I wonder if when
He's falling asleep
Through his mind
Pass thoughts of me
Do they remind
Of how things were
How they could still be
Or do they just blur?

So, here's the thing about lies
You tell and tell and tell them
And at first you flinch
At first, you don't want to
Lying pains your heart
But then you get used to it
You get used to the sound of
Half truths and warped words
And then, eventually
You can't tell the difference
Between what's real and what's not
And I wonder, if maybe
Reality is an illusion

I have stopped waiting for you.

I have stopped nurturing the hope that you will someday change your mind.

I've stopped waiting for someday.

Because you've always had today and keep throwing it away.

The sound of the music box
Isn't nearly enough
To drown out
The sound
Of my still breaking heart

I suppose it was inevitable.

The fact that we would meet.

The fact that I would expect warm sunshine where there was a storm brewing.

The fact that I tried my best to convince myself that I wasn't going to fall when I already had.

The fact that I ignored the alarms ringing through my mind and pretended that they were just music.

You were there for me in the only way you knew how

Don't worry, it's my turn now

It's nothing
Absolutely
Nothing
Like the sound of the rain falling
Like the shriek of a train passing by
Like the wind brushing against your cheek
Like the silent footsteps of a cautious child
Like the last moment I looked away

I think one day you'll understand
Why I kept my words in
Why I locked up my heart
And threw the key into the ocean
That surrounded me at the time
I couldn't bear to let you drown
In the endless chaos that was mine

I'm not feeling very poetic
I look at my work, and I loathe it
It's missing something
It always is

There is peppermint on my breath
A leftover candy cane from Christmas
That my lips whispered sorrows to
Before crushing it between my teeth
Much like you crushed my heart

There is a knife in my hand
And I could use it-
To **** the beast inside of you
But I won't
I have to protect the human

I read once somewhere that putting your hands under cold water will take away the desire to commit suicide and I don't know how many times I've run to the taps in my house and turned the faucet on full blast just because I needed relief ASAP. It's 2017 and I can hardly believes it even though there's only one month left in the year and my favorite color is black again like my undeniably exotic hair. I don't like being exotic but I have no choice but to accept the label. The sunshine here feels sweeter than it did on the edge of swamplands filled with alligators and frogs that might become someone's dinner. Here, people wouldn't be caught dead eating half the stuff on the menu where we were just two short years ago. Two years used to feel like a long time, but now it feels like an instant. I thought I would never grow up but then I started seeing my mother in the bathroom mirror and the little girl I used to see went away. Autumn will always be my favorite season, I'm sure. It's the most poetic one, and anyone who wants to challenge that is free to but I feel that it is. I'm going from bilingual to trilingual slowly but surely and I have good reason to never want to speak any language again but I won't let a guy take that from me. Not languages. I'm the kind of girl who can write an essay in a day and get an A on it but I'm also the kind that occasionally chases squirrels and cats and other small fuzzy creatures and forgets about everything else so you can make what you want of that. It's probably a miracle this hasn't gotten me in trouble yet. It's drizzling lightly and I'm wrapped in a hand-me-down that I'm not handing back up again. This warm shawl is mine, and any returns will be Borrowing. I never thought I would get used to the sound of anger but I never thought a lot of things would happen like they did. Humans don't know anything. Our knowledge is an illusion and it's going to shatter one day, like all illusions do but we like to have control, right? I don't even have to ask. I don't even have to know you to know that. It's just instinctual. Nobody really knows anything about tomorrow-we can plan, we can plan.... But it's not in our hands. It's amazing when someone you had forgotten remembers you but it's even better when you forget someone you didn't want to remember. I drift between remembering and not- the pain I once thought was needless had a method to it, and our ups and downs were curated with love. When I say our, I don't mean one or two people. I mean our. That word is collective. I don't believe someone like someone I don't know and won't mention could be like they attempt to, but I said I wouldn't say anything and I won't. I'd rather listen to rain, anyway. Ten years from now- I won't mention you either-because I am glad to be away from those chains of expectation and disappointment. And, because I owe it to myself to say It's alright. I can walk without crutches.

Of course I am angry

I tried my best not to love you

I tried my best to focus on your many flaws

I tried my best not to continuously see past them

I tried my best not to allow the carefully placed ice around my heart to melt

I knew better, I knew better a million times

Than to fall for someone who was always at war with himself

And yet I did

Yet I stupidly, stupidly did

Whatever pain I've felt, I accepted the very moment that I became used to wondering and worrying about you

The very moment I felt my mouth curve up instead of down at your irksome comments

When I began to detest your absence instead of presence

I could not focus on your flaws

I could not stop looking past them

And when I saw that my layers of icy indifference were turning into a puddle

I stood over it, horrified.

But my reflection only smiled back at me.