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31
Raw words Aug 2014
31
He'll be 31 soon and he hasn't settled down yet.
Is he looking for a wife? Yes. The man that carries a broom is on a mission. I stay smitten and graceful with every man who wishes to have a piece or be apart of my life. So many have wanted that place, but then become fooled and fall from their grace. With a misplaced heart they claim to be no part. They haven't a clue where to start or what part they wish to mark. On my body, on my soul. Choose your role.
Thoughts
Raw words Mar 2014
I started to wonder why I had no friends 
Sitting on the beach 
Tears drain from my eyes 
Drips and fear of my demise 
True friends are hard to find and I've never trusted mine 
I do not know there hopes and fears
As they do not know mine 
I am fine left alone 
Although my jealousy rust my bones 
Growing older and confused about what I own
Why I'm here 
I start to live in fear
For the unknown and the ones who promise me words with nothing to show
My trust is strong and I hope to live long 
But this mind is badgering and I start to deteriorate the own
My skin bleeds as I strive for something that can never be seen
This flesh is pointless 
This mind is pointless 
What is love but a burden on my soul 
Trusting another seems so unknown 
I don't know 
How to
Love you
Raw words Sep 2014
I feel hunger
Have no taste
Food does not appetize
You do
I feel hunger
I do not want to eat
For to be full on something other than you seems untrue
Can I be
I feel misery
Hungry
They say I am thin
I feel huge compared to them
Could it be
This heavy soul
That consumes me
My insides growing and blooming
Over the lust I have for you
Food does not appetize
In the daze to come
You will want more
But feeding without feeling cannot be ignored
My lust growing
Like a **** inside
My organs yearn for the food I choose to hide
For the food would take up too much space
If feeling was consumed a grace from above would give me my taste
The food would be good
But feeding without feeling cannot be ignored
Please may I have some more?
Raw words Jul 2014
She's really ****** tired
Really often wired
She's tired bones inside cry and she dreams to rise 
From the bed 
Go to work instead 
Hopeless dreams became reality when she realized the rose glasses needed to be cleaned
For her insides cried in disbelief to what she used to be and what has been done 
But the past doesn't matter 
What's done is done 
Keeping a hopeful heart keeps putting her back to the start 
For falling 
Wandering 
And hitting the dirt 
Heart first 
To be bitter would be an option 
To be angry seems so far away
Sadness turns that way but a hopeful heart puts her back at the start
To hope for a man to love 
A man that truly does 
Hopeful hearts find each other.
Raw words Sep 2014
We're all fighting the same battle
Sometimes it's just nice to fight the battle with someone
Someone to stand by your side
Someone like a ride or die
Till death
This morbid mind sets in and now we all have been
Dis allusions
Gone
Drained
My mind is shredding as I imagine my eyes drained from my face with black holes left for distaste
If you only knew
Who I was
Where I came from
A complex soul
One like your own
A battle for years I hope you never have to hold
A soul lost from an entertained thought
Beyond this skull is mine ahead
For in space
It has made it's place
An infinite bond
Of thyself
Which is you need
But to love
That is the hard part
To love yourself
Begins with a smile
A grounded foot planted to where you stand
A hope in love
A faith in god
A choice to be like the others
Ignorance is bliss
I yearn to think like this
Calm
Content
Those who do not wonder for the skies
Those who do try to change
Those who do not think of what the words mean
Those who pass time with smiles
Pass time with ignorance
To the space
To the back of the soul
One million miles of infinite going
Back to you
Bounce happiness
It will come back bounce hope
You will receive
Anything you wish for
Anything you ask
Believe it
Want it
Ask for it
Receive
Raw words Aug 2019
Its been a long time
We haven't seen each other
you and me
the one inside that fills my soul
the one who only knows my role
you are I and I am you
striving thinking and praying
what should we do

you're married now,
who knew
that that man in the mirror was looking at you
you combed his hair
you let him near
you listened to his goals and his fears
all in all keeping a distance to keep him near
you married him and thats all you know
how to love is a great mystery
and we know thats why we are here
to learn
to be taught
to feed our souls for that one thought
of what to do
being loved, by me to you
I said who knew
you
thats who.
Raw words Jul 2013
God please forgive me
for I have sinned
a many of them
Lies to genuine believers
Immortality rises in my mind
I go blind
Black outs and faded nights
Heart beats hard and fast
Mind spins from that beer in the glass
Morals have been confused
Take me back to that girl who didn't abuse
Take me back please god take me back
Eyes melt into a thousand disappointed atoms of my self worth
This is my life and I have treated it wrongly
Thank you for the pain
To teach me the blessing of not abusing my body
I am not addicted
but afflicted by the fake smiles I gain
From altering my mind with substance not kind
A poison to make me feel this way now
A poison I diagnose myself with
It felt better without all of this
I should reap what I've done
I gracefully won the battle of challenge
My mind still aches
tummy is okay
Peace of mind
draw me back in please
Beggars on her knees
This is me
Praying for the sun to uplift me on it's own
Not to need my soul removed
Not to need something to make me smile
It was a fake grin
Filled with sin
Raw words Feb 2014
Heart drenched in sour bliss
Lost from someone who is missed
In a rage I busted out of the cage
Your wants of locking me away was well played
Brighter am I than any sun in your eye
Migraines into persistence of what I should be doing
My lost mind wants to cry
Pain slicing through the middle made from confusion and illusion
Where am I>
Why am I here
There is no reason to go through so much fear
Living here.
Raw words Jan 2014
I can always hear it when it's recording me 
Men's in the streets see me at my best 
Out the window they reap and fall for me 
They speak of me 
Out there on that street 
The man reap for me 
The men fall for me 
The bounce the basketballs for me 
In the rain they still stand 
While the dream of their holy land of me 
In my ******* listening the beat 
In my mind 
All the time 
Where's the score when your always writing more?
More than what's being seen 
Making **** up to worn and own me 
This is the real we
Together we battle 
The Gemini 
So denied about
The girl in the streets 
The girl that always weaps
The men that I fall for 
Bitter but so sweet 
Lost and turned repeat 
Music speaks to me 
Your love 
Ooh ee oo ah ah ah 
Love that beat 
The rains 
Falling for me.
Raw words Jul 2014
I'm not sure if we're meant to be
I am unsure if you and I are compatible
For it will take forever for you to crack through this shell
And I'd hate to put you through that hell
I would keep wondering why we were together
Keep finding something wrong with you or us
I am not in the right state of mind to follow a man who does not understand me or who I am
I know someone could love you more
Goodluck to you and yours
Raw words Sep 2014
****
It's stuck again
This soul
This mind
One in the same
The ****** has come
To block my flow
**** you
For you've partially taken my soul
To not move on my own
To not think
She's stuck
Oh god please get out
For whatever reason it's a sad one
Inside I bleed while my outsides never make a peep
Closest to me no one will ever be
We are inside
You and I
Left behind to live on our owns
To not cause pain when the stones
Casted is our own
That pain I drive
A feeling I want to subside
But leaves me still alive
To press this face to the dirt
To breath it in till it hurts
What a wish
What a thought
You are boring
So am I
Unless we're high
Which I can no longer lie
Beside you
Raw words Jul 2013
You act like you care
You don't
Why act like you would dare
to stare into my eyes
Like the moon was drifting beyond my skull
You wouldn't
You hurt
say you will
Poets and people alike
We are not the same
I am sane
Or so I say
Your not crazy if you know you are
I am sane
Same as you
Crazed and amazed
by someone like you

Dare to be so near
But pull away
as if the gods have something to take
They do
You
From I, I am scared
I do pull
I pull on you
Down far away
from this earths surface
Into the depths of the sun
We are rays of sunlight together
trying to find our way out
We can if we calm
If we decide to accept the love we both have to offer
If we not push our past into each other and agree to settle
Settle for what we see
instead of what our crazy minds choose to believe
Raw words Sep 2013
I sit in my apartment quiet 
Wounded so hard inside 
My chest feels like a hole has been dug out 
I cry because I can't believe 
I've lost my beliefs when you took my trust 
I trusted you completely 
How naive and ignorant of me 
How ungraceful to allow you in my body 
I cry when I'm in my bed 
Where you left me 
Naked at the door 
I feel that moment once more 
So blurry 
Every man 
Every person 
Reaps what you have sworn into my mind of a mysterious river full of lies 
Trust. I cannot 
It was hard before but now it is irrelevant.
I do not trust inside. Myself or anyone else
You broke me. I'm numb, I'm a sore.
Raw words Apr 2014
How could I not think of something that presses on my soul so deeply in thoughts that this physical life might leave me
As I questioned why to live before
Now I endure
A sickness that is taken the physical form of something life altering and born
Raw words May 2014
He broke my heart so quickly 
So fast as I hoped it'd be 
Faster than my mouth could speak 
I couldn't get a word in
That was it 
It was over 
The love I'd hoped he'd be 
He broke my dreams 
So easily
Like an hor dourve 
No thank you please
Priorities.
From his smile
Raw words Dec 2013
I'm just as scared of you 
I see you in the mirror too
Grace the nation 
With your presence and patience 
Grace is your key to success my baby 
You see my father speaks to me through music and this I'm blessed with 
Something strong and I'm at rest with 
How long does it take for you to write 
When all this loves from a strike 
Speaking through music 
I won't abuse this 
I wont Leave this or lose this 
My double ended breast formed from a test 
Out of love 
out of sympathy 
My test continues to aw and oohs me 
Cheering for my success and pleased that I'm the best 
My god has made a blessing from the days to help you raise 
Your self 
Your being 
Your everything 
You're lies
You're everything 
You're everything
Momma gets a few hits and I'll admit the shoe always fits 
The mans always ******
At my content and bliss 
My smiles he can't dismiss 
I'm at my prime 
Watch me rhyme 
Watch me grind 
Your ears regarding your fears
Raw words Apr 2015
Eating and sleeping seem hard to do
Even getting out of bed
Getting off my phone
Trailing through social media trying to forget you
****** in
I forget
Thank god
Unlike moments like this
My mind filled with nothing but thoughts of you
What did we do
She believes in love
She believes in learning
Trying
And above all she believes in you
But a cracked heart can't hold together for too long
It freezes to hold stronger
Falling apart seems easier
But not better
It is sad
Sad that you haven't learned
Thankful that I have
You say love
But I could never believe you
You said forever
But quickly threw in the towel
Lust for others outside
Lust for holding onto your Pride
What about love
What we had or what I had for you
Trying is love
Relationships
Priorities
Laughs
Happiness
One cannot be happy in two if one is not
In hopes that we will have what we had
I was happy
I was in love
A roller coaster of emotions due to volnerability
I could never believe you
I loved and I would never do those things to you
Grieving
Raw words Sep 2013
Must you 
Be so un-endearing 
When times of sadness sweeps my mind and my darkness goes blind 
Shots to my head like I'm going to be dead next 
Would you? 
Because I'm telling you something you didn't know. My chipper attitude isn't priceless. It comes along with sorrow and bliss. 
Together. 
YOUR attitude 
Your hostility of what you don't understand and could never comprehend is unparalleled to my darkness I feel. 
Leave me alone and just let me be real.
Raw words Jan 2016
A hard time I lay in bed I stare at the ceiling thinking its white and beautiful as my eyes fog with tears they stream down the sides of my face I recognize the ceiling isn't perfect it has cracks in it little circles of craters throughout but for that moment of hope I felt in my soul it looked beautifully clear and white. The sunshine shines in at 12:30pm I lay in question about what to do or why to do. I stroke my wrists in need for a feeling. Of something because I'm numb. My defenses are up physically but emotionally I'm drained heavily. I strike my nails deep into my skin and it's not enough. I can't feel anything. I dug deeper to feel something. What's in here. Nothing. Do I have anything to offer anyone in this world? There's nothing here. Burns up and down strikes that are sore from slashes of self disbelief. I feel after. The burning. The whip. It's a slap feeling. It's not enough but I love some and want to stay. For those children.
That's not what I want no, that's not what I will to start. It's not always meant to be it's not always up to me. "" No.
Raw words May 2014
You left all those hairs everywhere 
From that manly chest 
My grizzly test 
I sleep well next to you 
Falling asleep with nothing to lose 
With you by my side I feel alive 
With you gone, 
It's something we shouldn't discuss on 
For I have learned more than to be calm 
To cherish the moments we spend 
Because you may never be back again 
God please bless my soul with the vitamins so I can see 
It's black around 
Hard for me to smile or make a sound 
I want the one who doesn't want me 
It's how it goes 
My relationships dwelling on hoes
Men who sleep and hold a woman's heart 
And takes it with her from the start 
Your Israeli but not a gypsy 
Please come back and give me what you felt like 
Love
Serenity 
Calm love 
Real easy love 
My oppression of what I gave to you 
My heart pieces of my soul 
From poetry I read while you held my ******* 
From talks of a man who made me who does not exist anymore 
I felt something more
With you 
I cried over you 
I don't do that 
I wanted you 
I still want you 
But if you come back, you'll do this again 
Never communicate like a solid man 
Like my wonderful dream husband I thought you might be
In love with ideals of who I'm wishing someone who be, because without him here we'll never know
Raw words Jun 2014
Waking up in the morning is hard to do
All I do is think of you from the moments that I go to sleep to the moments that I wake up
Moments are all we're living for
I realize I'm just living for you
When I take a shower all I think about is you
After scrubbing and bleaching the walls
I find myself in tears while the water drips down 
I through out everything you touched
But still you remain in my mind
And when I cry I cry hard
Love
you will never know because I smile and that's all I'll ever show
Raw words Jun 2014
When did I ever become so addicted?
Addicted to love and lust
My free time spent with wondrous thoughts of us
There is no us
I'm infatuated by your negligence
I want to be done with you
Once I get to the doctor
Make sure you haven't deceased me by the poor use of my body
If at any moment I believed you were my love for life
If at that second of drunken advantage you took
The man who I dated
The man or shall I say boy
The boy who I thought was so amazing
A great leader, you are not
How can I respect this person you've become
You are nothing
Less than a spec on my shoe
That is something you always knew
Let's hope I'm not diseased
And if I am
You aren't too far away
And I'll get my revenge someday
Although I know my Buddhist thoughts won't let me jump from my graceful ways
You have made me cry
You have made me stare at the wall the first time you walked out on me
Masochistic
I've become
I don't want to be
Gods help me
Pull me from this well I've dropped and drowned in
For I am a follower of a boys lost dreams
A boy who I dreamt and always do
Every second
Get over him
Get over him
Get over him
He's **** with a lack of respect
No integrity
No care
No man
He's so entitled
He's judgmental
We hate that
He's a liar
We hate that
He can't look in my eyes
He can't hold me at night
He has no love
He is ****
He is a battered human
With a soul that will deter from the karma he's obscured
Such a sorrow to not want me
For what I have to offer is so rare
I plead
In my mind I drift away from human kind
Out of me out of my bed out of my apt
You left me
Abandonment
Sadness
Grieving of life without your charismatic so ridiculously thought of who you were
A far fetch of how you are
I want a talk
But I wouldn't
I couldn't
Not after what you did
'twas not I on top while in a drunken night
At the bottom with a roofie in my eye
Eyes shut while my battered soul received more
Did that really happen?
You say I shouldn't drink so much but we all know what you did
I wasn't drunk
I was drugged
You are a coward
I will never bare your children
I took the pill for that
I knew you would leave me
I knew what happened would make my soul cry
It has
It does
I want something better
My angry words
I apologize
I am human in your eyes
I wish the best for you and I hope you have unconditional love for someone soon
I hope that you are blessed with all you wish for
I wish for your health
I wish for your happiness
I am grateful for the fun moments we shared and I understand that they will not happen again
I apologize for the broken words I've spilt towards you in my writings behind your back
Please understand they are to help me relax
I wish the best for you in whatever you do.
It's over
Raw words May 2014
I stare out the window wishing you'll come walking 
around that wall
Where are you 
For a short time I felt secure with you 
Did I do something to deserve the blank numb stares I give outside?
I'm obsessed and down at the same time 
Wishing non stop every minute of the days that pass for you to come back 
My heart is wrenched and slowly breaking 
Turning kneads into bitter broken leaves 
My poetry is sad
You're the one I want please be who I hope and who I was so sure of that you'd be 
I feel you watching me 
I'm sure you're not 
I promise I think he's my love 
Another husband? 
No. Security is what I felt 
I didn't question it 
he is it 
There I go looking out that window again
Come sit and wait for me like you once did 
Come see the rainbow after the storm the way you did 
Come snuggle my cheeks the way you once did 
Come lay with me tell me how amazing it feels to just be together 
Why did I ruin it
Alcohol 
It ruins more than livers
I can't walk anywhere without you in my front mind
I can't walk for myself without you 
I'm walking with the blues I have for you 
Looking again 
Is it him 
I'm obsessed.
Raw words Oct 2014
My mother can't get here fast enough
I am falling into the darkest hole
A contemplation of being gone
Where to go and if I'll ever see you again is a constant reminder that I may never will
A constant reminder of who I am
Where I come from because being far from so long from my family is getting me cold and tired of living
I miss something that no longer exist in my presence as if they are of an ex partnership
Although they are who make me who I am
At a wedding
She dances with her father
I never get that chance
He's gone
And I'm sure others are in my place
Dancing with my father
Where are you
Why did you leave
If I go will you be there
God if there is one
Save me
Save me from this heartache causing influence to my morbid thoughts
My morbid thoughts of taking a life that exists to be with one that no longer exists
I'm so lost
Confused
If I cannot speak to someone I lie with
I cannot be with them
Openness is what I truly need
Someone who knows me
Someone who understands me
Someone who wants me for who I am
Inside
I'm in a bathroom writing at a friends wedding after her dance with her father
Raw words May 2015
Bow your sweet heads and pray for us

When I said I never loved another like I do you
I meant it
A soul mate and partner in one
The fright overwhelms me
To thoughts of not having you
For I know what losing feels like
For eternity is what I hope for us
Together and in fright for forever scares me but with you I have only hope
A simple disposition based on infinite love
A graceful way to live
Love
The only thing to live for
Together
But the fear may be
One day without you near
May we be 90 and grey
Cold and stolen away
I hope to never see that day
But a morbid mind sometimes needs rest
I pray for that
I pray for us
Enjoy the moments we have
For no one knows what's after this
All I can pray is my love
My family
Joins me with this next sequence of minded matters
I love you into the light
Into the night
And the darkness I hold in my heart
You shine it out
Flying with you
You are the part of this dream that I never want to end
You have become the most feared
You have become the most loved
I miss you the second I don't see that smile
There is no understatements
There is no comparisons
There are no questions
This is life
And it's Ours together
Raw words Feb 2015
When you find it
It finds you
Loving you
Being blue
All those days
Before you
Grey and black and blue
Blue
With you
On my mind
On my skin
Inside
And within
My love is real
Your here to stay
Knowing that you won't go away
Well that's a poem for another day
Because this is love
Blue
Floating on fluffy white snowy fights
Tossing a tickle to see that smile
Or thy toes between mine
That heart beating the same
Pulses rise between my thighs and I sigh for another drip
Your hands they grip
Holding my skin and my heart
Hold tight
Never pain
I can see the light
That this masochistic mind is now alright
Dissipating a sorrow soul
Deep and hidden you have found a role
As my partner
As my friend
As the love I knew I would win
Blue
Butterflies
Who knew
It's you
She's in love.
Raw words Jul 2013
I'm looking for something in all the wrong places
The many faces I have
To all the men who believe in my sin
So many, too many to call kin
Although I've let them in
Not this soul
Never an ******* role
Because I'm searching for a man made of music
To fill my lonesome void
He doesn't exist
Do you keep trying?
Keep having a moment of sabotage
This body
This heart
Can't feel what your tryin to give
Because I'm looking for something that doesn't live
I'm living, I'm the music
I'm what I'm looking for
Raw words Aug 2015
Roses in the bath
Run around makes me laugh
Lavender in the bed
For your aching head
Chicken for your soul
I filled your bowl
For I am lost
Without
You
Raw words Aug 2015
Sleep is no where
I wish you'd grow a pair
And be here
With me
Snuggling sweet
God I miss you
My love so dear
My darling
Tonight I saw a video I hadn't seen before
I was splashing by the shore
And as I watched
Your beautiful laugh I so adore
Leaves me alone as I put it away and try to forget those unbelievably blissful days
Real love is what I had for you
If only you knew
If only you felt the same
If only I was worth it to you
I tried
I tried so hard
To make you happy
But inside of you
Not far from the surface
Was a boy who is troubled
Maybe he no longer is
With a decision that will set everyone else at ease
Today my mother cried
It pains her to know how much I really loved you and how hurt I am
I hold it well, can never let them see you sweat
My friend cried yesterday
She couldn't understand
We were so happy
God I miss you
If you would
Maybe I could
Try
Like I do
Try to forgive you
But he must come on a horse
And tell all the lands
Who I am
His love
From above
For eternity we both can have
Together
Raw words Aug 2015
When you drew in the snow AR
When you told me I was beautiful everyday
When I looked at you like the light of my life
When everything you did made me smile
When I cried from the thought of losing you 2 weeks in
When I knew you loved me
When I knew the kisses were real
When I believed you
When I wanted to feed you
When you cried on my bday from
Nerves to make me happy
When we danced the limbo
When we ate cake in bed
When we took pictures of our food for an album that will never be
When we made love all day
When we slept naked
When we woke up and made love again
When we smoked and laughed
When we listened to Dave Matthews Band and you were relaxed
When I didn't cry everyday
When I tried to wipe your scars away
When you rubbed my face to clear my sinuses
When you kissed my back as we spooned to sleep
When I didn't think you would ever leave
When you wanted to see me more
When I missed you every second you walked out the door
When I didn't blame our falling out on falling in
When I told the truth about what we were going through
When I needed you
When you needed me
I miss you so so so so so so much
I miss us and what we had
It was so unreal
Maybe because it wasn't real
Whatever it was I want it back
I want those rose scrub baths
I want happy dances that you gave me
I want your smile that was my favorite
Your voice that I loved so much
Your eyes that were filled with so much emotion I could see through
I was angry you let us go
For someone else.
Raw words Oct 2015
Most mornings I think of you
Today I cried
Thoughts about our happiness overwhelm me in the realization they are no more
We are never going back there
And I miss those days more than anything
Waking up next to you once was a dream
The comfort was so real
I would look into your resting body and felt something I can no longer explain
It was a love
Not lust or greed of wanting all of you
It was undeniably real care and love
We lost it
Raw words Aug 2013
What goes around comes around comes back ah roundddd
What goes around comes back around
What goes around comes back around
Like writing this song I get a pebble in my shoe
To remind me what I didn't knew
Smiles in the streets
Blinds in the sheets
Kisses at my feet
Misses by your beat
What goes around comes
Back ahhh round
I said what goes around
Goes around
GOOoooo round
And around here we lay it down nice
They seem like a priceless vice
While you remain their gifted price
To take out
To make out
It will be one to despair
Myself and your lonely pair
*****; till it falls
your my mistake and withdrawal
Keep that bittersweet by side and three times you will rise
Peace
Broke a piece of my heart
Peace
See you next lifetime
You might be a slug
I thought too much from you
I'm a fool
To think you could truly make it drool
You lied,
you've now said your goodbyes
Mistrust
My naive bliss
Red colored glasses in times like this
Vulnerability.
I've been used by someone who seemed like they could create a castle in my mind, he did. I am under the spell. I am seeking a solution. He already has a princess and castle and sees me as a mistress to be. But he is no knight, an independent, against the normal different man. He does not support a talent besides words spoken. Actions. Actions he hasn't shown:
Raw words Oct 2014
With lust you are driven
In a mind full of ignorance
A simple deteriorating soul
Lost in depths filled with sin
Lies be seat you
Harm will move you
My anger indulges you
You will feel my wrath
As I stand back and laugh
For the pain you've caused has only bounced back
You will never hear these cries
I will never again honor your lies
I wish for nothing more than to be away from your sworns
With deep roots into a soul that has many lives to conquer back
You will be alone
Your souls to slap
For I will not be in thy arms
For I will not be at your waste
For your means to life and what you choose is very much far beneath mine
A materialistic fool
For everyone knows new money drools
You are such a dog
And id be shamed to dance with a counting hungry fool
My estates
My family
You will never be
For I can see the real you and me
There is no you
Only me.
Lust after one who loves
Raw words Sep 2014
In the mind of a sinner
Only you have the right
To choose of happiness
To choose of worth
Some give away
Some stay away
From a deep hole that consumes us all
For an addiction
The strongest of all
We have noted
It's a choice
A choice to rise or to fall
With every step we take another twig will break
Stepping
Choosing
The lust or the love
They are not the same
Nor are they in the same
Besides what could be used to want
But no one wants lust
Lust is superficial
Love is a feeling
A choice to do unto others as you wish to be done to you
A feeling you give to receive the same
A hope
A dream
We all came from the same thing
These stars
This air
We breath the same
Have respect
Have the decency
Have the love you wish to hone
Love lust want give respect
Raw words Nov 2015
If in fact you were to say
You couldn't live with the pain another day
I might believe you
Knowing we are the same
But will you lose yourself again
Will you subdue yourself to your parents
To a fixed religion
You might
So the answer I'm not sure
As you are unsure of your feelings you had for me
Love doesn't reside in you for me
It may had
But god my God do I miss you
All the running around laughing
Smiles in the sunshine
Where did it go
You stopped loving me for something you didn't know
Something that interests you
Like death
You were interested in the thought of what lies ahead more so than what we had
So you became obsessed
Obsessed with something you don't understand
Death
Well I do
Understand
Death will Happen for it has to me
Different kinds
Then you may know what now is worth
To not obsess over thoughts all day
To not believe in throwing all the money you make away
On some thought of what happens to you one day
It's selfish
Of you and of them
Amount yourself from a dark place
Of terror and belief in something that's only negative you see
God I lost you
It's hard to believe
I lost my favorite thing
I started to resent you
I started to wonder why wasn't I included
You saw that
You felt my resentment
Because your culture is a cult. All of them
We are different
And I loved you so so much
More than the words could say
And I'm still sad
Keep wishing things will go back to what they were
Why would you spend your life in sadness
In dishonor to yourself
To your soul
You have and only are harming yourself
Even if it's not us
Let your soul set you free
Be whoever you want to be
And please
Please be happy
Raw words Jul 2013
I'm so lonely
I'm so hungry
I keep wishing for someone to love me
But when they do
I make sure they have to prove
By sabotage and regret
From every step
We've made
I'm disappointed once again
In my love for god
And my deep rooted sins
I know I shouldn't let you in
But I will
Sabotage and pain
I know we have nothing to gain
But a need for need
I'm sure you won't succeed
Pessimism isn't I
I am real and do not lie
To myself or others
Would I throw my body in a river to catch you?
Yes I would drown before I watched you go
I can't stand the thought of goodbyes
Goodbye forever?
Or for an hour
Too many gone
Forever
Raw words Jun 2014
Most of the time
I choose
I choose to walk
I choose
I have
I choose
I choose to run
I choose
I have
I choose
I have legs I use
I have a mind I think
I have a mouth I speak
A walking soul I am
A mindless mole I am not
I wrote
I chose
About you
It was a choice
I chose you
Raw words Sep 2015
It's been over a month and I still find myself on the verge of tears as I get lost in my own thoughts, the good and the bad. I can only hope you're safe, for I have prayed that you find your way. I think about the dancing together, the relaxing evenings, the pictures of dinner all meant for something I thought was so real and now it's gone. Or it never was. I'm starting to think it was some sort of dream, the whole thing. You're gone so what is there to believe. I am having trouble understanding the reason to live once again. I find myself wandering in thoughts, I am so so so lost. There are things, but I can not stop thinking of you. Whether it be anger, resentment, happiness. It's truly s death. One of which I will never understand. I am sad. I am lost. That is the truth. Although I play a good role of a voice who bashes my own love; or what he was. I miss you. The fact that we aren't dead. Why would we do this. Why couldn't you be a man. Stand up for yourself. One day they will go and you will be left alone here standing on a ground, where will life put you then? Will you still follow a horrid life, full of rules that you yourself do not understand. The only thing in life that is worth anything is love. Where are you.
Raw words Jun 2014
I enjoy being content, in the moment I thought on which cup to put my wine in realization that does not need to be a fancy cup
Just for me
I don't need to feel like the riches are at my feet 
When I am content with playing with a rock on water to the same as I am with playing with a frisbee 
What I do does not have to exceed a bar 
A level
Of material 
.statice.
I had to put myself there to remember 
Meditation isn't easy 
But it can be
When you choose to be free 
To yourself
Be open 
Positive and outgoing 
Don't hold yourself back 
You deserve nothing but the world
It means so much to you 
You are light 
You are shining same as all of us
We are happy for each other 
We are in love with ourselves and one another 
Be yourself 
Be happy 
Be free 
Yes he is on my mind 
I'm choosing him there 
But we must go on, 
We are happy and strong
Raw words Oct 2013
These shouldn't be falling down my face 
For all that I lust turns to hate.
Falling 
Falling down my face
Breath.
I can't look into my eyes
Black inside.
A glittered face forced into grace 
My love took my pace.
Of happiness 
And growth that I wished to be with you
We weren't.
I was blind 
Shoulda known that fake smile was real.
The game of you planning to steal.
My heart
my soul
my happiness and ownself.
Twenty sevens years you will reap one of your seven sins
That you wish to bestow on me
Now I wish
on your knees 
take it all *****.
Raw words Sep 2015
Sometimes I miss my family so much, the weekend brunches, the shopping the laughing the fighting. When is missing too much? And when do we choose what's right for us? How do we know where we are or what we are doing is right? Sometimes I wonder if would be easier back home but I enjoy challenges, but maybe I'm starting to recognize that I have family. Some who have passed and I know what life is worth. The beauty of someone you love living is so precious and I believe should be cherished. But to what degree? If we all stayed near our family would we be consumed by comfort? Is that a bad thing? Or Oder all left the nests. Would that be selfish? Would then be the regret we hoped to not have in life when we choose to leave in hopes to never regret not leaving. What's right? We will never know. 4 years of a precious souled nephew I have has passed in his 6 years of age. And the niece well she's two. Sometimes I'm the one who feels like I'm missing out. On life. As it unfolds and grows. And for what? I am lucky. I am grateful. I have a serious need to search and find happiness. My sister once told me places don't make you happy whose around you does. Guaranteed she and I don't make each other happy all the time and thinking of going back to be able to hold her each day makes that thought worth all the loss and gain. I love them. That feeling is real and true. Something I have taken for granted. But could I live? In a small town once again? I could for the love of my family. But I fear my boredom. Because being around ppl gives me an undrugged high. Something that I crave. I crave the ppl who don't know me, the ppl who shouldn't matter but for some strange reason I have a strong comfort in that. My family, they know everything. They can see right through me. And yes they call it out; as they should. Going back home can be exhaustingly draining, but I appreciate the reality check, and I appreciate the love they give without hugs, I know it's there, because they know the real me. The real me who has such troubles no one could ever see. The real me no one in this world would wish to be. Drownding in an ocean. Floating on a wave. That's the peace I feel in the small towns. With slowly driving by faces pass I might know from the tiny tiny town, a daze I have from the years I spent drained and weak, literally unable to speak. Those memories stay when I go back. But the memories of real love, real friendship, real happiness, real music, real health, that's all there too. And so is my family. I wish they would move. I suppose I'm just not ready to leave NYC yet. Time will tell and I will remain comfortable by that thought. But the more I visit the more I miss them. Family is everything. I believe in that, and I'm thankful for the little family I have.
Raw words Nov 2013
Which of you are not my ex
Which of you hold my hand without a plan 
God is inside that light 
That I see 
Of compassion calm and forgiveness 
Burns bright into my eyes 
Heavens gate can't you see
Weren't all meant to be crazed like the sea 
The trees 
And the beings
That come from 
the light 
the sun 
and where it all begun
Raw words Jun 2013
My motives are unclean
They pour out like the ****** stream
Deep and unknown to the site of a man I once dreamt to be with
It's not about love now
It's about freedom
It's about never needing them
Feeling free I doubt I'll be
Without him really here
He's so dramatic but too charismatic
A serious disposition that I refuse to endure
The feeling of real love
Crazy love, real love
Something told me I shouldn't call
but I can't stand to watch you fall
Alone
Stay calm, your mind is beautiful when at ease
Stay calm and we can be the ones to watch the sea
Crazy love crazy like no ones there
Your face is blank like a stare
a glare
Or a rose colored pair
Raw words Aug 2015
I just can't help it
Where did you go
What happened
I know things weren't always perfect
Things changed
We seemed to grow apart
Your religion meant more to you
I respect your wishes
I respected you
Everyone says they knew
Knew you would do this to me
Sad to say that I trusted you and believed in you so deeply
With all my heart
I gave you all I had
I would have given you life
A child
And infinite happiness
But you weren't happy with me
Who knows if you ever would've been
Or even truly were happy with me
I keep asking myself
What did I do
Why did you give up on me
When I needed you
Where did you go
Are you engaged?
Did you parents tell you to end whatever wasn't good enough?
No idea
If only you were a man who loved me unconditionally
A man who was proud of me
Proud of my aspirations
Proud of my courage
Strength
Courage to tell you when you're wrong
I love you
That is why I speak
I wanted something real
More real than you were giving me
You lied to me
You called me baby
When in your mind your plans
Well they weren't the same as mine
I have bled for you
Cried for you
Begged for you
I trusted you
I put faith in our bond and I never thought it would end
I believed you when you said you would tell your parents
Everyone says you would never
And my client who you wish to be like
Says you never had the ***** to tell your parents about us
And that you let your mutual religion define you too much
You need to be happy
And if being traditional and marrying for status, money, religion, culture, then so be it
I haven't control
You are a man
You have those choices.
Choose wisely
I would never wish any bad to you or your family
I forgive you
Each moment I think of a memory that I miss
Those first kisses in sunlight with heartbeats that beat the same pace
Smiles in the morning
I loved waking up to you
I do miss you
And I miss us and the glimmers of what we could have had each day for the rest of our lives
But you changed your mind about me
Did I get fat?
Did I say something?
Did I hurt you?
I'm so so sorry if I did
My cries are hard and uncontrollable
It's 3am every night
I'm sorry I wasn't perfect
For you
I am covering my pain with anger and a facade of happiness
Everyone thinks I'm taking it so well
I'm so unbelievably in pain
Do you prefer men?
Did I not please you in a timely manner?
Did I not make you breakfast that Sunday and it angered you?
Why
Why
Why
Why did you tell me marriage is where it was going?
Why did you always say fusion if it wasn't real?
Why did you put that ring on my ring finger while I slept?
Why did you lie so much?
Why wasn't I good enough to learn from always?
Why did there need to be an end?
What are the "facts" because you never told me
I rarely ask personal questions
Like the camera
Funny I know you well enough to know that normally you say where someone's going (a destination) you just kept saying "going out of town"
I'm sure you planned your escape farther than that day in advance because you started being unkind after my ex text me
And you simply do not trust me
Why is that?
A projection
That I should have never trusted you.
I wish you happiness, I doubt you will find it unless you decide to be true to yourself, whatever that may be which makes you happy.
If you refuse to live life daily happily instead you are thinking about an after life (dying) well THAT is depressing.
If I thought each day about death, what happens or where we go or even if I did every little thing a book said to do like how to wash my hands, how to bow my head, the list goes on. If I did those things but wasn't an ignorant fool to believe everything I read I would feel depressed and miserable. As do you.
we all have archetypes.
ARCHETYPES
SOULS
ENERGY
MINDS
DO WHAT FEELS GOOD
DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
Whatever that may be
I wish that for you.
& I Forgive you.
Raw words May 2014
I have to get high
I want to be high
I can be alone
But the chill mind
seems better than being alone
A lot of people around
Believe me
I'm NEVER ALONE
Physically.
I feel alone in my soul lacking something more
Take a puff
Breathe
Take a puff
Please
Take a puff
Where the ****
Are you
Raw words Nov 2015
Why do i hate everyone today
Raw words Nov 2013
If time could explain what we came here for
Would we mind it?
To sit stay calm is a blessing we all wish we could have
I know that I am a wandering soul, that carries hundreds inside
Energy to breath, live and feel emotional ties between others
What have I done for myself? I wrote.
Raw words Jan 2014
Being able to speak to yourself is a great accomplishment 
If you played by yourself when you were a kid, chances are that you can pretty much still do this, picture yourself years back- life was pleasurable, sweet and brave 
We fought those army men that my nephew loves from his favorite everything movie for 3 years being Toy Story. A great intelligent mind filled with amazing imagination. Reminds me to be happy. My family makes me happy- and other things, I walk the halls writing this and not paying attention to my pacing as my feet walk back and forth on the floor, gotta keep that energy up. I have a ton of energy, is it the herb? Is it work? They both radiate for attention or at least in my mind they do. Want to spend the day with my dog more than without him shows compassion for my other piece of me. He brings me happiness and yes sometimes things get hard to handle but in the end it is what puts a big smile on my face, so does my family, so does this writing and so does sharing my views. Always wanting to be heard, def have high energy. Do I want to diagnose something that suits my needs? All the things I enjoy to do, like learning from all of you? My nephew is that, filled with joys me my niece never sleeps 
I meant to misspell that, I shouldn't mind if there is a typo, should respect the courage it takes to let the words rest, be pleased with the unsaid, ahead. My rhymes are out of control. An autobiography can be difficult, as life changes do you want to look back at your words? Your lyrics and poetry that have helped us through tough times, even life events? Last night, when 2014 hit I felt a serious pressure of energy shift including a serious control over staying at happiness within myself, I walked the streets home genuinely happy like a child, as I walked by the people on the street and on the train, before I even left work I have spread my cheer to others around me. They can feel the joy as well, the say last year wasn't great, realizing we control our lives is our only fate. We must enjoy the moment of life. It is what we have. We must control the switch in our minds that we are happy. It is a choice. Whatever someone has going on usually shows, if you are going to let a ***** look ruin your day or someone who runs into literally on the street and keeps walking she's not thinking a thing and you are? Many times I bump people and keep moving, they do the same, when they want to. It's a choice to be happy. It's your reaction to what is happening or what went on that makes your life and how the outcome will be. When the outcome is unknown why be negative about it? Why not keep smiling having faith in your sweet life that things will always turn out good? What's wrong with that?? Today I asked my coworkers if they can sum up 2014 in two words what are they? **** it, ******* (that one was mine at first after my hangover from last night) and stay positive (I don't even follow my own rules), someone said- be positive, think thin, and now again I made one up. World Peace. What's wrong with that? Stay positive don't let the hard times take the only thing you really have away, your mind in your faith. Goodnight. Thank you for reading hope you stay positive and continue world peace in the world we can make it more than a beautiful place- not saying it isn't already. Done.
Raw words Nov 2015
When do we stop with the ideas of what it could have been
When do we start loving again
I find it to be hard at times
Where you sobbed on the wall
You left a dark mark
It will not come off
Even bleach cannot take it out
I believe it's a part of your soul
You left it here with me
That hard rush of sadness and truth after I confronted your fault
Your sad and troubled beliefs of what life should be
They fell out of you so deep and stayed here
With your dark eyes now have grown darker I'm sure
For we all have a demon to burn
But you left yours here
Now yours may lie inside of you to stay
I do hope one day you will understand
We are all the same
Never believe things that cause you pain
Yolo

— The End —