowman I wish I was
I just stay frozen
In all the pain I put upon me

So will you help me find my hat
Will you help me find my hat
Will you help me find my hat
'Cause I want you to stay

I think love
Has gone downhill
Ever since it was
Confused with lust
It's merely just
A physical
Attraction now a days

I need somebody to show me
That they can be more than a body
More than just a one night stand
I need someone like you
So will you help me find my hat
Will you help me find my hat
Will you help me find my hat
'Cause I don't want to melt away

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/frosty

What is the color blue?
Is it a human emotion?
Or is it just another
Meaningless color?
My entire life
Could be reduced
To an empty color
That never met much to you

And what is a word?
Is it a creature?
Or is it an icon
Left to interpretation?
Oblingattoh-tay
What the hell did I just say?
When you said you loved me
What the hell did that even mean?

Everyone
Is singing the same song
And I can't sing along anymore
I can't join in
This perfect unison
Of broken voices
In monotone
Yeah, I need more
Than your empty, practiced words
That we all have heard
Before and Again

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/blue

Woke up to a nightmare
Where gravity disappeared
Scrambling around mid-air
Just to find no one's there
Bright florescent light
Hiding away midnight
It's just not the same
It doesn't feel right

All this pretending
Is bringing me nothing
All this anger
Is making me more empty
Scrambling around in mid-air
Just to find no one's there

Spending everyday
Breaking under pressure
Over digging countless holes
For some kind of treasure
Just to have someone
Fill them back up
Send me out again
And tell me I'm worthless

All this pretending
Is bringing me nothing
All this anger
Is making me more empty
Scrambling around mid-air
Just to find no one's there

And I don’t know where I’ll go
If this light bulb should break
Falling down into a deep darkness
That I’ve tried so hard to escape
The same darkness I have made

There are plenty of fish in the sea
But none like you
As the bottom feeders sank so low
We swam way up high
But we fell into a whirlpool
And I didn't take it right
Don't want any drugs
Don't want any alcohol
Just want you to know
I'm still here after all
Scrambling around mid-air
Just to find no one's there

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/mid-air

The sun burns bright all day and night
The moon comes to steal it's light
I was sitting by myself
I couldn't help to notice your shine

I was sitting by my chalk outline on the floor
You came like the sun to destroy the night that held me before

You don't have to dress up like a
Barbie doll to look so beautiful
I'll make sure you shine like you're supposed to
You don't deserve to feel like you're being used

I was sitting by my chalk outline on the floor
You came like the sun to destroy the night that held me before

And they’re just want to remind you
That there's nothing you can do
But I'm here to tell you
I’m in love with everything that you do

I don't mind your cold fingertips
That means my body is warm for you
Sitting, waiting for you to decide
If you want to go out or stay by my side

I was sitting by my chalk outline on the floor
And you came like the sun to destroy the night that held me before
So come sit by my side and set me on fire with your love
Who needs the world when I’ve got the girl that burns like the sun

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/chalk-outline

Slow my heart sweet singing girl
Fill it up with every word

And all they hear is when you're near
Like some kind of ghost
And when you leave, you take everything
And you never let it go
You never let it go

Look right into my eyes
And please take off that disguise

The worst thing of being invisible
Is that no one ever knows
All they say is to wait a day
And the pain will pass away
Yeah, you'll pass away

Share your songs with me
Let go of everything

Who have lied to you, who have hurt you
They don't mean a thing
And when you’re alone you can be sure
That I'll join in and sing

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/sweet-singing-ghost

Hi my name is Spencer Carlson
And I swear to god that I'm an alien
And all my attempts to be human
Have only left me more isolated.
As the boy waits
To get drunk at the party scene
A nomadic nowhere man
Dreams of what life really could have been

And I'm
Sitting here listening
To silence waiting
For it to finally
Change it's key

And I would give anything
To hold you through the night and
Tell you that everything
Is gonna be alright but
My arms are tentacles
And my teeth are razor sharp
And every time I reached out to you
You always pushed me back into the dark

And I'm
Sitting here listening
To silence waiting
For it to finally
Change it's key

And I wish that I never knew
I wish that I never knew
What it takes for you
To forget the pain that's haunting
That’s haunting you

I dream to be the one
To save you from this hell but
Everybody else shows you
Ways to save yourself so
What does that make me?
I don't know I'll
Never be as good as a drug
So I will just go where

I'm
Sitting and Listening
To Silence waiting
For it to Finally
Change it's key

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/alien

He just wanted a one-night stand
That carried one month too long
Bloomed into a full relationship
That felt completely wrong
And don’t you dare ask why
‘Cos he wont wanna explain
How he loved you for just
One day

Yet you’re constantly telling me you don’t need a man
To break your heart again
Your north star died a long time ago
That would’ve led you to a place you’ll never know

Scream at the Earth the mother of
All this confusion
But she just told you to be quiet
And quit your *******
If you complain than you’re crazy
But don’t hide in your shell
‘Cos I would love you more than you could ever
Hate yourself

Yet you’re constantly telling me you don’t need a man
To break your heart again
Your north star died a long time ago
That would’ve led you to a place you’ll never know

And all you’ve got are all your
Fears and insecurities
And all **** that people put
In your head
And all I’ve got are all my
Fears and insecurities
But when I’m with you I am
So captivated


When I saw in your eyes it was like
Looking into space infinite
All the emotional planets orbiting around
What’s looking back at me
And the laugh that brought me back to
When I was a child and everything was fine
It was like a soft song to let my
Heart unwind

Yet you’re constantly telling me you don’t need a man
To break your heart again
Your north star died a long time ago
That would’ve led you to a place you’ll never know
Constantly telling me you don’t need a man
To break your heart again
So, I will be that close friend
Who will be there until the end

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/northern-star

I showed a girl a picture
Of a dying man she said it would scar forever
And I told her that was the purpose
That I was only returning a favor
She walked out of the place
Thought she'd be gone forever
She came back the next day
And started to say that she was better
Than all the others
Said we'd be forever, said we'd be forever

But my walls keep falling down
Keep breaking down
And I put in my all just to keep them up but
I am growing so tired of being stretched so thin
Of trying to pretend that this ain't bothering me

I used to know what I was doing
But I got lost in all the fake promises and paranoia
I am trying to hard again
I'd sell myself to win
I'd sell myself to make her smile
And sometimes I feel so alone I'm forced into my own world
Where I waste my time building my own kingdom

But my walls keep falling down
Keep breaking down
And I put in my all just to keep them up but
I am growing so tired of being stretched so thin
Of trying to pretend that this ain't bothering me

I showed a girl a picture of a dying man

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/my-stupid-kingdom

I walk around hoping
Someone will stop what they're doing
Walk beside me

But the only time they ever stop
Is to just stare
And wonder what the hell I'm doing there

They have all their plans
They have all their friends
And everything they need to make them

Happy

I wish I could be more
Than just a door
That just a window

I dream to be a house
To hold you inside
Keep you dry and safe from the world

But you never saw me that way
Would never let me be
The one to make you

Happy

And you had your back up boyfriends
And every time I questioned them
You asked me why I don't trust you

But trust is just a prison
That you hold me in
This isn't love

So I'm down on my knees
Begging you please
To set me free
So I can be

Happy

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/happy

My best friend has met the love of his life
And I'm still trying to figure out mine
I got three friends and a hundred acquaintances
And this feeling my life will never change

Walking around town with my iPod
I look in every girls eyes hoping they'll see mine
I listen to their pain hoping they'll take mine
And it's in there stories I find

That we are waiting to be rescued
Every last person waiting for time to reverse
We are waiting to be rescued
And it'll only stop for us when our hearts finally burst

All my love ends in the bedroom
'Cause that's the only place it ever was
It's fun but I'd rather have
A relationship instead of a heart full of regret

I listen to her story and begin to think
That her pain and sorrow sounds familiar
I wonder how can she complete my life
When she's just as broken as me
Oh yeah, only a human being

My arms feel so empty
My arms feel so empty
My arms feel so empty
But my heart is full
And I can see that you're alone
So I'll wait, until I can rescue you

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/until-i-rescue-you

I don't want to listen to your ******* today
'Cos you never really have anything good to say
Empathy is dying away
Free to judge and to abdicate
You’re just hiding behind cruel words
That wont ever get you anywhere

Every one is walking around at night
Trying to find their own piece of sunlight
Shady figures roaming the alley way
Just trying to survive the day
Always under constant judgment
By people who don't know them

All the agreements you've made
To everything that they've said
Have seem to found a way
Deep inside
To brake the pride you once held on to

Don't include me in your bitter battle
Of Politic, gender, religion and orientation
‘Cos I’m getting a headache
Just trying to fix my mistakes
It really is a shame
When humans act inhumane

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/bitter-battles

The world is this, the world is that
The world is a lie, the world is truth
All I know is I'm leaving it soon
And I am loved, so I'll try to love everybody else
And hope that they'll love me too
Everyone knows, that the birds fly away when it's cold
And they come back when they're good and ready
And we are the same, we play the same game
Just by a different name and we
Wont stop, til we're good and ready

And I'm pretty sure that the world has cancer
I'm pretty sure it's true
I'm pretty sure that the world has cancer
I'm pretty sure it's me and you

Self righteous *******
Cast your judgment on everyone else
And say it's the word of God
But if God loves you, why do you hate us so much?
I'm beginning to think you're just a fraud
You turned your god into a trophy around your neck
And words in some book
But there will come a day when the pain is too much for you to handle
And no sense of pride will be able to save you

And I'm pretty sure that the world has cancer
I'm pretty sure it's true
I'm pretty sure that the world has cancer
I'm pretty sure it's me and you

And everyday is the same thing
Just another victim of some sort of tragedy
And I guess that is all that's coming my way
I could easily end it today
I remember when I was young and grateful for
The few people I knew
But now I got my cellphone, Myspace and Facebook
And I got crazy trying to keep up with all the people I know

You've got your bumper sticker on the back of your car
Telling me to free Tibet and save mother earth
But I suggest you get off your lazy *** and do some actual work
We are destroying just to build bigger cities
And towers to scrape the sky
We are dead consumers living in our dead societies
And our bodies pile up so high

And I'm pretty sure that the world has cancer
I'm pretty sure it's true
I'm pretty sure that the world has cancer
I'm pretty sure it's me and you

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/im-pretty-sure-this-world-has-cancer

Stuck on the side of the road
Confused with no where to go
People can see me,
Yet they keep on walking
Away, with nothing to say

Fear and anger holding me down
Just trying to reach out
Try and say hello
But I don't really know
How to make a sound

In a world full of opinions
I'm lost between what's fact and fiction
The universe is screaming
Yet no one is changing
As the world remains idle

Brain filled with haunting words
As my heart desire burns
Bottling down this riot
Just to keep quiet
For you what can I do?

Don't tell me how to be a man
Cuz I wont ever understand
How living in this binary
That tries to define me
Can be good for me

In a world full of opinions
I'm lost between what’s fact and fiction
The universe is screaming
Yet we keep on fighting
Arguments that don't go anywhere

All of your words and
All of your opinions
Cast it down a deep well
That no one dare drinks from
No one wants to listen
To what you have to sell

All of your words and
All of your hatred
Can only harden your heart
If one tried to love you, you
Wouldn't know what to do
How can you open your heart?
If you don't know where to start?

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/the-universe-is-screaming

What about the girl who hides behind her faces
Bitterness is the only thing she has to keep
She wants someone to sweep her off of her feet
And keep her held there in perfect ecstasy

What about the girl who wastes all of her beauty
Her absent father didn't tell her she's worth more
She tries to find a boy to fill in her heart's void
She'll feel her life's complete as he slips out the door

Don't you want someone to love
Don't you want someone who'll never give up
Don't you want someone who'll make you feel enough
Don't you want someone to love

What about the boy who keeps messing up
No one to forgive him he doesn't know where to hold his heart
He gives it to girls who don't even know him
How can they when he doesn't even know himself

What about the boy who spends his love on pictures
Doesn't know how to fight for a real girl anymore
He calls her a mystery and gets caught up in his prison
Until beauty is as numb his heart

Why deny him of someone who can take mistakes
The only one who can pick him off the ground
Why deny him of the best beauty around
Someone who'll never deny him of the man he can be

What about the quiet kid in the corner
Never had a father to show him how to be strong
His happiness goes as far as his voice goes
He'll never know his own role in changing the world

What about the kid who acts like a fool
He desperate for any kind of acknowledgment
He's given himself away so many times before
He'll soon be gone with no place to go

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/aura

Here am I with my foot in the door
I'm sorry it couldn't be anything more
I'm either too much or not enough
I'm sorry I couldn't get in your head
And understand
Understand what you want from me
What you want from me

I asked a friend
What he finds
And he told me that girls
Will ruin my life
But I didn't accept it
I didn't accept it
'Cause I got hope
That he don't know
But you wont see it
You wont see it
When you leave me alone
When you leave me alone

I've got enough problems on my own
Yes, I've got enough problems on my own
But I would love you enough to let them go

So I'm letting go
So I'm letting go
And if you love me
Yeah, if you love me
Wont you let me know?
Wont you let me know?

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/oh-youre-that-kind-of-boy

I hate my life is written on the pavement again
Like a chalk outline of his hope that died long ago
All the appointments and disappointments are a battle for his joy
All the loss and resignation have stained his soul
The warmth hugs him on his way to work
And the stars sing to him at night
Yet all he sees is his home empty and dark
And he's waiting for something to change his life

And his confidence goes where his confidence comes from
And his confidence goes where his confidence comes from

You've been trying to be big in the eyes of the world
But this world leaves you to do life all on your own
Just because you've been abandoned doesn't mean you are alone
Unbelief has driven your soul but you still got a home

And you confidence goes where your confidence comes from
And you confidence goes where your confidence comes from
And you happiness goes where your happiness comes from
And you confidence goes where your confidence comes from

You don't have to be right
Wouldn't it be nice to put your guard down
You don't have to be busy
Wouldn't it be nice to slow down
You don't have to be perfect
Wouldn't it be nice to know
You don't have to be anything this world wants you to be
You don't have to do it on your own
You don't have to do it on your own

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/abyss-of-unbelief

This girl doesn't know who to be
She feels like Cinderella
Locked in a castle with a dragon
She's waiting for her hero
Her mother says she has to be strong
But the weight of the world is bringing her down
Her mother says she can be like the men
But what kind of girl wants to be one

She just wants to be loved
So what are you doing to her
She just wants to be loved
So what are you doing to her

She used to go to her dad
And ask if she was beautiful
But now that power line is dead
Waiting for someone to pick it up
She's given her love in desperate attempt
To boys who pose as men
They'll tell her she's beautiful
And leave her broken again

She just wants to feel beautiful
So what are you doing to her
She just wants to feel beautiful
So what are you doing to her

Where you gonna go
With all that love
That no one knows
Where you gonna go
With all that love

What about the girl who's worth was stolen by lust
One man's deceit has broken all her trust now
She hides in the bedroom
Waiting for the pain to go
She feels completely worthless
And no one will ever know

She just wants to feel worthy
So what are you doing to her
She just wants to feel worthy
So what are you doing to her

What about the girl who's life is covered by shame
Who's heart is held back by a wound that opens everyday
Some girls run away, some girls have to hide
They think they'll never be loved with all the pain they have inside

She doesn't need a pervert
She needs someone strong
To tell her that he loves her
As he holds her in his arms

And Satan was the angel of morning
Covered in shining glory
He thought he should be king
So his beauty was taken in defeat
Now he goes around destroying anything beautiful
Like a selfish pre-teen girl in middle school
Satan attacked eve
'Cause he was raged in jealousy

So don't worry, It's not because you deserve it
It's only because someone's jealous
Don't worry, it's not because you're worthless
It's only because you're glorious

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/for-all-the-ladies

On my own
I venture out
On to the world of my own doubt
World of wonder
That I will know
When I figure it all out

I am what I am
I'll except that now
Playing with a broken hand
I'll make it work somehow

Clearing mountains
Waterfalls
I try to keep up my own pace
Running down
Seattle hills
Just to feel the wind on my face

I am what I am
I'll except that now
Playing with a broken hand
I'll make it work somehow

And don't you leave me alone,
I'm here
The vultures come in like crows
And disappear
They feed off my heart
And my fear
But I'll stay strong
I'll remain so strong

Twenty nine times I said I loved you
Twenty nine times I said I cared
Twenty nine days I waited
Just for you to reappear

From the dark depths
That calls you home
An everlasting engulfment
That I could never know

Twenty nine dots
We counted everyone
Twenty nine reasons
You wish they were all gone

I wish I could have been your savior
I wish I could have been the one
That could show you beautiful mercy
From a life that has gone all wrong

Twenty nine day dreams
Of your beauty and love
And that you would come back
And hold me in your black-veined arms

Don't be so quiet
Please don't you hide
Twenty nine days of solitude
For both you and I

My day dreams turned nightmares
Of how you could be there
On the floor of your bedroom
Eyes glazed and mouth open

Twenty nine needles spoke vicious lies

I had a dream we were stuck in the desert
A beautiful oasis forming at the basis of our feet
When a group of soldiers came right out of the mirage
Shot you down
And left me to die
Right by your side
Then I realized that I would join you there soon

Either under the eyes of the Saharan Sun
Or by the gift given from the trigger of my gun
I had to make a choice, one I could no longer live with
I'm tired of staring down
This barrel
Waiting for
The bullet to make its move

You came to me like an astronaut
Unafraid while others ran away
From my ship hidden among
All the forgotten and unwanted
You talked to me like you understood me
Like you knew me or saw right through me
You made me feel like I could be apart of
What I always wanted
You made me feel like a human being

It felt so real when I had to close your eyes
Couldn't keep pretending that you were still alive
With shaky hands, I pointed the barrel at my mind
And just sat there
Thinking twice
All about taking my life
Just sat there
Unable to move
Pulled real hard
Only to
Wake up in my own bed
It still felt like you were dead

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/saharan-sun

I'm writing this now as I don't think I can continue much longer.
All the things that made me happy growing up are becoming pinpoint memories, stabbing at the feeling my life has become meaningless.

I remember my sixth, or seventh birthday.
When all my six or seven year old friends came over to play at one of the only non-million dollar houses Kirkland Washington had left.
I had a Thomas the Engine Tanker cake and we took the Oreo wheels and threw them around and over trees.
My next door neighbor was my best friend and we would always have something fun to do.

I remember accidently stepping on my grandfather's new shoes and leaving a smudge on his new shoes.
So he thought it was fair to pick me up by foot and spank me while I dangle from his grip.
He's dead now, and I could care less as I was never allowed alone around him after that.

I remember the first time I decided school wasn't worth it.
I was given a choice to join honors in fifth grade but turned it down as i was told the extra homework would interfere with my precious video games.
I don't even remember what games I played back then.
Roller Coaster Tycoon and Age of Empires Two I suppose.

At that time I wasn't thinking about my future or what I should grow up and become.

I miss high school and I wish I could live it on repeat.
Back when I was wild, free and possibly ADHD, I still don't know if that is a real thing.
I remember band class, everyone would always expect me to harass the teacher or make an idiot of myself for a joke.
And I didn't care if I looked like an idiot.
I obviously didn't care if I was the idiot as my grades were always poor but never shackled me down in stress.
Only my parents did that.

I remember Giles Stanton, my Senior English teacher, who looked at me with mild boredom and said, "The real world will eat you alive."
That still haunts me to do this day as I always thought he was the coolest teacher there.
But it was just a joke, I shouldn't get butthurt.

At that time I wasn't thinking about my future or what I should grow up and become.

I remember going to community college and it all changed.
My careless, free spirited attitude was no longer praised or loved but rather chastised and questioned.
For I was at college and it was time to act like an adult.
But I still loved it, studying music theory and playing music.
Excited as I was about to start working on my first album.
The dreams of being a rockstar, or maybe just a folkstar were in my brain and I couldn't give them up.
All I cared about was music and video games.
All other general education classes couldn't hold my attention, even after the third time I took them I couldn't pass.

After two years and my first two attempts on my life I went to go see a therapist.
It was the usual for most people my age, some form of ADD and depression.
I was going to do it with a pen, push it deep into my throat and drag it across my neck.
A pen was all I could find.

At that time I wasn't thinking about my future, only that I wanted to make music and nothing else.

After sometime I went back to college and everything was different.
My brain was slightly comatose on Zoloft and some sort of ADHD med.
I could concentrate, but the harder I did, the more it came into being that I was no longer me anymore.
Some bag of bones carrying around a dying child inside.
I was tamed.
My only release was music, which I guess had gotten better now that my mind could focus even more.

I still never got my two year degree.
Only student loans.
With all those meds I still couldn't finish school.

I wasn't thinking about my future, only that I wanted to be a musician and thought I had a real chance.

And now I live with roommates in Seattle.
Breaking my back lifting boxes at UPS while trying to figure out my second job.
Probably only to need a third job.
All I do while I work is day dream about when I was younger and still had a chance to attack life and own it.
Now I merely walk through it with an open wound that I'm scrambling to sew shut.

I'm thinking about my future now, and I honestly can't say that I'll have one for much longer.

Sitting here skipping church
Trying to write you a song
It’s taking all day long
But I like you
Sat here once before
Playing the guitar
Along with me
Made the song complete

But I had this feeling that you would never need me
I let the pain sink so low
To the point where I’d push you away just to save your day
You don’t need to know

That now I will learn how
To play by myself in this town
I’ll play ‘til my fingers bleed
I miss your melody
This insecurity is getting the best of me

But if you choose that you miss me too
You could always join me in the youth room
You could play the keys
Or you could play the strings
Or you could even sing along with me

‘Cos when you sing the stars burn bright
As they all fall into line
You are adding beauty to life
One lullaby at a time

And when you speak
Wisdom leaks
From your lips, leaves me hanging
On every word that you say
Gets louder the further you are away

But you keep saying how we barely even know each other
Well, this ain’t a love song, it’s a proposal
That we get to know each other

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/church

When I opened the door and saw you for the first time
My heart kept me from being able to speak
My love kept me quiet, but do not doubt it
Its there

When I finally collected the words
I was still afraid to speak them
Afraid to make you think I was some kind of
Highway thief. There to steal your most intimate affair
You welcomed me into your bedroom
Unsure of where it might lead
But all I wanted was to make sure you felt loved

Not the embrace of a selfish lover
Who comes to you opening the door without knocking
Who expects his cup to be filled without asking
He knows nothing of love, only of possession

You were so inviting

Your mind is so beautiful
Your eyes represent your soul in their beauty
You lips are soft yet
Your smile is so strong
Just like your passion for creativity and life it's self
Whether it's your life or others

I just want you to feel respected
I just want you to feel loved

I constantly dream about you
When I'm awake I can control myself
It's as if my mind's sub-conscience
Knows to strike when I'm at my weakest

I traveled the world on the back of a Spartan hover car
I traversed icy mountains with leather backed baloths
Renee was trying to get us to meet together
I think what has happened also hurt her

I found you in a city where they sprayed painted
bricks on the wall of an unfinished Big Ben
My heart knew what was coming and my
brain could only wait for when
The sunlight glared off my glasses
When I swear I could see you
Abra called my name and told me I had
to go somewhere else

So we submerged under the ice
In the submarine Northern Lights
I was learning about the magic of fireworks
When a struck our core and the hull did burst
Floating around a whale swallowed me hole
I walked down its throat in a room so cold
And I saw you there with open arms
Waved away fears and all alarms

Until I woke up to a boring world
Bed was stale and air was cold
Realizing only when I sleep is when
I'll ever be able to see you again

I'm leaving today
But I'm not leaving for good
Space is the only thing I have to give
To show my love for you

For you
I would paint the trees purple
I would teach the birds to sing your name
I would make the rivers flow backwards
And make mountains curl and wave
I would set fire under ocean waters
And bring the fiercest animals to a calm still
Make lies of the things you once thought we true
Just to show you a new world

But my artistic devices have become depleted
And I'm left naked and ashamed
So I'll leave for this quest
For me to reclaim my own name

I used to be myself, I used to be complete
But people thought I was trying to hard to be something
So I changed myself into what I'd thought they'd want
Now I live my life pretending I belong

I have searched high and low for some kind of validation
But all I ever found are people with more expectations
So I will love with all I can
And hope that some day I'll finally feel like a man

I don't want to waste your time for you to figure out who I am
And I don't want you to waste mine just to leave me for who I am
My head might be my home but I am willing to leave
And if you show that you want it I'll give you the key

The only thing I learned in this world is to shut my filthy mouth
'Cause no one really cares about what comes out
I'm done trying just to be heard
So that I will have to rely on little birds

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/little-birds

Everyday feels just the same
When no one can see you anymore
Words slowly lose their meaning
When nobody listens anymore
What you’ve got ain't what you need
When nobody needs you anymore
All your opinions become pointless
When nobody cares anymore

And so you hide and deny
All of the pain you hold inside
Love is just a game that slowly died away
That nobody’s playing anymore

All of your feelings become empty
When nobody feels you anymore
All your longings make you feel guilty
When no one wants to know anymore

And so you hide and deny
All of the pain you hold inside
Love is just a game that slowly died away
That nobody’s playing anymore

Everyone says
What they think is best
But you don't wanna listen anymore

You made your move, bet you wont think twice
When no one can see you anymore
Time turns away, and days slowly fade
When no one can save you anymore
She was waiting for the perfect moment
But she won’t know you anymore
All the love that she had to give
You wont know anymore

Heavens bow down, Mother Nature's come 'round
To give up her crown to the beauty I've found
Walked out alone, to find my own way
Came across you and I knew should stay
Eyes like a spark, you took my own heart
Replaced it with love, The grew right at the start

And I wish I could see my Danish girl
But she on the other side of the world
I wish I could love my Danish girl

Hopeless romantic yet you keep me around
Up in the clouds yet you pull me down
Turn my sorrow into a pretty song
Something I listen to all day long

And Love doesn't know distance
It only makes it that much worse

If you complain than they'll just hold you back
If you go crazy than they'll just laugh
It's empathy that they lack
A normal need that holds you back
It's easy for them to call you selfish
If you wont bend to their will
They'll imprison you in pointless arguments
That gives them some kind of sick thrill
But you've got your future fixed
That no one can bend or break
A small metal ticket
That will rapture you from this place
So you'll forget this cruel
And you'll just slip away
Unwanted and unneeded
Just like it's always felt
You looked me into the eye and I just looked away
I didn't have the time or strength to save you from your pain
So you've made your agreements
That you are a disappointment
That you are worthless
And that you should just end it

But I love you
I love you

And they labeled you a *****
But I can see a whole lot more
I can see your broken heart
Every time you open up your arms
He just wanted some cheap fun
But you needed someone
To come and save the day
And make everything seem okay
This is the only place you can go
'Cause this is all that you know
Suicidal Cyclone
Media influenced drone

But I love you
I love you

And you think you're clinically depressed
But I think you're romantically suppressed
You don't have to get undressed to impress me

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/no-name

Soon, I'll make it stop
Soon I'll make it all stop

All you want to listen to is "happy music"
Its making me sick
Like an echoing cadence of grandiose sunshine infiltrating my soul

Can you play some Slayer?
Do you even have an ember
of anger that savors your desires for something more
Break down the barriers and make it Rain Blood
I want to see your smile turn evil in a rotation of your
brows that marquee your plastic, practiced face

Can you play some Elliott Smith?
Bleed the truth and don't hide it
The longing for fairness in a world you can't control
I'll keep them still, yet still
you hide behind this mask that you think no one can penetrate

I want you to call for what is just
yet you just
listen to **** like Katy Perry
Her mindless jingles bounces off the wall
Like natural ****, distracting yet they hold nothing for you

I'm glad you're happy
But I need something genuine
If I can't know the real you
How can I be your friend?

Everyone has all gone, I'm left
On my own I guess
She has found someone new
That makes her smile shine on through

I never thought I'd be good enough
To make this song last so long
I'm stuck pretending that I'm mature enough
To take all of this on

Constant breathing paranoia
Stuck inside my 'magination
I tried to build my castle up strong
But I ****** it up and made it all wrong

My head is buried in my hands
I want to travel to distant lands
Just to see if you would follow me there
So I can finally know that you care
You told me to be quiet
Don't tell anyone our secret
But I can barely hold it in
I feel like I could trip and
Than you wont want me around
You wont want me around

My organs are at war
My heart is left bleeding
As my brain continues punishing it
And my stomach is left sick in the rubble

Lets play the game
Like every morning
A sort of Russian roulette
Between me and me

My brain brings up painful reminders
To my heart which is soon to surrender
It tries to keep fighting
Which only makes me weak

I can't keep this going
Never ending feeling of impending doom
Sorrow on replay

Everyday is like an earthquake in my head
Just another reminder that I'm not dead
And everyday I see you is the day I wish I stayed at home
And every time I run away is the time I see my weakness
'Cause it's so much easier to burn down these bridges

Sorry for walking out on you
Sorry for walking out on you
'Cause you promised you would never do it to me

And I'm tired of trying to forget about every girl that doesn't like me
'Cause the weight of my bitterness is tearing a bigger hole in my heart
And pain is strong and it too moves on until it gets what it wants
That no one can tell that this empty shell once held a person

Sorry for walking out on you
Sorry for walking out on you
'Cause you promised you would never do it to me
Sorry for walking out on you
Sorry for walking out on you
'Cause you promised you would never do it to me

And I've been trying to make this life work all on my own
I push myself so hard and yet feel so alone
I've been moving forward chasing every love that I see
Until I realize true love has been behind me the whole time

Sorry for walking out on you
Sorry for walking out on you
'Cause you promised you would never do it to me
Sorry for walking out on you
Sorry for walking out on you
'Cause you promised you would never do it to me

https://spencercarlson.bandcamp.com/track/amberson

Why is it
That whenever he says, "I love you."
It sounds like, "I own you."

My heart aches like a cavern
A cracking chasm
That echoes and howls
For no one to hear but myself
Not a single bat calls it home
Only a small trickle of water bleeds out
Among the mud and spots explored, mined ores
That I gave away too easily

I hold her footsteps so dearly
As they're the only thing I have left
She tried to return what I gave so freely
But I could not accept

I screamed to the moon
And mother Mary heard me
She came to fill me with a love so holy
But I could not accept

I see you now
Trying to brave the bridges I've burnt down
Your heart full of beautiful riches
But every step you take only fractures this fissure
I thought I would welcome you in
Fill me up and make our love of equal weight
But I feel more like a thief than a lover
So I cannot accept