Its been a long time
We haven't seen each other
you and me
the one inside that fills my soul
the one who only knows my role
you are I and I am you
striving thinking and praying
what should we do

you're married now,
who knew
that that man in the mirror was looking at you
you combed his hair
you let him near
you listened to his goals and his fears
all in all keeping a distance to keep him near
you married him and thats all you know
how to love is a great mystery
and we know thats why we are here
to learn
to be taught
to feed our souls for that one thought
of what to do
being loved, by me to you
I said who knew
you
thats who.

A hard time I lay in bed I stare at the ceiling thinking its white and beautiful as my eyes fog with tears they stream down the sides of my face I recognize the ceiling isn't perfect it has cracks in it little circles of craters throughout but for that moment of hope I felt in my soul it looked beautifully clear and white. The sunshine shines in at 12:30pm I lay in question about what to do or why to do. I stroke my wrists in need for a feeling. Of something because I'm numb. My defenses are up physically but emotionally I'm drained heavily. I strike my nails deep into my skin and it's not enough. I can't feel anything. I dug deeper to feel something. What's in here. Nothing. Do I have anything to offer anyone in this world? There's nothing here. Burns up and down strikes that are sore from slashes of self disbelief. I feel after. The burning. The whip. It's a slap feeling. It's not enough but I love some and want to stay. For those children.

Why do i hate everyone today

If in fact you were to say
You couldn't live with the pain another day
I might believe you
Knowing we are the same
But will you lose yourself again
Will you subdue yourself to your parents
To a fixed religion
You might
So the answer I'm not sure
As you are unsure of your feelings you had for me
Love doesn't reside in you for me
It may had
But god my God do I miss you
All the running around laughing
Smiles in the sunshine
Where did it go
You stopped loving me for something you didn't know
Something that interests you
Like death
You were interested in the thought of what lies ahead more so than what we had
So you became obsessed
Obsessed with something you don't understand
Death
Well I do
Understand
Death will Happen for it has to me
Different kinds
Then you may know what now is worth
To not obsess over thoughts all day
To not believe in throwing all the money you make away
On some thought of what happens to you one day
It's selfish
Of you and of them
Amount yourself from a dark place
Of terror and belief in something that's only negative you see
God I lost you
It's hard to believe
I lost my favorite thing
I started to resent you
I started to wonder why wasn't I included
You saw that
You felt my resentment
Because your culture is a cult. All of them
We are different
And I loved you so so much
More than the words could say
And I'm still sad
Keep wishing things will go back to what they were
Why would you spend your life in sadness
In dishonor to yourself
To your soul
You have and only are harming yourself
Even if it's not us
Let your soul set you free
Be whoever you want to be
And please
Please be happy

It's been over a month and I still find myself on the verge of tears as I get lost in my own thoughts, the good and the bad. I can only hope you're safe, for I have prayed that you find your way. I think about the dancing together, the relaxing evenings, the pictures of dinner all meant for something I thought was so real and now it's gone. Or it never was. I'm starting to think it was some sort of dream, the whole thing. You're gone so what is there to believe. I am having trouble understanding the reason to live once again. I find myself wandering in thoughts, I am so so so lost. There are things, but I can not stop thinking of you. Whether it be anger, resentment, happiness. It's truly s death. One of which I will never understand. I am sad. I am lost. That is the truth. Although I play a good role of a voice who bashes my own love; or what he was. I miss you. The fact that we aren't dead. Why would we do this. Why couldn't you be a man. Stand up for yourself. One day they will go and you will be left alone here standing on a ground, where will life put you then? Will you still follow a horrid life, full of rules that you yourself do not understand. The only thing in life that is worth anything is love. Where are you.

Sometimes I miss my family so much, the weekend brunches, the shopping the laughing the fighting. When is missing too much? And when do we choose what's right for us? How do we know where we are or what we are doing is right? Sometimes I wonder if would be easier back home but I enjoy challenges, but maybe I'm starting to recognize that I have family. Some who have passed and I know what life is worth. The beauty of someone you love living is so precious and I believe should be cherished. But to what degree? If we all stayed near our family would we be consumed by comfort? Is that a bad thing? Or Oder all left the nests. Would that be selfish? Would then be the regret we hoped to not have in life when we choose to leave in hopes to never regret not leaving. What's right? We will never know. 4 years of a precious souled nephew I have has passed in his 6 years of age. And the niece well she's two. Sometimes I'm the one who feels like I'm missing out. On life. As it unfolds and grows. And for what? I am lucky. I am grateful. I have a serious need to search and find happiness. My sister once told me places don't make you happy whose around you does. Guaranteed she and I don't make each other happy all the time and thinking of going back to be able to hold her each day makes that thought worth all the loss and gain. I love them. That feeling is real and true. Something I have taken for granted. But could I live? In a small town once again? I could for the love of my family. But I fear my boredom. Because being around ppl gives me an undrugged high. Something that I crave. I crave the ppl who don't know me, the ppl who shouldn't matter but for some strange reason I have a strong comfort in that. My family, they know everything. They can see right through me. And yes they call it out; as they should. Going back home can be exhaustingly draining, but I appreciate the reality check, and I appreciate the love they give without hugs, I know it's there, because they know the real me. The real me who has such troubles no one could ever see. The real me no one in this world would wish to be. Drownding in an ocean. Floating on a wave. That's the peace I feel in the small towns. With slowly driving by faces pass I might know from the tiny tiny town, a daze I have from the years I spent drained and weak, literally unable to speak. Those memories stay when I go back. But the memories of real love, real friendship, real happiness, real music, real health, that's all there too. And so is my family. I wish they would move. I suppose I'm just not ready to leave NYC yet. Time will tell and I will remain comfortable by that thought. But the more I visit the more I miss them. Family is everything. I believe in that, and I'm thankful for the little family I have.

When you drew in the snow AR
When you told me I was beautiful everyday
When I looked at you like the light of my life
When everything you did made me smile
When I cried from the thought of losing you 2 weeks in
When I knew you loved me
When I knew the kisses were real
When I believed you
When I wanted to feed you
When you cried on my bday from
Nerves to make me happy
When we danced the limbo
When we ate cake in bed
When we took pictures of our food for an album that will never be
When we made love all day
When we slept naked
When we woke up and made love again
When we smoked and laughed
When we listened to Dave Matthews Band and you were relaxed
When I didn't cry everyday
When I tried to wipe your scars away
When you rubbed my face to clear my sinuses
When you kissed my back as we spooned to sleep
When I didn't think you would ever leave
When you wanted to see me more
When I missed you every second you walked out the door
When I didn't blame our falling out on falling in
When I told the truth about what we were going through
When I needed you
When you needed me
I miss you so so so so so so much
I miss us and what we had
It was so unreal
Maybe because it wasn't real
Whatever it was I want it back
I want those rose scrub baths
I want happy dances that you gave me
I want your smile that was my favorite
Your voice that I loved so much
Your eyes that were filled with so much emotion I could see through
I was angry you let us go
For someone else.

Roses in the bath
Run around makes me laugh
Lavender in the bed
For your aching head
Chicken for your soul
I filled your bowl
For I am lost
Without
You

I just can't help it
Where did you go
What happened
I know things weren't always perfect
Things changed
We seemed to grow apart
Your religion meant more to you
I respect your wishes
I respected you
Everyone says they knew
Knew you would do this to me
Sad to say that I trusted you and believed in you so deeply
With all my heart
I gave you all I had
I would have given you life
A child
And infinite happiness
But you weren't happy with me
Who knows if you ever would've been
Or even truly were happy with me
I keep asking myself
What did I do
Why did you give up on me
When I needed you
Where did you go
Are you engaged?
Did you parents tell you to end whatever wasn't good enough?
No idea
If only you were a man who loved me unconditionally
A man who was proud of me
Proud of my aspirations
Proud of my courage
Strength
Courage to tell you when you're wrong
I love you
That is why I speak
I wanted something real
More real than you were giving me
You lied to me
You called me baby
When in your mind your plans
Well they weren't the same as mine
I have bled for you
Cried for you
Begged for you
I trusted you
I put faith in our bond and I never thought it would end
I believed you when you said you would tell your parents
Everyone says you would never
And my client who you wish to be like
Says you never had the ***** to tell your parents about us
And that you let your mutual religion define you too much
You need to be happy
And if being traditional and marrying for status, money, religion, culture, then so be it
I haven't control
You are a man
You have those choices.
Choose wisely
I would never wish any bad to you or your family
I forgive you
Each moment I think of a memory that I miss
Those first kisses in sunlight with heartbeats that beat the same pace
Smiles in the morning
I loved waking up to you
I do miss you
And I miss us and the glimmers of what we could have had each day for the rest of our lives
But you changed your mind about me
Did I get fat?
Did I say something?
Did I hurt you?
I'm so so sorry if I did
My cries are hard and uncontrollable
It's 3am every night
I'm sorry I wasn't perfect
For you
I am covering my pain with anger and a facade of happiness
Everyone thinks I'm taking it so well
I'm so unbelievably in pain
Do you prefer men?
Did I not please you in a timely manner?
Did I not make you breakfast that Sunday and it angered you?
Why
Why
Why
Why did you tell me marriage is where it was going?
Why did you always say fusion if it wasn't real?
Why did you put that ring on my ring finger while I slept?
Why did you lie so much?
Why wasn't I good enough to learn from always?
Why did there need to be an end?
What are the "facts" because you never told me
I rarely ask personal questions
Like the camera
Funny I know you well enough to know that normally you say where someone's going (a destination) you just kept saying "going out of town"
I'm sure you planned your escape farther than that day in advance because you started being unkind after my ex text me
And you simply do not trust me
Why is that?
A projection
That I should have never trusted you.
I wish you happiness, I doubt you will find it unless you decide to be true to yourself, whatever that may be which makes you happy.
If you refuse to live life daily happily instead you are thinking about an after life (dying) well THAT is depressing.
If I thought each day about death, what happens or where we go or even if I did every little thing a book said to do like how to wash my hands, how to bow my head, the list goes on. If I did those things but wasn't an ignorant fool to believe everything I read I would feel depressed and miserable. As do you.
we all have archetypes.
ARCHETYPES
SOULS
ENERGY
MINDS
DO WHAT FEELS GOOD
DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
Whatever that may be
I wish that for you.
& I Forgive you.

When you find it
It finds you
Loving you
Being blue
All those days
Before you
Grey and black and blue
Blue
With you
On my mind
On my skin
Inside
And within
My love is real
Your here to stay
Knowing that you won't go away
Well that's a poem for another day
Because this is love
Blue
Floating on fluffy white snowy fights
Tossing a tickle to see that smile
Or thy toes between mine
That heart beating the same
Pulses rise between my thighs and I sigh for another drip
Your hands they grip
Holding my skin and my heart
Hold tight
Never pain
I can see the light
That this masochistic mind is now alright
Dissipating a sorrow soul
Deep and hidden you have found a role
As my partner
As my friend
As the love I knew I would win
Blue
Butterflies
Who knew
It's you

****
It's stuck again
This soul
This mind
One in the same
The ****** has come
To block my flow
**** you
For you've partially taken my soul
To not move on my own
To not think
She's stuck
Oh god please get out
For whatever reason it's a sad one
Inside I bleed while my outsides never make a peep
Closest to me no one will ever be
We are inside
You and I
Left behind to live on our owns
To not cause pain when the stones
Casted is our own
That pain I drive
A feeling I want to subside
But leaves me still alive
To press this face to the dirt
To breath it in till it hurts
What a wish
What a thought
You are boring
So am I
Unless we're high
Which I can no longer lie
Beside you

He'll be 31 soon and he hasn't settled down yet.
Is he looking for a wife? Yes. The man that carries a broom is on a mission. I stay smitten and graceful with every man who wishes to have a piece or be apart of my life. So many have wanted that place, but then become fooled and fall from their grace. With a misplaced heart they claim to be no part. They haven't a clue where to start or what part they wish to mark. On my body, on my soul. Choose your role.

Most of the time
I choose
I choose to walk
I choose
I have
I choose
I choose to run
I choose
I have
I choose
I have legs I use
I have a mind I think
I have a mouth I speak
A walking soul I am
A mindless mole I am not
I wrote
I chose
About you
It was a choice
I chose you

When did I ever become so addicted?
Addicted to love and lust
My free time spent with wondrous thoughts of us
There is no us
I'm infatuated by your negligence
I want to be done with you
Once I get to the doctor
Make sure you haven't deceased me by the poor use of my body
If at any moment I believed you were my love for life
If at that second of drunken advantage you took
The man who I dated
The man or shall I say boy
The boy who I thought was so amazing
A great leader, you are not
How can I respect this person you've become
You are nothing
Less than a spec on my shoe
That is something you always knew
Let's hope I'm not diseased
And if I am
You aren't too far away
And I'll get my revenge someday
Although I know my Buddhist thoughts won't let me jump from my graceful ways
You have made me cry
You have made me stare at the wall the first time you walked out on me
Masochistic
I've become
I don't want to be
Gods help me
Pull me from this well I've dropped and drowned in
For I am a follower of a boys lost dreams
A boy who I dreamt and always do
Every second
Get over him
Get over him
Get over him
He's **** with a lack of respect
No integrity
No care
No man
He's so entitled
He's judgmental
We hate that
He's a liar
We hate that
He can't look in my eyes
He can't hold me at night
He has no love
He is ****
He is a battered human
With a soul that will deter from the karma he's obscured
Such a sorrow to not want me
For what I have to offer is so rare
I plead
In my mind I drift away from human kind
Out of me out of my bed out of my apt
You left me
Abandonment
Sadness
Grieving of life without your charismatic so ridiculously thought of who you were
A far fetch of how you are
I want a talk
But I wouldn't
I couldn't
Not after what you did
'twas not I on top while in a drunken night
At the bottom with a roofie in my eye
Eyes shut while my battered soul received more
Did that really happen?
You say I shouldn't drink so much but we all know what you did
I wasn't drunk
I was drugged
You are a coward
I will never bare your children
I took the pill for that
I knew you would leave me
I knew what happened would make my soul cry
It has
It does
I want something better
My angry words
I apologize
I am human in your eyes
I wish the best for you and I hope you have unconditional love for someone soon
I hope that you are blessed with all you wish for
I wish for your health
I wish for your happiness
I am grateful for the fun moments we shared and I understand that they will not happen again
I apologize for the broken words I've spilt towards you in my writings behind your back
Please understand they are to help me relax
I wish the best for you in whatever you do.

I have to get high
I want to be high
I can be alone
But the chill mind
seems better than being alone
A lot of people around
Believe me
I'm NEVER ALONE
Physically.
I feel alone in my soul lacking something more
Take a puff
Breathe
Take a puff
Please
Take a puff
Where the ****
Are you

I can always hear it when it's recording me 
Men's in the streets see me at my best 
Out the window they reap and fall for me 
They speak of me 
Out there on that street 
The man reap for me 
The men fall for me 
The bounce the basketballs for me 
In the rain they still stand 
While the dream of their holy land of me 
In my ******* listening the beat 
In my mind 
All the time 
Where's the score when your always writing more?
More than what's being seen 
Making **** up to worn and own me 
This is the real we
Together we battle 
The Gemini 
So denied about
The girl in the streets 
The girl that always weaps
The men that I fall for 
Bitter but so sweet 
Lost and turned repeat 
Music speaks to me 
Your love 
Ooh ee oo ah ah ah 
Love that beat 
The rains 
Falling for me.

I'm so lonely
I'm so hungry
I keep wishing for someone to love me
But when they do
I make sure they have to prove
By sabotage and regret
From every step
We've made
I'm disappointed once again
In my love for god
And my deep rooted sins
I know I shouldn't let you in
But I will
Sabotage and pain
I know we have nothing to gain
But a need for need
I'm sure you won't succeed
Pessimism isn't I
I am real and do not lie
To myself or others
Would I throw my body in a river to catch you?
Yes I would drown before I watched you go
I can't stand the thought of goodbyes
Goodbye forever?
Or for an hour
Too many gone
Forever

You act like you care
You don't
Why act like you would dare
to stare into my eyes
Like the moon was drifting beyond my skull
You wouldn't
You hurt
say you will
Poets and people alike
We are not the same
I am sane
Or so I say
Your not crazy if you know you are
I am sane
Same as you
Crazed and amazed
by someone like you

Dare to be so near
But pull away
as if the gods have something to take
They do
You
From I, I am scared
I do pull
I pull on you
Down far away
from this earths surface
Into the depths of the sun
We are rays of sunlight together
trying to find our way out
We can if we calm
If we decide to accept the love we both have to offer
If we not push our past into each other and agree to settle
Settle for what we see
instead of what our crazy minds choose to believe