I've lived the kind of pain they write about
In the tales of heroes,
                       who came and went without
Salvation or celebration; and,
      instead, became close friends of doubt.

When luck leaves your side,
And there's no one left watching . . .
               There is no martyrdom.
No heaven to fall from. No damnation.
                Just nothing.
                Nothing and no one.

But I won't let myself succumb
To the temptation
             of self-righteous certainty,
             false justifications, or
             egotistical self-mutilation -
Just to bleed on those who lay
             Below my lowly elevation.

                     Not like you.
                     I am not made like you.

No longer, will I distort my own view
To lie to the few, who stand with me in the fire.

               It's true.

               I am a worthless *******,
               and even I can hardly stand it
               when I speak about myself.
But this time . . .
It's about more than me.
And, for once, I'm going to spend well the wealth,
That I was given and didn't earn,
On those who showed me how to learn
               And to never become like you.

Yes -
I am judgmental and self-loathing.
I am selfish and I am wrong.
I am naive, and strung out and strung along.

                                But I
                                  am not made
                                             like you.

                                             I am strong.

I scream to drown the noise,
            And fight to hold my poise
Against this sonic wave
            That dismantles and destroys.

This place that I called home…
            It’s all that’s left of what I own.
I fear I’m destined to the desert,
           Or somewhere desolate to roam.

Tried to convince my brain this wasn’t real –
           That lies are all I feel.
I’m not sure why I fear this noise;
           There’s nothing left for it to steal.

                        -         -         -

Yet, I plug my ears and scream;
         Tear the stitching from my seams . . .
I find it difficult to sleep,
         And near-impossible to dream.
I scream so hard it makes me sweat,
And my skin begins to gleam

                        This heat turns smiles into tears,
                         Like water into steam

My head begins to ache.
My hands begin to shake.
If I chose the wrong path,
             I made one hell of a mistake.
While my lungs still permit,
             I’ll keep their volume set on high,
Lifting my head to the clouds,
             To scream at the sky.

I have yet to hear an answer,
        And while I’m not much of dancer
I learned some steps from Lady Luck
        In hopes to cure me of this cancer.

                        -         -         -

Now, I don’t believe in luck –
But she still left me with something . . .
While we danced I took notice;
The noise dulled slightly to a humming.

I looked back to Lady Luck
– and I’m sure this wasn’t just a dream –
But she had vanished to the air,

                             Like water into steam.

I said “I don’t believe in luck.”
She still left me something, though.

She said:
                   “You can’t predict the world –
                      I assume this much you know…
                      But if a farmer plants a seed,
                      In that spot, a plant will grow.”

One day, my throat gave out.
For no longer, could I shout.
And I don’t believe in luck,
             So I was simply left with doubt.

I cursed that lady’s words.
I told myself that she was crazy.
       When something caught my eye…
       There - at my feet - grew a daisy.
A daisy… In the desert…
So despite how bad my head hurt,
I thanked God for Lady Luck.
         I thanked God that I had met her.

The noise I heard was her opposite.
               It was the presence of chance.

I've learned the farmer can’t predict the world,
But, as surely as seeds grow into plants . . .
                     My only choices are my actions.
                     So, I think I’ll take today to dance.

There was a time
within me
I wanted to be
an actor
beaming
on stage
or a screen
big or small
no matter to me
after all
The exposure is nice
I guess
and all that kind of stuff
but that’s not what drew me to it
Just being an actor
was enough

I enjoy performing
and have a memory
for lines
One of those people
who can quote
a whole movie
It plays in my head
can fast forward
and rewind

But it’s easy to recite
the work of another
One who already
searched within
and discovered
what to emote
the affect
and such
To replay like a puppet
That’s not saying much
Could I nail
the scene
and get the feeling right?
When other actors work with me
maybe they might
get inspired
to the point
they become lost in the scene
We’re reliving
the story
A fantastic team
When the director yells
“Cut!”
all applaud and cheer
Tears in the eyes of some
touching memories
they hold near

The performance
The “art”
that’s what matters most
A singer belting out a song
or a comic
at a roast
The thought of it now
gets me giddy
and inspired
but yet
here I sit
In my chair
I am mired

Never took that step
Overcoming
all that fear
My doubts and insecurities
Worry how much others care
That fear
of failure
or that I wouldn’t
“measure up”
A deer frozen
in headlights
I am forever stuck

And as the time continues on
The days, and months and years roll by
Which is the greater loss?
If I failed
or never tried?

To write,
What you feel
And to feel
What you write
Is the feeling
When you feel truly right
Inspired

Women were mentioned as
God's most beautiful creation!
But seeing some of their situations today
Seems all is left is Just the cremation

Today's world is
faster than ever
And without feminine
It cannot last forever

Why is that so hard for a girl
to live on her own?
She's not a toy to play with whenever you want
& make her moan!

Pity those who think
women are to only produce a baby!
Give her your faith and support
She'll become one you hadn't ever imagine her to be

And **** those who calls a girl *****
& fix her rate
After realizing the fact that
She's not in their fate

Everyday some monster **** a woman ruthlessly
What do we do; Just look the other way
Hundreds of women are harrased and killed everyday
I wish there too could be some sundays!

Just when she finds a staircase
to reach to her crown
Why she also finds thousands?
Eagerly waiting to pull her down

They have potential to rule the world
They are not destined to be nun
They can show the world
Why should boys have all the fun!

Those squinty little eyes
everytime she smiles
Those sullen teary eyes
everytime she unreasonably cries
That walking on streets
holding each other's hand tight
Those silly silly things
over we love to fight
Those endless talks, that nonstop chattering
But being with her; everything is worthwhile

That staring her silently
When she laughs insanely
That enjoying watching her in bed
When she snores so quitely
Sheltering under the blanket
Snuggling each other tightly
Kissing each other against the cold
That warmth we could see in each other's eyes precisely
These little little moments are the reason
This life seems so worthy and lively

Wish all this could be true & not creations of my mind's illusory tunnel
Cause in those cozy moonless nights, I really wanna hug her tight and cuddle
Why this life ain't Just simpler than simple?
Why our feelings has started Judging over looks & pimples!
We live in the world where everything is blurred & puzzled
Thus it feels so safe living in your own imaginary bubble
Yeah, it’s a dream I wanna dream every night
Cause it feels like livin' in a dark paradise
Cause it feels so good livin' in a dark paradise

Dreams. Aspirations.
Reality through the blurred visions
In search of
fading destination
Fallouts. Selfdoubts.
High on bad decisions
Want to scream out loud
Wanna touch the clouds
but stuck in a shell
Paranoid as hell
Craving miracles to happen
In more than many ways
Sleepless nights, dreadful days
Constant flow of thoughts
running through veins of brain
Past to regret about
Present to curse upon
Future to dwell on
And all that we need is an escape
Not to quit
but to be quite
To feel the peace
To use our elite wits
Through which art can speak
& words can live
To concentrate
without caring about the consequence
Hit the right note
& make the most of it
with what you got
This life ain't free of cost.